I was hoping I’d be coming in here soon to share good news with you all, announcing my pregnancy. But heartbreakingly, my pregnancy is over.

I had a weird feeling from the start about it, with the late BFP (positive preg test), no symptons etc. But you know, I was thinking positive and telling myself it was all going to be fine.

Yesterday morning when it all started happening, it was just heartbreaking. It hit me so hard. Poor Isabella couldn’t understand why I was so upset, it broke my heart seeing her so worried and going up to Michael, saying "Mummy cwy-ing".

Its been a lot different to the last little angel baby we lost. This time it seems I’m having a complete miscarriage rather than a missed miscarriage. My body isn’t holding onto it this time, so I won’t be needing a d&c at this stage. But then again, its more graphic I guess this way. It isn’t easy, either way.

I didn’t end up having to go to hospital yesterday morning, thank God. (The emergency procedure at the hospital last time was such an awful experience, it really prolonged it.) Yesterday I had a scan, followed by a blood test, then spoke to my Dr on the phone this afternoon. She confirmed my hCG had dropped since my b/t last week & there was no sac.

I rang my Mum to tell her what had happened. So nice of her to say "better it happen now than later" and considerately reminded me of a family friend who’d lost a child at a day old and that they’ve never gotten over that. She then asked me if I’d seen the new photos of my cousin’s baby girl and started raving on again about her and her partner’s new job. Such a heartfelt person my Mum.

Thank God I am not like my MUM!!!

I rang and told Dad last night. He was completely different, in tears on & off, and I’m sure he shed a few more when he got off the phone.

Emotions ran high between Michael and I yesterday, and we said things that upset each other, but otherwise we are helping each other get through this.

Isabella, my little shining ray of light... Oh I feel even more fortunate now to have such a beautiful little princess in our lives. She truly has lifted me through this.

I just can’t believe it, its all extremely gutrenching, yet very surreal. On Sunday I was pregnant, today I’m not. :(

May our two little baby angels be holding hands in heaven, watching over us.

Ky *;-)

I am a HUGE Newcastle Knights supporter and just wanted to celebrate tonight's win in here with you all!  (Whether you be a Knights supporter or not...) We may not have played the best team in the comp tonight and we got off to shaky start, but we finished strong and I'm proud of my blue and red boys. Go you mighty Knights in 2008!

Who do you all support?!

Ky *;-)

Hi everyone!

Thought I better pop in here and say HI to you all! I hope you and your families are well. :)

My last blog, I was a bit down about how Dad sounded on the phone. But I’m happy to report he sounds much better now! He’s been keeping in contact and we’re backing to chatting at least twice a week like we use to. I think when I spoke to him that day he sounded awful, I think he was drunk. He probably is still drinking heavily like he’s done all his life, but now we talk at a set time every week, so I think he stays sober for that, thankfully. Otherwise I think he’s taking reasonable care of himself and sounds like he’s working hard at his job, so he’s getting back on track.

We got a new dog a few weeks ago! His name’s Cisco and he’s a Kelpie X Pomeranian. He’s 9mths old and we got him from Animal Welfare. A shy dog to start with but he’s built up his confidence now. He was scared of Isabella at first! Maybe his previous owners had young kids that freaked him out. But he’s good with Isabella now and of course I never leave them alone together. I’ll attach a photo of him to this blog.

All else is good. Michael and I have improved our relationship, well sort of lol. I’m a lot happier with it anyway.

My brother’s in Dubai DJ’ing on a cruise ship. He’s been over there for about 5wks or so. Going to get his contact number and ring him this week. Haven’t spoken to him in a while. Spoke to Mum tonight and she said he’s doing well over there.

Can’t wait for the footy to start FRI NIGHT, YEEHA! GO U KNIGHTS!

Here’s a photo of my gorgeous girl, wearing her beanie the other day when it was 32degree! LOL.

Have a great rest of the weekend, Ky *;-)

Isabella

Cisco

I just got off the phone to Dad and I'm totally disheartened and upset again. My Dad's 53 and it felt like I was talking to an 80+ yr old. It was awful. My Dad is on a path of self-destruction and doesn't want to help himself, let alone anyone help him. I don't know if I can stand by and watch it happen. He said he was going to keep ringing me every weekend, so we'll see how we go from here. But I can't just go along being so upset about talking to him every week. I really hope he starts looking after himself for the first time in his life, but I think that's just not going to happen. Its really sad and it upsets/angers/hurts me, but what can I do?! I will keep talking to him for as long as I can, but there's going to be only so much I can take.

After being missing for 3mths, my Dad rang yesterday evening! He spoke to Michael and told him he hadn't been 'in a good place', living out of his car, not eating.. Sounded like he's been in a huge mental hole. But he's found a job and coming right now. He's in Kununurra in WA, working on a station (farm I think?) He was still a bit vague about where he was.

I was walking out the door to the gym when Michael picked up the phone, he mouthed to me it was Dad. I'm glad he said I wasn't here, coz I think I would have abused him! I was shocked and upset all at once, but relieved too. Then Dad rang again later that night, I spoke to him and broke down in tears. It was either cry or let loose on him! Glad now that I just cried. But I will tell him, when he next rings, just exactly how upset I was, coz all he had to do was call and say he was ok. He said he will ring us again this weekend. I hope he keeps in contact now.

Missing Persons in WA hadn't even contacted Dad yet, so this is Dad just deciding to ring us now. Missing Persons are still going to go and make contact with him to conclude the case, I hope Dad doesn't flip out when the cops rock up to wherever he's stayin at! Well Michael told him to expect it, so hopefully all will be ok. So thank God my prayers have been answered, and hopefully Dad will stay in contact with us now.

Thank-you all again for your support, sorry I've been slack at getting back in here again lately, but had to share with you all the news.

Love Ky xo

Hello girlies,

Just a quick blog to say G'DAY and hope you're all well! Its my B'day and chattin to the wonderful Miss Cazza in MSN right now. She's a lucky one chattin to me, hehe. I've had 3 beers and talkin silly stuff, lol. Oh dear. Had a good Bday, spent it with my beautiful daughter, I couldn't ask for much more. Missing Persons Unit NSW are still waiting to hear back from MPU WA about Dad, hopefully soon they can confirm its him. Michael and I are doing better, I know I haven't talked about it much since I last blogged about it when I was up in Qld having that time away from him, but yeah I guess its going better, but taking it day by day.

Luv to you all, back soon, Ky xo

Hello,

Just wanted to let you all know, I just got a call from the Constable at the MPU and it seems like they've found my Dad. She couldn’t tell me his exact whereabouts yet as they haven’t gone to the address to confirm its him, but they will be doing that in the next few days. She pretty much told me he is in WA.

She also can’t tell me where he is if he doesn’t want us to know his whereabouts. I guess I’ll have to respect that wish for now, but hopefully he will want to speak to me in the near future. The whole thing breaks my heart really, but hopefully he will agree to at least let us know himself that he’s doing ok. The constable told me to expect to hear from her within the next 3days to confirm everything. Fingers crossed. :pray:

So I'm praying that this is it and they've found him and he's ok. It will be hard if he doesn't want any further contact with us... Really hard. But I hope he does at least contact me every now and again from now on, just to let us know he's ok. Its been gutrenchingly awful just not knowing up to this point whether he's been alive or not.

Will let you all know as soon as I get the next call from the Constable.

Thanks again for all your messages of support! Hugs to you all, Ky *;-)

Hi everyone,

We could be very close to finding my Dad.

When I was away last week, mail arrived for him. It was from a superannuation company welcoming him as a member. So I instantly realised it possibly meant he’s started a new job somewhere. But it didn’t give any information on his employer or work status though.

I rang the local police yesterday and gave them the information. Then today I decided to ring the Super company myself, realising they couldn’t give me all the info, but hopefully the could at least confirm that this meant he had started a job somewhere.

So I rang and spoke to a friendly woman who confirmed she couldn’t give me all the private info, and I said I understood, I was just wanting to know that this info meant he’d started a new job. She went on and pretty much confirmed what I’d said, while I’m silently breaking down. Then she went on to apologise that she couldn’t give me the info and I just burst into tears and sobbed "That’s ok, its just good to know he’s alive". She was really sorry and apologised again and said she hoped that by giving the info to the police it would help me find him.

So I found the direct number for the constable @ the MPU (Missing Persons Unit) handling Dad’s case and gave her the info too. She said it could mean he’s working in the local area, since he’s given our address to a employer/super company. She also said his name had been spelt incorrectly by the officers taking the initial MP report and it had been spelt incorrectly at Centrelink too, and I realised it was spelt wrong on the super info too. This was why they hadn't concluded following up whether or not he'd used his bank account yet etc. So whether people have taken down his name wrong or Dad’s done it intentionally (the constable called it ‘he could be playing silly bugga’s’).. I don’t know. But I think the latter.

Obviously Dad doesn’t want us to know where he is. Why couldn’t he just ring and tell us he’s ok?! It will break my heart if the constable rings me back on Friday and tells me he’s alive and well and has a job, but doesn’t want to be found. But its a possibility. But then what if he wants to see us again and I realise I’m too hurt and angry to see him?! Why has he done this?! Does he think because I couldn’t financially help him when he needed it, that that’s a good enough reason to cut me off and think I don’t want to see him again?! I knew he was depressed when he stayed with us and he could still be deep in a hole and not thinking straight...

Well I just have to wait til the constable calls me now. Right now going through various emotions, feeling numb, upset, hurt, angry, confused. Will take it day by day until its concluded.

Will let you know how it all ends. Kylie

Hi everyone,

Yesterday was such a stressful day. Isabella was very unsettled, refused her day sleep etc. Mum took out her stress from work on me. Everything was piling on top of me, i.e. my comment in my last blog, lol. What a trajic! ;)

On the positve side, my partner is communicating a lot better to me on the phone since we've been here. As long as these positive steps continue when we're back, we might have a chance of saving our relationship. In the meantime, I'm going to use the next four days as best I can to take more time out for myself, clear my head, so I can return home with the strength and resolve I need. I want to be open to what my partner suggests to me to help improve our relationship too I guess, hopefully we can work together and make it happen.

Hugs to you all, have a good day, Ky *;-)

Hi everyone, I hope your week is going well.

Well... Isabella and I are in Qld. I'm staying with my Mum and her partner. I had to get away from my partner for a week...

Our relationship and family life is in dire need of improving. I'm sick of sitting by and having him not contributing to our relationship and us as a family. He never wants to communicate, all he wants to do is watch TV, go to bed late, sleep-in, never joins us on family outings (visiting Sandra and her family was suppose to be a family outing, Isabella and I went alone), he is never nice to me, always moody and abrupt and treats me with little respect, no affection, he's never open with me about anything, we've never had a real chat since we lost our baby through miscarriage and my Dad has been missing for 2.5mths and all he's said is "we hope for the best and prepare for the worst". Other than that he won't talk to me about it, doesn't want to listen. I have no support from him whatsoever.

He's never responsible for money, we have no savings whatsoever and we are nearly always behind on rent and bills, he's jacked up a credit card debt that was suppose to be a credit card for work...

I could go on. He has another problem which I won't delve into now. He went psycho at me on the phone when I told him he has a problem. Things have just gotten to breakin point for me, I had to get away.

So up here til SUN, and hoping its enough time to make a decision about what we can do to get things on track and hopefully save our relationship.  But he would have to drastically change his ways for this to happen.

I've just typed this all so fast, haven't proof read. Got to go, Isabella is here and promised we'd go over to the beach and park this morning. So I will bid you good-bye for now, I will keep in touch through the week.

Hugs, Ky *;-)