So we've found out that we're around 6 weeks pregnant! I feel so many different things. I feel so different to when I was pregnant with Tao it's strange. Am I really ready? ( I know it was planned ), why do I feel not as happy?, ( maybe because I'm not showing etc yet & I'm so tired.) I am so tired I feel guilty for not being able to give 100% to Tao at the moment as I'm quite sick all day with nausea. Now I could say that's bad but I started bleeding nearly a week ago now, it's more like a brown spotting now, not like the first day of redness. So if I feel sick I think it's a good sign. I'm pretty scared actually. I've had cramps also but I had bad cramps all through the 1st trimester with Tao as well. I remember thinking I had something wrong but it was all fine.  I've got a ultrasound on Monday to see if everything is going ok. I felt pretty sad for a few nights but now I'm trying to be positive & I know in my heart of hearts that I can't stop what is meant to be, whatever that is. Is that why I feel so unattached? Maybe. Tao was such a textbook pregnancy, this has thrown me out. This all sounds pretty negative but I'm really not being so negative I don't think. 

Anyways, Tao makes me laugh everyday, life is grand. 

Love & Light

 Well we've decided that we're trying for bubby number 2 which makes me feel excited & sad. I'm also nervous of course about if we're really ready seeing as Tao still wakes all during the night & he is still in our room. We've just put a bed that we bought next to ours so hopefully he starts to get used to that a bit & eventually we can put him in his own room. Slowly & steady wins the race... We've been taking him for drives at about 10pm as he's very very restless lately & at least the car ride puts him to sleep for us. Oh how things have changed. Tao used to hate the car when he was a little bub. He'd scream the whole time he was in there. It really only got better when we turned the ca seat around, I think he was around 6 months when we did it. Can't remember but it was as soon as was legally possible. But when I think about adding to our beautiful family I know it's right. Let's see how we go!!  I think it took about 3 months the last time for us to fall pregnant & I've only just got my periods back this month, so it's been nearly 2 years since I've had one. I was so happy when I got it back then quickly changed my mind after laying on the couch feeling so very sick. It has been a while. Ok, I really must go to bed now. So tired. 

 I've had such a busy weekend that I haven't had a chance to have my usual sleep in! My partner takes Tao most mornings while I have a sleep in as I'm the only one who can settle him at night. Last night I was up every hour, just to feed him & put him back to sleep. Why does that make me want to cry? 

No it's probably just a mixture of feelings I think. Since I gave up on the weaning at night time I've decided to drop his day feeds ( between 1-3 a day, depending on his mood ). Yesterday was fine, we took him in the car & he slept & this morning we were onto another good day with Mark putting Tao to sleep in his swing, then carrying him into bed. But as soon as he woke up after around an hour ( he usually has 2-3hrs sleep during the day ), that was it. He was needing to be put back to sleep & the only way it was going to settle him down was to feed him. We tried distraction in all it's forms but nothing was working & my partner hates hearing Tao cry possibly more than I do so he suggested I just comfort him with the boob. After all it was unfair on him to be holding him & not allowing him to have boob right? How can he understand what going cold turkey is? I sigh... I felt immediate disappointment. I felt I gave in too easily. I probably did. But our parenting made him the little beautifully dependent boy he is today. Soft, gentle, happy little man. I feel deflated, yet hopeful, tired. But I think writing my feelings out in here is so therapeutic. I don't want to bring people down if they happen to read but it helps. We've only just gotten him to sleep now ( I just bounced on the pilates ball until he went to sleep....get a bum workout while trying to put your 13 month old to sleep!! Double whammy!!Ha! )  & it's late but I feel like my day has only just begun. I feel free & lighter. Does that make me impatient? Am I losing my patience? It's not that he's heavy or a burden at all! See...now I feel guilty. I didn't mean it that way. Trying to organise the wedding also I think is adding to my mental strain. Lucky it's a casual do, but there is still a lot to organise. 

Ok, so I'm off to have a cuppa & a scotch finger & just think of sunshine, as tomorrow is another day.

 So I thought I'd finally start my blog, after many a night looking at it thinking...later.....

My start is a positive one after a hard few days of trying to transition a very determined little man to give up something he's done since the moment he entered the world. "Please..How is that right mumma? Why?" ( No he's not an einstein speaking fluently already at 13 months old...I just could see his words in his eyes..)  I feel more human today after getting back to my usual sleeping pattern of putting Tao on the boob in our bed & both of us going straight back to sleep. I Q&A'd about getting him off the all night feeds & got some sweet advice, tried it for 2 nights & gave up.

I know that's no good right? Ha, I know I should stick to it but my heart feels better since I've said to myself: " He's not ready, we'll try again in a few weeks." He cried so much, so often, for so long, when I wouldn't give the boob to him that I felt physically sick. It also gave me a headache & a terrible tired sadness in the following days. You know I expected it to be hard, but really, it's only my own being that's saying "He's ready now." I think we can both wait. Am I prolonging the whole process? Maybe, but I'm sure as he gets older & I can explain things to him better, it might be easier. If not, there's no harm in having faith that it will be anyway. Gee, then we need to tackle the sleeping in his own bed. Ah, yet another step that I'm sure will just happen one day.

So on another note, we've been playing an album called ' The Ultimate Om' to Tao when it's time for sleep as he's a very restless little man & has always ALWAYS been very very hard to get to sleep & stay asleep. This amazing recording seems to chill him out a lot & he goes to sleep a lot quicker instead of coming back out of the bedroom to have a play around until he gets upset again & repeating this step a few times until he finally goes to sleep. Now he tends to stay in the bedroom & not have to come out for a play. It's quite a relaxing recording, that when I put him to sleep ( lay down with him & feed him ) ,I have to pry my eyelids apart & make myself get up or I could easily fall asleep too. Yep, could be good for my body but my mind has things it needs to do when Tao goes down for a few hours, it's my time. Sleep can wait. 

Ok, now I really am ready for sleep as my eyes just wandered over to the time. Oh dear. Late again...

Love & Light xx