This week has been tough.

Monday - far from being a special time to spend with my partner, it was one in which I wanted to sleep and "shut down". I was very stressed about Daniel being in Day Care. Also I felt, as if all day my partner was being so critical of me and his housework related comments did hurt. I don't seem to get praise from him about anything lately and yes it's all just "expected" of me that the housework is done etc.

I was very quiet all day, I did not feel like talking to my partner. My head pounded from a headache. I felt very alone all day in my worry about Daniel, until I had my baby boy back in my arms where he belongs. My partner spent a few hours in the garden and did tidy up "Daniel's garden" and plant a few plants into pots while I slept. We hope they will grow and someday some can be moved around to the front door area and dress it up a bit. Sadly not even getting plants really cheered me up. And I really usually like pants and would have got excited about plant shopping. Daniel did not eat for the Carer. Once home he ate his lunch and dinner and then was so exhausted that he fell asleep in my arms at 6.15pm.

Tuesday- Daniel was very quiet in care and clinging to the Carer. He refused to eat. Once home again he ate all his lunch and dinner and was happy and smiling. It's eating me up inside being away from him and him not eating while in Day Care.

On Wednesday morning the Carer stated that she thought Daniel looked ill as I dropped him off to her. He had not slept well over night and needless to say neither had I. I was tired and emotional. Daniel was not unwell. He cried in the car on the trip to the Carers. He brightened a little when the Carer cuddled him. I sat in the car outside and felt horrid. I felt that he would never adjust and was I doing the right thing? I felt pressured by my partner to be in paid work. My anger and depression was growing.

Right then and there I wanted to go back to the Carer and get him and tell my partner where "this job" can go. Ok this is not just any job, this is a dream role and would be all that I want.... *sigh*

Instead I drove a short way into The Glen shopping centre (I had to get cash to pay the Carer). Once there I tried calling my partner and told him my worry, he said we'd talk about it that night. I felt no better. I paced inside the shops and then as my anxiety rose I called my Mum and Dad who calmly listened to what I had to say. My Mum was very understanding and clamed me down, which was rather surprising but rather wonderful at the same time! 

She agreed that I have to do what is best for Daniel and for me. She also reminded me of our very precious (not likely to be more children) he is and still so very young baby boy. She wished she and my Dad were younger so they could take him.... I wished they were too. Daniel adores my parents and eats, drinks etc for them without any problems. I told them how David floated the idea of going back to England so his Mum could look after Daniel. I also wished David's Mum was close by. But that is not the case... Moving to the UK just isn't an option as David would not find a role there that pays as well as he gets at present. He said so himself.

My Mum sent my Dad over to visit me at home and we went to the shops and talked and talked. We got some nice clothes for Daniel and I felt better as we explored and shopped and talked. My Dad encouraged me to give Daniel more time to adjust and perhaps look into not taking on such a "high powered role" but instead just work nights or weekends so Daniel can be with his Dad. I agreed with that as a great option. After all, Daniel comes first now, not my career!

I then decided to call my new boss and confide. She agreed to let me start as late as 10am the three days a week and is understanding re my concerns about Daniel. I felt so much better after talking to her! She invited me and Daniel to lunch 1pm Friday and we happily agreed. I do enjoy showing off my little man. *happy smile*

Thursday - House keeping, unexpected visit from my Minister Sharon and her grand daughter Jess and then a planned visit from my parents. My Mum later took me shopping and she really spoilt me and Daniel. I was so moved I couldn't help but be amazed and delighted and so happy. My parents have really been so supportive and so loving of both me and naturally there only grandson Daniel. They do not want us to move away and I reassured them that it is not an option in any case.

On Thursday, Daniel stayed home with me, he acted like my little man, happy, laughing, playing and crawling! He ate heaps and even accepted snacks! He was cuddled by both my Mum and Dad and even slept for one hour in the afternoon.... *smiles*   So I'm tired again, but from good reasons...

The Day Care thing I'll try longer... I really want what is best for Daniel, what is best for the family income and for me. I'm not going to listen to any negative comments made by people regarding Day Care and my working. I will just try a bit longer and see how it goes. On the plus side Daniel gets much needed interaction from other little children and I think his confidence and exposure to new experiences will grow rapidly. The Carer does many games and outings with the children. *smiles*

I just want my little man to eat, sleep and be happier in Day Care.     

Hi everyone,

I have not been online much at all this past week.

I start work October 1st 2007. Daniel will be 9 days shy of 11 months old when I start.

Last week was very hard for me.

Daniel and I were seperated for the first time (for an extended period of time) ever on Monday. He was in Day Care. Day Care started the 17th and will be three days a week.

Both he and I shed tears. He when he realised that he was staying and I wasn't. Me in the car outside the Day Care home and at home alone. My partner I think really didn't understand how bad I felt as a Mum. He is usually not with Daniel during the day so he has not felt the same connection. Plus when he goes to work, his son was left with his Mum and therefore he had nothing to worry about.

By Thursday morning, I was emotionally and physically exhausted and trying to recover. I had been upset and stressed.

During the three days in Day Care Daniel refused to eat and drink the first day, refused food the second and on the third only took a mouthful of food and had his drink.

Each day I rushed there at 4pm (yes 1 hour early) to pick him up and take him home and feed him. The Carer did not call me the first day to tell me what was happening and I was naturally upset that she had not called. It has hampered my trust in her and I have made that clear to my partner. Her lack of calling me, did make me worry about the following days and if she would call me regarding any questions/concerns.

By the third day, he and I were really tired, both not sleeping well at night. I wanted to cancel the whole idea. It was too hard to deal with and he is still so young. I felt I am being forced to go back to work by my career path and by my partner who saids that my income is essential to family happiness. I felt like crying most of Wednesday. I cleaned house the three days and tried to keep busy...which I did as I got stuck into so many tasks that had been far too time consuming while Daniel was home to try and do and not finish within 30 minutes.

Wednesday I collected Daniel at 4pm, he had been cuddled by the Carer and seemed happier than at the same time previous days. He brightened up even more when he saw me and smiled and reached for me. My heart melted and I was so happy that he was happy. He had had a good day in Day Care and is getting to know his Carer. But the way he acted when he saw me was so wonderful and so loving! It felt soooooo good to have him in my arms!!

Being separated from my boy I think is the hardest experience I have ever faced (so far) as a parent.

The days I do get to spend with him alone, I think I will pack more "Fun", "Cuddles", "Play" and "Love" into!

A photo display of Daniel, Mum and Dad.

Hi there,

Well I have done soooo much since I last posted on here. Mainly errands etc.

Today I went to Lysterfield Park and met Bel. Absolutely lovely attractive person! It is rare that someone online turns out to be as nice offline.

I went with my partner David and son Daniel. I met up with a friend and her father as well. I took some family pictures. I am hoping that Bel can arrange future picnics. I suggested the next one be at Jells Park. It has lush green grass areas. Large BBQ areas, bike tracks, large group covered eating areas plus even its own cafe. I find I enjoy the lake there and the stroll alone is definetely worth it for all those that might have to travel a fair way to get there. So a great idea Bel!  Five stars! *****

I got the job! Yep I am returning to work. I am nervous and excited and happy and sad all at once! I know I will worry about Daniel. I know it will be hardest on me being away from him. Frankly the idea causes me to hurt but I had no choice. I need an income to provide for my family.

I also know that Daniel being in day care a few days each week will in the long term be better for him in some ways. He will meet other children on those days and have an extended play time with them. He will have the same carer on these days. His carer has experience dating back till 1979 plus has raised two children of her own. She has all the required first aid skills and has a teaching background. She has sooo many age appropriate toys and educational equipment that I was pleasantly stunned! She has a lovely thoughtful manner and English is her first lanuage, non smoker with no pets in her house. All this helped ease my worry.

So I do know deep down that Daniel will have so much and gain so much from being in day care! Plus he will have friends around his age and he really does enjoy watching and playing with young children.

Yet I still hurt a bit. I know I'll worry and I'll miss him. I know it will take time for the carer to "know" Daniel and for him to "know" her.

Yet at 10 months of age, I have been reasurred that is is a great time for him to go and get some day care as it should be an easier transition than at 21/2 years old etc.

I guess I can see the special time of being mainly "alone" with Daniel as coming to an end and I grieve that. I have enjoyed the experience and I do thank God that I had the opportunity to become a Mum and had that "alone" time. That time was precious.

Until I write again,

Lady Lavenda

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.