Hi all,

My aplogies for being AWOL. I have found myself swamped since moving house in May 2008 and then again after the birth of my second child in August 2008.

For a start here are a few things done and had to be delt with

1. moved all in the one day from our previous address into our new one while 6 months pregnant with a under 2 year old. Also had to leave old house spottless.
2. felt exhausted when arriving at new site and broke into tears to discover that the previous owners had left the house in a mess, dirty carpets, dirty tiles, dirty drapes and left very much unwanted rubbish and furniture.
3. the slow process of cleaning a large house began over time, yet it seemed I was getting more and more tired and just managing to stay ontop of the basics - cooking, laundry and human hygiene
4. I was put onto liquid iron by my doctor after expressing this and post a blood test. Finally my partner was more understanding when faced with blood test results!
5. got carepets cleaned they were dog urinated on and had fur! ewww
6. got tiles cleaned professionally. Amazing what a difference!
7. got ducted heating and cooling done
8. got some new drapes
9. I did enjoy my time alone with my son and him being so happy/excited in the house.
10. I started feeling a bit lonely for female/ friendship company - kindred spirits etc
11. Close to August 2008 I developed the signs of preclampsia. This time I knew what to expect and was prepared long in advance with things for the baby and left instructions as to what needed completion.
12. Mother In Law from England stayed with us for 3 weeks to care for us and help me rest and ensure that my daughter's gestation period was maximised. I have a brilliant MIL. I strongly believe that due to her support and ongoing support I was able to establish a great milk supply and breast feed my daughter. My MIL kept my partner sane.
13. slowly down hill from there. My partner has some ideas that I have had to shoot down periodically. He has expected far more from our just 2 year old than what is reasonable. I get worried at times, if my partner spends prolonged time with our son especially if our son is tired/grumpy as he does not have the patience that I have and verbally saids negative things or is to rough with him. I told him as much and he did not deny it. It is important to me that my son has a good self esteem and postive experiences.
14. My partner was commenting on someone else daughter from his work place and said that he hoped that ours would be as beautiful. This really hurt as our daughter is beautiful and many say so.
15. My partner stated that we "cannot care for the two children we do have". He is flatly not interested in having another baby in the future. His comments hurt and also reflected his unrealistic expectaions. I think he really does not understand all I do, nor breastfeeding or my desire to do my best and how I struggle to met my own high expectations. A part of me fears that i may end up depressed... I try hard to be happy for my children.
16. My best friend lives far far away in Sth Africia and I can't begin to tell her how much I love and miss her and wish she and I could talk. My other friend has 'slipped away' by her own choice from many people due to depression and has chosen to contact people when only she wants. I have accepted this as to push her would result in no contact.
17. My mother's group is over an hour away. Yes I moved a fair distance from them. They have moved on plus I don't feel i can confide all this to them.
18. When I have been unwell, until this month I have not recieved much emotional support from my partner, let alone physical support. Yet he does get up (maybe once or twice - she is mostly sleeping through now) overnight and change my daughter's nappy and that allows me to tiolet, get a drink and set myself up to breast feed her and he returns to bed.
19. My parents however have been super kind with regular visits and gifts for the children and sweets for me. It has meant alot to me.
20. Today. My partner called me pathetic (unfortunately I have been delt a few self esteem shockers since August 2008 and have felt increasingly unloved, not appreciated etc) when I asked him to talk to our fretting 4 month old or pick her up as I was busy in the kitchen. He usually does not do much kitchen related housework. He stated that he cannot breast feed her and I should go to her in an angery voice. He was not doing anything important while I was attempting to (as always) tidy and clear away the dishes post lunch and then get myself ready to breast feed or settle her for her afternoon nap. He also swore using the F word infront of our child. I raised my voice back at him (not proud of this) and told him to not swear and took my daughter with me. I really dislike any swearing especially infront of our children. After settling her I went to bed from a combination of exhaustion, viral infection/flu and wanting time out from him. I had a cry. He later came in and told me off for "sleeping" to avoid arguing with him. I told him I need to rest. At present each of us has been sick for at least 4 days and my son is on antibotics.
21. I feel forced to act like everything is ok with family. I do not want my parents over reacting or making comments to him etc. My mother is likely to and react badly for years. I do not wish to bretay him in anyway and let his family know anything is wrong despite the fact that his Mum, my MIL is a good friend. So I feel alone.

Feeling sad, feeling like my partner does not even like me, nor want or respect me. Feeling lonely for a true friend that I can talk to (or phone) to openly and honestly.