Just got online today and noticed a reported member and next thing I'm reading this cat fight (at least that's what it seems like).  And between people who I've spent a fair amount of time communicating with and all of whom I like.

There are so many wonderful people on this site who I have met both online and in person.  I know I haven't been so involved anymore.  But it's not personal, it's all due to conflicting priorities in life and the computer tends to be a fairly low one.  Not the people I've met through the computer, I hasten to add, but just the time in getting on, reading lots of stuff, voting or commenting.  

I finally read today about the troubles Janice and Marg have been having respectively, and when you read about things like that, it really puts all the in-fighting into perspective.   I must admit to feeling really guilty that I haven't been keeping up with these wonderful women of late, cause they are just so special.

I'm feeling really sad about how people (not everyone, but a number of people) seem to be reacting to each other.  Maybe I'm just living in a world of "rainbows and fluffy bunnies" (as BF would say) but why can't everyone just get along?!

By a very good stroke of luck, today I was on a training course all day on "Managing your Career".  I think it was exactly what I needed - to get away from work but to really think through things and work out what the issues are and what they are not and what I really want to do.  This is what I've realised:

1. My current job is not a good fit for my skills and interests;
2. Architecture probably is a good fit for my skills and interests;
3. I can't do architecture until I have done further study;
4. My current job allows me to have the flexibility to study and gives me enough income to look after my kids and pay my debts and mortgage etc.;
5. My issue with my current job, assuming that it is a transition job and not a career, is a people problem with some of my management and not feeling valued for what I do;
6. If I can do something about some of the people issues that are making work unpleasant, then I can stay in my current job until I'm ready to move careers;
7. If I can't do something about the people issues, then I need to find another job that allows me the flexibility to study and the income to look after my kids etc.

Overall, I'm feeling a lot more positive today.  I can see a way forward, though I will admit that I'm not looking forward to having to talk with my managers and try and sort some of these people issues out.  That's going to be the hard bit.

Been a while since I've written in my blog.  So there's lots to catch up on.

Firstly my Valentine's Day - once again BF outdid himself.  A few days before Valentines he brought home a couple of presents and a massive envelope.  He told me I could open one now, but the other and the card would wait until Valentine's Day. The one I opened was a Great Grandfather Tawny Port - one of only 2500 bottles made.  Very fancy.  The night before Valentine's, he gave me two more presents which turned out to be 4 Royal Doulton crystal port glasses.  Then I got to open the present and card that had been waiting.  That was a cute teddy bear and a massive card.  I'm thinking "Wow, I've been spoiled completely" and was happy.  Then I get home from work on the 14th, and there's a box of long stemmed roses with chocolates and a little votive candle!    I wish I could have given him something to match, but I just can't.  Mind you, I think he enjoys being able to out do me!!

On to other things - the weight loss has been dismal.  I gained for 2 weeks then this last week I stayed steady.  Now I just need to get back into losing.  The problem lately is that I've been feeling really depressed, and that just makes me crave fatty, sweet foods.  Chocolate mainly but fudge works too.

A lot of the being depressed stuff stems back to work at the moment.  I am struggling to find anything I like about my job at the moment.  I come home sad almost every day.  BF wants me to find another job.  And I'd like to as well.  But I'm also really concerned about being able to keep studying and fit my kids child care in at another job. 

I found a vet this morning (my usual vet only works part-time and wasn't working today) and took Oscar (my cat) down.  At home he wouldn't put any weight on his paw at all.  At the vet, he was putting on a brave face and tried to put weight on it, but was still limping heaps.  The vet couldn't get a really good look at his paw cause Oscar was clearly sore and was getting pretty cranky.  So they had to admit him and put him under anaesthetic to get a good look and to take some x-rays to rule out a  fracture or dislocation.

Turns out he had a laceration (big cut) just above his paw pad and it was infected.  The vet cleaned it out and gave him antibiotics which I have to give him for a few days.  He's home now and seems better already.  The wallet is not quite as good.  BF reluctantly came to the party and helped pay.  He was pretty annoyed at how much it all cost, but at least its done - apart from the follow up appointment in a few days!  LOL!  At least Oscar is much better.

Got home from work tonight and my poor cat was limping.  Wouldn't put one of his front feet on the ground at all.  I had a look at it and he didn't see to have anything in his paw, but he got upset when I touched his wrist.  I called up the Emergency Vet and they said it would be $150 for the initial consultation and then treatment costs on top of that if needed.  Ouch!!!

I spoke to BF and he mentioned that a workmate of his was once a vet nurse.  He asked her and she was happy to have a look at my cat.  She said he was putting a little weight on his paw and didn't seem to be distressed except when it was touched.  She said if it were her she would keep him at home tonight and get him to the vet in the morning.  She suggested if he wasn't doing so well then I could take him to the Emergency vet, but recommended just getting him some pain relief and then get the treatment from the normal vet in the morning.

Poor little cat.  He's home now and has curled himself in a ball on the floor and is going to sleep.  If he makes okay during the night, then I'll take him to the vet in the morning.

The verdict?  I gained 0.4kg this week.  I've also been measuring, not just weighing, and I have actually lost centimetres all over since I started.   Well, almost all over.   I've gained 2cm on my bust in the last 4 weeks.  How on earth does that work?

So not nearly as terrible as I expected.  But I do need to get back on track if I'm to get to where I want to be. 

The wedding is a big motivator for me, but I think even more than that, I just want to fit back into all the nice clothes I bought myself 2 years ago which I can't fit into now.  And I don't want to buy new things because I don't want to stay this size.  I just wish it was easier!

Oh - and the breakfast idea I had for the kids didn't work.  I think I just have to accept that once they get out of bed, then I'm going to be up too - one way or another.

I've been struggling a lot with this weight loss.  I haven't been able to exercise at all since I've had the kids this week and my eating has gone to pot.  I gained 0.2kg last week and I'm dreading getting on the scales tomorrow.  I'm feeling terribly flabby and I'm pretty sure I know what number that equates to on the scales.  If I haven't gone right back to my starting weight, I think I'll be surprised.

On the bright side, I'm finding that I'm starting to analyse things more and trying to work out what is contributing to my lapses - which will hopefully help me to overcome the difficulties.  I've noticed that I've been staying up too late on the week I have the kids, then they get me up early in the morning and consequently I feel tired all day.

That fatigue then seems to translate into 2 issues with weight loss:

1) I feel too tired to make a decent meal (e.g. cutting up vegetables) and so I'm just going for the easy option such as jaffles, just the meat or carb portion of a meal or - worst of all - going for takeaway.  When I'm not eating enough good vegies, which seems to be the first thing to be ignored when I'm fatigued, then I'm filling up on more high calorie foods and more easy to access foods - particularly chocolate (horror!!) - and that, of course, makes me feel more fatigued again cause I'm not eating well! 

2) My willpower and desire to look after myself seems to go out of the window and I'm just doing all I can to get through the day, which seems to translate to sugar highs to get me to the next hump (i.e. more chocolate).  Plus any motivation to exercise seems to go right out the window.

The other issue I've noticed is simply the struggle to exercise with young kids around.  Going out to a gym isn't an option for me, so learning to fit that in is something I have to work out.  When I haven't got the kids, it seems easier to exercise cause my lounge room is pretty much set up all the time for me to exercise in and all I have to do in the morning is put on some clothes and walk into the lounge room and start doing something.  When the kids are here, the lounge room is also one of their play rooms and it just gets so filled up with junk - toys, blankets, cushions, shoes, papers (mine, not the kids) - and the prospect of having to tidy up before I can do anything just defeats my fragile motivation to do any exercise. 

So - to help my weight loss these are some of the things I think I can do:

1)  Try not to stay up too late and therefore get a better sleep.
2)  Put out the kids breakfast (except for the milk) the night before so they can feed themselves and I can sleep in just a little more.
3)  Clean & finish unpacking the kids rooms so that their toys have a place to go and can be put away at the end of the night.
4)  Encourage the kids (and my fiance!) to help me keep the lounge room tidy rather than me doing it all.
5)  Find a way to find it easy to eat vegies so I don't overeat on high calorie foods.

I've got to admit, it's somehow embarassing to say that I'm not living up to my expectations of myself.  That I'm finding it much harder to lose weight than I remembered it being before.  But - hey - if you can't be honest, how can you move forward?