Dropped the kids off to my mum this morning and then went around to ex's.  I took with me a bucket-load of cleaning stuff in case that was necessary.

I went in and it was the cleanest I've ever seen it - mind you, that's not saying much.  There was still dirt in all the corners, dirty spots on the kitchen floor, sticky stuff on the bench, rivulets of stuff down the kitchen doors.  But he had definitely made a huge effort from where it was.  When I walked into the toilet, though, it was stained brown and there were dirt and hair I could see around the rim.  At that point I said the toilet needed to be cleaner and offered to do it myself.  At that point he went off his dial and started screaming at me that this was all about me and my issues that I need to have everything done to my standard and how I was trying to control him  and I had threatened him in doing this and how it was his life and I had no right to tell him how to live his life etc. etc.  After some argument, he refused to clean the toilet or allow me to do it so I said "Fine, then the kids won't come." And I stormed out and slammed the door.

I drove away, but didn't really want to leave it like that.  I called him from the car.  At first he was still just screaming.  So I hung up.  A bit later I called back and he'd calmed down a bit.  I managed to talk to him a bit and eventually went back around.  We managed to talk more calmly when I went back, but I honestly don't think he took any responsibility for it.  He kept saying it wasn't that bad, it was just my issue.  And kept saying "the kids aren't dead".  Why do they have to be dead for it to be a problem?! 

By the end I managed to talk him into letting me clean the toilet (my god!  Who needs to be talked into allowing someone else to clean your toilet!!) and I dropped the kids off after lunch.  I agreed that I would not threaten him anymore.  So I've decided if he doesn't keep it clean now, then I'll just go straight to DoCS (or whatever they're called now) and let them make a decision.  I won't bother giving him any warning or chances cause that would be threatening him.  So I'll just take action when it's necessary.

I'm feeling pretty emotionally battered right now.  And we have no chocolate in the house!  Any diet is just straight out the window at the moment... 

After last Sunday when I saw ex's house and it was not much better, I decided I really had to do something about it.  I spoke to BF about it to get his support.  I sought legal advice on the matter and the solicitor said that cause we have no court order I can hold the kids back, and then the onus is on ex to take things to court if he wants things to be different.  He also said that if I can see that this affects the kids, and I don't take action, then I could be taken to be condoning it.  And I don't condone it at all.

I tried to get hold of him earlier in the week, but with one thing and another I didn't speak to him til this afternoon.  I told him that I'd spoken to him about my concerns about a month ago and since then he had insisted on dropping the kids off so I had no idea if he'd done anything about it, but when I saw his place last Sunday it was still really bad.  I said if he could clean it by Sunday and let me see to be sure, then he could have the girls on Sunday as normal.  But if not , he could certainly see the girls but not have them overnight in that house. 

He went off his dial. He attacked me on so many levels and was just so horrible.  The one thing he didn't do was actually take responsibility for himself.   After we finished the main part of the talk, he said he needed to tell me that when he went to the hairdresser this week, they discovered he had lice.  Now, I know that the cleanest of houses can have lice, but it really seemed to prove my point!  Especially as the kids don't have it (both Mum and I checked them today to be sure).  However, he seems to be willing to make the effort with the house since it if he didn't I wouldn't allow the kids to visit.  He's agreed (after all the crap) to let me come around to check the place out on Sunday morning. 

The talk really threw me.  Despite the fact I know that he's only pulling this crap because of his own issues and his own insecurities, it still left with all these doubts about whether I was a good mother and whether I was doing the right thing for the kids.  My mum and I don't often see eye-to-eye, but she has also witnessed the state of his house and was concerned about how bad it was.  She said she's even had the opportunity to speak to some of his friends and they've also made comment on how dirty it was.  After speaking to ex, his comments made me so insecure about whether I was no better than he was and whether I was expecting something completely beyond what was reasonable from him.  But Mum assured me that although my house may get messy with the kids around, it is never dirty the way ex's is.  That's quite a statement from my mum as she has always seemed to take ex's side in everything else.

Anyway, I've been thinking that when I go round on Sunday to check the place, I might take cleaning gear with me and do the rest of the job cause I know the kids would be so disappointed if they didn't get to see their dad.  I'm really not interested in keeping him away from the kids.  I just want the kids to be in a safe and healthy  environment.  I just really hate having to go through this to make it happen.  The whole thing just makes me feel physically ill.

I can't remember if I managed 3 or 4 sugarless days, but it wasn't long.  But I am still trying to cut down on where I was at.  And I've started exercising every morning.  Not a huge amount of exercise, but I figure if I'm at least doing something, its better than what I was doing - which was nothing.

Been trying to work on some of other weaknesses too, like trying not to be late and being more focussed and productive at work. 

Gotta pick my girls up in an hour.  I confronted my ex about a month ago over the filthy state of his house and the effect it was having on the girl's health.  Since then, he's conveniently dropped the girls off and picked them up since. This week he offered to drop them off again, but I insisted I pick them up.  I'm a bit nervous because if he still hasn't taken any action to clean up his act - so to speak - then I'm going to have to do something more drastic.  I'm not sure what that is, but I have to do something. I just really hope he's listened and is doing something to look after the kids.

Had a bit of a revelation yesterday.  I realised that I am addicted to chocolate.  Seriously!  After every meal (except breakfast) I crave chocolate.  And if I start eating it, then I often want more and more.  In and of itself its not a bad thing - but it seems to be really affecting my ability to lose weight.

I thought about what I'd do if I realised I was addicted to something like cigarettes or alcohol.  And I thought I would go cold turkey and give it up.  So that's what I've decided to do.  Starting yesterday I am giving up chocolate, lollies and desserts.  I told BF what I was doing and he asked how long I planned on giving them up for.  I told him until I didn't feel like I needed them anymore.

As of today I have had 2 sugarless days.  I've noticed a real pattern as to when I'm craving sweets - it's after meals and also late at night.  I'm trying to eat good food but I figure my main focus right now is just breaking the sweet habit.  When that's done, I can concentrate more on what else I'm eating.  Fingers crossed this will help.

On Facebook today I noticed that the girl's father has changed his status to being "in a relationship".   It's funny how something like that can throw you a bit.  I don't know who it is.  I just hope they're someone nice who is good to my kids.  And, you never know, they might even get the ex to clean up his act somewhat! 

I just really hope he doesn't treat this new person like he did me.  I really hope he'd learned some lessons and is a better person...  I feel concerned that he may not...