So i'm assuming, since my mom hasn't called me, that my dad's surgery didn't get bumped again, and he's in surgery now. Actually it should be almost done. Why hasn't anyone called me yet??? I'm going nuts. Mom said that she'd call before 2, and it's only 12 30, but... God I just wanna know that he made it thought ok. I'm just going insane waiting. Please please please be ok.
Going to see my therapist in about an hour, I hope I hear from mom before then. If I had any fingernails left, I'd be biting them right now.

So my dad's surgery was postponed, again, and the doctor who was supposed to do it doesn't work on Tuesdays, so I guess it's going to be tomorrow that he has it done. Stupid stressful situation.

My dad had a heart atack last Friday, and he's having a triple by-pass today. I', so stressed out, because i just couldn't get back up home to be there. I really hope he is ok. We're only just starting to have a good relationship, and I wouldn't want to lose him.

I'm just so completely stressed out. My soul just feels empty I'm so overwhelmed with my life right now. This single parent thing can just drain the life out of you sometimes. I was starting to do better, but dad having a heart attack just threw me back into a funk. Good thing I'm seeing my therapist on Weds. It's only the second time I've seen her, and I hope it all goes well. The last woman I saw went back to her private practice, and I miss her.

I'm just so tired. I think it's more emotional than physical. I hate feeling like I'm so out of controle of everything.

Last night I got a call from Lily's grandmother. I've been starting to dred her calls. For one, she only calls my cell phone, and not my house. I know it's a stupid thing to be annoyed at, but it bugs me so much. Why can't she just call my house so I don't have to try to find my cell?? And she can't figure out that there is an hour time difference between us, so yes, she's driving home from work, but it's 7:30 here and I'm putting Lily to bed.

The thing that really is starting to get to me is that she compares my daughter to one of her friends granddaughters. The 2 are born within a week of each other. Before she was always so happy and praising of me and Lily, because Lily was doing things before the other little girl. I would just brush it off and say that babies develop at different times, and that the other girl was perfectly normal. Pretty much, I don't like comparing babies. I mean it's nice to know that your baby is on the right track, but Lily's grandma was pretty much saying how much better Lily was because she was "ahead" of this other little one.

Well a tradegy has happened! The other baby is walking! Oh god no, the world is going to end. And she didn't even crawl, she just got up and walked. Now Lily isn't a perfect baby, she's behind this other one. Personally, I don't have any concern that she's not walking, she's content crawling and pulling up on things and getting around the way she does. I just don't care that Lily isn't walking and this other one is. When she's 18 months and not walking, then I'll start to think about it.

This just doesn't seem right to me. And it makes me nervous for the future. I don't want Lily to ever feel that she has to compare herself to other people, but with this woman in her life, it seems like it's going to happen. ARGH!!!! It's just so infuriating.

Seriously, she's 9 months. Why does she feel she needs to compare and judge these babies?? They are both perfectally normal. It just makes my blood boil, but heaven forbid I say something to her, I'd never ever hear the end of it. My standing in that family isn't really that good anyway, since I "got myself pregnant" and David never even bothered to tell his family. Since I was the one to call and tell people (2 days after Lily was born) I think I've got all the negativity and bitterness coming at me that should be directed at him.

It just makes me want to scream sometimes.

So! We went to our first baby signs class today. It was pretty fun, and a good distraction from what's going on up home. It's so much easier to learn signs when someone is showing you in person! I've been doing the signs for food, milk, duck and sleep for a while with Lily, but I think with these classes we're going to be doing alot better at them.

I'm still stressed out about dad, but I called the hospital yesterday and they let me talk to him, which made me feel better. He doesn't want me to bother coming home until after he's out of the hospital, so that means that I'm going to be down here stressing out by myself for 2 weeks or so. His surgery is probably the beginning of next week, and he'll be in the hospital for 5-7 days the nurse said.

Anyway, that's all for now! Hopefully no more tragedies for a while.

So my dad is having an angiogram sometime this morning. I hope everything goes well and there is  not too much damage. I'm just so worked up about it. I don't know what else to write, i'm in a bit of  a state. I just can't decided if i should be going up home, or staying here. I guess the test results will decided for me. 

I got a a call from my mom last night. My dad is in the hospital, he had another heart attack. They say he's doing ok, and that they are doing an angiogram on monday so we'll know more then about how much more damage there is.

Anyway I'm gonna lay on the couch, I didn't get much sleep last night, and I have to leave for the airport in 2 hours to pick David up.

So I've got all my paintings up on the walls finally. That's such a relief, I feel like I actually live here now! I've still got to hang my paper lanterns, but I haven't figured out how to yet, as I can't screw into the ceiling as it's stucco. That's ok tho, I'll figure something out.
I just wish that Dave's mom didn't have such a problem with my choice of decor. YES i do have a pink micorwave with a blow up flamingo sitting on top of it, YES I do have paintings (that I did myself) of naked, or half naked women (women are beautiful, and we should be proud of our bodies), And YES I do have those twirly wind catcher things over my kitchen door, hawiian lais wrapped around the fridge handles AND pictures of tiki guys with drink recipes taped to my cupboards, but what's the problem?? It makes me happy. Flamingos make me happy. My art makes me happy. What a pain. People are so judgemental.

I can see the carpet! And the floor isn't covered in cheerios! I'm on top of the world!

I'm not a neat freak, but I like to see the floor occasionally, and I'm not really fond of tripping over laundry, but being a single mom, I just can't seem to find a spare second to clean. But somewhere I found a few and my apartment is clean and the floors are washed and the carpet is vaccuumed... it's paradise.

Now if I can just tackle those loads of laundry i hid in the store room....

Seriously! If you only have a few sentances to write, just do it on the same damn page as everyone else!

There is no need to "write an article" if you just paste the question at the top and your "advice" isn't even as long at the bloody question! Seriously, are you people just trying to get a higher score or something? Who cares about the score? It has nothing to do with how good a parent you are.

If it's advice it should be longer than the question you are answering. That's it.

AAARRRGH!!

--end of rant--

So the otherday during my brief bout of depression, I decided to buy myself something online. For the first time. I went to amazon, and bought the Yoga Booty Ballet dvd thing, and now I'm obsessively checking canadapost website to see when it'll get here. It finally says its out for delivery!!! I hope I like it, I'm over the yoga dvd I've been using, and the selection in stores for fitness videos really sucks for some reason.

Anyway, I'm waiting for my package. I feel like a kid on Christmas eve!!

So in my on going struggle to decide what to do about David (baby's father/bf or something) I'm trying to decide if I should give up my job to move to be closer to him. Where as I'm in the military, and I've been on maternity leave for almost a year, I would need to work for probably another year to pay back my benefits. I'm not sure on the details.
I've tried to ask about getting a transfer to Ontario, but it doesn't seem to be a possiblilty (for 7-10 years, I've been told) and really, that's just too long to wait.
What's more important? Me having a stable job with benefits, fairly good income, and Lil seeing her dad every month and a half, or her being closer to her father, me having less income, a less stable job, (and no pension, most likely) and less benefits. She's covered under her father, so it's more like me not having benefits.
My life is a roller coaster.
I think if there wasn't some sort of drama or conflict or someone to feude with in my life I'd probably shrivel up and blow away.

Other than the fact that I didn't get to sleep until 4 this morning, after talking to my bf about why he won't marry me, and why he won't move, and about how he is making the biggest mistake of his life, today isn't so bad. I'm thinking of doing some retail therapy after the baby wakes up, maybe go get the stuff to make cookies (OMG why does that make me suddely feel old??)
Or, I've been wanting a hamster or some cute little mice, maybe a trip to the pet store is in order. Either way, I've gotta get my mind off of the fact that my bf is taking a little holiday in the yukon and i'm here alone with a sick baby, and a cat that has decided to poo in my bathroom instead of her litter box.

Ever have a day that is just crappy from begining on? That's today for me. Nothing especially bad has happened, noone has died or anything like that, but it's still just a very crappy day.
To start with, Lily is sick, again, and being very whiny. She went to bed so early last night (4pm!!) and I really should've woken her up, but didn't because she is sick, and she woke up at 5 this morning. 5 is too early for me to be awake.
Then, when nap time came, I put her to bed, and I think that the apartment above us is being redone, because there's alot of banging and drills and stuff going on there. Not the best for when baby is trying to nap.
And I have a head ache.
To top it all off, once I finally did get her to bed, I was going through my bills to see what to pay and such, and my bloody cell phone bill is screwed up. Not to get into boring details or anything, but instead of selling me long distance minutes for the holidays like they were supposed to, they changed my rate plan, and my bill was triple what it normally is.
It's just so frustrating!!!
It seems like nothing is going right in my life at the moment, I'm really pissed off at Lily's dad for not being here, especially when I just need a break for an hour to go get a coffee and relax by myself, with out a crying baby.
I just want to have a bath and read, but I know that as soon as the water is done running Lily will decided that it's time to wake up and complain.
If I could just have a few hours to not be a mommy, I really feel that I would be such a better parent for it.
I wish all my friends hadn't moved away.

Oh well, there are still a few hours of daylight left, maybe once babe is in bed for the night things will get better and I can have my coffee and bath and read in peace.