Haven't heard from jd for 24 hours..... the first 24 are always the hardest. God knows how many times I've checked my phone today...... far too many to count! This is the hardest part of him being away. It's amazing how a simple txt can make all the fears disappear........ I'm hanging on for that txt!

Some of you may of seen on the news that a deckhand went missing off a trawler. I saw the report this morning and at first they didn't say where.... my heart stopped. I sat on the edge of the couch literally waiting for the next news report. My whole body was tense and my heart... well I'm not sure how fast it was beating if at all. Luckily for me it happened here on the Sunshine Coast. I cried with relief, then I cried for the man's family. The weather here has been shocking and the sea's have been really rough. Maybe people will realise now that the men out there are risking their lives to catch the seafood that a lot of us love. Maybe people will realise that it's not easy for the loved ones on land have a tense time waiting for their safe return. I know for me, I have a lot of respect for the guys that are out there fishing.....

Now it's back to waiting and hoping for the txt. The weather hasn't been to flash up north either..... they're probably just out of phone range for the time being.... still this kind of waiting is really, really tough....... gonna be a long night tonight!!!

fi xoxo

Well it's been a busy few days around here.... the migraine that flattened me has nearly gone. Still got some really lovely stabbing pains in my head but at least it's not constant anymore YAY there is a god. Did work out that the migraine was being caused by my back.... must of have some nerve thing going on. All I know is that if I rubbed my neck, the parts of my back I could reach and my shoulders then the pain would ease right off. Oh how nice would a massage be right now..... hey a girl can dream can't she???? The funniest thing that has happened to my physically is....... I have a permantely (sp?) erect nipple ROFL!!! No matter what I do it just won't go down. Oh and it's really, really itchy haha!!! I have come up with some really sneaky and creative way's to scratch when I'm at work.... girls gotta keep some level of dignity lol!!!

Work... man it was a struggle on Monday with the whole migraine thing but I did it. Found that putting ice cold things on my forehead eased the pain... luckily we have a lot of frozen things at work!! Oh, and I quite happily went into the walk in freezer. Nothing like -24 degrees to cure a migraine haha!! I struggled but managed to get through the two days. What did get me though..... the amount of people that love to say "oh, you don't even look pregnant" or " are you sure your that far along?". OMG!!! Oh, and the good old tummy rub! Maybe I'm just over sensitive at the moment but it just feels like such a violation of my personal space. I am sick of saying to people that I didn't even show with G until about 6 months. They all look at me like I'm mad!!! Alright, to me I'm showing. I see my stomach every morning in the shower and I swear it's grown over night! The one person that will be able to see the difference will be jd. The last time he saw me I was only about 9 weeks pregnant. Just have to wait and see what he says!!

Had miss g's parent/teacher interview today and it's safe to say she is her mother's daughter!!! She is doing really great at school and her teacher says that she is an absolute treasure in the classroom. She is reading at 9/10 year old level, spelling at a grade 5 level, her writing is really great and her maths.... well this where she's exactly like me!!! She is struggling and at school I hated Maths. Much rather have my head stuck in a great novel then doing Maths and it appears my little one is the same. Her teacher is not to concerned as she is trying, she is just lacking in confidence. All in all, I am one really proud Mum.... she is my little angel and she is trying her little heart out. Can't ask for more than that!!!!

Jd.... well where to start really. We've started to sort things out but it's really hard when he's so far away. We will once he gets home and he knows now what I've been dealing with. He is really, really struggling at the moment and to be honest, I am more than worried about him. I'm doing my best to keep him going but again, it is really difficult when he's so far away. I had him in tears on the phone today and my heart was breaking. I felt helpless, angry, and really frustrated!! I am someone that loves to help people and this is one situation where I feel so helpless. I received a txt from him about 6:00 this morning. He had been awake for 24 hours after only 4 hours sleep!!  I was suddenly furious. He was the only one awake for 24 hours while the other 2 slept. OMG, he is a human being!! The anger stayed with me for most of the morning. I ended up ringing Mum. She had to do some fast talking to stop me from getting on a plane, going up there, finding him and bringing him home. Believe me, I nearly did!!! It's almost inhumane what this guy is going through. At the moment he's talking about getting aboard the Mother ship and coming home. I think it's a fantastic idea. He is in a really dark place right now and if he's home he can at least get some help. This is one of the hardest aspects of this whole thing. It kills me to hear him like this. He's worried about himself. He said to me that he just can't pull himself out of this funk. The only way he can do it is through anger and aggression. Not a good sign at all. All I can do for the moment is send him loads of txt's and speak to him whenever I can. I've got my fingers crossed that he does get on the Mother ship. It will take a week for him to get to Cairns but at least he'll be away from the other two and on his way home. There's not much else I can do and it sucks. He does sometime struggle when he's out there but nothing like this. I would love to be able to reach out and hug him right now. Jd knows that he can get hold of me anytime and now it's more important than ever. Just hope some luck comes our way and he's able to come home in the next week or two. No matter what's going on between us, it doesn't mean that I stop caring and not wanting to help. I just hope and pray that he can hang on....... that's about all I can do.

Sending lots of love to all,

fi xoxo

My morning sickness is getting worse??????? How can that be??? OMG I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!! I have had this constant headache for the last 3 days... almost like a migraine but not quite..... it's driving me insane. Got to start the the day wonderfully by dry wretching..... it was great!!! There was nothing to come up but oh no my stomach insisted that there was so I had to assume the position over the bathroom sink until something came up!!! I really don't know what else there is for me to do. I've tried taking some panadol but nope, didn't work. I want to feel normal again and really thought the worse was behind me but nooooooo looks like the worse is in front of me. My stomach keeps burbling and churning.. apparently it's not liking the apple that took me over an hour to eat!!! I just can't win it seems. G has been great but I can tell that she's starting to get sick of the whole thing. Somehow I'm meant to work the next three days.... should be interesting considering I have a whole lot of trouble getting off the couch without my head wanting to explode GRRRRRRRRR . I am more than frustrated with it all. Don't quite know who said that morning sickness ends at 3 months.... must of been a man!!!!!

On the jd front well........ we've had a chat and for the moment things are kinda alright. He is going back out fishing today. Tried to get him a flight home but there are none till Wednesday GRRRRRR!!!!! Thursday Island ain't a cheap place to stay so it's back out fishing again. He has spoken to the skippers wife who by the sounds of things pretty much runs the business. He has told her in no uncertain terms that he does not want to be there and wants off a.s.a.p. She said she would advertise for another deckhand. So I will be keeping a tight eye on the net and see if she actually does. If by some sheer luck she does do it and they get someone then he'll be home 2 weeks Monday. If not then we won't see him for at least another 28 days. There's got to be some luck left in the world surely...........

So all in all I am a tired, worn out, grumpy pregnant woman with the constant urge to throw up and not a dam thing I can do about!!! Oh and who can forget the killer headache that has invaded my head!!!! ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!

fi xoxox

This is more than likely going to be one confusing blog....... Sorry but there are so many thoughts running around my head at the moment....

I've got a decision to make..... it's a tough one that I only can make. I've got to decide whether or not I can do this relationship with jd or not. It really and honestly is starting to appear that I am better off on my own. I mean, I spend most of the time on my own so really it wouldn't be a massive change. I am tired of the waiting, the constant bloody waiting. Life just gets put on hold and I'm more than beyond it now. I am tired of life revolving around someone else needs and wants.... I seemed to have forgotten to look after mine. I already have someone who's needs and wants are put well above my own but that's different, she is my child. Of course her needs and wants are paramount, she's a child. When it comes to jd's needs and wants, I think I've done more than enough in ensuring that they are met. Well, to the best of my ability considering the finacial, emotional etc siutation. What about mine??? I've never considered myself a selfish person so maybe I am just being selfish. I've got that saying going around my head, the one that makes me out to be a whinging, whining baby, "What about me?". It really does feel like I've been forgotten about in all of this. Like I'm just expected to do what is required to make sure he can do what he wants and have no problems with it. He always has the freedom to go and do what he wants....I don't believe in tying anyone down. I consider myself quite supportive of people and their dreams for the future..... It feels like I don't have anyone supporting what I want for the future. It's just me, myself and g of course!!! Yes, I am an independant person, I've always kinda prided myself on that. Right now however, I feel like my life is being run by someone else and what they want. Yes, he's out there doing this for the money, I know that but where's the money intended to go?? The boat he's doing up, not our future. Where does my small wage go?? On everything... Rent, bills, food, petrol, clothes etc.... It's really not balanced at all. I'm the one keeping the roof over our heads, food on the table etc... where's the little bit of help for me?? I juggle everything. The bills, the rent, the housework, raising a child, working..... the whole lot. So where is jd in all of this? On thursday island, staying in a hotel that is costing $180 a night, eating whatever he feels like, drinking as much as he wants. What are we having for dinner??? Fish fingers and chips..... as I haven't been working that much, money for food is really tight. Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the food we do have, it's something in our belly's. Where are we staying?? In a mould infested house that is costing me $320 a week... we run out of hot water unless g and I shower together in the morning, there is no drainage under the house so water just sits there hence the mould that is over absolutely everything, this house smells no matter how much I clean it..... this place was only ever meant to be a stop gap. G and I moved here as the place we were in was sold and there was nothing else available in the area we needed. I had always intended moving as soon as the lease was up... that was months ago and we are still here. Why?? A lot of reasons.... every trip he has done was meant to be "the last one", the amount of stuff we now have would be impossible for me to move on my own, I could get a removalist but I don;t have the money for that, the rent's in this area have gone through the roof so even if I could find somewhere local I could not afford the rent. I'm over the empty promise of every fishing trip being the last one. If he really did not want to be there, he wouldn't be. If he really wanted to be here then he could be, he's the one that decided that there's he wants to be.

Today there was a small crisis and for a little while he was not able to contact me. They arrived on Thrusday Island and he had no money. He needed me to send an express money order to the post office. When he did get hold of me I got this comment "When I really needed you, I couldn't get hold of you. You weren't there." Welcome to my world. Where has he been over the last little while when I really needed someone??? When I was so ill with morning sickness that even putting one foot in front of another was a massive task.... where was he?? Not here that's for sure. It's not often that I "need" someone to be here. The moments when I did, there was no one (except for all you wonderful minti mum's!!). It was left up to me to get myself through it, to fight the nausea and do what needed to be done. I've always had this dream that turned into a promise to myself.... I always dreamed that if I was to fall pregnant again then I would share the whole experience with someone. I wanted to share all the milestones, the joy and the shopping for the baby with someone. I promised myself that I would not do this on my own again. I find myself alone again. I'm doing all the doctors appointments, scans, tests alone. I don't have that person to share the experience with. I am lucky in that I have g with me to share it and as much as I love her being a massive part of it all, it's not the same. I also decided a long, long time ago that if I was to meet someone then they had to be someone who was willing to be a constant in g's life. To be that extra bit of stability, the other trusted person that she could turn to....... I have broken that promise to my daughter. Instead, she's got someone who comes and go. That is my fault. Oh believe me, she is fine. She is used to life being just her and me and on the whole she's fine. It's me that sees it like the way it is. G knows that I'm not going anywhere fast, so she has all the reassurance that she needs. So my dream of having someone to share in my next pregnancy is being torn down. Guess it was only ever meant to be a dream. If I wanted to be pregnant and on my own then I could of just gone out, found some random guy and done it that way. However, life doesn't really seem to be about what I want. Again, I am being selfish.

I think my needs and wants are simple one's. I'm not asking for the earth. All I ever wanted was someone to share life with, someone who I could turn to when I needed to, someone who could consider helping me raise a wonderful little girl. I've always thought that allowing someone into our little family was a pretty huge honour and somewhat of a priviledge. Maybe I have just expected to much out of this whole thing. I only ever wanted the best for miss g and I suppose in the end me. Maybe dreams should just stay that, dreams. Right now, I've got some tough decisions to make and I can guarantee that they will not be made lightly. I've got to do what's best for miss g and worm...... and maybe I will take the selfish road and try and do what's best for me. People will probably tell me to wait till he's home again..... that's the thing, I'm always waiting. Waiting for him to come home from fishing, waiting to move, waiting to rest.... I'm really beginning to hate the word waiting. I'm fine... just being on my own... again.

fi xoxox