Well.... where to start????

Today started off with me in a sarcastic (see previous blog) mood and really not wanting to face the day. I got myself to work, took a few deep breaths and got ready to face the day. I couldn't shake this feeling that something was going to happen. I didn't know what, I didn't know why... all I knew was that I was dead certain that something was going to happen.

The day flowed fairly normally. Served a few people, cleaned and cleaned, nothing exciting at all. Around lunch time we were a little busy. I was off in my own little world, doing my thing when I looked up and saw her... OMG my dear friend Lexi had come to see me. Some may remember I blogged a while ago about Lexi. She has cancer. I got the shock of my life!!! I was soo excited to see her YAY!!! She had defied doctors orders (typical Lexi) and left the comfort of her home to come and see the likes of me. I wrapped my arms around her, she is so thin! We held onto each other for as long as we could.... then that feeling came on so strong....I knew that this was something I was not going to like. There were a few tears when we let go of each other and I could tell by the look in her eye that this visit had a lot more meaning than I first realised. I gave her Mum a huge hug (she's like my second Mum). I was over the moon to see the both of them. I looked at Lexi and my heart started to break. The sparkle she walks around with has all but disappered. She's almost a grey colour and the smile she now wears is one that is almost forced. She is desperately thin... I mean the girl has always been thin but this is ridiculous!!!! I told the staff that I was taking my lunch break and that was that. I walked out of the shop with Lexi and we headed over the road to the beach. Her Mum went off to find something for lunch while Lexi and I found somewhere semi private to talk. We sat down near the rocks and she took my hand in her's. I had tears already, I almost knew what was coming....... She's not going to make it.... She looked me sqaure in the eyes and said "Fi, this is something I couldn't tell you over the phone. The cancer has spread all through my body. They could operate and operate, fire as much chemo as possible at me but there is only a 10-20% chance that it will make any difference. I have decided that I want to live my last months not keep death at bay. I have decided not to put my body through all of that just to buy a smidge more time. I have to face facts..."  I just sat there. I couldn't speak. I wanted to scream at her for not wanting to fight, for being so willing to give up a chance to have a bit more time with us. We just sat there in silence for a few moments. She said to me "Fi, you know this is the right thing to do. You know I love you like a sister and I hope you understand my decision". I don't understand it but I do respect it. My friend has decided to live her last moments on this earth with dignity. She wants to live and laugh for as long as she can. The doctors can't give her a definite amount of time she has left. The cancer is in her lungs, on her kidneys, a lump on her spine, it's everywhere. Her body will just slowly shut down over time. Lexi is determined to see two things... my 30th birthday (in September) and to see this baby be born. If there is one thing I know for a fact, when Lexi is determined to do something then look out.

We sat together in silence. There was no need for words. I sat there trying to take in that my friend is dying..... and there really is nothing that anyone can do to prevent it. She has known for a while but wanted to tell in me person. She wanted to be there to comfort me when I should be the one comforting her. We walked slowly back to work, arm in arm. I didn't want to let her go. Even though she is so ill she still looks graceful and divine. I walked proudly with my friend, privledged to have the chance to be her friend, to love her, to laugh with her and to experince life with her. We got back to work and we hugged. It was time to say good bye for the moment. She wanted to go and see G so I rang Mum and Dad and told them that she was on her way. She walked away with her Mum and I stood there not able to move for a few moments. I has a real mixture of emotions. I was devastated, yet so happy that I got to see her. I was numb yet so bloody angry. How can life be so cruel?? How can her life be cut short??? IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!! Lexi has made her peace with it all and now must I. She wants to enjoy the time she has left and I am determined that when we see each other that every moment will be filled with laughter and love. Miss G was apparently very excited to see her Aunty lex!!! They had a great time together as always. Her Mum messaged me to say thank you, she hadn't seen Lexi smile like that for a while.  I spent the rest of the day at work just going through the motions. I was there but I wasn't. I picked G up after work and she showed me the toys that Aunty lex had given her and there was one for me.... It's Lexi's favourite braclet. I know wear it with pride. It's never coming off my wrist. We got home and I went and sat outside for a bit. I just needed that little bit of quiet time. No tears, she's still here... I just needed that little bit of tune out time which G gave me (thank you G). I walked back inside and sat down to write this. Now to anyone who has read this and is crying stop it. This is not such a sad story, Lexi is still here. Instead, don't worry about the petty things in life.... go and live life. Laugh as much as you can and love deeply. Hug your kids every chance you get. If you have partner tell them that you love them, show them that you love them. Call a friend you haven't spoken to in a while, send them an email whatever.. just make contact with them. There is so much to life..... Instead of worrying what someone thinks of you or trying to stir up someone just for the sake of it.. go and spend sometime with the people that you love and that love you. Time is precious..... so don't waste time worrying over the small things..... take that time and use it to be with those you love.

love and hope to all,

fi xoxo