That's the question a lot of people ask me.... how do I love someone who isn't here??? Well, it ain't easy that's for sure!!! I can only speak for myself. There are ALOT of people that are seperated from their partners, each individual story is different but has a common thread.........the person you love is not here.

Each day is different.. different emotions, different thoughts but the feeling of seperation is never too far away. For me, I could be in a crowded room filled with laughter, talking, friends etc but the lonely feeling is still with me. It's almost like you're seperated from everyone else in the room.. like you're there but you're not. It can be like living two lives at once. The one you live when your partner is home is suddenly put into a holding pattern so you "create" another life at the same time to see you through. There are times where you desperately want to stop time so they don't miss a thing but life goes on with or without them here. That has been one of the toughest things for me to come to terms with. Especially with miss g. Kids are forever growing and changing and it hurts to know that he's not here to see it. Sure, you can tell them all about it but sometimes it not the same as them seeing it. People say keep yourself busy and to a degree that works. For instance, you go to work, you're busy, distractions everywhere. Then drive home happens and the thinking starts. Just knowing that when you pull into the driveway, get out the car, open the front door, there will be no one home. You shut the front door to the outside world where you've pretended for most of the day that you're fine, you're not missing them and everything is normal. You enter the world of truth, he's not there and you miss him more than words could ever say. For me, I keep going and do the routine things.. get dinner going, clean up a little, feed g.. all the normal things. Then it's her bedtime.... silence again. I can sit on the couch and watch tv... I do admit that I look to the right of me at the empty seat beside me.... I miss him even more then. The toughest times can be going to bed at night and first thing in the morning. There have been countless mornings where in my sleepy state, it's almost like he's there.. I can almost feel him laying next to me. Reality always sets in and that feeling disappears... the other side of the bed is still empty. He is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. There are days where I can question and question if I do love him and he me, if this is really I want. There are days where I am so sure that I don't love him and I don't want him to come back. That's all just from the anger and frustration that I can feel. You do feel hurt and angry for them leaving you and I suppose you sometimes just want to hurt them as much as they have hurt you. Rational thoughts always come back and set the record straight though. It is one hell of a rollercoaster to be on and looking at it now I suppose I have found my own way coping. It doesn't mean though that I'm not hanging on for the phone calls or txt messages. It's almost like you start living for them and on the really bad days it's the only thing that gets me through. As I type, my mobile is right beside me in the hope for a txt or a phone call. That little bit of reassurance that he's ok, he's missing me as much I miss him and the three tiny words that can make me cry and smile at the same time "I love you". It can be difficult to speak to him though knowing that he's going through hell or is in some kind of pain, I just want to be able to help him. It can be very frustrating!!! Makes me wonder if it's easier to be the one leaving than the one that is left behind..... I know that he wants to be here but for the moment he can't be. That "moment" can feel like forever... it drags and drags. You get over it pretty darn quick!!! There are the times when all I can think of is him wrapping his arms around me... they're the times I miss the most. The quiet times where we would lay with each other, no words spoken, just peaceful and content. I try not to think of those moments to much but sometimes I can't help it. In the silence, I sit there and close my eyes.... I can almost feel and hear him next to me. It can be a comfort and so painful all at the same time.

So I guess I just do it somehow..... At the moment I'm just hanging on.... it's the time of the trip where he's so close to coming home yet still so far away. Hopefully my phone will ring, it may not...... If it doesn't I'll be alright..... I always seem to manage to be. To those that are seperated from loved ones..... it's a tough and lonely road. I could say that you're not alone but that's almost like lying..... I mean I can't be in the room with you to ease the loneliness... but I understand just how tough you are to get through it.

love to all,

fi xoxo