have a little bit of news..... just did a couple of pregnancy tests and I AM PREGNANT OMG NOT COPING!!!!!!!!

All I want to do is cry but if you sked me why I really couldn't tell you. I guess all the stress and strain has finally caught up with me. I miss Jd, I really do but it doesn't hurt as bad as last time... at times I feel terrible cos I don't miss him when I should. I'm enjoying the time to myself and I really didn't realise how tired I was until he left. Now I feel terrible for saying that. I know a lot of it has to do with me being so used to being on my own. I did my own thing, in my own house and now suddenly bang!!! There's someone else. I do love him but in some ways I'm glad for the time apart. I am grateful for the times we get to speak, it often cheers me up. It's acutally hurting me more that I'm not missing him, the guilt can be all consuming at times. Especially when he's missing me so badly..... hopefully this will pass soon.

Maybe I'm just worn out from work. It has really taken it out of me and I hate that more than anything. I hate not being able to function without pills. Today was a struggle to say the least. I did it and I'm proud of myself for getting through it but at the same time I can' t help but think how pathetic I am for whining about working. It is a struggle for me some days to put one foot in front of another or to even leave the house. It's killing me to admit that. I see it as a sign of weakness. Whatever the hell is wrong with me will not beat me, I won't allow it...... I'm just finding it really tough to pull myself through this. It makes it really hard when Mum expects so much of me. It's almost like she doesn't see me as sick at all. Maybe I've hidden it to well from everyone. I think I've reached my limit now. I really don't think that there is anymore I can do or give but she thinks there is so best to keep on going. Believe me, the other alternative for me at the moment would create so much hassle that what I'm doing now is a mere walk in the park. I somehow have to hang on until Jd's home and then we can get the hell outta of this place. I need my own life........ I fear this life is starting to slowly kill me. This is the worst I have felt in a long time....... tomorrow's another day though.

Speaking of tomorrow..... it's pretty much the one and only day off I have for the week. I am working right through until Tuesday next week. Anyway, I have to do something I really don't want to do.... go and see my so called Father. He's the one that got himself in this mess yet my life is the one paying the price. He's the one that went out and got that drunk that he fell down the stairs and smashed his head. I know I should feel some kind of empathy or sympathy but I don't. I can't stand even being in the same room as him. While he was in hospital I was the one facing everyone everyday. The rumours, the embaressment....... I'm the one that had to deal with creditors, staff, managment the lot. He says he's grateful, it makes my stomach turn. Just knowing that I have to face that man tomrrow makes me want to scream. I want to yell at him, tell him to get himself out of this.... that's what he'd say to me. Mum is playing along with the whole thing. He's home now from hospital and can't be left on his own for too long in case something happens. Well, Mum refuses to cancel her hair appointment so I have been summoned to go over there, make sure he takes his tablets and eats his lunch. I can think of nothing worse. I don't want to face that man who I'm fairly sure is part of the reason as to why I am so sick. The stress that has happened because of him is overwhelming. I want some real time to myself and tomorrow was the only chance I was going to have for at least a week. Somehow I'm meant to go over there with a smile on my face, sit in the same room as him, communicate with him when all I want to do is to tell him to leave me the hell alone. Stay out of my life. Enough with lies and the bull shit. Time for him to face up to the mess that he left for me to clean up yet again. I know the binge drinking is a disease, I studied it for a number of years but this is too personal to remove myself from. If I hear Mum say to me one more time " I know that he did it to himself but the poor man" I'll hurt someone. He has never been a Father to me and after nearly 30 years, never will be. He will always be the man that has showed me everything that is bad in a person. When we leave I really don't want anything to do with him.

Sorry about the rant.......

much love to all,

fi xoxo

Right just need to get this out......

I've been working since Thursday and will now more than likely have to work through until next Saturday before I get a day off. We have been absolutely flat out, I'm buggered and going against the medical advice I received, REST!!! Why am I doing this? One word, STAFF!! The people I work with all know that I am not well and should be resting but nooooo that's apparently not going to happen. They all know that Jd's not here at the moment so it's just me flying solo at home again. Don't get me wrong, I'm used to that one but still, he was the extra bit of support that I needed. Anyway, the amount of them that have just told me that they can't work whatever day and then the cracker. Asking me for the weekend off, knowing full well it's another long weeked for us (that equals VERY BUSY), that I wouldn't of have a day off and that I am not well. Then having the cheek to ask how I'm feeling and saying well you can do it!!! The selfishness astounds me. The doc said not to spend more than 3 hours on my feet and each day that I have worked I have doubled that. Then add the stocktake, the paperwork, the mother aspect and the old man still in hospital.......... I honestly thought that someone would of offered to do an extra shift so I could have a day off.... oooohhhh no! The pain in my back and my legs is increasing. I'm pretty much only eating one meal a day and physically I am worn out. I have to go to work today as we are understaffed, have to work tomorrow cos we are understaffed. All this and don't even really get paid properly, the joy's of working for the family.

On a brighter note, I have been so lucky in that I have been able to talk to Jd the last couple of days. That and 1 extra special minti mum have been keeping me going. Jd doesn't know how much longer they are going to be where they are. Once they leave the area no more phone range= no more talking for a while. I am really grateful for being able to talk to him and have my fingers crossed that he's either home early or that they keep fishing where they are so we can chat once a day.

Well thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Off to go and get ready for work again...... don't know how I'm gonna do this one but somehow I will.

Much love to all,

fi, miss g and jd xoxo

Well I'm still here and still doing o.k. Have the odd moments in the day where I miss him terribly but all in all I'm getting there. Have been lucky enough to be able to speak to him today. Usually his phone is out of range where he is but the other deckhand that was on board had to be taken to an island today. He had got his finger caught in the capstan (winch) and now he's flown home. So Jd's phone is in range for the moment anyway. He sounds so tired.... just want to be able to hug him.... this is the hardest part. Not being able to comfort him when he needs me. So we just have to make do with just being able to tell each other that we love each other. He's a little suprised at how much he is missing me already. To be honest I'm a little suprised too. I am really grateful for being able to speak to him. We all need that little bit of reassurance and so I am ready now to face the next few days without being able to speak to him. The only thing is they may not keep fishing cos there are only two on board. We are waiting to see what the skipper says. If he decides not to then we have to come up with another lot of airfares with him only earning money for 1 night. I'm not to happy about it as this bloke hasn't been entirely honest with Jd from the start. I mean, he didn't tell Jd that he was only going to fish for more 4 weeks then have a break. I'm fairly sure that Jd wouldn't of gone if he had known that it was only going to be 4 weeks. So we'll just have to wait and see. Sleep well Jd, we miss you and love you xoxo

Well went to the Doc's and again no answers as to why this new set of symptoms have occured. I am still bleeding slightly and still fighting fatigue at every corner. He told me to make an appointment to see the hosptial gyno. My gp isn't to happy in the fact that I am still waiting to have the lap done. It's coming up for nearly a year since all this started getting really bad. OS the bleeding could be caused by some bleeding from my uterus to my bowel or something like that. Had an interal ultrasound and now waiting for the results. He told me to rest, rest, rest!!!! Well slight problem with that. I am working the next 4 days straight as there is no one else to do it. The thing is, after about 2-3 hours on my feet I get these really bad pains in my legs. Then after about 5 my right leg goes numb. All the shifts I'm working are around 6 hours each so I guess I'll just have to battle on through somehow. My hospital appointment is on the 6 May but more than likely the same thing will happen as last time. They'll take down my details, make a note of everything and then I'll be sent home to wait more. I just want to feel normal. I want to pain and nausea free but that doesn't seem to be attainable for me. So have to get through the next little while until the gyno appointment where there will probably be no more answers.

Much love to all,

fi xoxo

Hi there,

             Well the tears haven't really come at all and I am doing, wellllll, just fine. Don't get me wrong, there have been a couple of moments today where I really missed him but otherwise I've really suprised myself.

I have spoken to him quite a bit today. A couple of times when he got to Cairns and then again when he made it to Horn Island. I thought that was it then but he decided differently! Rang me when he was at the pub with the new skipper and other deckhand just to let me know that he was fine and that they seem alright. So I thought that was it and I was fine. Wished him all the luck in the world, told him to stay safe, that I'll be thinking of him, that we miss him and that I love him. Then he was gone and still no tears. Then I settled in to watch some tele and the phone rang AGAIN. He rang me when they were steaming out. This time around it seems to be him that is needing more support than me! How ironic. He said that he really, really misses me. Awwwwww, I love my man. I am actually fine. The only thing I am more worried about id my health. Keep having break through bleeds that are really painful and coupled with quite severe diarrohea. Off to the doctor tomorrow as this hasn't happened before and I'm starting to get concerned. Who knows, they may actually take some action now.... yeah right.

To all those that left lovely messages in my last blog I really appreciate it. I am fine, no tears, well not yet anyway. Oh I forgot to say, the countdown is officially on.... he's home in 4 weeks!!!! That's right ladies and gents...... the man I adore is home in 4 weeks. So I'm going to try and enjoy the next 4 weeks.... just hope my health holds out and lets me enjoy some peace and quiet.

love to all,

fi, miss g and jd xoxoxox

P.S thanks for the gift Jess.... perfect.... just perfect!!!!!

P.P.S Manda, you helped me today and I really appreaciate it...... THANK YOU LOODER!!!!

the tears that is.... yep he's gone and I'm sat here in the darkness waiting for I don't know quite what. I want him to walk back in the door right now and not go ever again. Let's face it, that ain't gonna happen. The tears are no where near as bad as last time. They've stopped for the moment. In one way I'm glad I didn't take him to the airport. It was really painful last time and he was really understanding as to why. At least this way I can try and go and get some sleep. Have to work in the morning. I miss him dearly already, I've lost that piece of me until he returrns. I'm not quite sure how I am right now.... numb, a little lost, sad......... I'm gonna try my hardest this time to stay strong. I know I drove everyone nuts last time. I better get myself to the docs too. I keep bleeding on and off for no reason with diahorea as well. Makes for a really uncomfortable night believe me.

So to jd..... we miss you already and have started the countdown until your back. This is shit (pardon me)...... I love you jd and always will. Everyone please wish for him to stay safe out there again, that he comes quickly and that miss g and I will get through this with minimal pain.

much love to all,

fi, miss g and jd xoxo

being broke and trying to cook to budget...... hehe.... I thought I would start to share some cheap tasty reciepes. Lets face it, food aint getting any cheaper and the cost of living has hit the roof. So here's my first one that Miss g loves....

Creamy Pasta with Ham and Peas,

You'll need,

500g of rigatoni pasta (or whatever shape you like)

1 tablespoon olive oil (or whatever cooking oil is in the pantry)

200g sliced ham ( I use the cheapest one from the deli section) chopped coarsely.

1 medium brown onion sliced thinly.

1 clove garlic crushed.

300ml cream

1 cup of frozen peas

parmesan cheese if you want it.

COOK pasta in large saucepan of boiling water. Reserve 1/4 cup of the cooking liquid, drain pasta.

MEANWHILE heat oil in large frying pan, add ham, cook, stirring until crisp. Remove from pan. Add onion and garlico same frying pan; cook stirring until onion is soft.

ADD cream, peas, and reserved cooking liquid to pan; bring to the boil. Reduce heat; simmer uncovered, until suace has thickened slightly.

ADD sauce and ham to the pasta and toss gently to combine. Serve sprinkled with parmesan cheese. ( I use the stuff from the jar or the packet hehe)

SO there you have it. It fills you up, tastes really yummy and the most expenisve thing to get is the ham (Mine cost $3.17 last week.

much love to all fi xoxoxo

Sorry didn't mean to frighten anyone with the title but think it's kinda apt.......

I'm warning you all that as of Tuesday 22 April 2008, at 3:30 a.m I am back to being on my own again. Jd's off fishing again.... don't know how long for, have no idea when he gets back....... after 2 blissful months with him, the silence is starting to creep back in. I'm just keeping it together (doesn't mean I won't be able to help others...... yes I mean you AMANDA) but guess Tuesday will be the shock I don't need. I understand all his reasons for going... money etc but again the feeling of loosing a massive part of me is coming back. I suppose I survived last time... thanks to a lot of people on here... I suppose I'll survive this time.... guess I'm over surviving and not living. Not going to the airport this time, I can't bring myself to do it..... been fighting the tears on and off all day but me thinks Tuesday they are going to flow quite freely.. So I will take this opportunity to apologise in advance for the future blogs that may come about......

much love to all,

fi, miss g and jd xoxo

Well today I did everything for everyone else and really I am over it. Spent the morning in the shop even though I wasn't meant to be there, went to Mum's to sort out more crap,came home to complete the stocktake, went back to the shop to sort out more crap, back to Mum's etc etc. I am soooo tired of being the responsible one. Paying the bills (jd helps out but I have to pay them all the time), managing the shop, being a parent.... the list goes on. I am worn out but now cant sleep cos I am so wound up. So this arvo I decided to break out and just be well............... a kid.

G was on her trampoline so I joined in! Yep ladies and gents, I spent the arvo jumping, rolling and skipping on a trampoline and you know what?? It was fantastic!!! I forgot all about the shop and the crap that comes with it, even if it was only for a little while. I jumped as high as I could go and G was in hysterics. There was something about it all... I just felt so free. It was like being a kid again. I was just so intent on what I was doing that I was oblivious to the world around me. Normally I would kick back with a good glass of vino but since I can't drink trampoline it is for me. I needed to feel irresponsible for a while, even just an hour. I've spent the last week on the phone with creditors, suppliers, doctor's, lawyers and so on. Add to that all the staff crap and the day to day running of the shop and I was at the end of my rope. Maybe I'll have to do the trampoline once a week.... just so I can forget the world and emmerse myself in the innocence of childhood. Even if it's only for an hour.

Much love to all,

fi, miss g and jd xoxoxxoxo

Well my health is on the decline yet again... great just great. I had a period of feeling really good. Hardly any nausea etc but now it's returned full force. A lot of it is due to stress. I know I shouldn't stress but there is ALOT going on in my life around bout now. Jd is still here thank god but it looks like he's going fruit picking for a bit next week. We need the money if we are to do this move that we are planning on. Just means that we are going to be apart again . I am so used to having him around now that it's gonna be tough to see him go again. He is trying so hard to be supportive bless him but in this situation I can't expect anyone to understand.

The situation is this.... my old man is currently in hospital. Why? Cos he went on yet another binge drinking episode, fell down some stairs, wacked his head, ended up in intesive care for 3 days and now has trouble remembering alot of things. So I have had to reutrn to working in the shop except for this time I have to run the whole thing. Add that too all the people coming in wanting to know how he is and the ones that look at me strangely cos they actually know what happened. Having to deal with creditors everyday, managment always on the phone, mum stressed out and not coping too well, Miss g trying to make sense of it all, not enough money to pay bills for the shop and the list goes on. It's the never ending cycle of crap that I have dealt with all my life. I want it to stop but for the moment this is apparently where I need to be. I have to face facts that the little dream that jd and I have will have to be put on hold for the short term. I just hope that my health can hold on for as long as I am needed here..... fingers crossed ladies and gents.

Much love to all,

fi and miss g xoxox

P.S I am more in love than ever before.... YAYAYAY

Well most people on here know how jd and I first met and most people have read our journey along the way...... there are some moments that no one knows about, each as special as the next. I treasure all these moments but there are some that stand out more than others.......

Jd and I have this little ritual thing going that whoever wakes up first cuddles the other. Well, I usually wake up with him curled into my back and lightly stroking my arm. It's our special time of the day that we know that we aren't going to be disturbed by the phone or miss g (well not usually hehe). We just lay there enjoying the warmth of each other and the silence of the room. There was this one particular morning that stands out to me.....

Rain was lightly falling on the tin roof, a gentle breeze coming through the window and the first glimpses light for the coming day filtering through the blinds. I awoke to find jd lightly stroking my head, curled into my back with one leg over mine. As he felt me rouse he drew me in closer to him and gently kissed my neck. "morning beautiful" he whispered as  I began to stretch out the sleep from body. I rolled towards and he wrapped his big arm over my body and drew my leg in between his. I could feel myself start to drift off back to sleep when I felt his lips carress my forehead. He squeezed me tightly and then let me go a bit. "Hun" he whispered.... "hmmm" groaned I.... " you know how you have an idea of the perfect person for you well you are more than perfect for me. You are the only one that has ever measured up to the perfection I once dreamed of".......... I didn't know what to say. We layed there in silence for a few minutes. He then lifted my head by placing a finger under my chin. I opened my bleary eyes. He looked beyond my eyes and said " I honestly have never loved someone so much as I love you". Kissed me so lightly on the lips, then the cheek, pulled me in close to his chest, took a deep breath and then drifted back off to sleep. I layed there still dumbfounded but then relaxed into those arms and loved every moment of that morning. I have no idea how long all this took. All I know is that he is the only one that can leave me speechless.

much love to all,

fi xoxoxo

As I sit here listening to the relaxing sounds of the sander (NOT), a child laughing on the trampoline and the gentle tap tap of me typing, I can't help but wonder what have I got myself into lol!!! I have been parenting on my own for 7 years and now all of a sudden I have someone else who is trying to be a parent as well. WTF??? How the hell did I get here?? Yep this has just hit me....... we are fast becoming a "family"..... WOW. Miss g and jd have been fighting and fighting and fighting. I get the pleasure of being the referee!!!

It came to the crunch point the other day. I snapped and sent them both outside to sort it out!!! Hahaha, I sent a 37 year old and an 8 year old to the naughty step. It's all the adjusting and believe me it's taking a lot of work. Jd's never really been around kids and Miss g has had me all to herself for the last 7 years. He wants me all to himself sometimes, she wants me all the time. I have never been so wanted before in my life. It's all kind of overwhelming and slightly bewildering. I am someone who comes from the background of being pushed aside and the constant fight to be noticed. Now I'm in a position where there are two people who I adore wanting to be with me. Believe me, it scares me senseless if I think about it too much hehe. We are all trying to find out feet with all of this but I think we had a breakthrough today. Miss g and I suprised jd with a picnic at the park. She was so proud of herself for helping me and he was overwhelmed that we went to all the trouble for him. So we ate, laughed, talked and relaxed. The two of them went off to kick the ball around while I got to sit back and watch them. I sat there and smiled. Miss g has finally got what she has always wanted..... a "dad". He was showing her how to kick the ball and then they start throwing grass at each other hehe. It was just so lovely to watch the two people who mean more to me than anything else share some quality time together. It's simple things like today that we sometimes take for granted. It wasn't a grand day by any respects but it will remain with me for days and years to come. The day when Miss g finally got her wish.......

Much love to all,

fi, miss g and jd xoxo

Hi there,

             I had a bit of time to think today.... had to drop my sister back to the airport which is around a 2 hour drive from here!!!! So on the drive back I began to realise something. The last few years of my life I have done nothing but live my life for others. My life has been about everyone else's needs and wants. I have helped who I can whenever I can and sometimes at big sacrifice to myself. I have tried and tried but sometimes to no avail. So why do I do this??? What have I gotten out of it???? Well not much sometimes and a whole lot other times. What I realised when I was driving is that I have an opportunity now......... I have the chance to love and be loved. I have the chance to live my life with someone I adore in it, I have the chance to be me and be loved for it. I have the chance for freedom from all this family crap that's been going on (WHOLE other blog believe me). I am going to seize this chance and run with it. Yep, it's scary and full of risks. A whole lot could go wrong but then again, a whole lot could go so right. I won't know unless I try. I have faith in jd and I am only just starting to find faith in myself. I am one of the lucky ones and eternally grateful for what I have right now. I may not have a whole lot in the material sense but what I do have far outweighs any possession I could own. I have the one I never thought exsisted. I have a daughter I am really proud of and I have a chance....... that one chance that should never be ignored. So love till your very last breath, laugh until you can no more and live your life for you first.

Just needed to get that out of my head....... thanks!!!

much love to all,

fi, miss g and jd xoxoxxo

Hi Everyone,

                    Well after a really long absence I can finally blog on minti!!!! Some may say it's a good thing, some may say not hehehe. Thanks to Nat and Amanda for letting me invade their blogs in between times...... I really appreciate it.

Soooooo in the next instalment that some have been waiting for...... welllllll here you go....

After jd got back, yep we had a few fights but did a lot of making up  as well. Anyway, he decided that he wanted to go and do season Banana prawning in Darwin. He would be gone for 6-7 weeks. I knew that I could do it again, I mean I did 12 weeks so 6-7 is nothing. Inside though, my heart was breaking. I had the one thing I was longing for home again just to have it leave again. So he contacted the company, got his flights details and everything was set for him to go. The day arrived for him to go. He woke up in the morning and said to me that he really didn't want to go. I said to him "Well don't go then, stay here". Dead silence..... he was thinking about it. We talked and talked but I had to get G to school. I drove a fast as I could to get her there and get back in time to stop him from going. I returned home and found him in turmoil... to go or not to go...... We weighed EVERYTHING up. Every pro and con you could think of was discussed. Then I had to go out... BUGGER!!!! I left him to think it over for a while. I had said everything I could think of to get him to stay. My heart was pounding as I drove home. I was convinced that he was going to tell me that he was going and that was that. I pulled into the driveway my heart sank. There he was on the front porch with the look I was hoping not to see. I went inside and just started doing the washing up to distract myself. He said to me "hun, should I stay??" I said "The decision is yours but you have to make it now. It's nearly time to get packing to get to the airport." More silence.... then this "Hun, I'm not going, I'm staying". I nearly dropped the dish I was washing up. He was staying for me..... I could feel the tears starting to well up but I kept them in check. All I could say was "Ok that's great!!!" I was in sooo much shock. I honestly thought he was going. The man I adore chose to stay with me and G. I still have moments where I still can't believe that someone would do that for me. It's been pretty hard at times but he is more than worth it. If this isn't true love, I don't know what is.

There is a whole lot more to the story but I had to blog as I promised my two closest minti mates that I would asap. So there you have it. Jd is here with me and g and we couldn't be happier.

much love to all,

fi, miss g and jd xoxox

I'M BACK heheheeheheheeheheheehehe

I have missed you all.... not quite sure if I've been missed....... oh well I'M BACK..........

love to all,

fi, miss g and jd xoxox