I feel so completely alone in this...... I know I'm not but that lonely feeling is here again. If it wasn' t for Miss g.......... I know I have received some wonderful support here on minti and for that I am truly grateful. There are times though when words on a screen can only provide so much comfort. Man, that sounded really horrible, sorry.

Well, I'm past the 12 weeks now and nope the morning sickness hasn't disappeared. Looks like it's here for the long haul. I don't know how I'm gonna do this one. All that seems to settle my stomach a bit is crackers and sips of lemonade. I am so sick of the sight of crackers but it's the only thing that can keep the nausea at bay.... well for a few hours anyway. Last nite I decided to lash out... big mistake. We had in the fridge a lammington roll cake. I stood there looking at it and thought bugger it, I'm gonna have a really thin slice. It was heaven!! Food with taste... food that was not a cracker!!! I was fine for a couple of hours and then run for the kitchen sink I did. The price I pay for eating something other than a cracker!!!! Maybe it's time to go to the doc and see if there is anything else I can take or do to get through this. I now know that ginger tea is a massive no no and so is anything with cream in it........

I was just speaking to jd and he really just doesn't get it and he's starting to make me paranoid. He said to me that this whole morning sickness thing I'm going through is not normal and that there is obviously something else wrong. He also said the reason I've got nausea all the time is cos I'm not eating and when I do eat it's crap food. Think he missed the part where I said I really have trouble eating. I want to eat, I miss food but when it keeps coming back ALL the time you kinda just give up. So looks like little miss g is going to have to put up with me running on nothing. It's really not fair on her. She has all these little adventures planned for the holidays but leaving the house can be a tall order. I want to leave the house. I want to be able to take her out.. even if it's just to the park without this nausea and the vomiting. I don't know what to do about jd. Feels like he doesn't believe me or doesn't want to support me through this. I am trying so hard to put on a brave face and a smile for everyone.... it's really hard to do when you feel like complete hell. So guess I've got this on my own... somehow I have to find a way to cope with this for the next 6 months..........

love to all,

fi xoxox

sometimes in our lifetime we get the chance to meet someone and have a connection with them that is very hard to describe. I count myself as one of the lucky few that have had that chance. The connection with this person is just truly amazing and never in a million years did I think it would ever happen. How could I be so lucky. This connection is powerful, strong, unbreakable... almost spiritual. The person with whom I have such a connection with is the warmest, loving, caring, beautiful souls I have ever met. This person is someone with just that natural sunny outlook. Their touch can warm even the coldest hearts. Their laugh can bring a smile to even the saddest of faces. This persons smile is infectious. Their spirit is one of beauty, strength, determination and the purest love. Their approach to life is one that anyone would be so proud of and the care that this person has shown me still amazes me to this day. This person has been there with me through the worst of times... with a comforting hug, an offer of a tissue and a smile. This person has also been there with me through the greatest of times with a smile, a hug and sometimes a much needed tissue! This person has put up with a lot from me and has been so fantastic while I have been so crook... with hardly a complaint. This person has shown me nothing but love, honesty, warmth and caring.

I remember the first time I met this person. How different they were then and wow, how they have grown!!! I knew when I met this person that we would be the firmest of friends and sometimes the firmest of enemies lol! The day we first came across each other I will never forget...  I remember the date and the time...... I remember the instant smile that came across my face, the overwhelming feeling of love and security I felt the first time we hugged. I still have that feeling now.....The date was 29 March 2000..... the time was 7:39 p.m..... the person is my daughter...... I love you miss g and I have a lot to thank you for. There have been many a day where you have been the only reason I've gotten out of bed. You are the one who has seen me through some of the toughest times and you don't even know it. I am so very proud to call you my daughter but also my friend........ Thank you to whoever I need to thank for giving me such a wonderful daughter and friend. There are days where I sit and wonder "why me? what have I done to deserve her?'...... I am one of the lucky ones......

Thank you miss g.... you are AWESOME!!!!!!!

much love,

fi xoxo

Hmmmm could it be over???? I am now 12 weeks and 1 day and the nausea is still with me but not as bad. Could it be true???? Could it be finally easing??? I hope so. This bub seems to loooovvvveeee Vegemite so I am living on the stuff. For the moment it's the only thing that will sit in my stomach without causing too much grief. So looks like I'm going to be keeping the Vegemite name in business for at least the next 6 months... YAY for Vegemite.

Went to work yesterday and it was one hell of a struggle.  I was really crook the day before and to be honest, wasn't feeling to crash hot yesterday. Anyway, I managed to make it in there and I was quite proud of the fact that I even made it there to begin with. So I walk in the door, say good morning to the girl I am working with and she greets me with "You look like shit!"... Hmm thanks. Believe me, I had a lot of people tell me yesterday that I looked like that. Really didn't make me feel any better. I got myself ready for the day at work....... The girl I was working with just stood there and read a magazine for at least an hour. Hmmm, not to impressed. I served people, did some food prep, dealt with a freezer issue, served more people, more food prep and the list goes on. Oh,she can't miss her lunch break though. Has to be on time every time. I said to her that  I was just gonna pop to the loo as I would be on my own for a bit and couldn't leave the shop. She turned around and said "can you mak it quick I need my lunch break???" Ummm, the amount of times I have gone to work, NOT had a lunch break because of the rest of them not pulling their weight. Believe me, I tell em all to move it but seems to fall on deaf ears!!! It went on like this all day. Look, I know pregnancy is not a disability but of bit help would of been nice. I put away a couple of orders that we got in as well. Now these boxes are quite heavy and need to be lifted up quite high. She actaully stood there while I struggled with them. A couple of times I asked her to help and suddenly she had stuff to do. So I poked my head around the front and there she was stood there, reading a magazine. Oops, forgot to mention.. technically I'm this girls boss. I survived the day though and really quite proud of myself considering how awful I was feeling and apparently I looked that way too! There is nothing like feeling like complete crap and being told you look like it too. I was actually feeling better than I was the day before too. Well, it's over with anyway and I don't have to face any of them till Wednesday. Really hope that they are all in the mood to work as it's school holidays and we can get quite busy!

Well, best be off to shower and start cleaning this thing called my house..... I can't wait to move!!!! 3 weeks and counting!!!

much love,

fi xoxoxo

Just got miss G's report card and my little one did really, really well!!!! She got 3 A's, 1 B and and 1 C. She also got an A for classroom behaviour..... Her teacher wrote "Excellent! G independently and consistenly co-operates within a group in the classroom and show's respect and consideration for others. G is a delightful student who is caring and is always willng to help others. She is an assest to the class and a pleasure to teach." I am so proud of my little girl. More for the fact that she is caring and willing to help others. I am so proud of you Miss G!!!! You've made my day so much brighter!!!

Three cheers for miss g!!!!

fi xoxo

I can't stop the tears. I want it all to stop now. This nausea and vomiting is really getting me down. I'm tired all the time and I am only just functioning. Time to admit that I'm just not coping. I should be, not like I haven't been pregnant before. I don't understand why this is happening. When pregnant with G I was fine. A little bit of morning sickness but then I was almost serene. This time, I find that I don't even have pride in my apperance. I no longer care. I feel like hell most of the time so might as well look like it. My house is a mess, my life is a mess. We are having a baby which let's face it we just can't afford. I have centrelink on my back all the time. Why haven't you done enough hours??? blah blah. We are just surviving now and I am really, really worried that we are just not going to be able to keep going. My stomach is killing me. Not where this baby sits but in my upper intestines. It has done for a while now. It keeps cramping then stops, cramping then stops. Today I just broke down. I suppose I had to. We all need to loose it once and while don't we?? I just want life to return to some sort of normality. I feel like such a cow... I mean all I'm doing is complaining about being ill when there are women out there that have recently lost a baby or can't conceive. I'm sure they would give anything to be in my position. I feel like such a pain in the ass. I can't even really look after G that well. I'm just getting through and it's not fair on her. She's my world but this morning sickness is starting to control everything I do or don't do. I want to be able to go out somewhere without having to look for the nearest toilet or just to be able to walk out of the house without the constant nasuea. I'll stop now... I've gone on enough. Sorry for still going on about this.

fi xoxo

My new found best friend MORNING SICKNESS likes me so much it's decided to hang on for dear life. More like suck as much life out of me as possible. It came back full force yesterday afternoon and has decided that my body is that lovely it's gonna stay around. Wow, aren't I the lucky one? I'm 12 weeks this Friday and I honestly thought and hoped that it would of at least eased off by now. Noooooooooooooooooo, guess this bub likes to remind me daily, hourly and evrey minute of the day that I am still pregant. The back pain is now starting to kick in. It's the same kind of pain I had with G and that also started up around the 3 month mark. It's more annoying that anything and usually the pain is pretty bearable. Doctors have always told me that my back ain't the best and pregnancy would cause it to ache that little bit more. Back pain I can deal with, walk in the park but this constant nausea and now the throwing up it's becoming almost unbearable. Somehow I managed to work today. Hmmmm, not quite sure how I did but another day down. Have to work again tomorrow... hmmm that should be interesting!

Shelley was picked up by her grandparents this arvo. I'm gonna miss that little girl, she is just lovely. She was very excited about seeing her Nanny and Pop. I'm more than happy and relieved to say that her grandparents are just lovely. Her Nanny broke down when she saw her and you could instantly tell how proud her Pop is of her. She was an absolute pleasure to have around. Miss g is missing her already. They became firm, fast friends while Shell was here. We will be staying in contact with her and her grandparents. I have said to them that anytime they want a break or Shell wants to come and visit is more than fine with me. The lady from DOCS was absolutely lovely and has been more than helpful. She could not stop thanking me for all I have done for Shell. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. She was such a quite little thing, very polite and just lovely. I know that she is going to be in safe hands with her grandparents. I more than hope that this little girl will go on to live a happy life full of love, laughter and kindness. I think her grandparents are just the one's to help her have that. They have organised counselling for her both as an individual and them as a family. As for her old school.... I let them have both barrels on Monday when I took Shell to school. How could they not notice what state she was in? Look I know that the teachers have really full classes to look after but how could you not notice a child that's uniform was filthy, her hair in basically dread locks from lack of washing and a child not having lunch? Her teacher was a little gobsmacked when faced with me! She had no answers at all. Then it was onto the principal. She wasn't much good either. She sat infront of me basically trying to absolve the school of any responsability. I was livid to say the least. Believe me, I let her know in no uncertain terms just exactly what I thought!!!!! DOCS are going to be investigating the school along with the education board. Surely someone must of noticed something???? As for her so called mother..... she has been arrested and is facing quite a substantial list of charges. I can't remember them all but I know top of the list is neglect. Her landlord has been contacted and she now has no where to call home. She also has to come up with the money to clean the place up. It's not going to be cheap that's for sure. I really feel for the landlord, it's going to take alot of time and money to clean that place up. She is not allowed any contact with Shell at all. All she knows is that she has been placed into care with family members. Maybe there is a little justice in the world after all. She needs to pay for what she has done to such a beautiful girl. However, I also hope that she can get the help she needs to overcome this addiciton of hers. For the moment though she is where she deserves to be and Shell is in an environment that will help her to thrive. As I said, I'm gonna miss that little tike but I know that she is now on a road to a better life. I'll be here if she ever needs me. There were a few tears when she left this arvo, alot of hugs and kisses and then more tears. Yep, I'm one big sook. She has promised to write to me and send me lots of drawings....... All the best my little mate!!!

As for the other parts of my life..... man this is gonna be one long blog.... really sorry. I have been lucky enough to be able to speak to Jd pretty much every day. They haven't been catching much at all which in turn means not alot of money for us. I've been trying so hard to keep his spirits up. To say that he has been a little down would be an understatement. The two guys that he is working with are basically childish adults. They hardly speak to him and when they do they don't listen to what he has to say. The other deckhand has taken it upon himself to make Jd look like he's doing no work at all!!! Apparently last night while the skipper was sleeping this other bloke actually got one of the boxes that Jd had filled by himself, empty it and throw it over board!!!! WTF is this guy doing??? The reason he did it.... all because jd had packed more than him and actually caught more than him. This other bloke didn't want to be shown up. The man is 40 for pete's sake GROW UP!!! Jd is desperate to come home but to get him home from where they are it will cost around $800!! We need every cent we can hold onto at the moment. Also, because they haven't been catching much, his next pay check is going to be pretty small so we couldn't even use that money to get him home. It is so hard to hear him so bloody miserable. I know he's a grown man and all but doesn't stop me from wanting to go up there and rip into the other two blokes on board!!! I am thankful that we have been able to speak to each other. At the moment he needs to speak to me and I guess in some ways I need to speak to him to. While I do miss him I am kinda glad that he's not here while I am so sick. It just wouldn't be fair on him. For the moment he's still out there but who knows... he may just show up on more doorstep at any moment.

My parents are selling up and moving 2000 km's away  back to Adelaide. The shop they have here is making no money and hasn't done for a while. There is a really long story to it all but basically managment (it's a franchise) have decided that they just want to take the shop. That would leave my parents in around $600,000 debt. There are lawyers involved now and ours is saying that they can't just waltz in and take it. They have to buy it from them. It's going to be one hell of a fight. My parents and 65 and 63. This was meant to be their retirement dream. Instead they could be left with absolutley nothing. I am furious at the whole thing. Mum hasn't been happy here for a long time though and is really looking forward to going back to Adelaide. Mum and I speak at least once a day and cos I work for them I see her pretty much all the time. I am going to be a little lost without my Mum. I really am going to miss her......... I know I'm nearly 30 and still need my Mum lol. Guess I always am gonna need her.....

So that's life in a nutshell. Sorry to bore you all with the details.... just had to get alot of this out of my head.

much love to all,

fi xoxo

Right, now I can finally blog what I was going to blog yesterday.......

Day was pretty normal. Went to work, picked G up from Mum's, stopped at the supermarket.... more boring stuff. Came home and was buggered. Spoke to my bestie and that was it, needed a long hot shower. The temp was dropping fast at this point and needed some heat lol. Had been in the shower for about 5 minutes when I heard a knock on the door. My mind said answer it but my body was not willing. So I stayed in the shower and thought bugger it, it was probably just some door knocker anyway! Finally dragged myself out the shower, believe me, I did not want to get out of there at all! Anyway, walking through to my bedroom I noticed a shadow on my front porch. There was someone sat on the chair out there! Right, quickly chucked some clothes on, ran to the front door and found a little girl sat on the chair. Her name is Shelley and I knew her Mum when she worked at one of the restaraunts down the road from where I work. I looked for her Mum's car but there was no sign of her anywhere. So I got Shelley inside, my mind was racing at this stage. Where's her Mum? What the hell is going on? How did she get here? The poor little thing was freezing. She only had a t shirt and a pair of shorts on and no shoes or socks. She had her back pack with her and to my suprise out popped their cat. Right, something is definintely wrong here. So I sat Shelley down with some food and asked her how she got here, where's her Mum and why is she here. Answer no 1 "I caught the bus"... ok Shelley lives about at 20 minute car drive from here which is around at 40 minute bus ride.... she's 7!!!!! 2nd answer "mum went out this morning and she hasn't come back". Right, starting to panic now! 3rd answer "I didn't know where else to go". I was shocked and really starting to panic.... popped shelley into a nice warm shower and started making frantic phone calls to everyone that knows her Mum. I left messages everywhere, rang her mobile over and over again. Got no where fast. Was just about to call the police when my phone rang. Thank god I thought it was her Mum. Wrong, it was a friend of mine that works at the local RSL. Shelley's so called mother had been there since around 10:00 a.m playing the pokies. Apparently this has been going on for the last week or so. She's been in there day and night. Panic quicly turned into anger, frustration and a whole lot of rage. Rang Mum and got her to come and watch the kids.... I was off to the RSL. Very suprised they let me in with the way I looked. Must of been the look in my eye..... found her Mother and it was on. I was yelling at this woman, I told her what has happened. Her reaction " you can keep her (shelley)". I was livid! Back home I go. Thanked Mum and sent her on her way. Stood there for a moment looking at two kids and thought what the hell am I going to do? Shelley asked if she could play in G's room and I said of course so off she went. I found some food for the cat who was hiding under my bed. Did a quick blog on minti and then started cooking tea. This girl is so lovely and so quiet. Apparently her Mum doesn't like a lot of noise so she knows to be quiet. Shit, what the hell has been going on? Her mum lost her job a month or so ago and that's when this all started. I said to Shelley that I was going back to her house tomorrow to get some things and look for her grandparents phone number (they live in Brisbane, 2 hours away). Got mum to come and watch the kids again first thing and off I went. Oh, it was a really long night... had a very scared 7 year old jump into bed with me cos she thought I was going to leave like her Mum. That in turn woke up g who also jumped into bed with us!!! not much sleep for me. Went to Shelley's house this morning and found a window to climb through. The house is a mess. There was little to no food, the bathroom was filthy and she obviously has not done any washing for the last month. I have no idea how long this kid has been living like this. She has been going to school and eating what she could make. SHE'S 7!!! So I packed up what I could find that she could use and wear. Grabbed her school stuff and some of her toys. Her mother was no where to be seen. Searched and searched for her parents number and finally found it. Went to ring them from there but no phone!!!!!!!! Packed up the car and drove home in tears. How could her mother do this? Thanked mum again and sent her home. It's quite a lovely day here today so I sent G outside on the trampoline to burn off some energy. Shelley just stood by the door. Apparently she's not allowed to play outside. OMG!!!! So with a little encouragement from yours truly she is now jumping with the best of em!!! Me, I'm doing loads and loads of washing, cleaning up and then it's time for mad dash to the supermarket for more food! Got hold of her parents. Her mother just cried and cried. They have no car at the moment so I've organised to take her down to Brissy later in the week. A couple of friends of mine are going to help me while she's here. So she's off on a play date this arvo but she's with us for the next little while. I'm still in shock. Anything could of happened to her on the bus and it's a really long walk to my house from the bus stop. Why didn't the bus driver question a 7 year old getting on a bus by herself?????? Well, at least she has her appetite back and by the end of the day some clean clothes of her own to wear. G is a little bit bigger than her so at the moment she does look quite funny hehe. Me, I'm going to deal with her Mother tomorrow when the kids are at school. I'll be speaking to Shelley's school as well and her parents are contacting DOCS. So I better get my 3rd load of washing out and wack the fourth in!

life is certainly never dull or boring around here....... although some days I wish it was! At least I know that Shelley is safe here. She will be fine for the moment but who knows what the future holds

fi xoxoxo

Been a busy cople of days around here........ I am knackered lol!!!

YAY WOOHOO..... Thursday was miss g's school athletics carnival. I couldn't go as I had to work (2nd year in a row that I've missed it bugger!!!) but sent mum and dad along. Miss G had a great time. They did everything from High Jump, Long Jump, Running races, sack races etc. Miss G has never won a ribbon before..... YAY WOOHOO SHE CAME SECOND!!! I am so proud of her. Mum said she tried her little heart out on the day. Really disappointed I wasn't there to see her run. When I went to pick her up from school she was in tears... she had lost her ribbon. Her teacher organised with the P.E teacher to replace the ribbon. I pinned it to her chest and she was so proud. Big hugs were had. The ribbon is now proudly stuck to her bedroom door! Well done to my little girl......... Then it was off shopping for the disco....

Friday was the "glitter and glam" disco for Miss g. Her very first disco. So we came home from school and then it was on. Shower had to be had, new outfit put on (very funky indeed!!), hair done and a little bit of mum's makeup of course! Then it was off to the disco. She looked so grown up..... my little girl is growing up !!! She didn't want me to stay so I helped her find some of her friends and then off I went. It was sooooo quite at home without her. Don't realise how much I miss her till she's not here. Time came for me to go and pick her up..... there she was waiting at the front for me. I asked her if she wanted to go for one more dance and she said no I want to go home...... ohoh I thought but no she had a great time. The only thing is she said " it wasn't the same without you mum" YAY my little girl needs me still!

Well time for me to attempt to cook some tea.... this may take me a while. 4 days of working and it feels like I've had the life sucked out of me..... man, 4 days was nothing, could do it standing on my head. Now I feel like I've had the life sucked out of me... probably cos something is lol!

much love to all,

fi and the very athletic miss g xoxxoxoxo

to one of dearest friends.... I'm numb and don't know what to say. Lexi (G's middle name is Alexis) and I have been mates for nearly 10 years now. We met when I moved to Brissy from Adelaide. We worked together and hit it off instantly. We were inseperable... we went out together, we laughed, we cried, we picked each other up when the other one fell down. Lexi is amazing... she's beautiful, hilarious, strong and so full of life. She was always the life of the party, the last one up after a night out but the first one when with a hangover cure. She was there when I gave birth... well, she passed out from the sight of all the blood but she was still there. Lexi was there when I had to pack everything up and move back to Adelaide after having G. She never lost contact with me. When I moved back to Queensland she was the first one to come and find me. She always takes the time to ring me or come and see me (we live 2 hours apart). She has the quickest smile, the best laugh and a soul that is so warm.......... I think you get the idea that she is one of the people I hold dear.

The phone rang, I answered and there was silence. I said "hello??"... a really small voice came through from the other end of the line... "hiya fi". I knew it was Lexi but I knew instantly something was up. There was no laughter, no joy, almost like there was no life. "Lex, what's going on?"..... "I'm in hospital sweetcheeks..." "What's happened? Are you alright?".... (Tears, lots of tears) "I've got cancer".... the words just hung in the air... I didn't know what to say for a couple of moments. I asked her what type, what's the story...... She has Ovarian Cancer. Lexi is 32. She had been feeling a little off for a couple of weeks and had some pressure in her pelvic region. She thought it was a Urinary Tract Infection so she went to her doc. They ran some tests, she got the phone call to go and see her doc. He told her that they need to do a pap smear but not to be to worried, it could be anything. Lexi went off to the gyno had the tests done and then had to wait 2 long days. She was then told by her gyno that the test were showing cancer. My beautiful friend has cancer. She went to see the specialist, had a battery of tests....... it's not good at all. She is now getting prepared for an operation, she needs to have a hysterctomy... she has no kids. The cancer has creeped into some of lymphnodes..... she has to go through chemo..... she will loose her beautiful blonde hair. My friend, my rock needs me and me she will have. I don't care if I have to keep pulling over to throw up, I will drive the 2 hours to her. She's scared, she's angry, she's a mess... she's my friend. Dear god she's only 32, two years older than me. I will be there for her as soon as I can. I told her we can throw up together, we can cry together and we can perv on any hot doctor's that we may find. She wanted me to tell all the people I can to get yourself checked if you think something's up. Don't let it go, don't sweep it under the rug. Trust your instincts and get to the doc. The doc's are saying she pretty much has a 50/50 chance of pulling through this....... I know Lexi.. she's a fighter and when she wants to give up I'll be there to pull her back up again. So to anyone out there that thinks that there maybe something up healthwise, get to the doctor and get it checked out.... it may just save your life.

Thinking of you my friend, loving you from here and together we will fight this!

love to all,

fi xoxo

G's school is taking part in the "Shoebox of Love" for the kids in East Timor. For those who may not of heard of this, the kids get an old shoebox and decorate it any bright paper of some kind, stickers etc. Inside the box we were asked to put things that the East Timorese kids could use for school. Pens, pencils, exercise books etc plus a small toy. G was so excited about it all. Bless her!!  I was explaining to her that these kids don't have the things that we do and this is why we are doing it to help them out. I was greeted with a response of "I know Mum, they're poor!". Well that's one way of putting it. So on the weekend, I sat on the floor in the lounge room, pretty dam crook, cutting out all these stars for her to stick all over the box!!! We then packed it up and she went searching for a toy to put in there. She came back with one of her most prized possessions, a little soft horse. I double checked that she wanted to put that one in and the response "Mum, these kids are poor!!!". Thanks for the reminder lol! She proudly took her shoebox into school Monday where they had a whole school assembly to collect all the boxes. The local tv stations showed up and last night I had one very proud 8 year old sat on the floor waiting to see her school on the news. She jumped up when they appeared on t.v and yelled out "it's my school, it's my school!!!". I think the whole neighbourhood were suddenly wide awake! She searched and searched to see if she could see herself or her shoebox. I could see the disappointment coming over her face as it was becoming apparent that she wasn't going to be on there. Right at the end of the news story I yelled out " I see your shoebox hunni, I can see it!!!" She was clapping and and jumping up and down on the spot. The truth is, I didn't see it but I got the chance to make her feel really specail for a moment. She is so proud of the fact that she did the shoebox and she said to me last night " The kid that get's my shoebox will be so happy. They can now write stuff down and show their mum and dad!'. I am one very proud Mum at the moment.

Now for the x ray vision.... I have always thought that Miss G was... well "unique"! Anyway on Saturday she was mucking around saying "Mum, I can see your brain... I have x ray vision!!". " Oh aren't you lucky then" was my response.... "Yes Mum, I have x ray vision cos I'm an Aries!".... Ok bet none of you knew that one! Come to think of it, I bet people that have studied Astrology for years didn't even know that one! So if you're an Aries or you know one, look out!!! Aries have x ray vision rofl!

As for me, I'm ok. Still got the morning sickness and to be honest, still a little messed up. I haven't been able to speak to Jd for a few days which didn't help. However, yesterday I got the phonecall. YAYAYAYAAY!!!! To hear his voice set the tears flowing thick and fast. It's a double edged sword for me. I love being able to speak to him but it makes me want him home more. He really is struggling with this trip. I've told him just to come home. We'll figure something out but he's the kind of person that when he starts something he's gotta finish it. Time is really dragging this time. Probably because we both want him here desperately. There's only one way to describe this whole thing and I'll use jd's description "This is all bull shit!" Couldn't of said it better myself.

love to all,

fi xoxox

Right, some people are not going to like what I have to say, some may not understand but it's time for to be honest.

Everyone else seems to be thrilled that I'm pregnant, except me. I am far from happy at the moment. I know, I know hormones and all that but this is really getting me down. What kind of person am I??? I am already resenting this unborn child.. I am a totally shit person is what I am. Everyone is so excited about it and I can't even muster a smile about the whole thing. I hate this whole situation... I hardly eat, when I do I just feel worse but somehow I am putting on wieght left, right and centre, I am constantly tired... well beyond tired really, I have to fight just to leave the house, I feel useless, stupid etc. Now this is what people may not like........ I was finally getting a little bit of freedom back after having G. For the last 8 years I have parented on my own. I've hardly gone out anywhere, I've worked my ass off just to support us, I gave up on a career that was promising to be a parent first.... I was finally getting to a point where I could look at getting back into my chosen field but now with this on the way I can't. I know I sound selfish but it was finally coming to a point where I could finally do something for me. Something I've been waiting for but now my life is about to be put on hold again for something I don't even know if I want. I'm overwhelmed with the most basic tasks... I feel so bloody stupid and really I don't like myself at all. In one way I am very glad Jd is not here. At least I don't have to put on a brave face and pretend to be happy when I'm not. He's going through an emotional rollercoaster at the moment and just wouldn't cope with this. He's excited about being a Dad and it would break his heart to know that I am already like this. When I was pregnant with G I was glowing, happy etc.. this time I'm fat, cry a lot, I hate everything about this pregnancy.....

I know this is really harsh and I may loose some friends over this but this is what's going on.... I will apologise to anyone that I have offended with this. I ask you not pass judgement on me... I'm stuggling enough with this one. I have said this to no one. This is something that I have kept to myself until now.

fi xoxo

Ok so it might not just be morning sickness after all...... I think that I've picked up the good ol gastro bug that's doing the rounds again GREAT!!! I've been to the loo bout 4 times in the last 20 minutes and the stomach cramps I have are amazing. Don't know if it is the gastro but figure if I'm still like this tomorrow then off to the doc for me. Not that they are going to be able to do anything but just to find out if it is. It really does feel like someone has punched me in my upper intestines OUCH!!! One of the girls I work with had gastro two days ago..... or it could be one of the customers that I have served over the last couple of days. It just hit me out of nowhere!!! Had to pick up G early from school as I couldn't wait around... had to run for the loo while I was there as it was!!!! Just hoping that if it is gastro that little miss g doesn't get it. She's got a birthday party to go tomorrow and her very first disco next week at school.... she's really looking forward to them both. Times like this I wish jd was here... just for a little bit of help. I have this policy that I don't like anyone near me when I'm crook especially my parents. I don' t want to pass this onto anyone so the next 24 hours are going to be interesting that's for sure.... feel as though the loo and I are going to be the bestest of buddies AGAIN GRRRRRRR!!!!

fi xoxo

The morning sickness that is... today I couldn't even keep fluid down in the morning and have barely been able to drink all day. I am at my wits end with this. I'm hungry but can't eat.... I am now getting to a point of being too scared to eat or drink. I'm not really sleeping cos of the nausea, I'm tired all the time, grumpy other times and I suppose just plain exhausted. At least G has been a little bit nicer over the last couple of days. This is never going to end..... it feels like I'm being punished. I was just struggling along before but now I'm barely even moving.

ARRGGHHHHHH I've had enough.

fi xoxo

Well I'm doing ok now. Miss Jd terribly but feeling better than yesterday. It's always such a shock to the system when he leaves but I seem to settle down a little quicker now. Although it appears that I am no longer going to have to get used to this... more about that later...

While Jd was back we had a slight scare. I started bleeding. It wasn't alot but enough for a trip to hospital. We dropped G off at Mum's to stay over night. It's the first time in 8 years that they have ever taken her over night!! I am grateful that they did. We got to the hospital and walked into a rather full waiting room. Great!! I went to the desk and told them that I am 10 weeks pregnant and bleeding. The lady was lovely, gave me the forms to fill out and said to me that they would get someone to see me as soon as they can. It wasn't too long to wait. About an hour all up which isn't bad considering Noosa's hospital is pretty small. The triage nurse was a legend but said to me if this is a miscarriage then there is nothing that they can do. The best thing I could do was to go home and lay down, not move, keep an eye on the bleeding and see my doc in the morning. It was one long night believe me. A lot of tears and a lot of nerves. I really did think that I was going to loose bun. The bleeding had stopped by the morning but I still had some cramps so off to the doc's. He was great and said to me that light bleeding is not that uncommon in the first 3 months. He told me to take it really easy over the next few days and if there was any problems at all to go straight back to them or the hospital. Everything is alright now and just waiting for the next scan. I'm still fighting the morning sickness. It's not as bad as it was but it's still with me. Nothing like constant nausea to let you know your living!!!

I've spoken to jd quite a bit since he left! All he could say for a little bit was how lost he felt without me there. He was in tears. I absolutely hate hearing him like that. He just does not want to be there. Anyway, I spoke to him for a bit last night and the man has been doing some thinking. He's decided to stop fishing. He does not want to do it anymore. He wants to go back and finish his aquaculture course and stay home. OMG!!!! I nearly fell off the chair. This is something that he had to realise on his own. No amount of talking from me would have done it. I am so proud of him. He is finally going to do something that his passionate about it and something that is going to fufill him. He also has recognised that he needs some help with dealing with some stuff from his past. It's going to be a tough road to go down and he is fully aware of it but he will have me right by his side every step of the way. Jd deserves someone that will support him for a change and not put him down. I look at it like we all mistakes (God knows I've made a stack of em) and we shouldn't be judged by them. Nobody's perfect. Money will be tight for a while but I know that this has to be done. We will get through somehow. That is one thing I'll make sure of. Jd needs some time and I've got more than enough to give him. To me it takes a brave soul to do what he is about to do.... I am one pretty lucky woman. It's going to be interesting to watch him grow as a person and really start living a life that he himself will be proud of. Now the countdown till he's home won't officially start until they start fishing. The boat leaves Cairns this arvo and they are going to see if they can find a spot somewhere along the coast. If they can't, then it's back to the Torres Strait Islands. The moment they start catching is the moment I start counting. At least he is starting to sound a little more confident about his decisions and more confident about himself.

All I need now is my nice daughter to return. She has been impossible!!! OMG! Where has my sweetheart gone. Talk about defiant, back chatting and sometimes just down right rude. I miss my little helper girl. Now it's just a battle to get her out of bed. Then again, everything with her is a bloody battle at the moment. She is fighting me every step of the way grrrrrrrrr. Guess she's just growing up. We used to go through phases like this but never this bad. So it's time for me to put my foot down even further and regin this terror in. Somewhere in that little body is my daughter.... just don't know where she's gone for the moment.

Hope all is well with you all,

much love,

fi, miss g, jd and bun xoxox

he's gone. Yep, back to just me, g and bun. This time it hurts. Besides the noise of me tapping on the keyboard there is nothing.... except for a ticking clock.... I'm really starting to hate that clock. It's forever counting down.... counting down the last few precious minutes together, the long road till he's home again. This time we were both in tears, this time is no different from the others except for one thing.... bun. The smell of his aftershave still lingers, the warmth of his body still fills the bed. The feeling of loosing a part of myself is ever present. There was one long lasting hug, a kiss so warm and tender, "I love you, take care" and then in the blink of an eye, he was gone............... 6 weeks to go till we are all complete again. 6 weeks until the man that has changed my perception on life returns...... 6 weeks, it doesn't sound like much but it feels like a lifetime.

fi xoxo