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3 days into my 6 day stretch at work and 3 more to go..... I AM BUGGERED!!!! The worst is yet to come.... Saturday I have to work with a 15 and 16 year old that really don't want to do any work. Don't you worry, I get up 'em and get them moving but it requires so much more energy..... something I am seriously lacking. I end up having to work like I'm two people just for things to run at all!!! My legs are sore, my feet are killing me....... Why am I doing this??? Well this is the kinda thing that happens when you work for the family. We are really short staffed and we have been looking for more people but around here people really don't want to work. They want the lifestyle but they really don't want to work for it. So at the moment there really is not a lot of options as to who works. I've done 14 day stints before but I wasn't pregnant at the time. Yesterday was a rough one... not sure if it was just bad morning sickness or a touch of gastro but I got through the day. I really don't think I can pull another 6 day week next week..... this ol' girl she aint what she used to be thats for sure!
11 days.... OMG HURRY UP LOL!!! Yep, not the most patient person in the world. I at least got to speak to him briefly today. There is just something about hearing his voice..... although at the moment it makes me cry! Then again, anything makes me cry at the moment! Miss g has alot planned for him when he gets home. I've explained to her that he'll be really tired and need to rest for a couple of days.... well when your 8 rest is not an option apparently. I've warned jd about it all. He went silent and then laughed... little does he know.
Well, that's it I suppose. I'm still waiting for him to come home, waiting for g's dinner to cook, waiting to move, waiting for my next scan, waiting to lay on the couch...... wow, I do ALOT of waiting!!!
love to all,
fi, miss g, jd and worm xoxox |
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12 DAYS IS WHAT YOU GET AND HE'LL BE HOME OMG!!!!!!!! I got a txt at 3:30 this morning and this is what it said "Hi Hun. On the mother ship in 6 days and then 6 days trip. Home in 13 days. Out of here xx". OMG... I had to re read it through my blurry eyes. That was it, a phone call had to be made!!! At 3:30 a.m I layed there all curled up in my snuggy warm bed listening to the best news I've had in a very long time. The skipper has another deckhand on the way up aboard the mothership which arrives there next Monday. Then jd boards the mothership for the trip back to Cairns. Then it's a very short 2 1/2 plane ride to Brissy where I will be hopefully waiting with a whole heap of tears and one very big hug!!! HE'S ON HIS WAY HOME IN UNDER 2 WEEKS!!!!! I could here the relief in his voice when he was telling me all about it and he could here the tears flowing my end lol!!!! He had to get back to work so we said our goodbyes and I stuck my head in the pillow and pretty much squeled with delight..... I am such a big kid lol!! There was no way I could get back to sleep after that news!!!! My big fury man is coming home...... thank you god!!! When miss g got up up this morning I told her the news.... more screams of delight with a lot of jumping up and down (her not me lol). So this morning there is one very excited 8 year old and one 29 year old that is the happiest she's been a long time...... just imagine what we're going to be like when he actually comes home ROFL!!!! love to all,
fi, miss g, jd and worm xoxoxoxxo
P.S HE'S COMING HOME IN 12 DAYS YAYAAYAYAAYAYAAYAYAYAAYAYAAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAY AND YAY! |
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No matter what, jd will be home in 21 days.... well the trip ends in 21 days and he'll probably have to stay in Cairns for a couple of days and then HE'LL BE HOME WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!! 21 days until I can finally have that long awaited and much needed hug, 21 days until I can finally see him, 21 days until I can cuddle up to him and NOT LET GO!!!!, 21 days until we are FINALLY together........ I CAN'T WAIT!!!! I have missed (and still missing him) him terribly and not being able to help him when he needed me has driven me insane!!!
He rang me this morning but the stoopid phone decided that it wanted to cut out after about 5 seconds GRRRRRRRR!!! It was such a god send to hear his voice, even if it was all broken up lol!!! When I got to work he got a chance to hook his phone up to the aeirel and we got to speak to each other  !!!!! OMG it was fantastic just to be able to hear him, know that he's ok and to hear him laugh..... oh I how miss that laugh..... I MISS IT ALL!!!!! So the next full moon he'll be home. They don't go out prawning when the moon is full. The prawns go into hiding and don't like to run when the moon's on!!! Never thought I'd be living my life by the moon lol..... I have no idea when we'll be able to speak to each other again. They are still out of phone range at the moment and he can't plug his phone into the aierel until the skipper is asleep. He sounds so tired and almost broken..... me being the big sook that I am burst out into tears when I first heard his voice lol. It was tears of relief, joy mixed with a little sadness. He laughed at my tears!!! I don't care, he laughed!!!! It was 15 minutes of pure heaven for me  . I have a secret hope/wish/dream.... I want to be there at the airport to meet him when he comes home. I'm not going to tell him that I'll be there. I was going to tell him that I've booked the shuttle bus again for him.... I want it to be a complete and total surprise!!! I am hoping with all my heart that the morning sickness has gone by then so I can do the 1 1/2 drive there and the 1 1/2 drive back........ God know's I will cry the moment I see him..... Just to see his face when he sees me standing there would be priceless. Fingers crossed that I can make it there!!!!
love to all,
fi, miss g, jd and worm (who is now 16 weeks!!) |
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Well a very nice suprise was awaiting me when I picked miss g up from school.... she received a "BONZA AWARD" at her school assembly for "always trying her best", "being a good friend" and "perfect manners"!!!!! WELL DONE MISS G!!!! So I guess you can say I am one very proud Mum at the moment (again lol). She won't give up the certificate to stick up and it's going with her everywhere at the moment haha. She has only ever received one other award from school so this one is very special to her (and to me too). She is proud as punch and so am I!!!! Just sorry I wasn't there to see her get up in front of everyone.... I forgot that it was school assembly this arvo.... believe me, I have more than made up for it now!!!
After not being able to get to sleep last night I finally decided to hit the sack at about 1:00 a.m to at least try..... I was just drifting off to sleep at about 2:00 when my mobile went..... A TXT FROM JD!!!! Thank you god!!!! He's fine and they are out of phone range at the moment....... I was sooooo relieved. I crashed after I got that message......zzzzzzzzzzzzzz hehe!! I am hoping to be able to speak to him in the couple of days. A txt is one thing but to be able to hear his voice is something else!!! Fingers are still tightly crossed that he is ok out there......
So all in all, I am one very proud and relieved woman today....... YAY FOR MISS G YOU'RE A STAR!!!!!
love to all,
fi xoxo |
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Haven't heard from jd for 24 hours..... the first 24 are always the hardest. God knows how many times I've checked my phone today...... far too many to count! This is the hardest part of him being away. It's amazing how a simple txt can make all the fears disappear........ I'm hanging on for that txt!
Some of you may of seen on the news that a deckhand went missing off a trawler. I saw the report this morning and at first they didn't say where.... my heart stopped. I sat on the edge of the couch literally waiting for the next news report. My whole body was tense and my heart... well I'm not sure how fast it was beating if at all. Luckily for me it happened here on the Sunshine Coast. I cried with relief, then I cried for the man's family. The weather here has been shocking and the sea's have been really rough. Maybe people will realise now that the men out there are risking their lives to catch the seafood that a lot of us love. Maybe people will realise that it's not easy for the loved ones on land have a tense time waiting for their safe return. I know for me, I have a lot of respect for the guys that are out there fishing.....
Now it's back to waiting and hoping for the txt. The weather hasn't been to flash up north either..... they're probably just out of phone range for the time being.... still this kind of waiting is really, really tough....... gonna be a long night tonight!!!
fi xoxo |
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Well it's been a busy few days around here.... the migraine that flattened me has nearly gone. Still got some really lovely stabbing pains in my head but at least it's not constant anymore YAY there is a god. Did work out that the migraine was being caused by my back.... must of have some nerve thing going on. All I know is that if I rubbed my neck, the parts of my back I could reach and my shoulders then the pain would ease right off. Oh how nice would a massage be right now..... hey a girl can dream can't she???? The funniest thing that has happened to my physically is....... I have a permantely (sp?) erect nipple ROFL!!! No matter what I do it just won't go down. Oh and it's really, really itchy haha!!! I have come up with some really sneaky and creative way's to scratch when I'm at work.... girls gotta keep some level of dignity lol!!!
Work... man it was a struggle on Monday with the whole migraine thing but I did it. Found that putting ice cold things on my forehead eased the pain... luckily we have a lot of frozen things at work!! Oh, and I quite happily went into the walk in freezer. Nothing like -24 degrees to cure a migraine haha!! I struggled but managed to get through the two days. What did get me though..... the amount of people that love to say "oh, you don't even look pregnant" or " are you sure your that far along?". OMG!!! Oh, and the good old tummy rub! Maybe I'm just over sensitive at the moment but it just feels like such a violation of my personal space. I am sick of saying to people that I didn't even show with G until about 6 months. They all look at me like I'm mad!!! Alright, to me I'm showing. I see my stomach every morning in the shower and I swear it's grown over night! The one person that will be able to see the difference will be jd. The last time he saw me I was only about 9 weeks pregnant. Just have to wait and see what he says!!
Had miss g's parent/teacher interview today and it's safe to say she is her mother's daughter!!! She is doing really great at school and her teacher says that she is an absolute treasure in the classroom. She is reading at 9/10 year old level, spelling at a grade 5 level, her writing is really great and her maths.... well this where she's exactly like me!!! She is struggling and at school I hated Maths. Much rather have my head stuck in a great novel then doing Maths and it appears my little one is the same. Her teacher is not to concerned as she is trying, she is just lacking in confidence. All in all, I am one really proud Mum.... she is my little angel and she is trying her little heart out. Can't ask for more than that!!!!
Jd.... well where to start really. We've started to sort things out but it's really hard when he's so far away. We will once he gets home and he knows now what I've been dealing with. He is really, really struggling at the moment and to be honest, I am more than worried about him. I'm doing my best to keep him going but again, it is really difficult when he's so far away. I had him in tears on the phone today and my heart was breaking. I felt helpless, angry, and really frustrated!! I am someone that loves to help people and this is one situation where I feel so helpless. I received a txt from him about 6:00 this morning. He had been awake for 24 hours after only 4 hours sleep!! I was suddenly furious. He was the only one awake for 24 hours while the other 2 slept. OMG, he is a human being!! The anger stayed with me for most of the morning. I ended up ringing Mum. She had to do some fast talking to stop me from getting on a plane, going up there, finding him and bringing him home. Believe me, I nearly did!!! It's almost inhumane what this guy is going through. At the moment he's talking about getting aboard the Mother ship and coming home. I think it's a fantastic idea. He is in a really dark place right now and if he's home he can at least get some help. This is one of the hardest aspects of this whole thing. It kills me to hear him like this. He's worried about himself. He said to me that he just can't pull himself out of this funk. The only way he can do it is through anger and aggression. Not a good sign at all. All I can do for the moment is send him loads of txt's and speak to him whenever I can. I've got my fingers crossed that he does get on the Mother ship. It will take a week for him to get to Cairns but at least he'll be away from the other two and on his way home. There's not much else I can do and it sucks. He does sometime struggle when he's out there but nothing like this. I would love to be able to reach out and hug him right now. Jd knows that he can get hold of me anytime and now it's more important than ever. Just hope some luck comes our way and he's able to come home in the next week or two. No matter what's going on between us, it doesn't mean that I stop caring and not wanting to help. I just hope and pray that he can hang on....... that's about all I can do.
Sending lots of love to all,
fi xoxo |
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My morning sickness is getting worse??????? How can that be??? OMG I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!! I have had this constant headache for the last 3 days... almost like a migraine but not quite..... it's driving me insane. Got to start the the day wonderfully by dry wretching..... it was great!!! There was nothing to come up but oh no my stomach insisted that there was so I had to assume the position over the bathroom sink until something came up!!! I really don't know what else there is for me to do. I've tried taking some panadol but nope, didn't work. I want to feel normal again and really thought the worse was behind me but nooooooo looks like the worse is in front of me. My stomach keeps burbling and churning.. apparently it's not liking the apple that took me over an hour to eat!!! I just can't win it seems. G has been great but I can tell that she's starting to get sick of the whole thing. Somehow I'm meant to work the next three days.... should be interesting considering I have a whole lot of trouble getting off the couch without my head wanting to explode GRRRRRRRRR  . I am more than frustrated with it all. Don't quite know who said that morning sickness ends at 3 months.... must of been a man!!!!!
On the jd front well........ we've had a chat and for the moment things are kinda alright. He is going back out fishing today. Tried to get him a flight home but there are none till Wednesday GRRRRRR!!!!! Thursday Island ain't a cheap place to stay so it's back out fishing again. He has spoken to the skippers wife who by the sounds of things pretty much runs the business. He has told her in no uncertain terms that he does not want to be there and wants off a.s.a.p. She said she would advertise for another deckhand. So I will be keeping a tight eye on the net and see if she actually does. If by some sheer luck she does do it and they get someone then he'll be home 2 weeks Monday. If not then we won't see him for at least another 28 days. There's got to be some luck left in the world surely...........
So all in all I am a tired, worn out, grumpy pregnant woman with the constant urge to throw up and not a dam thing I can do about!!! Oh and who can forget the killer headache that has invaded my head!!!! ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!
fi xoxox |
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This is more than likely going to be one confusing blog....... Sorry but there are so many thoughts running around my head at the moment....
I've got a decision to make..... it's a tough one that I only can make. I've got to decide whether or not I can do this relationship with jd or not. It really and honestly is starting to appear that I am better off on my own. I mean, I spend most of the time on my own so really it wouldn't be a massive change. I am tired of the waiting, the constant bloody waiting. Life just gets put on hold and I'm more than beyond it now. I am tired of life revolving around someone else needs and wants.... I seemed to have forgotten to look after mine. I already have someone who's needs and wants are put well above my own but that's different, she is my child. Of course her needs and wants are paramount, she's a child. When it comes to jd's needs and wants, I think I've done more than enough in ensuring that they are met. Well, to the best of my ability considering the finacial, emotional etc siutation. What about mine??? I've never considered myself a selfish person so maybe I am just being selfish. I've got that saying going around my head, the one that makes me out to be a whinging, whining baby, "What about me?". It really does feel like I've been forgotten about in all of this. Like I'm just expected to do what is required to make sure he can do what he wants and have no problems with it. He always has the freedom to go and do what he wants....I don't believe in tying anyone down. I consider myself quite supportive of people and their dreams for the future..... It feels like I don't have anyone supporting what I want for the future. It's just me, myself and g of course!!! Yes, I am an independant person, I've always kinda prided myself on that. Right now however, I feel like my life is being run by someone else and what they want. Yes, he's out there doing this for the money, I know that but where's the money intended to go?? The boat he's doing up, not our future. Where does my small wage go?? On everything... Rent, bills, food, petrol, clothes etc.... It's really not balanced at all. I'm the one keeping the roof over our heads, food on the table etc... where's the little bit of help for me?? I juggle everything. The bills, the rent, the housework, raising a child, working..... the whole lot. So where is jd in all of this? On thursday island, staying in a hotel that is costing $180 a night, eating whatever he feels like, drinking as much as he wants. What are we having for dinner??? Fish fingers and chips..... as I haven't been working that much, money for food is really tight. Please don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the food we do have, it's something in our belly's. Where are we staying?? In a mould infested house that is costing me $320 a week... we run out of hot water unless g and I shower together in the morning, there is no drainage under the house so water just sits there hence the mould that is over absolutely everything, this house smells no matter how much I clean it..... this place was only ever meant to be a stop gap. G and I moved here as the place we were in was sold and there was nothing else available in the area we needed. I had always intended moving as soon as the lease was up... that was months ago and we are still here. Why?? A lot of reasons.... every trip he has done was meant to be "the last one", the amount of stuff we now have would be impossible for me to move on my own, I could get a removalist but I don;t have the money for that, the rent's in this area have gone through the roof so even if I could find somewhere local I could not afford the rent. I'm over the empty promise of every fishing trip being the last one. If he really did not want to be there, he wouldn't be. If he really wanted to be here then he could be, he's the one that decided that there's he wants to be.
Today there was a small crisis and for a little while he was not able to contact me. They arrived on Thrusday Island and he had no money. He needed me to send an express money order to the post office. When he did get hold of me I got this comment "When I really needed you, I couldn't get hold of you. You weren't there." Welcome to my world. Where has he been over the last little while when I really needed someone??? When I was so ill with morning sickness that even putting one foot in front of another was a massive task.... where was he?? Not here that's for sure. It's not often that I "need" someone to be here. The moments when I did, there was no one (except for all you wonderful minti mum's!!). It was left up to me to get myself through it, to fight the nausea and do what needed to be done. I've always had this dream that turned into a promise to myself.... I always dreamed that if I was to fall pregnant again then I would share the whole experience with someone. I wanted to share all the milestones, the joy and the shopping for the baby with someone. I promised myself that I would not do this on my own again. I find myself alone again. I'm doing all the doctors appointments, scans, tests alone. I don't have that person to share the experience with. I am lucky in that I have g with me to share it and as much as I love her being a massive part of it all, it's not the same. I also decided a long, long time ago that if I was to meet someone then they had to be someone who was willing to be a constant in g's life. To be that extra bit of stability, the other trusted person that she could turn to....... I have broken that promise to my daughter. Instead, she's got someone who comes and go. That is my fault. Oh believe me, she is fine. She is used to life being just her and me and on the whole she's fine. It's me that sees it like the way it is. G knows that I'm not going anywhere fast, so she has all the reassurance that she needs. So my dream of having someone to share in my next pregnancy is being torn down. Guess it was only ever meant to be a dream. If I wanted to be pregnant and on my own then I could of just gone out, found some random guy and done it that way. However, life doesn't really seem to be about what I want. Again, I am being selfish.
I think my needs and wants are simple one's. I'm not asking for the earth. All I ever wanted was someone to share life with, someone who I could turn to when I needed to, someone who could consider helping me raise a wonderful little girl. I've always thought that allowing someone into our little family was a pretty huge honour and somewhat of a priviledge. Maybe I have just expected to much out of this whole thing. I only ever wanted the best for miss g and I suppose in the end me. Maybe dreams should just stay that, dreams. Right now, I've got some tough decisions to make and I can guarantee that they will not be made lightly. I've got to do what's best for miss g and worm...... and maybe I will take the selfish road and try and do what's best for me. People will probably tell me to wait till he's home again..... that's the thing, I'm always waiting. Waiting for him to come home from fishing, waiting to move, waiting to rest.... I'm really beginning to hate the word waiting. I'm fine... just being on my own... again.
fi xoxox |
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That's the question a lot of people ask me.... how do I love someone who isn't here??? Well, it ain't easy that's for sure!!! I can only speak for myself. There are ALOT of people that are seperated from their partners, each individual story is different but has a common thread.........the person you love is not here.
Each day is different.. different emotions, different thoughts but the feeling of seperation is never too far away. For me, I could be in a crowded room filled with laughter, talking, friends etc but the lonely feeling is still with me. It's almost like you're seperated from everyone else in the room.. like you're there but you're not. It can be like living two lives at once. The one you live when your partner is home is suddenly put into a holding pattern so you "create" another life at the same time to see you through. There are times where you desperately want to stop time so they don't miss a thing but life goes on with or without them here. That has been one of the toughest things for me to come to terms with. Especially with miss g. Kids are forever growing and changing and it hurts to know that he's not here to see it. Sure, you can tell them all about it but sometimes it not the same as them seeing it. People say keep yourself busy and to a degree that works. For instance, you go to work, you're busy, distractions everywhere. Then drive home happens and the thinking starts. Just knowing that when you pull into the driveway, get out the car, open the front door, there will be no one home. You shut the front door to the outside world where you've pretended for most of the day that you're fine, you're not missing them and everything is normal. You enter the world of truth, he's not there and you miss him more than words could ever say. For me, I keep going and do the routine things.. get dinner going, clean up a little, feed g.. all the normal things. Then it's her bedtime.... silence again. I can sit on the couch and watch tv... I do admit that I look to the right of me at the empty seat beside me.... I miss him even more then. The toughest times can be going to bed at night and first thing in the morning. There have been countless mornings where in my sleepy state, it's almost like he's there.. I can almost feel him laying next to me. Reality always sets in and that feeling disappears... the other side of the bed is still empty. He is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to bed. There are days where I can question and question if I do love him and he me, if this is really I want. There are days where I am so sure that I don't love him and I don't want him to come back. That's all just from the anger and frustration that I can feel. You do feel hurt and angry for them leaving you and I suppose you sometimes just want to hurt them as much as they have hurt you. Rational thoughts always come back and set the record straight though. It is one hell of a rollercoaster to be on and looking at it now I suppose I have found my own way coping. It doesn't mean though that I'm not hanging on for the phone calls or txt messages. It's almost like you start living for them and on the really bad days it's the only thing that gets me through. As I type, my mobile is right beside me in the hope for a txt or a phone call. That little bit of reassurance that he's ok, he's missing me as much I miss him and the three tiny words that can make me cry and smile at the same time "I love you". It can be difficult to speak to him though knowing that he's going through hell or is in some kind of pain, I just want to be able to help him. It can be very frustrating!!! Makes me wonder if it's easier to be the one leaving than the one that is left behind..... I know that he wants to be here but for the moment he can't be. That "moment" can feel like forever... it drags and drags. You get over it pretty darn quick!!! There are the times when all I can think of is him wrapping his arms around me... they're the times I miss the most. The quiet times where we would lay with each other, no words spoken, just peaceful and content. I try not to think of those moments to much but sometimes I can't help it. In the silence, I sit there and close my eyes.... I can almost feel and hear him next to me. It can be a comfort and so painful all at the same time.
So I guess I just do it somehow..... At the moment I'm just hanging on.... it's the time of the trip where he's so close to coming home yet still so far away. Hopefully my phone will ring, it may not...... If it doesn't I'll be alright..... I always seem to manage to be. To those that are seperated from loved ones..... it's a tough and lonely road. I could say that you're not alone but that's almost like lying..... I mean I can't be in the room with you to ease the loneliness... but I understand just how tough you are to get through it.
love to all,
fi xoxo |
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Well, it doesn't look like my naked fire dancing worked  . Received a txt from jd a couple of days ago saying that he's pretty much not coming home when we were hoping... BUGGER IT!!! I don't know who is more peeved about it, me or him. I know how much he wants to be home and I think it's pretty clear just how much I want him home. I had a sneaking suspicion that the skipper wouldn't bother looking for someone else and that looks like what's happened. At the moment, jd's just aiming to get to Thursday Island in the next couple of days. I know that getting off the boat for a bit will help him a lot. Just wish that he was coming home.... He's only been gone 6 weeks but it feels like a lifetime arrgghh. So we could be apart for at least another 3 weeks if not more.... GRRRRRR!!!!!! It's a little bit harder at the moment cos we don't get to speak to each other. His phone is mainly out of range and he hasn't been able to do the sneaky plug the phone in the aeral thing!!! I am more than grateful for the txt's that we are able to send each other.... I would love to be able to speak to him though..... On the morning sickness front.... well.... still with me!!! It hasn't been too bad the past couple of days but it's still hanging round like a bad smell!!! The tips the doc gave me work sometimes which is better than nothing. For the first time in a couple of weeks I was actually able to stand in the kitchen, chop up some food and create something for dinner. Miss g has been really great about the whole dinner thing and I've been able to get away with things that you can just shove in the oven or if I was really bad, the good ol microwave! She was just as shocked as I was to see me standing in the kitchen and chopping stuff up to cook lol!!! So tonight my little girl has been well fed... and it's something that I actually made HOORAY!!!
About standing up... well not quite sure the reason behind this one but I've appeared to have lost the feeling in the my right leg and my lower back is killing me.... believe me, I much prefer this pain to the nausea I've been having!! Was kinda interesting at work with this funky leg thing going on lol!!! I've gotta go back to the doc on friday for all my test results so might just check with him. Mum seems to think that "worm" (my new nickname for him/her) may of decided to rest on some nerve and that's what's causing this.... well worm time to move hehehe.... just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings!!!!
Hope that everyone is doing well!!!
love to all,
fi, miss g, jd and the newly named worm!!!! |
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I like my doctor, I really do.... especially when he takes one look at me and says "you don't look well at all!!" Geez thanks ever so much, that's why I'm here!!! He really does give a dam which I am really grateful for. Where to start???
Not much he can really do about the whole nausea thing!!! YAY I'm so happy (hint of sarcasm there). He says because I am able to keep some food in me and the maxolon makes things worse, there really is no point in prescribing any other medical treatments at this point. This is when I do believe I did this .. a lot of . He said what I can try is an anti histamine.Hmmm, suppose I better give this one a go and see what happens. The only side effect is sedation... well I'm sleep pretty much all the time so why not lol!!! I've lost a total of 5 kilos in just over a week. He's not toooo concerned about that one as I did the same thing when pregnant with miss g. Infact I lost a total of 22 kilos when I was pregnant with her!! I was one hot mumma lol!!! He has given me some other things to try...
1. Eat what ever my body is craving. He said no matter what it is eat it!!! Apparently a lot of women have reported that they feel fine if they eat what they are craving..... well for me it seems to be chocolate thickshakes!! He said to me go for it... it's calcium at the end of the day!
2. Eat Apples.... been living on the suckers anyway. Apparently apples helps a lot of women with morning sickness. (have them cold out of the fridge)
3. Eat cheese and nuts. Cheese takes longer to digest and is full of protein as is nuts. So made it to the supermarket and purchased one big ass block of cheese and a big ass bag of nuts. Almonds are the best ones so almonds for all.
4. Graze throughout the day. Well that's what I've been doing. He suggested eating really small amounts of whatever it is I'm craving. Say it's a sandwich of some kind... take small bites of it and eat it over a course of 1/2 hour or so. Yet to try that one but I'll give it a go. He also said to eat to stop the hungry nausea and just enough so that you feel that nice feeling of full.
5. Don't drink any fluids with any meal that you eat. He told me to wait at least 1/2 hour before consuming any fluids. Try really cold drinks... that's all I can handle anyway is really cold drinks.
6. Here's one I have never heard of before... sniffing lemon. Apparently it's an old one but a good one and a lot of women have found it helps keep the nausea away. I'll strap one to my nose!!!
There were more tips... got them written down just cant seem to find them ohoh....
Now the shakes I've been having....... Could be one of three things or a combination of all three. Could be a kidney or bladder infection. If so then daily injections will be required only because I have real trouble swallowing any big ass tablets. Could be severly low blood sugar levels... if so off to hospital for me for 24 hours of IV and electorlytes. Then home for a few days and then back to hospital again. He said it's quickest way to get my blood sugar levels to where they need to be. It could be I am lacking in every known vitamin and mineral known to man!!! If that's the case then daily injections will be required again until all levels are back up to where they should be. The doc said to sleep whenever I want as tiredness can make the nausea worse. Unless I get alot worse then I just have to put up with it for the moment. He's trying to be optimistic bless him and is saying that a lot of women have to wait until the 16 week mark before the nausea disappears...... two more weeks and we'll know if his optimism has paid off. For the moment it's blood tests, I'm being screened for anything and everything and some more urine tests.... results should be back in a couple of days.
Thank you to everyone for your support and kindness. I would be truly lost without all of you... thank you from the bottom of my heart!!!!
fi xoxo
P.S To any of my friends... if I disappear off the net for a while don't worry.... seems I forgot to pay my internet bill and today was the cut off to pay it... paid it but they may still disconnect me.... oh god I hope not........ thanks again everyone.
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I decided to do the ring around earlier this evening to see if there was anyone that could take miss g for a bit. I would of asked my parents (who would of done it) but Dad has the flu at the moment and I really don't want miss g to catch it!! Anyway I rang people that I thought I was really close friends with... not one person out of the 12 I rang were willing to help. I got the usual brush off or the pause while they think of an excuse. There was only one of them that I truly believe, her little boy hasn't been too well but she would see how he's feeling tomorrow and if he's alright then she said will come and get miss g for an hour or so. The rest well...... I'm not even going to go into it. Most of them have seen me and they all know how crook I've been. I have reached a point now where I really don't know how I am going to keep this up. I am barely getting through the days and please don't get me wrong, miss g has been an absolute star!! I couldn't ask for much more really from an 8 year old that doesn't really understand why I can't function. I was hoping that one of them would take her so she could go and have some fun.... I even said that to a couple of people I rang but still no go. I will go and see the doc tomorrow in the hopes that there is something he can give me to calm this nausea down. I know I've lost quite a lot of weight as well over the last 2-3 weeks. I have big black rings around my eyes..... I look like a wannabe gothic!!! I am admitting that I am not strong enough to do this........ what gets me though is some of the people that I rang offered a while ago to take miss g for a couple of hours. Why offer to do something when you know full well that you don't mean it? I had one person say to me that they have a free couple of hours in about 3 weeks. Hmmm that's interesting cos she's a stay at home mum, her sons goes to school 5 days a week, they get picked up by another friend of ours, she doesn't go out anywhere, she's not involved in any volunteer groups..... Now I just sound so bitter and twisted. Sorry. I'm just a bit upset at the moment.... yep, probably over reacting.... anyone who knows me knows that it's quite difficult for me to ask for help..... anyway I've prattled on enough... sorry everyone.
fi xoxo |
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Well.... hmmmm got the usual text from jd this morning. I do beleive he said to me "hi hun. things came to blows last nite. im fine. love u, miss u". Ummmmm ok. Tried to call him but they have moved further away from York Island which means bad reception... you get the picture. Anyway, text's were still getting through so all I could find out is that jd had a fat lip and a sore shoulder..... otherwise fine. I kept trying to call him then finally success. It was a pretty bad connection but this is the story ( well what I could make out anyway).
The other decky and him were sorting prawns on the deck. The other guy turned around and said something along the lines of "you're such a big kid....." didn't quite catch the rest. Anyway, jd turned around and said "what did you say?" the guy repeated it and that was is it!! Jd ran across the deck and well pretty muched decked him!!!! He apparently sent him flying across the deck. Well, considering jd is nearly 6 ft tall and the other bloke is about 5'4 and skinny... you do the math. Well jd then decided to get this bloke in a head lock, thats when the skipper came down from the bridge and broke them up. As jd was stood there listening to the skipper the other bloke decided to smack him one, hence the fat lip!!! So after all of that jd has pretty much guaranteed himself a trip home. Now while I'm getting pretty excited at the thought of him being home next week.... I just wish it was done a little differently. I can understand why he did what he did though. This guy has been driving him insane for the last month or so and they did the last trip together also. When I have spoken to jd, I have heard this bloke in the background..... not my cup of tea. Apparently this is the third or fourth time this bloke has been smacked out by someone this year!!! The skipper really likes this bloke though so you pretty much cant win. Really, if it was me out there, I probably would of punched him out weeks ago. Jd is not a violent person at all and really is one of the most patient people I have met. I guess this guy just pushed and pushed him. Also not being able to escape and have some of your own time doesnt help. These two have to share a cabin together as well. So I could (fingers crossed) have my man home by next week sometime. That would be so fantastic.
I've been battling pretty bad nausea today..... I wish it would just leave me alone now. A friend of mine dropped around earlier today. I haven't seen her for a few weeks, so it was high time for us to catch up. Anyway, I opened the front door, she took one look at me and just started hugging me. I knew I looked bad but surely not that bad. Now my friend is not one to lie but she is usually very gentle with the words she uses... not this time!!! She sat me down and told me I look like hell basically. She hugged me again and that's when the tears just flowed. I do feel terrible, there's no denying it and apparently my outwards apperance reflects just how bad I feel on the inside. I know I've lost my usual spark and I am so desperately trying to get it back. Maybe it's just a bad day.... although I seem to have many of those strung together. I want to enjoy this pregnancy but when I'm so ill all the time, it is really hard. I have no energy for anything.....maybe I should go to the doctor. I've made it this far on my own though. I don't think there's much he'd be able to do anyway. Guess I'll just have to keep battling on with the hope and prayer that the nausea ends sometime soon....
Well, hope everyone is having a great Friday! Oh, has anyone heard from Arna??? I haven't seen her online and I really hope that everything is ok with her and puggle..... Thinking of you Arna.
love to all,
fi xoxo
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Today has been a bit of a reflecting day for me..... I am one of the luckiest people in the world. I have so much support for so many people. I never thought that it would happen. There have been many people here on Minti and in my private life that have been so very supportive of me. To each and everyone on of you here on Minti I am truly grateful. You have all seen me through the really tough times and I appreciate each and everyone of you. There are some people that have made me feel..... wanted I suppose is the word........ these people truly are angels......
Helen (nell 18-3).. My first ever minti friend....You have been with me from the start and will be with me until the very end. You kind words, your support, your friendship mean the world to me. Thank you for everything my dear friend.. without you I would of been so terribly lost. My wishes for you.... continued strength, determination and courage. A life filled with laughter and love for you and the boys (oh and Amy of course) and a life which you know who has nothing to do with. I wish you peace, happiness and nothing but love. Thank you....
Janice..... Where would I be without my second Mum?? I know you worry about me ( a little birdy told me hehe) when Janice, you should be worrying about yourself. Your true compassion and support of all of us here on Minti has been astounding. Your friendship means the world to me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your love, support and kindness when I needed it the most. You are a true gem...... My wishes for you (and Steve of course lol) are good health, strength, happiness, continued laughter and love..... I wish that you and my other Mum Marg will be together soon in the not to distance future. You two are both wonderful people and deserve to spend as much time as possible together. Thank you Janice... for everything.
Fi (yummymummyof3).... the other fi.... where to start with you haha. You have picked me up when I have fallen, you've dusted me off and made me laugh. Your friendship is one of the most important one's that I have made here on Minti. You are someone that kicks me up the ass when I need it but will cry with me when I can't stop. You are a true friend to myself and G... My wishes for you are many.... sheer joy and happiness, a life filled with love, never ending support, truth of spirit and every success that this world has to offer. Thank you fi for just being fi... I wouldn't change you for the world!!!
Amanda (mumof2b).... My dearest and most loved friend... You are the true epitome of a friend. I would not of been able to get through the last few months without you. I'm not quite sure what I have ever done to deserve a friend like you but I would do it all again to have you part of our lives. Your kindness, love and support of both me and G never ceases to amaze me. Your honesty, integrity, fiestiness, humour and compassion only make up a tiny bit of why you are so special to the both of us. Even the simplest of text messages from you makes my day. I never thought that I would have the honour of having someone like you as my friend.... I am grateful to whoever it is I need to grateful too for putting us two together. My wishes for you..... Strength ( not that you need that much more!!!), joy, peace, happiness, returning to Coffs, sublime love, good fortune and contentment. You (and the boys) deserve all the wonderful things that this life has to offer. Thank you for being the looder you are.... without you life just wouldn't be the same..... I love you manda bear......
My man...... life is that little too empty when you're not here. The bed is huge, the house is empty.. that little part of me is missing. I hate being apart from you but I know why you do what you do. I will never forget the first time I heard that laugh of yours, the first time I laid eyes on you... the first time you wrapped those arms around me. You came into our lives so unexpectedly and I wouldn't want it any other way. I long for the day you get home and god I hope it's soon. To be able to have you hold me, to see that smile, to wake up next to you....... I miss you so very much and love you that so much more. Thank you babe for... just thank you. My wishes for you are success in whatever it is you choose to do, happiness, contentment...... I wish the world for you
Last but always first in my life.... my golden hair angel.... Miss G. You came into my life when I needed someone the most. From the moment you were placed in my arms that was it.... true, unconditional love. I held you and tears rolled down my face... tears of joy. I held onto you so tightly and I still do to this day. You are the reason I walk this earth. The joy and love you have brought into my life... there are no words. You are the one that makes me smile when nothing or no one else can seem to. You are the one that gives me the greatest joy, the biggest smile and the warmest heart. Without ever knowing it or meaning to you are the one that saved me. You are the one that gave me and still gives me the strength to go on. You may need me but I need you a whole lot more. You are my best friend, my funniest enemy..... you are the one great thing I have done in my life. Miss G you truly are an angel... one that was sent to me for reasons I don't even understand...... I love you more than I thought I could love anyone.... My wishes for you are EVERYTHING!!!! You deserve all that this life has to offer and I will be there every step of the way to help you. You are destined to achieve so much in this life... then again you already have. Thank you Miss G.......
To everyone that has taken the time to comment back to me, send me minti mails etc I thank you. You are all very special, unique people...... My wishes for you all... ever lasting happiness and love.
fi xoxoxox
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O.k, in need of some vibes, prayers, thoughts, wishes, chanting, voodoo.. something ANYTHING!!!!
J.d rang me this arvo and said that he's got some news... ohoh...... He told the skipper after breakfast this morning that he wants to get off the boat OMG!!!! The other deckhand on board has been driving him insane for the whole trip!!! Last night it apparently got so bad that jd ended up throwing two prawns at this guys full pelt!!! Don't worry I didn't know that prawns were a lethal weapon either but apparently they are ROFL!!! I would of loved to have seen it... although I can imagine it. This guy is apparently a real suck up to the skipper and has this habit of making it look like he's the one doing all the work and jd does none.... if it was me I would of chucked him overboard a long time ago! So jd spoke to the skipper and said that if he can't find anyone then he'll stay for the rest of the trip..... they are going to be at Thursday Island in about 9 days and he can fly home from there. So my lovely minti ladies (and gents) HELP!!! We need all the help in getting my man home!!!! Prayers, scarifices, dance around a fire naked..... ANYTHING you can muster to help find someone else to do the job and get my man home. He wants to be here... we need him here......... anyone and everyone... LETS GET MY MAN HOME!!!!!
Thank you and now I'm off to dance around the fire naked lol,
fi xoxox |
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Well the one thing I was looking forward to ain't going to be happening anytime soon. Got the phone call from jd.. they're going to be out there for at least another 4 weeks. So instead of him being here in under 2 weeks I have another month to go. I am angry, really really upset and so disappointed. I hate being apart from him but right now it's compounded by the fact that I am pregnant. I've done the whole pregnancy thing on my own before and this time I was really looking forward to having him here. I have another scan in 2 weeks and I really wanted him to be here. I know there will be other scans he can come to, I get that. I just had my heart set on him being home in under 2 weeks. Guess I'm just being selfish... I was getting so excited about him coming home. Life's just been put on hold again... I'm over it. I want to move from here so desperately. Believe me, if I wasn't pregant then that's what we would be doing. I can't move to a town where I don't know anyone with G either. I have to be realistic.... with the way my morning sickness has been I need to have people I trust close by just in case I need some help. I know when he finally get's back that we will be moving etc...... at this moment in time though I am heartbroken. The one person I want here more than anything just can't be here.........
fi xoxo |
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I have an ouchy according to miss g!!! I have just spent the best part of the day cleaning, scrubbing, sweeping, mopping tidying...... OUCH!!! My back is killing me. The reason for my cleaning binge.... house inspection tomorrow. The only thing I haven't managed to do is mow the lawn and I don't care lol. It's been raining on and off here so that's a good enough reason for me not to mow the lawn. I mean it's lovely and all to have a clean house but I do wish the cleaning fairy would come and do it for me. It's probably not up to my usual standard of cleaning but it'll do. I spent most of the time scrubbing mould!!!! It's this house we live in, it's full of it!!! For $320 a week you think that it would have some kind of drainage under it but noooooooo. Mould is everywhere!!! I despise it all. I keep on top of it the best I can but with the recent rain it's creeping back in again. This is why I can't wait to move....... I just have to get up the steam to drive the 2 hours there and 2 hours back to find somewhere..... believe me I will do it. I really can't live in this house for to much longer. All our clothes go mouldy and the couch has that nice musty smell to it... lovely!!!! Guess you could say I'm just over being ripped off..... not long to go, I just keep saying that to myself.
At least I got to speak to jd today YAYAYAYAYAYAAYAYAY. They're back within phone range for the moment. So he seized the first opportunity and rang me. It's so fantastic to hear his voice and I can't wait till he's home again.... finally some help!!!! We actually even managed to have a laugh. It doesn't usually happen as he is absoutely buggered when I speak to him. We both have our fingers crossed that he's home in 2 weeks. He can't wait to come home and me, I am busting for him to be here. By the time he's home I'm just about due for my next scan. I'll get endless hugs and someone home to rub my back OMG I can almost feel the relief now!!!! This trip has been a tough one on the both of us. He has been just holding on and with me not being up to my usual supportive self... well you get the picture. It's not long now.... then we can move and finally start a fresh. Hopefully we will speak again this arvo when he wakes up..........
Hope everyone is having a great Sunday... me, time to get dressed and do some food shopping!!! Oh how I love food shopping lol!!!
much love to all,
fi xoxo |
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Well.... where to start????
Today started off with me in a sarcastic (see previous blog) mood and really not wanting to face the day. I got myself to work, took a few deep breaths and got ready to face the day. I couldn't shake this feeling that something was going to happen. I didn't know what, I didn't know why... all I knew was that I was dead certain that something was going to happen.
The day flowed fairly normally. Served a few people, cleaned and cleaned, nothing exciting at all. Around lunch time we were a little busy. I was off in my own little world, doing my thing when I looked up and saw her... OMG my dear friend Lexi had come to see me. Some may remember I blogged a while ago about Lexi. She has cancer. I got the shock of my life!!! I was soo excited to see her YAY!!! She had defied doctors orders (typical Lexi) and left the comfort of her home to come and see the likes of me. I wrapped my arms around her, she is so thin! We held onto each other for as long as we could.... then that feeling came on so strong....I knew that this was something I was not going to like. There were a few tears when we let go of each other and I could tell by the look in her eye that this visit had a lot more meaning than I first realised. I gave her Mum a huge hug (she's like my second Mum). I was over the moon to see the both of them. I looked at Lexi and my heart started to break. The sparkle she walks around with has all but disappered. She's almost a grey colour and the smile she now wears is one that is almost forced. She is desperately thin... I mean the girl has always been thin but this is ridiculous!!!! I told the staff that I was taking my lunch break and that was that. I walked out of the shop with Lexi and we headed over the road to the beach. Her Mum went off to find something for lunch while Lexi and I found somewhere semi private to talk. We sat down near the rocks and she took my hand in her's. I had tears already, I almost knew what was coming....... She's not going to make it.... She looked me sqaure in the eyes and said "Fi, this is something I couldn't tell you over the phone. The cancer has spread all through my body. They could operate and operate, fire as much chemo as possible at me but there is only a 10-20% chance that it will make any difference. I have decided that I want to live my last months not keep death at bay. I have decided not to put my body through all of that just to buy a smidge more time. I have to face facts..." I just sat there. I couldn't speak. I wanted to scream at her for not wanting to fight, for being so willing to give up a chance to have a bit more time with us. We just sat there in silence for a few moments. She said to me "Fi, you know this is the right thing to do. You know I love you like a sister and I hope you understand my decision". I don't understand it but I do respect it. My friend has decided to live her last moments on this earth with dignity. She wants to live and laugh for as long as she can. The doctors can't give her a definite amount of time she has left. The cancer is in her lungs, on her kidneys, a lump on her spine, it's everywhere. Her body will just slowly shut down over time. Lexi is determined to see two things... my 30th birthday (in September) and to see this baby be born. If there is one thing I know for a fact, when Lexi is determined to do something then look out.
We sat together in silence. There was no need for words. I sat there trying to take in that my friend is dying..... and there really is nothing that anyone can do to prevent it. She has known for a while but wanted to tell in me person. She wanted to be there to comfort me when I should be the one comforting her. We walked slowly back to work, arm in arm. I didn't want to let her go. Even though she is so ill she still looks graceful and divine. I walked proudly with my friend, privledged to have the chance to be her friend, to love her, to laugh with her and to experince life with her. We got back to work and we hugged. It was time to say good bye for the moment. She wanted to go and see G so I rang Mum and Dad and told them that she was on her way. She walked away with her Mum and I stood there not able to move for a few moments. I has a real mixture of emotions. I was devastated, yet so happy that I got to see her. I was numb yet so bloody angry. How can life be so cruel?? How can her life be cut short??? IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!! Lexi has made her peace with it all and now must I. She wants to enjoy the time she has left and I am determined that when we see each other that every moment will be filled with laughter and love. Miss G was apparently very excited to see her Aunty lex!!! They had a great time together as always. Her Mum messaged me to say thank you, she hadn't seen Lexi smile like that for a while. I spent the rest of the day at work just going through the motions. I was there but I wasn't. I picked G up after work and she showed me the toys that Aunty lex had given her and there was one for me.... It's Lexi's favourite braclet. I know wear it with pride. It's never coming off my wrist. We got home and I went and sat outside for a bit. I just needed that little bit of quiet time. No tears, she's still here... I just needed that little bit of tune out time which G gave me (thank you G). I walked back inside and sat down to write this. Now to anyone who has read this and is crying stop it. This is not such a sad story, Lexi is still here. Instead, don't worry about the petty things in life.... go and live life. Laugh as much as you can and love deeply. Hug your kids every chance you get. If you have partner tell them that you love them, show them that you love them. Call a friend you haven't spoken to in a while, send them an email whatever.. just make contact with them. There is so much to life..... Instead of worrying what someone thinks of you or trying to stir up someone just for the sake of it.. go and spend sometime with the people that you love and that love you. Time is precious..... so don't waste time worrying over the small things..... take that time and use it to be with those you love.
love and hope to all,
fi xoxo |
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absolutely knackered..... I managed to survive the day at work!!!! OMG it was a tough one.... thank god I was working with one of my friends for most of the day. Made it a little bit easier to be there to begin with. I packed my crackers (thank god for jatz and salada crackers!!!), took my pills with me just in case and off I went!!!! I wasn't feeling the best but forced myself to get there. The morning was fairly quite which can actually make it tougher... time just drags on and standing around can actually take it out of you more lol. Things finally picked up a bit and time just seemed to disappear. It was the usual stock standard rude people (always during school holidays!), complaints of petty things etc etc. It was around 3:00 that I started to struggle. It was a real push to keep on going. I did get to finish early (by 15 minutes) which was a relief!!! On the drive home I realised how sore my legs actually were and my back.. ohoh.... home to a nice hot shower for me!!! Today I feel really pregnant.... kinda slow and I feel so huge. The thing is I'm not huge yet... probably just getting ready for the huge feeling lol. I noticed my tummy more today as I have to bend over alot at work. Just seemed to keep getting in the way lol!!!
Haven't heard from jd for a couple of days now.... we kinda had a little fight and I sent him a message saying we need some time apart. Thank god he actaully listened to me and has left me to it. I needed some time and space to get my head into shape again. He made a few comments the last time we spoke which didnt sit to well with me. I needed some peace and quiet... no pressure, nothing! Now I'm nearly back to normal and coping a little better I can't get through to him. His phone's out of range. We've got a few things to sort out. So, I hope he's alright out there and in the next few days we can speak to each other.
Right, time for me to go and sit on the couch for a bit lol!!! much love to all,
fi oxoxxoxo |
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I actually left the house today.... not only the house but my suburb...... I know it sounds quite sad really but I did it and I am proud of myself. I woke up this morning and thought that's it I've gotta get out of this house! I munched on my crackers and have been able to eat 3/4 of an apple today as well. Got g and me ready and that was it we were outta here. At first it was just for a drive. I kept thinking that I wanted to be anywhere but here right now. So the crackers were thrown in the car with the lemonade, the extra strong mints, a bucket and the maxolon just in case. We ended up about 1/2 hours drive from home at a major shopping centre.... I actually was able to shop in a packed shopping centre with a little bit more ease. See, with my last pregnancy I suffered from really bad claustraphobia (sp?) and it's returned with this one. Any kind of enclosed space and I start to freak out. I got myself through it and managed to get around one very packed K mart store. I purchased a new barbie for miss g and some beado's... she's very excited!!! I finally faced some baby shopping... believe me, I have been putting it off. Suppose it's that lovely place called denial!!! I've come home with a new stroller, a set of bottles and a bouncer that vibrates. They had a cot there but couldn't see a price and had enough trouble trying to get the stroller in the trolley lol. So all in all I'm pretty proud that I managed to leave the house and face up to somethings that I really didnt want to...... Now tomorrow is going to be the big test......... 7 hours on my feet at work, serving cranky holiday makers and dealing with staff that really get under my skin at the best of times!!!! Fingers crossed I can make it through the day considering I've only been able to do 4 hour shifts over the last little while......... Thanks again to miss g.... you're a little trooper.... Fingers crossed that blasted tooth falls out tonight baby girl!!!
much love to all,
fi xoxo
P.S Thanks to all that left me comments in my last blog.... I really do appreciate it.... |
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