Right now i have everything that or have had everything that you read about in romance novels, or anyone wishes for for that matter. Question now being what happens in happily forever after? Its not even that i've ever been a really confident person, perhapes small man syndrome that made me always stand up for what i believe in, maybe it was the only way of getting attention? It's not even that i miss who i was but ive lost so many of the fundamental things that i really valued about myself since becoming a parent and even more after getting married. I'm stuck between who i am, who i'm supposed to be and who i want to be. I've always taken that rediculous leap and to damn with the concequences, cadets provided me with alot of the physical challenges i was told i couldn't do and often couldn't, entered intellectual competitions that i knew i didn't stand a chance at winning in the first place and lost alot of respect and friends for stealling kisses or for refusing to change just because thats what everyone else was doing. 

Physical, mental, heart and soul, all at a stalemate, and while i understand i'm not a kid anymore, i have a child of my own and that ofcourse effects most everything plus the responsibilities he comes with and i have a husband who has needs, expectations, wants and ambitions too but how far is to far to take all this? I feel trapped by own circumstances and there is no-one else to blame but myself. For example a wife should be submissive, so ive gone from bread winner to bearly getting a crumb. While i know thats a bit extreme and no its not completely acceptable it is mostly my choice because i want to be with my son. I went back to work and while it was easier come bill time all i wanted was to be at home with my husband and son. Therein lies my problem, do i really have to sacrifice everthing i want just because i wanna be with my family right now? Do i keep pushing my husband harder to get noticed, or do i just snap it up and if i want something go back to my awesome job so i have some extra cash so i might actually be able to buy lunch with my mum's group?

Atleast minti provides some mental satisfaction and validation. I know i'm not in the right completely right but you do not go to hell since the day your born to settle for being unhappy for the sake of being everything your new over night roles seem to dictate. I also acknowledge i'm very hard on my husband and i'm sure he has similar thoughts. I'd love that....if he'd just talk to me....

i got back after my last entry the best blood screen came back better than anyone could hope for. I was disappointed because i had no excuse for my problems. I continue to use every resource i can to work out what could be wrong! i guess my advice explains this...blog soon love lozmac oxox.

ALL I CAN SAY IS THANK GOODNESS FOR MINTI AND EVEN MORE FOR MY MINTI FRIENDS!

Over the past few days everything has really gotten to me, i've sunk deeper into a depression i cant seem to control at all. I'm scared of myself and my capabilities when i faze into these moments. SO today i went to every resource i could find to try and get help. i went to a doctor yesterday, she ordered all the tests for what could be causing my depression (eg thyroid, blood count, suger tests). unfortunately i have to wait until tomorrow arvo to find out whats happening and how they are going to treat me. But atleast things are moving and am trying my best to hold steady till then.

Things are really hard just now between money situations and i think i have post natal depression. so heres to starting again and working it out one step at a time.