I have had a very rough time for the last three weeks.  Every since my son had an incident with the police, where they slammed him around while handcuffed and threatned to taze him several times, he has been having meltdowns.  I have never seen him like he is now.  He destroys our apartment, spits on things, he has even spit in my face.  He says some of the meanest things to me and others. This is also affecting my oldest son.  I cant get him to just ignore B, instead he just gets very angry and then I end up having to deal with two out of control boys.  I am going to college to be an RN, I go full time.  Its hard to keep up with my assignments, well actually Its hard to keep up with everyting.  Daily life things, like cleaning and cooking.  I have pretty much given up on cleaning because everytime I do, B goes into a rage and destroys everything.  I dont know what to do when he gets like that, this last time I took him to a hospital to be evaluated and hoping they would keep him, but they didnt.  Its almost like every since he has been diagnosed with Aspergers everywhere I turn for help, I get turned down.  I hate having to go anywhere, especially if I have to take B with me.  He does not want to go anywhere unless its some place he wants to go.  I am lost. and I feel like the few people I know who are trying to help sometimes make me feel more lost.  I am very glad and very thankful that I have them and their support, it does mean a lot to me.  They mean a lot to me.  My family does not help out with anything, and that makes it hard.  My mom and one of my sisters live just about 15 to 20 minutes away, and it feels like they are not even my family. 

I dont know if I have ever been a good mom, I hope I have, but I just dont think so.  Im trying to make things better for my boys and I.  It just seems like the more I try the worse things get.  I go to college, and I dont work.  I wish I could get a job but I cant right now.  I havent worked I think going on three years.  I have been thinking that maybe I should quit going to school right now and get a job.  Its not easy going to school with my son how he is, I mean I cant miss any classes or I will get dropped.  If i get a job and have to miss then I would get fired.  What am I suspost to do?  Im just really lost.  I dont really know why Im writing this in a blog, i guess just to get it out.  I usually dont do this.  I guess i need to hop off here for now......