Maybe because I'm very sick right now I really want to write about the thing that has affected me the most in my whole life. My **** lungs are full and breathing is so hard and I've been here many times before. Basically it sucks.

Six years ago my life,my world fell apart and there was nothing I could do. I was helpless and ineffectual and lost,so lost. We all were in shock as my beautiful son relayed to us what had been found. This boy was,as a child, a bundle of mischief,always into everything but he'd look at me with those big brown eyes and my heart melted. Didn't matter what,didn't matter why,I fell in love to the bottom of my soul when he looked at me after he was born. I'm so very blessed to have had that four other times in my life,a rare and true gift to be bestowed on you. He was active and busy and above all the sweetest, gentlest soul. He was my nature boy,always with some critter or other...often in the house!! He loved his fish tanks and forgave me when I brought in those puffer fish that I thought were so interesting. They grew quickly and ate the other fish, who knew??? He loved the fish that set up home in a coconut in the tank and actually took care of the babies they had. All very interesting. Well this boy took on chores and worked hard and he was always so interested in gardening and science and everything else. He had a gentle teaching way about him and shared what he knew with anyone interested. He looked just like his Dad in so many ways but I could see my Dad in him too. He excelled in anything he did,school, his running and was just a sweet boy in all ways.

He drew us together and said that the back ache he had experienced was more than that. He had just bought his very first new car and while going straight through a green light and new driver in a large old cadillac and turned into him. T-boned the car and distroyed it. We were so thankful the car had airbags and my son was O.K.. But he wasn't. The pain continued and I urged him to go to the doctors. That was when he told us that he wasn't healthy. My boy that loved the outdoors,never took drugs or drink and that didn't smoke was not healthy. He had metastasized masses throughout his body. He had cancer.

Our world spun. The thought of not having this young man in our lives was so painful. The pain was beyond what you could possibly know. I had gone through the pain of losing both my parents and friends and other family members but this was so different. This cut your heart up and out and didn't let it beat. You couldn't breath,you couldn't think. He then made it so much worse,he told us the truth. In a calm clear but quiet voice he said we have to wait for the tests to come back. So he had been dealing with this on his own. My heart broke more. We floated through the wait. Floating underground in some dark place,waiting,not living ,not wanting to live. The news came back and snapped us into the cold harsh reality of the light. He had not one but four cancers,all different. He had gotten to stage four in each. His young healthy body had given no signs until the end,near the end of his young life. We were told it was hopeless,he had a five percent chance of surviving.

Cancer hits everywhere,everyone and you're hard pressed these days to find anyone not touched by it. But I felt I had failed my son. He had had checkups but who looks for this in a young boy? How long had it been there to get to the stage and size it was? He had baseball sized tumors everywhere inside him. He was such a lean tall boy how could they not have been caugh? How did he deal with all the pain? How would we deal with it?

First we had to deal with our feelings and then deal with the medical profession that did not want to try. This boy who went out of his way to help and aid anyone was not going to be given a chance? No they said,too far gone,no chance,no reason to believe there would be any outcome other than what the facts stated. My son was going to die.

No,no,no. I wanted to scream,I wanted to die,I wanted to kill,I spun,I raged. All inside,all these thoughts deep inside. I felt the cold harsh reality. I didn't know what to do. I looked at all I had been through in this life and all the times I could have and was suppose to die and the powers that be wanted to take my son? NO!!! I went to the next appointment with my son and his girlfriend and I sat there. I hated this man in his little white coat. I have never harmed anyone in my life but this guy...I could have taken him apart with my bare hands...and enjoyed doing it. Did he know who this patient was? Did he know his soul? Did he think that he was to be excused from this life so easily??? After remaining calm and quiet I talked to this man. After he said ...well,looks like your Mom wants treatment to start right away! I didn't like his tone,he mocked me. That's when I stood  up and looked him in the eye and said ...Yes....what do you suggest? I think at that point the little guy feared for his life. He turned to my son and launched into the effects,the chances,the horror of it all. He kept his back turned to me until he had said it all. My son was quiet,his wonderful gentle girlfriend in shock. I said.....So??? When and how fast can we start?

It wasn't that easy. I had to find help. I looked I tried everything,I finally found help in a wonderful woman that a girl that knew my youngest son had as a caring Mom. She stepped in and found a doctor in Toronto that would see my son,Hope!!! Our hope was dashed when after our appointment  the doctor himself had to leave his pratice because he had cancer. This lovely caring man that was willing to help my son could not help us. He had the fight of his life ahead of him. He lost that fight and the world lost a truely caring man that had healed so many but not himself. So very sad.

This is an emotional journey for me as I haven't relived or revisited it at all. I might write more but my son is here! Give all your loved ones a huge hug.