I would like to apologize for being self indulgent. I mentioned my pneumonia cause I'm feeling so crappy and I worried a lot of people. I so thank you for the well wishes and it means a lot to me but I will be fine. Everyone has their own worries and to add mine to yours is not fair. I have to see if I can clear on my own because of life threatening allergies to antibiotics because I've been here so many times. I feel there is a slight improvement ,still feel like crap,whine!!!

I titled this absence of health because for some reason ,I chose that! My son had an absence of health,as in temporary,as in good health would return. If anyone asked me it was ...my son has a temporary absence of health. I didn't know why that came out but it did. Absence of health. Actually I clung to that,I held onto that. I was his Mother and I was powerless to help him. I was his Mother and I allowed this to happen. I was his Mother and I couldn't take it away,I couldn't make it better,I couldn't do anything..I couldn't lose him.

Funny but you spiral down and it was so dark. About the time I decided that absence of health was what I would use my eldest son stepped forward. He's a strongh minded lad and he did what he does best. He drew the troops together. He summond the game plan and that was that. We were there and positive and attack!!! There it was. Within days we had the news,and had the plan. Now about the medical community... I went to the doctor that we had seen first and informed him that the doctor we saw in Toronto had  no problem with starting treatment. Everything he said I countered with a strong defence. I am not a forceful person but the life of my son was in the balance and I would confront,fight and do anything even though I really had no idea what to do. What I did know was that valueable weeks were slipping into months and we still didn't have treatment started. So a meeting was set between this doctor,myself and my son and his girlfriend. All the horrid facts and numbers and everything was set before my son. It was his life. The doctor had been put clear on what I expected and I remained quiet.

My son had showen remarkable restraint. He never raised his voice. He never asked for anything but I did. I asked that they try. At least try. My son looked up and quietly said,I'd like to try. After all the horrors had been explained and the sheer hopelessness of it had been put out in the open,this beautiful young man was willing to go through it all to stay alive for a little longer. My eyes filled and I was trying so hard to keep my over abundant emotions in check. So it was to happen,it was decided....finally.

I came home and I cursed the powers that be,I cursed the heavens and hell and I cursed myself that I couldn't take this on myself,for him I would have, for anyone I love that much I would have. But for my sweet baby that wouldn't harm anyone I thought this all so very unfair. I cried by myself with my dog leaning on me. He thought I was dying because I thought I would die.

It was a very hard time . It was just us,we had no family other than our five kids. There was certainly no support from the hospital. Their care was so much less than what you would hope for and expect. At times it boardered on criminal!  When my son was in for a round of chemo they allowed his bag to empty,I called the nurse,the I.V. bag was low...yes ..we'll be there. They weren't and I went to get them. They would come but didn't . The I.V. sat empty and they took over 20 minutes to come. By then his stint had closed and they pushed it back and forth in his arm causing such pain. They tried to start it so they wouldn't be called for allowing it to stop. My sweet daughter that loves her brother so much looked into his eyes and read the pain he was in and fainted. She hit her head on the register in the room and I couldn't wake her. The help I got???? You have to take her to emerg. ,we won't handle that here. They wouldn't help my son at all. He wanted to get washed and was too weak to do it himself,he needed his bloodied shirt changed and they wouldn't do that, he went a week in the same shirt when he was feeling so aweful and throwing up all the time. I watched my beautiful son go through hell. He didn't react properly to any of the meds and had allergic reactions to them all. He swelled so that this lean strong boy looked so terrible,he couldn't keep down anything and was so ill. And we didn't know what to do or how to do anything for him. It was terrifying . And yet through all the total hell he went through he never complained. He never raised his voice,he never really asked for anything and most surprisingly he never once said ..why me?