So much for changing my attitude.  This week I have slipped back into feeling sorry for myself and can't seem to dig myself out of this rut.  It hasn't helped that Alex hasn't done very well in his yearly tests at school he managed to score below average in all subjects except science.  He has always been quite lazy when comes to school work and I have had to help him and push him to work harder when he was at primary but I really hoped that when he started secondary he would grow up and take responsibility for himself.  How stupid was I to think that was ever possible.  Anyway, my attempts at trying to gain employment have proved unsuccessful and I am just getting so sick and tired of trying time and time again and getting nowhere.  Rejection is the hardest thing to have to cope with, I always feel like I'm square peg trying to fit into a round hole.  Even with the socialising people are all so different and it makes you feel even more of an outcast.  Maybe this is all in my head, I could really do with my counsillor now  I'm really sorry I am on a major downward spiral maybe once I've hit bottom I'll manage to claw my way back up, but for now I prefer to wail and lament, lol.

Have a nice weekend................

Right the first thing that I needed to do to change the way I've become was to go back to my old sociable self.  So started by inviting some of the boys school friends over for tea and think I will stick to that at least once every week.   Social contact is something I enjoy yet seem to avoid because I am scared of being hurt, I know that sounds silly, but I have such high expectations of everyone that I expect everyone to understand what I want from a relationship.  But need to learn that not everyone plays by the same rules as me and I should learn to be more flexible.   So here goes hopefully I won't slip back into my old ways and learn to be a lot less judgemental.   Wish me luck

Had my last free counselling session today and have got to admit she has been really good at helping me see the person I am.  A really important thing I've learnt is how I perceive the world around me and it seems I'm very critical of everything including myself and she has told me to learn to accept that everything isn't perfect and everything isn't a disaster but to find the middle ground like it's not sooo bad but could do with some improvement.  Think I'll need some help because my head sees everything in black and white and I need to get some colour, lol.  I feel so nervous now she has gone, because she was so good at giving me answers to all my confusing questions.  Who will answer them now??????????  I feel like such a messed up individual, lol.  Not sure what to think anymore, feels like she's open up a pandora's box in my head.

Hope you are all ok, not much else to report at my end other than I have some rising damp and I haven't heard anything yet on the job front.

Did my volunteering at school today and am starting to learn a lot about the amount of politically correct rules that surround schools, like for example there was a tear in the carpet and I offered to sort it out with some superglue but was told this was the caretakers job then I heard that the children were not to use the paper towels to wipe their hands because the school can't afford them so I offered to bring in some kitchen towels but was told that I shouldn't.  What a strange world we live in??? The school don't mind donations of tissues for runny noses and paper for the children to draw on it is such a shame that our schools have to struggle like this.  Also the goverment has brought out this thing of learning through play now in my one day at school I have worked out that about a third of the day is spent doing this yet most of the children in my class don't know the alphabet (song) so how is learning through play helping them.  Then there are the children who are clever or who get help from parents at home but what happens to the ones who don't.  I'm sorry I know I shouldn't moan schools do a very hard job but just wish the goverment would recognise the obstacles that they face, especially when they are happy to point the finger and close schools down that don't perform to their targets.   Think I'm getting too emotionally involved with my class, lol.

Hello.............hope you are all ok.  Had a great day today at work, basically looked after everything and worked really hard, but the best bit was how much everyone else noticed most of my friends were showering me with compliments for doing a good job.  I do feel sad deep down that I still want to leave but only because I feel like if things don't change soon I just can't work there anymore.   I do hope things change for the better but I won't be holding my breath.  Helped out at a school trip on Friday and it was great I always find children are such fun (think I'm a bit of a kid at heart) but I was knackered by the end of the day, lol.  Don't think I could handle older kids though my experience of being an exam invigilator has made me realise how much teachers at secondary schools have to put up with.  The weather forcast for tomorrow says it will be sunny and warm, hooray, hope you all have a great Sunday.