What a day!!!! It all started at 4am this morning with the worst stomach ache ever and then running to the toilet.  Had offered to go into work today and really could have done with going off sick, anyway did a 10 hour shift and am still wondering why I did it. Well at least the stomach ache has gone and so have the visits to the toilet.  Almost got rid of my cough so was not expecting this at all. Hope none of us get ill when we're on holiday.  Managed to get my mum to look after my rabbit while we are on holiday after my neighbour let me down, she said she could have it in her house and then changed her mind at the last minute (she can be really weird with her mood swings sometimes)  Got sooo much packing to do tomorrow, anyone want to help, lol.

Hope you are all ok and having a good time.  see you later, xxxxxxxx

This last week has been the busiest ever, I ended up helping out a work Mon, Tue and Wed and then on Thur and Fri had one of Alex's friends over so ended up driving them around swimming and to the cinema.  My baby rabbit had his op on Wed and has recovered well he's so cute without his front teeth he just licks everything now, lol.  Nearly got to work late on Saturday because I didn't wake up when I should have, lol, and the boss decided to do this Saturday, what great timing!!!  Yep she's back and everyone has this false air about them like they are pretending all the time.  I can't even look her in the eye when I talk to her because it feels so false.  She tried really hard to be friendly but it just doesn't feel genuine, maybe it's because after my experiences with her I find it hard to trust anything she says??? Oh well I still need to earn money so best get on with it until I find something else, lol.

I've had this horrible cough that I can't seem to shift for over two weeks now, do you think I should go and see the doc???  Daniel has it as well I think I'm more worried about him than I am about myself. The first day of the school holidays I decided to have a massive clean up and guess what I shouldn't have bothered the place is a mess again, lol. Jon is off now for the next two weeks so I'll be busier than ever so looks like I'll have to catch up with you all when I can.  Hope you are all having a good week, take care.

It all started on Friday morning I wasn't expecting anything out of the ordinary and a mum came up to me with her daughter and she asked me if I was working today (friday) and I said 'no' and she said her daughter loved it on the days I was there and all she does is talk about me.  I soooo needed that boost to my low self esteem.  Then I went into school for our book reading meeting and we got chatting with the teachers and I mentioned that it was so hard to get a TA job and one of the mum who already had a TA qualification said she was finding it hard to get a job as a TA, too, and one of the teachers who knows I help out in reception said she thinks I would make a lovely TA because I'm always smiling and the children love me. My ego got so big it's a wonder I managed to get out the door, lol.  Then later one of the little boys in my class lost his mum at home time and I helped him find her, and it just took that small incident to remind me who I am.

Then today when I was at work I got asked if I could do a few extra hours on Monday, well that got rid of the paranoia for good.  Funny how a few small things can make such a big difference.  I think we all need to feel needed and for us caring and being cared for is the essential part of being human.  I can find it does me just as much good caring for someone else as it does when someone cares for me.  Does that make sense? 

Only three more days till the school holidays, can't wait, got so much stuff that I want to do just hope I get to do it all.  Have a great 6 weeks off and thank you to everyone that has helped me through these last few days.

Do you ever ask yourself what is the point to your existence??  or Do  you ever ask yourself where am I supposed to be going?? or Am I doing things right or wrong??

Recently I've been driving myself insane by asking myself questions I can't seem to answer.  I keep imagining that people don't like me, this could be my imagination or I could be right but I just don't know...........What a mess.........we all try hard to survive to get by day to day to earn enough money to keep a roof over our heads and food in our stomachs.  Yes I know that in our western economy we have a tad more than people in third world countries but we are still all doing the same thing, surviving.   Recently surviving has got a lot harder with the economy gradually slipping into recession and I'm scared, it's harder to get a job so what happens if you lose the one you've got.  I know I'm being silly because I'm worrying about something that hasn't happened yet but I still can't stop worrying.

I went for my interview for the TA course and really enjoyed it and I was assured that I will definately be starting the course in September.  It inspired me to believe in my dream again and it really helped me stop feeling sorry for myself because I hadn't had any luck getting any jobs. The best bit was I didn't have to pay the course fees till September, YAY!!!  Then I get a phone call from work to say they need me tomorrow due to lack of staff, so that helped by knowing I'm earning and because it made me feel needed. So not a bad day compared to yesterday well I suppose with every bad day there must be a good one, so about time, LOL. 

Hope you have all had a good day today.  

Other than minti I have another place I go to vent about things and listen to other people vent which really makes me laugh and not feel alone.  The place is the BBC news ' Have your Say' website, it's great fun and good for a laugh especially if you feel like venting about the stuff in the news.

Well this is how my morning started and this is how my day is ending.  My baby rabbit went to the vets this morning for his VHD injection and I was concerned about his teeth which seemed really long and he was having problems eating, the vet informed me that his teeth may need to be removed otherwise I will have to have them cut short every two weeks because his teeth are misaligned and will not naturally wear down.  That was the straw that broke the camel's back, for me,  not sure if I'm upset about the cost of the operation or the operation itself but nothing seems to be going right.  Got a letter from one of the schools I applied for and they told me I didn't make the short list for interviews   Then the school rang to say Daniel wasn't not well and complaining of ear ache, strangely enough, as soon as we got home he seems to be fine.

Well the day isn't over yet, think I'll go hide under the duvet till it is, lol.

Trying so hard to not get annoyed, haven't heard from any of the TA jobs I've applied for, I knew it would be tough, but not this tough.  Not even an interview, it is so heart breaking and yes I am having doubts about whether this will ever work.  Getting so desperate about earning money I am considering maybe selling my organs, lol.  Sorry just had to get that out.  The economic climate is not at it's best and with prices continually going up I am starting to pull my hair out. I'm sure that everyone is probably all in the same boat. 

I am still missing my counsillor but I think I have got over the cold turkey phase and have stopped being so depressed.  Had some of my youngest (Daniel) school friends over and I didn't realise how much hard work it is looking after 5 year olds.  They are constantly on the go and wanting to look at everything, play with everything and do everything.  Think I'll take a break from inviting them over until they are 7 years old, LOL.

Other than that not much else happening, my eldest has gone back to being lazy, and not even poking him with a hot poker is going to change him.  Reckon I have to find my prodigy elsewhere, LOL.

Hope you are all ok and sending you all my love xxxxxxxxxx

I have worked out these last few days due to certain upsetting experiences that I try to fit in and want to be loved by everyone.  I need to learn to accept that this will never happen even though there may be a few people who will like me for who I am, not everyone will.  I always remember even as a child I always tried to fit in and would get really upset by school life because everyone was so different and we all just didn't get along.  I think I still have that same hang up even now and I seriously need to deal with it.  Wish me luck.