I am a 35 y.o. single gay male (though most people seem to think that I am not because I am quite straight acting). I have an older sister and an older brother. Being the youngest in the family has its problems. I have two Jack Russell’s who essentially are my children, though I have been in a gay relationship which has had two children.

I came out when I was about 19 years old, after having a major emotional breakdown. In fact I had two breakdowns over three years. It took me a while to recover from this - mixed in with a few broken hearts. I did manage to recover my life and did a lot of self help and self development to put my life back together functionally. My counselor called it ' differentiation of self from the family of origin' and after about a year of cognitive therapy life began to change for the better. I was glad that I came out because life would be very different if I did not. I had a girlfriend at the age of 16 and I am sure that we would have got married eventually.

My previous male partner, a school teacher, had two young girls from his previous marriage and I was Dad number 2. This relationship ended after three years because my partner carried with him baggage from his dysfunctional marriage and because he was coming out his children become victims to a selfish and childish egocentric attitude. It was time for HIM after 10 years of emotional abuse in his marriage, and so his kid’s needs were not a priority. I could not stand to see him destroy his children's emotional needs because of his behavior so I left the relationship. It is not wrong to be gay and it is not wrong to have children in a gay relationship - but it is wrong to put your needs before your developing children, even if your marriage is failing.

I think it would be better to separate from your marriage and set up a life of your own before taking on a gay lover. Shielding young children from this aspect of your life until you are stable is important and to have a separate and secure gay relationship that does not effect the needs of your children, and gradually introduce the children to this over time when they are old enough to understand. Get your own issues sorted out before committing to a full time gay relationship. Be wary of how your kid’s emotional needs can be neglected at a time when you are very emotionally raw, vulnerable and fragile. Your kids will sense your emotional vacuum and will sub consciously behave in a way that can leave then open and exposed emotionally themselves.

It’s ok to come out - there is nothing wrong with that. It’s just the way you do it is the real issue. Separation and divorce is hard enough without making your kids the scape goat and making them try to come to terms with your sexuality overnight. Heck – you have to come to terms with your own sexuality first before expecting your kids to adapt, however resilient you may think they are… They are just kids after all…

I have dealt with this in life and so I know what can happen. I am just glad that I was self aware enough (from my own emotional trauma, counseling and healing) to see the dynamics of this and to take action early. My previous partner lacked insight and I tried to help him. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Thought heartbroken there was nothing that I could do to help those two little girls who may grow up either very strong and well adjusted if they survive their fathers denial, or on the other hand very emotionally damaged and codependent, not being able to resolve their own issues and so handing them on to their own kids, or even being closeted gay parents in a dysfunctional marriage - leading a double life.

If I thought I had a stable enough gay partner - the right one - and if I was financially secure enough to do so - I would consider having kids or adopting kids. I do worry about the state of the world though because I am not sure if I would want my kids to grow up in a world that is essentially unstable by nature of its politics.

RE: ADULT TEMPER TANTURMS
I think I have a mother that is a sociopath who needs awakening and insight - she has been a bad parent emotionally for me, but a good mother in providing for her kids.

My father passed away about 4 years ago (he was emotionally absent in my life) and so my 68 year old mother is now a widow. At the moment she is very able bodied and active, though recovering from a grief and a huge loss in her life both financially and emotionally. My father died from bone cancer and was self employed so when he died so did the business and all the family assets were dissolved. I was fortunate as I was not linked to the business; however my brother and sister were not so lucky.

Essentially with no retirement plan Mum has had to face the prospect of starting a new life from scratch at the age of 68 with nothing. She has been in my care to some extent for the last few years and I seem to be taking on the role of the responsible parent now. We have a temporary living arrangement and I will soon be moving to a new house that I have built all of my own efforts. I initially offered to have her come and live with me for a short time while state housing finds her a place of her own but her personality is very toxic and she is still very angry with life at the moment. I find myself feeling anger towards her because she does not want to deal with a lot of issues and repeats a lot of dysfunctional behavior which I call a 'control drama'. There is a lot that is dragged up from my childhood which I would rather leave in the past as I have moved on in life.

Unfortunately her adult tantrums have been a regular thing with her over the last two years and so it has been very difficult to be happy around her. She has a very strong control drama and commands respect, however does not show mutual respect or even empathy. She does not want to share in my happiness and would rather steal it away I feel.

As a 35 year old male I find it very difficult to deal with her, though I have tried to help her as much as possible. Her lack of insight into the way she has affected us as children (and as adults) is deeply disturbing, however there had been very little I can do to change this but I am constantly subject to it. I find the need to retreat and stay at a safe distance out of harms way. In fact all our family is subject to this sociopathic behavior, which comes in waves of control. Then when questioned she tends to have adult tantrums which have no solution - and everyone gets upset. There is no compromise either.

I have had a difficult upbringing but have arrived at a place in life where I am a more complete stable person and have a good deal of insight into myself, life and its problems. It’s taken a decade to do this however. It puts me in a place where I can help other people which is nice sometimes.

It’s a big world out there and with a lot of different types of people. One thing I do know is that my family was dysfunctional, though that is not the reason I am gay (I am sure that it has had some environmental influence over me as a person though). I just hope that the world becomes more accepting of people and embraces the unique qualities of every person as being a creative and productive member in society. When in denial sometimes the people we hate the most are reflections of ourselves. We need to learn more about self love in life so that we can love others in return. This includes the functional love we give to children. More tolerance can only make for peace and a better society. I hope that someone out there gets the message and learns something from what I have been through.

LOOK - LISTEN - LEARN - LIVE - LOVE

SIMPLIFY - SIMPLIFY - SIMPLIFY!

That is my motto in life... :o)