I had a fantastic session with my counsellor today
Lots to take on board but the main points are these :

1) She recommends I have no contact at all with him, she thinks my input is actually putting Daniel under greater strain because of his fear whenever I do have to contact with his dad. So let Daniel take the lead role with this. She also thinks that when his dad keeps letting him down with times etc, its good for Daniel to actually see it rather than me protecting Daniel from it. Not to make a big deal of anything regarding Daniel but be matter of fact

2) She believes I am 100% sane YAY!!! This is always important to hear, when I get so paranoid I lose my perspective and panic over react to everything, which leads me to questioning my mental state, but she assures me this is the depression, I am definitely not losing the plot. Its just that my life is stretched out like an elastic band trying to keep everything together and every so often the elastic gives too much.......

3) Apparently some abuse victims have to see off the side effects much like an addict. The example she gave me was that of an heroin addict, it can kill you, its not good for you but you can't stop once you start, I am in the place where I am so used to the feeling of being controlled that I can't give it up even though i know it can kill me and is no good for me. The solution is to go cold turkey. So now I am going to do a kind of star chart for each 1/3 of the day (morning, afternoon and evening) that I can get through without discussing some aspect of -x I have got all my family prepared to stop me if I discuss him. the counsellor thinks I need to do this kind of way as a constant reminder that he is no longer part of my life.

4) She thinks the reason that I lament and stumble over the loss of the friends that didn't stick with me is because I kind of gave my life a big clear out, got rid of ALL the rubbish but am not camping in this empty shell, I didn't replace the old friends, coffee mornings and socialising generally with anything new. So she is encouraging me to find something I enjoy doing, perhaps creative writing and join some kind of course, so I have an incentive in my life doing something I enjoy and meeting likewise people too, so that once again I have friends I can meet up with

5) Another great point was that I should look calmly at each event as it happens and work out if any of the situation is actually my problem or someone elses. In harsh terms if Daniel gets stood up by his dad, its not my problem its something that Daniel and his dad have to sort, my only involvement is to show Daniel how much I love him

6) One time she really gobsmacked me !!!!  We were talking about how I imagine I am fighting a mythical monster as he only shows everyone else his nice side. I got a bit upset and so followed her lead with the conversation as she asked me about my job at school.  She asked if I got on with everyone else on the team which I do, she asked if I was unlucky enough to have someone on the team who only works hard when the headteacher is about. I replied laughing because yes there is someone like that. She asked me why I don't go to the Headteacher and warn her about this lazy worker and tell her to keep a watch on her because she is a shirker and takes credit for work the rest of us are doing ?????? I was like ???????? I wouldn't do that !!!!!!!!!!!! She asked if we are all hoping she gets caught out one day, I replied that I hadn't given it a lot of thought, I didnt have much to do with her and I got on really well with all the others who also think she is lazy and ignore her.
Thats when she said, this is how I should be with -x
Why do I care if he is putting on an act to everyone else, he is nothing to me, I don't have to mix with him, I just need to do what I have to do and only socialise with those I get along with
I immediately saw what she was getting at !!!!!!!

Short term she is advising I go back to the Domestic Violence workshops that the group she is employed by, which I am happy to do, I realise I need the support from  others who understand my same irrational thoughts and fears.
She also thinks I need to see a Psychologist and get professional counselling to shut down and re start my way of thinking,
she wants me to stop looking for the bad in everyone
she wants me to stop being nervous of any bad atmosphere around me
she wants me to start accepting things as they are good or bad and stop waiting for it all to go wrong

We discussed my thomas and how I was proud of him and its like he has dealt with all the bad things and put it in a box and doesn't care about it anymore, she says that I did well putting all my "bagage" in my box but I keep lifting the lid to see if it still hurts!!!! Much like picking an old scab, never allowing time to heal the wound, so each time I pick the scab the wound gets deeper and more likely to turn septic

I feel really good tonight
Now I have to put all this into practice, as you know I am always good at the theory but physically putting it into action is where I always flunk !!!!!

I know that I will likely have more bad times, but she has taught me today to make the good times count

So tonight the boys and I are going to relax and play some board games together, 

Thanks for all the wonderful support over the last couple of weeks on here