What you've written is so familiar.  Even with my BF, at times when he gets angry I've feared that he would hit me.  I know he never has and I know he has assured me that he never would.  But I just have that association now between anger and getting hit.  And it's hard to make go away.   It's like you have to break that old association before you can build up a new one. 

I truly am proud of you, sweetie.  I can only imagine how tough a week it's been for you, but you're still working on stuff and healing and finding new ways to deal with old hurts.    You certainly deserve to be forgiven - but sometimes forgiving yourself is so hard!! It means relating to yourself in a new way.  Not holding on to the blame you've put on yourself and accepting there is a new life ahead of you.

*big hugs* hope all is going okay in your world.

always here for you Helen...........thinking of you  Sandra xxx

P.S. and don't say you are not powerful.  I have watched you for a while and I understand what you are going through. The power you have is real.  Many never make the break,many never question why. Many are too broken to piece back together any life. You have so much life in you and it will be wonderful when you are healed enough to be proud of yourself,I am. YES!!!  A powerful woman.

Hello Dear Helen.  I see you as a seed.  You got the wrong start,didn't decide where you fell and got covered. Didn't see the light,couldn't as staying viable took all you had. But now the deep desire for the sun to shine on your face and the desire to provide so much better than you had for your children is driving you. You are climbing up through all the rubbish. It is you that is driving the rise and it is a prue rise powered by the love of your children and you need to add their Mother into it all.  Think of what you did do,protected your children,think of what you will do..always be there for them. You are a powerful Lady and your rise is wonderful.

sending you my hugs and love Helen.

 Thinking of you! It´s only 3 1/2 months till we come over!!!!!

The truth is that we don't always have all the answers when we need them.........sometimes we have to go through what seems like hell to learn the most valuable life lessons, but in the end we are stronger for it.

After we've hit rock bottom, the only way is up.............and sometimes the only way up is to hit rock bottom first.

Just think about this.......If you had tried to stop things at there worst, what would have happened? You have to remind yourself that you are alive and safe and on your way to healing what someone else broke..........you didn't do this to yourself and nor did you ask for it.

Thinking of you always..........

Amanda xxxx

HI Helen,

Forgiving yourself has to be the next step.  Once you can forgive yourself for letting things get as bad as they did, then you will find so much inner strength and see the world in a new light.

I've not been through what you have been, but I can still understand.  I know that in times of need, we have to forget ourselves for a while and focus on our famillies, but there comes a day when we have to work through how it all affected us at the time. 

One baby step at a time, deal with each issue separately and keep telling yourself that you can do anything you put your mind to, you just have to let go of the subconcious 'comforts' and step out of your comfort zones.

Life is cruel, a practical joke at times, but we can't let the actions of others rule us.  You did what you did and put up with all the rubbish because you are such a wonderful person.  The truth is, you are the stronger person and you have to believe that!

Glad you have such understanding children, use their forgiveness and strength to find your own.  And keep letting us know how  you are going, you have grown so much over the last few months and I am proud of you!

Thinking of you and hoping that you can find it in yourself to forgive me for being so damned practical at times.

Hi Helen,

As you know, I have walked in your shoes. At times reading your blogs I have seen a almost mirror reflection. I have asked myself the why's and what ifs?. And I have also been very angry at myself for ALLOWING things to happen. I have also been down that road. So where did it lead to?

I realised that I could treat myself like I would my best friend. Best friends forgive each other. I could be kind to myself. I could tell myself  its ok not to be perfect. That we deal with things the only way we know how at the time. That my only mistake was putting others before me. Not too bad considering other so called faults. Love yourself like your best friend does, unconditionally.

I'm not trying to tell you how to feel. These are just some thoughts of mine as i went through the same thing.

My heart goes out to you, Cath xxxx

What a grotty week! Glad you're still lurking about. Take your time - sounds like you're slowly surfacing again. Dont rush yourself and please dont be so rough on yourself - you've been through a lot and it's going to take a horribly long time to heal from it, but it is possible - all things are possible! And at least the depression didnt get a grip on you this week! I guess that trusting people who are trustworthy is something worth praying about - that would be quite a miracle, wouldnt it? You're in my prayers, Helen.

Hi Helen

It's great to hear you again I can't explain how excited I felt when I saw your reply.  I can understand that you need to gather your thoughts so you can put things straight for your own peace of mind.  I wish I could wipe away all the memories that have hurt you but I know it's not that easy and our experiences can scar us for life.  Don't be too hard on yourself, you've been through so much and you have survived and I think you're great, wonderful and beautiful and I love you, for being you.  

Take care sweetie and I'm always thinking of you if you ever want to chat just give me a shout. Love Maria xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 

hello dear helen

i am thinking of you going through this and what a wonderfull daughter you have been there with you . but she is your daughter so of course she will be wonderfull just like you are wonderfull

love ya

belxxxx

Taking the tough road of doing it on your own hey?? I remember doing that too. Helen, always, ALWAYS remember that everytihng you need is inside you but sometimes it takes someone else to make it shine. I have in inkling I know what is too personal to talk about.... I understand 100% but you already know that. It may be tough road that you're going down but it also can be the most rewarding. No one is expecting you to suddenly be fine, it's gonna take time but it's worth it in the end. Time for you to begin finding that new version of you, one steap at a time!

love yam

fi oxoxo

P.S thank you so much for the lovely email. I know I'm slack in responding and I am so sorry. You're going to be an Aunty to one special little bun and I'm going to make sure that this bun knows all about Aunty Helen and just how fab she is!

I think it's great you are trying so hard to work through this. It must be very hard on all fronts. That kind of long term unhealthy relationship is not going to be something you get past quickly. (As if you don't know that! :)) Especially when it's been about trust, that is SO hard to get over and regain for humanity in general. I mean, c'mon, how can you just say "Okay, I'm going to trust everyone!" when you had someone you thought you loved (I assume you did at some point! ;)) treating you terribly. For decades.

I think you're doing the right thing working on it yourself, because only you can get through this. That's great you have family that's there for you, but to really figure things out... it's got to be you, right?

Good luck! I hope you feel better and things start to look brighter soon!

Hi Helen, I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better.  I know for my mom, she went thru something similar.  It was not anywhere near what you had to endure, but it was bad for her enough.  I think it's very admirable of you to be able to be so honest with your self and your family.  Not to comprimise who you are or what you need and to work thru your feelings and thoughts on your own time, in your own comfort, as many of us sometimes do.  I'm glad to see you here and again, I hope that you continue to feel better.  With all my love, thoughts and prayers!

Lots of Love,

Letti