So today, I had the Social Worker around to assess if she thinks the boys need counselling, I decided after all the opposition from the ex I would go the proper way so nothing could be thrown back at me. She spoke to me first, then spoke to the boys, I was told I could stay as she spoke to the boys but I explained that I would rather not be there as then 'he' can't say I put the boys under any pressure and I could not influence in any way what they were saying. Well almost two hours later, the verdict was that yes my boys need counselling and the group she recommends was ....... wait for it, the group I had them on the list with before ex intervened saying they would be biased !!!

She is going to put in a report and INFORM ex that the boys WILL be receiving counselling and who she recommends, boy would I love to be a fly on the wall She asked if it would be ok to talk to him on the phone, I assured her he would be perfectly charming as ever...to everyone bar me. But she said don't worry Men like that usually are, from what I had told her and it seems the boys were quite open too, she is one person that I believe won't be taken in.

As for my experiment with the boys having no contact last weekend with their dad to get rested. I can only say it worked better than I ever imagined. They are so happy and laughing all the time. My eldest the charmer, made a lovely cup of tea for myself and the social worker, she thought the boys were lovely.

She thought the whole situation was a complete mess, as in me and ex not speaking as I am so terrified of him, my oldest son not talking to me, his sister, grandparents and uncles, my daughter not speaking to her 'dad' she will go mad if she read this and see I have put the word 'DAD' or her brother, the two younger boys being pulled and used by their dad and older brother, my parents trying to pick up the pieces but being ridiculed and black listed by ex and eldest grandchild. It just is horrendous. She asked me what would I like if she had a magic wand. I said, a divorce, him to leave me alone and my children to all be happy and secure without feeling torn in half!! i think thats fair and surely i'm not asking for too much

Well it was touch and go for a while but the boys are still here with me
I told their dad last Friday that the boys had decided they did not want to see him this weekend, they are struggling and needed a break from all the tension.
I have waiting all week for the reaction and been quietly terrified as to what he would do. I did have a waspish email from my oldest son saying I was wrecking the boys lives but the boys are happy, content and relaxed so I didn't even answer, things tough enough with my oldest without getting into an email war!
All week the boys have checked each night that they don't HAVE to see their dad, I assured them it was always their choice, they have been getting more and more jittery as he was before last weekend ringing them most nights, but this week they have had no contact at all, so they are assuming he is really angry with them and frightened each time the phone rang ( I recognised this now for what it is, mind controlling games, designed to intimidate without doing anything)
So after returning from work this lunchtime I find a solicitors letter, informing me that my ex will be at the house at 5pm to collect the boys and if I refuse he will take me to court to get a contact order in place. I called my solicitor and informed her that the boys had said only that morning that they still didn't want to see him and please make sure I got them from school in case he turned up, I told her I wasn't worried about the court threat (yeah rite) so he was not having the boys this weekend.
I collected 13 year old from school at 3pm and took him straight to my parents, he was no fool and reacted with the words, he still going to make me isn't he!!! i assured him that he could not be made to go, he was only going if he wanted to go, my son said no way, I hate him I made my decision why won't he leave me alone, at 4.20 I collected my youngest from his Rugby Club after school, my dad volunteered to come with me bless him, and we brought my youngest back to my parents too. The youngest also cottoned on and was very scared, thinking his dad would grab him and force him to go!!!
I rang my solicitor at 4.45pm who said everything was fine, he had decided that he was going to ALLOW the boys to miss this weekend with him, but wanted me to know how very hurt and upset he was!!!!! Apparently he hasn't contacted boys all week so as not to put pressure on them!!!!
This evening he rang the boys, the 13 year old chatted to him, told him he loved him but just wanted a break from the tension, whilst the youngest flat out refused to speak to him.
Does this sound like boys being forced to stay with their mum cos that is what I am now accused of.
We are now locked in our own home, with keys in the doors to stop anyone putting their key in. I have a lock on my bedroom door which only I have a key to and the boys want to sleep in there with my tonight.
What a crazy way to live!!!!
Please tell me its going to get better
On a good note, the depression is holding off this time, I actually feel good and strong, just very scared and want it all to end.

Been miserable since Friday, felt like everything and everyone against me.
Hate feeling like that! But I am fighting back again now.
Its been drama after another, wot with hearing house to be re possessed as ex not been paying mortgage, then he has said he can't pay anything towards boys upkeep, Had a tyre blow out which was 'distressing'!!! Then heard that ex now barring me from taking the boys to the counsellor I had arranged as he didn't approve. Well that was the final straw for me! Since they came back from their dads Sunday evening, youngest didn't barely talk to me for 24 hours and the other has been off school since with migraine!!! I wish they didn't have to see him but they want to so wot can I do???? I would love to say he can only have them a few hours at a time but then boys upset cos they want to see more of him, I let them go but they come back screwed up? How can I break this cycle? Its killing me so who knows what it is doing to the boys.
Anyway, the counselling is going ahead, my boys need someone to talk to that they can trust and speak confidentially with, I have told ex that I won't know what is being said its between boys and counsellor but he thinks I'm hidding something. I hear he may take me to court, I don't actually fear that as my first question would be how can you find money for court but not home and food for boys??? Anyway its just a threat and I don't have to do what he says anymore!!! (Breathing slowly and deeply)

Also found out that since his business has gone bust and there is no money a brand new company has started in same building using same phone number and same secretary??????? More private detective work looks like. I don't want a penny from him, its tainted but my boys deserve their inheritance and to be looked after.
I am working two jobs so they won't go hungry or unloved. Meanwhile I had 3 solicitor letter from him today alone!!! What is the matter with him?? Why does he want to break me so badly.
Is it really all because I got away and he hates that?
Why is this happening.
Anyway he is not going to drag me down again.
Fresh start again and all that.
I deserve to live a life without fear and I am going to do exactly that!
Thanks everyone

  I am so angry today and I don't want to be, so many things running through my head I figure if i write down what is bugging me, I can then let it go????

I have once again gone through the day ducking and diving in case I see any of my one time friends or my ex, I am sick of living in this fear but still not brave enough to just hold my head up, even though my conscience is clear. Go figure. What is wrong with me, what do I care what these people think of me............ I don't understand it at all, but I do care I want to be liked and I don't want everyone to believe his lies anymore. I have had enough but have not the courage to do anything about it.

One particular 'friend' I supported her through the death of one child, the illness of another child, ok so did my ex too. She tried to stay friends with both of us but it hurt me when she would keep having him over for meals after he confessed to her some of the terrible things I had told her were true, he turned on the tears she felt sorry for him etc etc. I wrote and said I was cutting her loose as I could not bear  her being in the middle anymore, I guess I naively thought she would say no its ok I'd rather support you but no she supports him, just cos he started going back to their church. I go church on my own cos I don't trust anyone!!!

I am so angry and so let down by her. People said you would find out who your true friends are, but I really thought she was one!! It really hurts and what hurts most is that when my ex has the boys he takes them to her family house and they even saw New Year in with her!!!!! I didn't even get a call at midnight! Someone told me that the joke at the church is that she is my boys 2nd mum. OUCH!!!!!!!My boys have heard that rumour and are not happy about it but its not their fault. She is by the way happily married but I don't understand why her husband could not have supported my ex and she could have been there for me??
Sorry boys also just left with their  dad for the weekend, I have told them I am not going to call them this time, because last time I kept getting promised calls and staying up till midnight but no calls came.So part of my weekend survival is not expect contact with them then I won't be disappointed again.

Thankyou so much for your understanding and friendship. Does anyone know how long it is going to hurt like this.

the day I have been waiting for....
Today I met my daughter at Gatwick airport after her 3 month stay with my brother, sister in law, nephew and niece in Iceland, I took the boys and my Mum with me and the boys were itching to be the first to see her, we waited as the plane landed, then 40 minutes later her bags were in the hall, then suddenly she was there....
Both boys just legged it to where they weren't really allowed and launched themselves at her, she was thrilled and picked them up for a big hug, then it was my turn, she is so gorgeous we had a lovely huge hug and she did the same to her nan.
Half an hour later we were driving down the motorway with R & B music blaring and her dancing around in her seat, singing to the music, with ever 30 seconds she would turn off the music with another story to tell us. Aaaaah it was great.
When we got back we had decorated the front room with banners, balloons and streamers, her grandad was waiting to see her and we all enjoyed a slice of her "Home Coming" cake.
Chaos is once more restored to my home and I wouldn't change a thing.

Well I did it I survived the few days without my boys. They are back now but its been a hard weekend, with lots of promises of phone calls only for none to come and me to be sitting by the phone till midnight, patiently waiting. He must be having such a good laugh at me, when he has the boys.
In the end I actually moved back in with my parents, they are so good. I got waited on hand and foot yet when I wanted a cry they were there for that too.
Looks like my new year is going to continue the same way as it ended. My ex seems to have no intention of leaving the area. My friend in Perth, Australia wants to buy me and my two boys one way tickets to her, if only life were that simple. If it were I'd be sitting at the airport now waiting to board. The boys have come home telling me that their dad now wants to start seeing them midweek too,I'm  not sure what happens from here, I cannot carry on living in this county knowing he is so close, I haven't slept properly since finding out he was close on Christmas Eve. I'm so scared I'm going to be ill again like last year. I just don't understand why he can have everyone feeling sorry for him as he tells them how much he loves me and wants me back, yet he is treating me bad or threatening me or scaring me. Why can't they see, or at the very least start believing me!
At least in 3 days my daughter is back home from Iceland, boy do I need her, although I am worried as she says she won't rest until she has got him out of my life! She means well but he really isn't worth it.
I cannot wait to see her I have missed her so much. I talk to her on MSN every night, but wow to have her home again
Boys are hard to be around tonight, its not their fault but I really don't want to see all the wonderful things they're dad has bought them this weekend, or how they spent most of the time with my old best mate and her family including New Years Eve. I barely stayed up for New Year, in the end Mum and I watched Big Ben chime then I went to bed wishing  had not bothered.
Sorry to be depressed but I feel better when its out rather than simmering inside. I love my kids so much and it just hurts so much when someone you once trusted uses them as a deadly weapon to wound you.