As I already said, yesterday we went to a Theme Park
My DD and her BF had slept over here so we got up in the morning and set off towards London, to Thorpe Park
I've added the link if anyone wants to check it out.
We had an amazing day !
I love roller coasters and so had a great time on the Nemesis Inferno and the Colossus, I admit to bottling out of the Stealth as it was way too high for my well being !!!!!!!!
There were the obvious water rides too, we loved the Tidal Wave, there is a great picture if you go to the link and search through Explore, from the options choose thrill Seekers and you get a list of the rides, Tidal Wave is on there!!!!!!
You sit on a flatboat with about 16 people the ride takes you to the top of a huge slope, you then slip down HARD onto the water, causing a Tidal Wave, YOU GET SOAKED!!!!!
The funniest bit was thought that we knew once you get off the ride you wait for another boat to come down, whilst staying under cover, and then you make your run for it, so all of us waited.......except we forgot to tell DD BF at the last minute we shouted "Take Cover" and he turned around just in time to see the giant wave hit him!!!!!! LOL I still have tummy ache from that moment of laughing!!!!!!!
He took it all in fun though and there were giant machines that you could stand in and put some coins in, it was like standing in a giant hairdryer and we soon dried off, well enough to be comfortable anyway !!!!!!!
We all went on the Nemesis roller coaster, even my 10 year old, although bless him he did the whole ride each time with his eyes shut!!!!!
He refused to go on the Colossus though, so he queued up with us then waited with an attendant whilst we enjoyed the ride, this one was a series of loops and twists, quite a bit of it, you actually ride upside down !!!!!
We Loved It!!!!!
Eventually we made our way to the side shows, where my DD was able to do a lovely little pout, until her BF won a couple of large soft toys for her !!!!! She is such a bounder!!!! LOL
It was an amazing day out, we all had a great time and loved every second of it
of course I do have some pics......
This was taken to show how wet they all are after the Tidal Wave, they had actually been in the dryer before this!!!!!! They are all messing around to see how is the tallest!!!!!! My DD is actually 5 foot 8!!!!!! Which shows how tall her BF has to be !!!
These pics are us all on the River Ride
Colossus whilst we were in Queue Under it
Here is DD and BF about to go on Nemesis, I did try and take the boys and me on it, but the boys were almost hyper ventilating at me messing with pics as the ride was about to start.... Bless!!!!!!!

My daughter and her BF have been staying with us the last couple of days and I must tell you about the fun we had last night altogether
As you know I am a complete CSI addict, so my boys have watched some episodes too, the youngest saved his pocket money and bought a CSI Fingerprint Kit and was anxious to play with it.
So we had a "Whodunnit! evening
Talk about laugh !!!!
My daughter took youngest and applied a beard and tash make up so he was in the role to play Gil Grissom, daughter played Catherine, 13 year old was Captain Jim Brass, DD BF was the murdered victim and I was the murderer
We laughed all evening as everyone got in their roles, except me as I couldn't stop laughing, even daughter BF was quiet for the first time since we have known him As for daughter and sons, they were so into the roles they were scary!!!!!
I was about to confess to anything !!!!!!!!!
Anyway we had fun and I though I'd share some pics

Yesterday we went to Longleat Safari Park
The boys counsellor gave me and the boys free tickets (pretty amazing!!!)  and my parents came along and paid at the gate
We have been there a few times but not recently last time the boys were a lot younger so it was definitely like seeing it all again through fresh eyes
My youngest has always had a fascination with giraffes, from as far back as I can remember her has always loved them, so one of his highlights was to be at the giraffe enclosure only to find they were way over the side, he was disappointed so I promised I would stop the car right next to where they were as we drove around. We had a walk around and were teasing him that the giraffes would soon come over when they realised he was here, to our delight a few minutes later they all started walking back our way, you can see from the pics below how pleased he was!!!!
We saw some great moments, for instance the rhinos were right by the side of the road and one crossed right in front of our car, stopped by the camels and one looked right in the window
We didn't drive through the monkey enclosure as I was driving my dads car and its nice and new!!!!!!!
My 13 year old loves Lions, so driving through the Lion enclosure was his turn to be excited, there they were all lying around and there was a couple of young cubs wrestling there too.
my favourite has always been the tigers, but I was a bit disappointed as they were right in the corner so only got a glimpse of them
After parking up we walked to the Safari Boats and took a boat trip around Gorilla Island with the sea lions swimming alongside the boat. Everytime i have been previously the gorilla has been sitting down staring and not moving, but this time was a huge bonus as he ran the length of the island seeing the sea lions off his island!!!! Very impressive
That was the highlights of the day anyway, we saw lots more.
Ended the day with a Fish and Chip supper at home !!! Yummy
Hope you like the pics

I am loving these school holidays
We have been out and about most of the week hence why i've only been on here briefly lately
Yesterday we drove down to see my DD
We did a bit of shopping, then went to the harbour and looked around all the ships, also went to where there are lots of historical tall ships, we had an amazing time walking around them imagining we were in scenes of Pirates of the Caribbean, no doubt lots of those watching thought we were totally crazy, It was so cold though that was the only downside.
We then went to an outlet place and did a bit more shopping, before ending up at Burger King for a meal
So funny as we finished on the meal and I needed the loo so 10 year old came with me and went to the gents, and I told him to wait outside for me, whilst in one of the two cubicles, someone came into the next cubicle and made a lot of noise, throwing their coat on the floor!!!! (Yuk) etc then I could hear them having trouble as they were grunting away
As I was washing my hands, in came my DD in a LOUD voice saying, D  says a man came in here!!!!!!! To which we both ran out giggling
We sat back at our table and decided to wait and see if D  was right, we were loudly talking about how I had heard the person grunting and groaning etc!!!!!!
Eventually the door leading to the passage for the toilets opened and a man stepped through, at which point Daniel starts saying thats him, he went into the ladies !!!!
He stopped at the table beside us where his wife was waiting and we heard him say, I went to the wrong one, I was sat on the toilet and a lady came in shouting " A man came in here!!!"
To which we all burst out laughing and had to leave before we were thrown out!!!!!!!!
We then went to the beach (Yes I know, I was f r e e z i n g !!!) and we watched the Hovercraft docking and setting off again, in the darkness whilst playing word games on the beach
Crazy Day but brilliant
Here are some pics of it

....I had something for my daughter
Perfect timing as she was coming for a quick visit anyway
I was a tad nervous of giving it to her as I recognised the writing immediately
SO DID SHE
It was a birthday card from her "donor" (she totally kicks off if I refer to him as her dad!!!!)
it said to A Love Dad
Also written was that he thinks about her everyday
Her birthday is 20th November not October!!!!!!!!

Before you all think I am a bitch and should give him a break for the fact that he tried, then this is the same man who a few weeks ago told his sons (her brothers) he has no daughter!!!
Also my daughter is a birthday freak !!!!
At any day of the year she knows how many days until her birthday, even the day after her birthday she goes around saying its 364 days till her birthday!!!!!
No one is allowed to forget her birthday, on every calendar since she has been able to hold a pen she has written
My Birthday, My birthday Eve!! Week before my birthday, week after my birthday, month before my birthday, month after my birthday etc etc etc
She is 20 NEXT month and it is still a daily countdown for her

Today I took my dad with me and had a meeting with my solicitor where she had all the paperwork ready for me to sign agreeing to the financial settlement of the divorce
People keep telling me I will be sad to see everything written out, but I honestly wasn't, I KNOW I am none of the things he has said I am, I have settled for far less than I am entitled, I have gone for a clean break, I have asked for no maintenance money for myself only the pittance he gives towards the two boys. And all I feel right now is pride that I have proved to the courts that this man was an abuser and I only want what is best for the boys.
I already proved to the Judge once that it was an abusive marriage, to get my decree nisi, the Judge concluded that no one could be expected to live in the circumstances I had been living.
So I am not sad at all, just relieved that I am almost there and have kept my sanity and dignity throughout.

the only bad thing for me is I seem to have developed a paranoia of Ambulances!!!!!
Now I know he has finished his training so is driving around in an Ambulance, I get a panic attack every time I see one, such is my paranoia that I think he has circulated my registration, because I was followed twice today by an ambulance and both times the ambulance kept too far away for me to see the driver or if anyone else was there
i did mention it to solicitor though and she wants me to keep dates of when I am followed
Getting closer to the end or will it never stop ????

This evening I answered the phone and all I heard was my eldest son on the other hand asking for T !!!!!
I panicked a bit as I am just so scared of doing the wrong thing, so said I would call T and handed over the phone
Turns out my eldest was at a big sporting event that he knew my younger sons would be keen on, even if it was only to brag to them, its kinda good that he rang them.
Anyway I couldn't stand him being on the phone so I loudly said to T,
"can you tell him I say Hi"
I listened to the message being relayed and my reward was a message back " He says Hi back"

Ok so I know I am clutching at straws here, but it is something isn't it

Its all so confusing, I honestly hate what he has done, I hate how he has hurt so many people, I hate that he believes the lies about me, although my brothers have a theory that maybe its easier for him to think of me as a liar, otherwise he would have to deal with the guilt of why he didn't help me???? I don't know. I get scared sometimes thinking Do I still love him ? I think I do but its nothing like the love I have for my daughter and younger sons, and then I feel guilty on top of that for the way my love for him is changing.

Then I talk to my daughter and she says how she can never forgive him and will fall out with me if I ever forgive him, but I know that is just her hurting for what he has put her through. I tell her, I will never turn my back on any of my children and she should never expect me to do otherwise, but at the same time my daughter has kept me strong and been there every step of this awful journey I wouldn't ever jeopardise my relationship with her.

ooooohhhhh my head is spinning, I think I need to get some sleep and stop thinking

My daughter hasn't been feeling too well lately so on Saturday I kidnapped her !!!!!!! LOL
Seriously though, I just said she needed "Mum" drove down, picked her up, as always her BF was invited to come along but this time he already had something on and from the amount of time they spent on the phone.........they definitely missed each other LOL
Anyway, it was great to have her here for a while, even though she is exhasted and needed a break and some pampering from "Mummy" course I have had a lovely few days taking care of her
Her first night she said it would be fun if we all camped down in the lounge, I declined, I know wet blanket who likes her own bed, but also I thought it would be nice for her to have some time with her brothers and they too needed to have fun with the big sister they adore, don't think they got a lot of sleep watching dvd's but it was great that the three of them were able to laugh and relax together.
Sunday we had a lazy day, I went up to work at the hospital as usual leaving the boys in the capable hands of my daughter still watching dvd's !!!!!! In the afternoon as I was cooking a big roast we also spent time playing card games the four of us, I swear I was crying with laughter at some of the games we played, in fact we all were. That evening, after my daughter and I (also addicted to CSI !!!)  had watched a couple of episodes,  DD decided it was time for another game.........
So we played wink murder with a difference................ I was the murderer, youngest was the victim and DD and 13 yr son  were the Crime Scene Investigators. It seems daughter and 13 year old already had worked out their game plan, as I acted out the murder, 13 year old rugby tackled me to the ground, arrested me and with food bags on DD and T hands as gloves !!!!!! They decided to process me complete with tweezers to pull out a hair for DNA !!!! Corkscrew to see if any tissue under my finger nails LOL and so it went on
I guess this must sound a little weird, but honestly it was so funny............
After the boys went to bed, DD and I stayed up until 1am watching CSI and having good gossip, I then went to bed, DD opted again to sleep downstairs, one of the boys woke for the loo at 5am and DD texted me saying "What is going on up there!!!!" I thought stuff it who needs sleep when I got my DD here and I knew she was going back today, so I came downstairs and we sat up chatting sharing her duvet. Seems she had watched so many CSI episodes that hearing the footprints of one of the boys going to the bathroom had freaked her out LMAO !!!!!
Of course she hadn't slept either, both my DD and bonkers BF seem to be incapable of sleeping without the other one there, so they were texting each other all night............
So she had to go today
She was here all day, sleeping all morning LOL then went to visit her grandparents whilst I went to work, after collecting the boys from school, I drove her back home to someone one was very pleased to see her..............
Lovely to witness true love when it is something you haven't ever experienced for yourself
By the way have I ever told you I love my daughter
The four of us having a "mad moment" LOL
DD and her BF messing around !!!!! AGAIN LOL

Last night my youngest and I sat at the computer and D compiled an email to his dad, telling him how he was upset about last weekend etc D also wrote to his dad that he was going to get  me to also email him, so that his dad knew he meant it. I then also sat an wrote an email to EX underlining what D had told me about the weekend, I then stressed that in the future, any time he had something planned he had to give D the choice of coming back home to me.
D had his response today
His dad has sent an email saying :

"In future I will not leave you again when you are with me, it seems to be that you say one thing to me and another to your Mum.
Love dad"

Yep thats it, end of email, nothing else, not apology for upsetting his son, no mention of how he loves him etc

I just don't believe it

on Sunday evening, something happened to my electricity
All power from all my plug sockets went down, I went to the fuse box expecting to see something had tripped, but it all looked fine , fortunately the plug next to the oven in the kitchen has its own fuse so I had power from there, So I got an extension lead and we were able to get the computer running or the TV on, also I was able to keep the fridge and kettle working !!! Phew!!!
In the morning I rang the Council and reported that I needed someone to come out, on Wednesday I still hadn't heard anything so figuring I had been quite patient for the last couple of days I rang again and had a moan and was promised a visit from the electrician this morning.
So....
Electrician came.....
i told him what had happened.....
Assured him nothing had tripped......
Took him to the fusebox.......
He opened the flap.......
And said Ah I can see the problem.......

The Trip switch HAD gone
So he flicked the switch and after almost 4 days with no power apart from the main lights
Everything was back on!!!!!
How embarrassing is that

I have missed everyone
Just haven't felt up to being around on here much lately
Fact is my own children for a variety of reasons needed me more
They still need me, but my batteries are running pretty flat now so I needed some "ME" time back with my friends on here.
If there is anything mentally more exhausting than dealing with depression, then it is watching one of your own children struggle with the same affliction. I am completely exhausted, frail and hurting for them.
I will try and be about more again now, but I will apologise in advance if I take anything the wrong way, as I am HYPER sensitive. 
Is it really too much to ask to live an umcomplicated life in happiness with my children, seeing smiles on their faces, shining eyes of good health, a time when the phone ring without me dreading what is coming next  and tears on all our  faces from laughter not crying
I do so want to be brave and take control, but I am so tired.....tired of the criticism, tired of the lies, tired of the loneliness, tired of the pain, tired of the confusion, tired of the self doubt and tired of being tired.
But I will keep on, because he is not getting the better of me ever again
So I think I'm back????????
Thanks to all my amazing friends who have kept me going. You know I love ya
xxxx

Its been a pretty tough week, but most of the details are too private for my blog here, however suffice it to say that I have had a lovely weekend. (Well up to Sunday evening )
T my 13 year old made his own choices about taking a break from seeing his dad, for the moment his dad seems to have accepted that, which was weird and un nerving to say the least. My youngest D left with his dad as normal Friday about 5pm
T and I are hooked on CSI so I got a set of DVD's and some chocolate and we had a lovely evening watching episode after episode of CSI whilst stuffing on chocolate. Hmmmmmmmmmm
Saturday we had a lazy morning at home, then popped into town during the afternoon, we later took my brother to a nearby fun pool and had a blast on all the flumes and other water rides, before coming home to another late night session of CSI Hmmmmmmmm
Sunday we went to my parents church, some friends who helped us move into this home, were having their daughter dedicated so we went along to support them, it was lovely and then they brought tables of food out!!!!!!!! I am too embarrassed to list all the things I ate, but lets say it rounded off the savoury with a slice of chocolate gateau, a slice of banoffie pie and a slice of strawberry gateau. Yep I am a pig
To make matters worse, we thought it was going to be light snacks after the dedication and Mum had put a roast beef in the oven for us all!!!!!!!!! Fortunately she was able to lower the oven and we ate the roast around mid afternoon, but I was totally and utterly stuffed!!!!!!!
D was due home at 6pm, we warned T that D was likely to be hyper after having been spoilt, as a way of getting T to re think going to see him.
D arrived late at 6.15pm
D was happy and pleased to see us, he kept saying to me "Look Mum, I am calm!!!!" my brother and I exchanged looks and both said "Something's up" couldn't see what but D was just too jovial in a strange kind of way. he also looked really tired he had that heavy eyed look about him.
I asked D what he had been up to and he told me that he went to Motorcross with his dad, but quickly told me that his dad wasn't on duty, they went in a car and he had a lovely time, we were pleased for him that he said he had a great time.
On the way home (Ex always collects and drops boys off at my parents) D asked what we had done that day, T told him about going to church and all the food, to my horror D burst into tears and started shouting he was sorry !!
I asked what he was sorry about and he told me it was because he had been lying.
Turns out that D didn't go to Motorcross with his dad after all, his dad went on St John duty, my son asked to go but was told he wasn't allowed, so my son begged his dad to stay with him, again he was met with a NO
At 6am in the morning my poor D was left crying with the children of the colleague he was on duty with. D's dad came back for him at 5.40pm that evening, almost 12 hours after leaving him in the care of an 11 year old boy and a 15 year old girl
Apart from the sandwich D made for himself he hadn't eaten all day and was starving hungry.
I am so ANGRY this "man?" gives all his freetime to the community helping out at various events, treating them for all first aid matters, he is patient and kind and attentive to his patients and is hailed as a local hero for the work he does. But his own son was left in a situation he didnt want and was scared by.
As for the heavy eyed look he had.........that was a black eye after being kicked in the face by a couple of the lads playing in the street when D went to join in!!!!!!!
He told his dad when he came to pick him up and his dad (THE PARAMEDIC!!!) apparently told him it was nothing and to stop making a fuss.
By bed time last night, his eye was all puffy and it looked like he was going to have a black eye
tonight D has asked me to help him send an email to his dad saying that in the future, I am not giving permission for him to leave D anywhere that he is not staying too. I told D if his dad wants to do St John when D is with him, he can come home with me and I will allow his dad to collect him after the duty
This is the man who crys in the street that I am keeping him from his boys, this is the man who promised his boys that St John would never again come before them, this is the man who everyone loves, this is the man who is a LIAR

Only my close friends know that I have had a very bad week and so have stayed away dealing with bigger priorities
Tonight I felt okay about coming on Minti for an  hour or so.
How disappointing when it looks like there has been trouble and attacking people once again!
Why does this kind of thing continue.
I would just like to thank those of you who have emailed, messaged etc with me over the past week, I will respond to you privately, but just thank you for keeping me going this week,
Things are getting better again
i could have just done with some time on here this evening having a "show and share" but I shant stop I refuse to be dragged down to more bickering
Please all of us are parents, we want what is best for our children and that doesnt include behaving like children
Hold your children, they are truly precious and you never know their true value to you unless they are hurting and in trouble.
Please be nice to each other
I for one will be voting with my feet if this kind of bitching and putting each down continues. I am not strong enough to deal with it