I am so confused
So tired
So fed up
is this going to be my life from now on????

Today I have had a copy letter from his solicitor, not sure who is in the right anymore, to me it seems like he has totally blinded his solicitor into thinking he is a great father, or is it me that is stopping him from being there for the boys?????

Point 1
"Whilst our client confirms he is of course happy for the children to be taken to Iceland in February for a short holiday he is surprised your clent sought to discuss the proposed holiday arrangements with the children prior to notifying our client."
So now I'm thinking did I use the boys to influence him into being forced to make that decision.????
At the same time does that make sense that from now am I expected to ask him if its okay if I discuss holidays with the boys??????
Tried calling solicitor today but she was in court all day and I can't let it go until Monday, I'm already flapping.
Am I damaging the boys????

Point 2
"We understand from our client he has not seen Thomas for contact for some time and prior to last weekend he received an email from Daniel confirming he ..."had something else on..." It is imperative that the children maintain contact with their father and your clent, being the childrens main carer, use her best endeavours to encourage the chidlrens contact with our client. It is clearly important for both parties to show consideration and respect to each other especially in front of the children in order that the children feel comfortable and good relations are promoted."
At this point I am worried sick, is it out of protecting me and being worried for me that the boys are either not seeing their dad at all or seeing him only occasionally. Am I wrecking their relationship with their dad?????

He has also requested that he is able to take the boys away for four days over Easter, to Spring Harvest which is a Christian Convention, both boys immediately said No Way they don't want to go!
So what now do I convince them to go or do i respect their decision??????
Thomas says he won't be seeing his dad ever again, Daniel says he thinks his dad will probably be on First Aid duty which means he will be left in the Childrens groups all day at the Convention
He could be right, but maybe my whole opinions on what he does are distorted?????

My solicitor says she awaits my response but points out she knows I am already trying to encourage the children to make up their own mind and will tell the other solicitors that.

i don't know what to do anymore, I have lost one son, I couldn't bear to lose another because of my misdirecting them on these issues.

Youngest went with his dad this weekend, he was supposed to be collected at 4pm from his nans, we were ready at 3.50pm as he usually gets there 10 mins early, so my son waited in the rain, excited about seeing his dad after hearing nothing for a month, bar a phonecall lastnight confirming he was seeing him, ironically my 10 year old then went to the fridge, stole a bottle of beer and was going to take it to bed????????????????? Fortunately I smelt it when I went in his room and I don't think he had much, but I can't take a lot more I am so worried and frightened of doing the wrong thing by him.
Anyway at 4.10pm his dad hadn't arrived and my sons shoulders started to drop, at 4.12 I had a text that he was running late. Daniel text back what time was he going to be there. He replied that it would be 5pm at the latest. Daniel was really hurt to the point he went and lay in the dogs bed?????????? I got him out by getting him to play Pick up Sticks, everytime we heard a car he would run to the door to check. My son then got sad that his dad didn't love him enough and then finally angry with him.
His dad turned up 5.10pm
To me it was like watching mental torture live
I am scared it is going to be like this for years
Any help for where I am going wrong would be gratefully received

My youngest is so mixed up, I have watched him deteriorate over the last few days
It has slowly escalated until it went quickly downhill last night, I put him to bed as usual 8.30pm and I was apparently the worst Mum in the world for doing that, (It hurts but with children like my Son, you kinda get used to it and know they don't really mean it) I then had 3 hours of temper, shouting and objects being thrown that I had dared to put him to bed!!!!! At half  11 I went into him again and told him I had had enough, to which he said he Hated me and wanted me out of his room, I told him that I loved him, and would speak to him in the morning, where I thought it was sad that he would wake up and want to hug me and apologise. He said he wouldn't !!!!!
He was right, he woke up this morning I got him up nice and early he opened his eyes, looked at me and said "Guess What Mum......I'm not sorry!!!" I took the knife out of my back (??????figuratively of course!!!) and came downstairs, made sure I got his lunch packed and medication ready and called him for breakfast, He was vile and mouthy, sulky and downright nasty. I kept ignoring him or trying to, but in the end after chasing him around a table I did smack his bottom (something I rarely do as I don't think a smack at his age achieves anything!!!!) he was shocked, even though it wasn't hard and told me that it was times like this he knew he really did hate me
Eventually we left for school, he sat with his arms crossed facing away from me, but outside school I once again told him that he needs to remember that everytime he says he hates me then I still will say I love him!!! At this he hugged me and said he didn't know what was wrong with him and that he was sorry. I told him we would talk tonight to work hard at school and that I loved him very much.
An hour later I had a call from the school. They wanted to check that Daniel had had his medication as he was being very un cooperative and naughty and rude. I told them he had and asked to speak to Daniel, he came to the phone and I had a nice chat with him, I asked him to tell me what was making him like this and what could I do ???? he told me it was nothing I could do, there were some kids teasing him at school that kept making him lose his temper and he was angry with his dad.
Lunchtime I decided to call the school and see how he was going.............His teacher came to the phone and we had a long chat, she told me she was really worried about him and how hurt and angry he was with everything. The teacher and I decided it would be best for me to come to school and talk to him, then decide whether to take him home, calm him down then leave him or chat with him then stay in class for the rest of the day to watch him. (MY SON'S SCHOOL IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!!!)
On my way to the school I rang his counsellor to find out when he was seeing Daniel again, expecting to get through to voice mail I was surprised as he answered and when I told him what the last few days had been like, he said I had caught him on a good moment and he decided to also come to the school and see him for himself (My sons counsellor is equally amazing)
Daniel would only talk to counsellor if I stayed and it broke my heart to see him, he is normally, bright, chirpy, cheeky, communicative and funny but today he sat with his head down and a little sad voice saying he didn't know what to do to stop behaving like this.
All he would say is that he couldn't understand why his dad never calls him or emails him, that he is cross that he is supposed to be going to see his dad this weekend but as he hasn't heard anything he doesn't know if he is going or not. His counsellor quickly pointed out to him that whether or not he sees his dad is his own choice no one elses, maybe his dad's computer had broken, my son said what about his phone?? The counsellor and I were making faces over Daniels head ....... I mean what are we supposed to say???? Your dad doesn't love you but its not your fault???????
Times like this I really HATE his father!!!!!!!
the school let me take him home early, he was very tired and quiet, he chatted to his brother about his day, by some miracle his brother took him for a chat, I still don't know what was said but Daniel is a whole lot happier. He has emailed his dad and said "If you want to see me this weekend, come and get me from nans at 4pm Friday" He says if he doesn't get a reply then he isn't going
I wish I could stop the hurt from him
I'm totally exhausted tonight mentally and physically

I am pleased to say that after my blog last night.......
Today was not a big deal at all
Went to my parents who went at great pains (to my great amusement) to find out how I was without mentioning the date !!!
Eventually they caved LOL and asked out right if I was ok
I told them I was fine it was last night, I freaked out a bit !!!!!
My daughter, bless her cotton socks!!!! rang me today and was chatting happily away, I told her I was better than I thought I was going to be.......she was silent until the penny dropped and was like "Oh Yes!!!!" I told her last night I had had enormous guilt about wishing I had never married or met X whilst at the same time feeling sick that by that fact I wouldn't have had my lovely children. Her answer " Mum!!!!!! What a terrible thing to say, if you hadn't have met him, you wouldnt have Me and then I would never have met BF!!!!!!" LOL How did she get full circle to that.
She then was teasing me that she was going to send X a text saying congratulations for putting my Mum through 25 years of Hell!!!!! Now I will spend the next 25 years sending you there !!!!! LOL
Don't worry she was joking, she has no contact with her donor at all, she was just trying to make me laugh...............Yep she totally succeeded.
The boys were lovely today too. They said they were glad I had married him so I could have them to look after me and keep him away from me for the rest of my life !!!!!
Did I tell you I LOVE LOVE LOVE my kids !!!!! Even my oldest although there will be a lot of healing to be done first if we ever get the chance.

If I had remained married, then tomorrow would have been my 25th silver wedding anniversary
Its really made me quite low!!!!!!
To be honest I don't know how I feel
On one side I wish I could go back in time and stop the wedding, but then on the other I look at one of my gorgeous children and how can I regret them?????
I am desperately trying to not even think about the date but the more I try not to think about it the more reminded I am being!!!!!! GGGGRRRRRRRR
I want tomorrow to be just an average day with no meaning at all to it
Why do I feel so weird ??????
For years he always told me that he would have taken me on  a cruise for this anniversary, I always used to say I hate boats and I didn't want to go, the truth is I love boats and the whole idea of a cruise but I never wanted to go away on my own with him!!!!!!!
Why can't I let go and stop allowing him to mess with my head????
I am so angry with myself, he would be so pleased to see me screwed up like this today

I did tell you my daughter loves her birthday didn't I
Well last night as the conclusion to her birthday week !!!!!! (Yes I know)
We all went out for a meal
By all I mean DD her BF
Myself and the two boys
My Mum and Dad
and DD's BF's Mum and brother
A real family evening

We had a lovely time, I was teasing DD BF as it is so funny to see this comical, cheeky almost 7 ft man being reprimanded by his Mum when he was getting close to the mark !!!!   ROFL
I like his Mum and brother and get on really well with them (Least I hope so) It was the first time that my parents had met the BF family and fortunately everyone seemed to get on fine.
My 14 year old managed to demolish an adult sized Mixed Grill meal followed by cookie and marshmallow dips, my 10 year old got through a plate of fish and Chips, then a Chocolate fudge cake Sundae, before finishing off his sister's and grans Honeycombe Sundae.
We did notice he then went an interesting shade of green before having to rush to the bathroom !!!!!! LOL
Bless Him, he took some stick for that.
So its official my daughters birthday is over for another year
Phew !!!!!!
xxx

Wow
I earlier realised that exactly one year ago on another Sunday evening I posted on Minti for the first time!
This was my question and the state of mind I was in at the time.
www.minti.com/questions-and-answers/discussion/307721/fighting-over-the-children-at-christmas/#307726
yes I know I posted anonymously but I wasn't a member at the time, just a desperately frightened single mother who felt very alone and friendless !!!!
I can't believe that really was me ?????
I just want to thank all my friends here on Minti who have been with me on my journey, its not been a smooth ride and I have had far too many stops of desperation along the way. But everytime I have felt as low as its possible to sink, there you have all been waiting for me to build me up once again
I'm always reluctant to name names on here as I have so many special friends here that I worry about leaving anyone out, so all I can say to my dearest and closest friends on here
I Love you All
You have saved me over and over again, You have tirelessly been there for me, You have built up my confidence, You have cried with me, You have pushed me and you have laughed with me
I honestly would NOT be here today if it wasn't for my amazing friends here and Minti itself
I will never be able to repay or thank you all enough
Love and Hugs to all my special friends (you know who you are )
xxx
 

Look Everyone
Marg and Janice are Gold !!!!!!!!
About time too that these two got the recognition they truly deserve for all their input, help and support and loving concern for us all
xxxxx

Thought I would just let you see a couple of pics from my daughters birthday
Nothing too exciting I'm afraid,
I'll get some nice ones of her with her brothers and also some with her BF asap

Yay
Its my little girls birthday today!!!!!!
She is 20 on the 20th !!!!!
She was here for the day yesterday and so we had her cake and candles (yes she still loves that LOL! )
I had to stay up till midnight when I rang her and she opened her pressies with me over the phone, her BF was laughing at her constantly don't think he has seen adults this excited about their birthday
I'll probably blog again later as I think I will be talking to her a lot today !!!!
I've already spoken to her twice and its not even 9am
I have never known anyone love their birthday as much as she does.
Her poor BF will be wearing ear muffs before the day is over, thankfully at the moment he is finding it funny and endearing but he'll learn he even bought her a musical birthday card that sings Happy Birthday to her with her name!!!! Wonder how long before he has that hidden away ROFL
My daughter is so lucky I was watching the two of them together yesterday and its great cos I know exactly how much my daughter loves her BF and when they are together I can see just how much he loves her too!!!!
Happy Birthday my Gorgeous, Wonderful, Beautiful, Daughter and Best Friend
xxx

Strange few days here
Today my 13 year old has been with his counsellor today doing something for Children in Need as the group he is with gets funding from the BBC Children in Need charity
He has been perfectly calm about it all and in fact looked forward to it
But Me????
I have been an idiot getting myself all worked up and nervous in case ??? finds out!!!!!!
What is wrong with me?? Who cares if he does ?? Certainly not my son!!!!

So here is me all nervous and anxious all day long, worrying how my son is, he comes back this afternoon calm as anything laughing with his counsellor, who tells me he has been feeding T all day but he appears to have a bottomless stomach !!!! What is great and funny about this, is , that the counsellor and I have had previous chats worrying about my sons appetite...........because he was off food!!!!!! Seems he has come a long way!!!

The counsellor came in for coffee and whilst the boys were upstairs on their PS2 we chatted about how the boys are doing........now this is the Interesting bit !!!!

Apparently my youngest' s teacher has hinted to the counsellor that she fears youngest is being emotionally abused by his dad, he is going in to talk to her and see why she thinks that and encourage her to report it
The boys dad still doesn't know that boys have had counselling help and their counsellor told me he is dying to meet with their dad one day and tell him exactly what he thinks of him!!!
The counsellor is hoping that the teacher will report her concerns which will open a can of worms which may lead to a court hearing and he says I don't have to worry about a thing as he has had more than enough documentation from the boys to hang him!!!!!

I told the counsellor about the incident the other week when I almost bumped into X in town and how the boys and my Mum looked out for me. He told me not to stress and apparently almost 2 years later it is still early days

We then went on to chat about how the boys feel now and I told him that I asked both boys separately if it would help or make things easier for them if I somehow found a way to "be friends" or at least "talk to" their dad, they both were quite scared and assured me that they never want me to be friends with or talk to him ever again.
At this the counsellor told me I had shocked him!!!!!! He says he has worked with almost 300 families in this area and that was only the 3rd time he had heard that the children didn't want their parents to ever talk to each other again. In almost all cases the children are upset with the abusive parent but find life is better if the parents can at least communicate. I was worried this meant I was doing something wrong but apparently it is a good indicator of the depth of the fear they still have for me
My boys are Amazing!!!!
Oh yes and so is my daughter too She always makes me smile especially at the moment, its only days until her birthday and I get a reminder at least once a day LOL

I think you all know that I love my daughter
Have had a great day with her today, she came for a visit and we went shopping together.
Anyway she had me in tears !!!!!!!
.......of pure laughter.

I think I have said before that she has this quirky "dumb blonde" streak about her, I could write a book on some of the things she has come out with i.e. in the pub she works some celtic people came in talking in Gaelic!! She found in interesting so was watching and listening, they were being friendly back and then asked her if she knew any Gaelic, my daughter replied "No but I Love Gaelic Bread !!!!!!!!"
See what I mean.........BLONDE!!!

Today she was telling me that her and her BF went to get some groceries the other week and he asked her to get a box of eggs, she looked and saw all the boxes of eggs and asked him which box to get, he told her laughing to get the eggs in the colour box of the colour yolk she preferred, as she looked confused, he expanded on this saying the white boxes had eggs with white yolks etc he laughed and went on ahead. A few minutes later he came back to see where she was and there she was still looking at the eggs, BF asked what she was looking at. ........... She told him she was looking for the eggs in the yellow boxes as she only liked the eggs with yellow yolks!!!!!!!!!! LMAO

Another time we were flying to Iceland and I had fallen asleep in the chair as we had an early flight, she woke me up all excited to tell me that the Duty Free was opening, she said she didn't know what it was but that it was FREE!!!!!!

Don't you just love her........... I DO!!!!!

Its times like this !!!!!!
I'm totally knackered, I have an early start in the morning, I was about to log off
and look what happens
All my friends signed in !!!!!!!!
Now if the world was flat we could all live in the same time frame,
Oh ok another half hour.........

On Saturday youngest went off with his dad for his contact visit, usually he goes Friday night but this time his dad changed it to one night only !!!! (Good news for me)
13 year old had a school friend over to stay, so dropped son and mate in town and Mum and I also went into town, during the course of the morning we walked into Woolworths, (which in england is more like a toy shop, videos, music, stationery kind of shop) and I saw my son just in front of me, so I rang him and was having a laugh with him with comments like "Get your hands out your pockets !!!!! So he knew I could see him but he couldn;t see me, anyway he panicked and said "Mum where are you ???" I told him I had just followed him into Woolworths, his reply......"Mum get out, dad is in here!!!!!"
Of course I am that dumb and did panic  !!!!!
I hid behind one of the aisles and just saw the back of his head going through the shop, I was calling Mum and saying "Quick get over here!!!"
I then saw my 13 year old go and talk to him outside the shop, my Mum all 4 foot 10 of her was narked and said
"Well I'm not hiding from him, I'm going to see my Grandson!!!!!"
So out she went
She came back laughing with the 13 year old and his mate, youngest had come running up to his Nan, and she noticed that x (on instruction from Marg I am leaving out the E in Ex to give him less status) saw her and started walking away !!!!!!!!
Youngest said "Where is Mum" My Mum told him and he said "I'll get dad to get away from here" and ran off to his dad leading him to another part of the town !!!!!!!!!!

So there is me, 5 foot 8 cowering in an aisle, my tiny Mum and two young boys saw off the big bad monster for me
Yes I do feel kind of pathetic !!!!!