My favourite childhood memory
As a child I was brought up in a town near Exmoor in Devon, which is very bleak in the winter.
When the snow fell, then it really came down thick and fast
I remember going to bed one night and the snow was falling, the wind howled all night and we woke up to heavy snow and no electric. I swear the snow had drifted in places to 20 foot deep
When we opened the back door we had to dig our way out as the snow had drifted right up the door.
We heard on the radio that lots of people had been trapped in their snow buried cars overnight and were being airlifted to the local school, so my family and I and several others, trooped through the snow up to the school and spent the day cooking hot chips and hot soup for all the freezing people
Fortunately there was no injuries and everyone continued on their journey once they had thawed and their cars had been dug out.
The snow hung around for days and it was really beautiful

If you have seen the film Father of the Bride you will know what I am talking about when this tiny little girl says she is getting married and it turns out she is an adult but you still think of her as a child!!!
I had one of those moments yesterday
My daughter told me she is moving in with her boyfriend and will now live about an hour down the road!

All I could think was NNNOOOO you can't leave me!! I need you!!!!!

I got all weepy and emotional, she thought I was cross with her and this tiny snowball got bigger and bigger as it rolled along, we ended up arguing
I kinda spoilt her moment

Then "totally out of the blue" my best mate from Oz rang and said she felt the need to call me, so I was blubbing down the phone to her.
She was great and got me to work things through. She helped me see that its more to do with everything I have been through lately, my daughter has been my security blanket and I wasn't ready to let go, maybe even a little jealous at her courage at moving on in her life with all we have been through.

Actually I am really pleased for my daughter, she deserves to be this happy and she deserves to be this loved.
Her boyfriend is fantastic, loves her to bits and loves the boys too.
I was a bit embarrassed about the whole thing, but I spoke to her boyfriend on the phone and I apologised for being stupid told him its just that I love my daughter so much and it suddenly hit me that I wasn't her Number 1 anymore, he was great, said he totally understood as he has seen for himself how close we are, he said all the right things about how much he loves her and will look after her for me and then said something really lovely. He told me he knew my daughter had a very special place in her heart for me and her family and he wouldn't dream of taking that place, I assured him that I NOW accepted he was her number 1 and that is how it should be and that I had sorted things out and realised I was being unreasonably emotional, of course she loves me, of  course I am not losing her. I am so glad she has chosen such a mature and family orientated man for her partner he is very close to his family too and so promised that they will always be a part of my family too. I felt much happier.

Last night I sat for hours with my daughter and we had the chat we should have had earlier, I asked the full plans and the dates, their intentions, their commitment etc and they are very happy. So am I
I did warn that there will probably be more tears the day she goes though

Took a few days away from the computer to sort my own head out, or at least try to make a start
These DV workshops I attend are absolutely fantastic and healing but boy do they bring up some painful issues you have to deal with too. I was totally messed up last week after my session
Went back to my doctor and got my counsellor around for a 1 to 1 chat and it was a great help,

I still have a long way to go with my emotions I know that but I'm not afraid to face up and confront the issues either. My counsellor says I am a deep thinker and she is right, I can't dismiss anything until I have analysed it in my head, labelled it and filed it away. she also suggested that once I have put my past to rest i ought to sign on as a volunteer with the DV organisation, get trained and get into the counselling field myself as I have such life experience.
Hmmmm definitely interesting.
Once your mind has been almost robbed from you, it makes the workings of the mind and the powers that someone else have over your mind very intriguing.

I have decided that my Ex took away so much from me:
Things like my dignity, self worth, trust in others, confidence, self respect, credibility, faith in others, living in safety to name but a few.
BUT he is not having my children or my future
That is definitely what I am going to keep going for
xxx

My 13 year old had a phone call from my 22 year old asking if he would like to go and play football for a couple of hours this evening. Of course my 13 year old jumped at it!
I was thrilled because a bonus, he knew he wouldn't need to check with me so said Yes right away!
Which I hope made my 22 year old think again about the fact I am supposed to object to the boys spending time with their dad and brother.
Anyway I gave my 13 year old an Easter Egg for my oldest son and when my son drove up, T dutifully took the egg down to him. I was stood thinking I had just missed an opportunity so without thinking about it anymore
I ran out of the house down to my son's car, he saw me coming and looked ok, I went up to him and asked if he was okay me wishing him a Happy Easter, he answered Yes and leaned forward so I gave him a kiss on the cheek and a hug. I didn't push it. It was quite quick.
He then told me he was moving away, I asked if he was happy, he answered he was really pleased so I said that I  was happy for him too.
Finally I looked him in the eye and said "I just want you to know I love you very much and nothing will ever change that."
He answered " I know!"
I told them to have fun playing football and enjoy themselves and calmly walked away.

I am so proud of myself.
I have a huge grin on my face. Best of all T and D both looked so happy that i had done it.
I haven't seen my eldest son since last July!!!!!!

I still think its Baby Steps but boy this feels like a giant leap to me.
xxxxx

Late at night, for my boys anyway, and they have just had a call from their dad, they are now upset and angry as he was crying down the phone to them.
I mean come on half 9 at night and he is crying to his kids
And to make matters worse he is crying because apparently I put pressure on them NOT to see him. The boys said to him they would see him next week, now the youngest doesn't want to go, he told his dad, his dad got upset so my youngest got really angry and refused to talk to him on the phone anymore, the 13 year old took over the phone and he then copped it from his dad because I am stopping the 9 year old from going. Ex ended conversation by saying he will be emailing his solicitor tonight!!!
So I have had two angry, no furious but upset boys, who now both say Hate their dad, they say he is screwing up their lives. I have had to email my solicitor saying please don't start anything but if you hear anything in the morning this is what happened please deal with it.
Ironic that I was so thrilled that my oldest son rang today, spoke one sentence to me, asking for 13 year old, it was to invite him for a game of football if I agreed, of course I did. Now, however, my son will be watching his dad crying and saying I am stopping the boys seeing him, so he will be confused and angry again. No doubt with me, for no good reason.
Am I honestly expected to FORCE my 9 year old to go with him if he does not want to go.
I wish he would be the father my boys deserve

My lovely Mum was 70 this weekend
On Saturday night, Mum Dad my brother myself and my daughter and her boyfriend went out for a lovely meal.
My two little boys missed out as it was their weekend with their dad. Seems it went ok even though I had a phone call from 9 year old early Saturday morning in tears, I sorted him out and he was fine.
At the meal I am surprised we didn't get thrown out the pub, my daughter, her boyfriend and I were somewhat loud and silly with party poppers LOL Great fun
Then on her actual birthday, as soon as the boys got back we all went around with a birthday cake, which we quickly demolished. Yum Yum
I love my Mum
i can't believe she is 70. She certainly doesn't look it
My daughter and I love winding her up, she is so gullible and has a good laugh too
I hope my daughter and I will be as close as my mum and I when I am 70
Do you know what ....
I think we'll be even closer