For a start my daughter was here last night and we sat up until the early hours laughing over old stories and fun antics she used to get up to. She can be sooooo funny, she does make me laugh Earlier she had taken her brothers for a bike ride then spent the evening teaching them various dances to top songs on the Music Channels !!!

At one point I said to Daniel who was just beaming at their antics, "You really love your sister don't you?"

He looked back at me and said "No Mum, I absolutely adore her !!!!" So cute. Thomas is just the same they are all 3 very close except I have noticed that when my daughter and the 14 year old together, its them two ganging up on me and laughing at me

Then this morning, was a really hard session with the DV workshop,  I think I have said before each week a different personna of the abuser is broken down, we have done The Bully, The Bad Father, The Headworker, Ther Persuador, but today was the really heavy one The Sexual Controller. You know its going to be hard when they explain that they have brought in an extra helper who is a qualified Rape Counsellor.  There were a lot of tears and a lot of ghosts in the room today with everyone being affected.

It really takes a lot out of you and you confront memories head on that you may have preferred to walk around but you need to face to move on. Anyway its exhausting going through everything so I am totally exhausted tonight so will catch up with all my friends tomorrow

April 2007 I was on here telling everyone about my dad running the London Marathon for I think the 8th time at the age of 69 years. Well this year he decided against running it

However this year in November 2008 he is flying to New York with my brother and running the New York Marathon at the age of 71 years !!!!!!!!!

My brother has always dreamed of travelling to New York, as have I and I'm not the slightest bit jealous that they are going

A couple of months ago my brother started talking again about how much he still wanted to go to New York and he was just thinking maybe to go for it !!!! My dad straight away said he would love to go with him and if they timed it right he would run the New York Marathon.

So Dad applied for his running place through the charity SCOPE, last week he received confirmation of his guaranteed place and today I booked their flight and hotel for them both.

I'm honestly so pleased for them, yea sure I would love to go and one day I still hope I will, but how can I seriously be jealous of a dream coming true for my brother when he would do anything to help anyone. He so deserves this holiday, it is going to mean so much to him. We have both always wanted to go and since the 9/11 attacks the desire to go has got stronger. My brother being the lovely gentle man that he is, has several times said its a shame we can't all go, I agree it is a shame but just think when we do eventually all get to go, then he can be our Tour Guide !!!!!! This is a wonderful opportunity for them both and they are so excited.

By the way I posted my completed job application form today, so now its a waiting game, I'm really not sure how I feel about it, they said experience working with hearing impaired children wasn't essential but would be nice otherwise there would be training for sign language. So I guess I only have a chance if no one qualified applies. Also they want experience of working with special needs children, I told them all about my son and I'm hoping that is going to count for something. so I'll just wait and see. I really want that job though !!!!!!!!!!

I admit I have given up second guessing the "father" of my children !!!!!!

But yesterday was really weird.

My parents called me to say that he had rung them to check if they were in and he could drop some things around to their house for the boys. Naturally they said Yes.

Apparently he was there a matter of seconds, long enough to hand over a few boxes to my dad who went to the door. My brother then brought the boxes around to us.

He has sent over the rest of Thomas' things, including the empty box and instructions of a phone that thomas no longer even has ???? also the board games that the boys used to play occasionally when they were with him. Also included were now some of Daniel's things, ironically Daniel has not even asked for his things back .

Before anyone says he must be trying to be nice. Please KNOW this person is incapable of being nice without having an ulterior motive. I just find it strange thats all and now wonder what game he is playing. With what is in the boxes, lots of odd little things, it honestly looks like he is clearing his house of any reminders of them being around there. Kind of weird when we are waiting for mediation to start where he is hoping to get regular contact with them.

I am hoping that maybe he realises that he is fighting a losing battle. Thomas doesn't care in the least he wants no contact anyway. Daniel worries me as he has once again interpreted this as a father who really doesn't care if he sees him or not.

Well the meeting was a complete and utter waste of time !!!!!!!!!

We all sat down and were told that the Headteacher called the Education Authority Wages Department and the person trying to sort if out doesn't work Fridays, so she will call them back on Monday !!!!!!! What a waste of time, why didn't she just re arrange the meeting for Monday ???????? She did once again re iterate that we will definitely get our money but it won't be till next month at least, then she proceeded to tell us how disappointed she was with the system and was on our side and realises we have been let down..................blah blah blah

However, I actually feel a lot better today, course reading some of my friends blogs with what they are coping with right now really helps me, I get a cyber slap for being so self centred worrying about my problems when i hear what some of my friends are coping with right now.

Daniel has been a lot better over the last 24 hours, for example right now as I write this he is reading a book on the sofa, every so often I look over and he senses me looking and smiles !!!!!!!! Yay Had a long chat with him last night, he is just so confused bless him. He said he wishes he could wave a magic wand and turn his dad into someone kind, loving and doesn't get angry. What does concern me though is that he keeps telling me that he is next !!!!!!!!! Apparently that means he believes he is next in line to be thrown against a wall !!!!!!!!!! We are still keeping for now to the decision that he doesn t see his dad until after he has spoken to the Mediator. Sadly Daniel knows his headaches and nightmares are definitely connected to seeing his dad. I will be so glad when this is over

My job application form came in the post today, I'm really excited about it the job sounds really nice, I would be working more hours so I would be allowed more self pride rather than feeling I am scrounging around on benefits. As for the study course, I have been looking through the prospectus with my parents, they are very keen and believe I could do it.

So I'm a lot more philosophical today. Facts of the matter are, I have problems, I have issues, life is painful, life is hard, life is difficult and life is scary

BUT

Its the same and even worse for lots of others and they still keep going, so I will too !!!!!!!!

So There

So my car failed the MOT on a couple of issues including 2 bold tyres. Whoops !!!!!!!!!!!!

So dad asked them to fix everything and he picked up the tab for me, £300 !!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes I know its great and I know its my parents who would do anything for me ............but I long so much to be financially dependent and not a drain on them. They are 70 now and should be enjoying their retirement not constantly bailing me out of trouble.

Got to work and we had our payslips, we are £100 down on what we were expecting, as a dinner lady I earn about £134 a month and then there is a bonus every term of an extra £100 which is to do with the fact we are entitled to a baguette for lunch but agreed to have the equivalent in cash instead. Due to an admin change we didn't get it.

Its all very well but I REALLY needed that money, all my work colleagues are angry but it looks like i am the only one who was desperate for it. Have a meet tomorrow with the Head Teacher, she assures we won't miss out and we will get it, what she doesn't understand is that money is already spent on climbing bills !!!!!!!!! What good is it in a few weeks time if you need it now. At least we are all meeting up with her tomorrow as one group

Went to my parents all wound up and emotional and told them I was thinking of going for bankrupcy so I could have a clean slate and start afresh without the debts I brought with me and were kindly left to me by the childrens father !!!!! However they are very much against that and assure me they will always help, I knew that but I just want to retain a little pride somewhere in this journey.

One positive thing is that I saw a local job advertised in a different school as a teaching assistant and dinner lady as a TA I would be working one to one with a child with an hearing problem. I feel quite excited about that, its a lot more hours so I could give up the hospital job and this dinner lady job where I am now and work at just the one school, cutting down petrol money and the paperwork I do at home for the hospital. Another big bonus is that I would be free all weekends and all school holidays to be with the boys.

I also got the Prospectus from Open University for me to start the study for Psychology. I would really like to do that and finally feel I have achieved something in my life

Didn't sleep much last night, I admit there is too much going on here and my head is racing trying to catch up but today particularly is a day I have been not looking forward to as my car has its MOT today ! Bless him my dad has arranged it and is even lending me his car for work but I am so scared of the cost, it may be ok and pass with just the basic MOT cost but then again, with my luck !!!!! I am so sick of always sponging off of my parents

Daniel is still very unsettled, he is still having his rages, I had a chair thrown downstairs the other night in temper, later when I went up to talk it through with him, he was crying into his pillow, slapping and pinching his face for being such a "naughty" boy, it breaks your heart when he is crying and asking what is wrong with him and how much he doesn't wish to be like this.

Thomas is an angel but he can also aggravate the situation by shouting at Daniel when he is cross and calling him names, In temper he has called Daniel a "freak" and a "weirdo" and you can imagine how well that has gone down, so then thomas is in trouble and I get shouted at again as he feels I am tougher on him and Daniel gets away with it. Frankly I don't know anymore.

I just wish I could find the brakes on this crazy ride, I have had enough now and just would like to get off.

Went to my DV workshop today and I do feel a bit better today, I really need that course.

Its weird as sometimes you hear stories from the other woman and you are really shocked to the core with what they are saying, then I will recount something and I look at their faces and they look totally shocked too !!!!! Why its weird is that because when I talk of the things that happened in my marriage, I feel emotionally detatched from it. Its like I am telling the story through someone else's eyes, I was just some kind of viewer into a mad mad world

Having said that it does also make you deal head on with memories you thought were buried away or worst memories you want to remain buried away but are still there waiting for you to finally deal with them. Does that make sense???????

I AM DEFINITELY going to write a book on all the facets of psychological abuse, how to recognise the signs and how to deal with them, there are so many differnet aspects to name but a few I could write on eating habits, loneliness, mind games, the children being used, sleep deprivation, the Jailor, the silent treatment, the intimidation, the control over you with mobile phones, the "gentle" persuador, the alienator, the sexual predator, the Liar.......................... I may try out some bits on here but some of it will likely be unsuitable for a parenting site. It the book never gets published, it doesn't matter, I have just learnt that writing things helps me deal with things, so If I write about some of the more painful things, maybe I can finally deal with some of the things that keep me dragged down.

I'm exhausted today

Barely slept all night, I have so many issues and worries chasing around in my head and none of them good. I am getting so bogged down financially its scary, My parents had to even buy us some groceries to get us by again, I HATE that, it makes me feel so useless.

I stupidly left off my medication for a few weeks and whilst I am back on them, I am playing catch up so chasing my tail with insecurity and paranoia, also the throwing up regularly appears to be back, which makes you pretty miserable in itself, especially when I am trying to hide it from the boys as they would really panic

I can have fun days out with my friend, like on Saturday, but come back so exhausted from putting on a smile all day and pretending I am happy that I walk into the house and burst into tears !!!

My Daniel had the most horrendous rages last week, including one where he was so cross with me for chatting to my cousin on the phone, that he was screaming at me that I didn't care about him I never wanted to spend time with him and slammed the door in my face, when we later talked about it and what triggered it, he can't even remember saying it or behaving like that???? Thomas and I just can't believe he can't remember that episode it was terrible. Even my cousin kept asking me if I was ok

And to top it all his nightmares have started so after a few weeks of him finally sleeping once again in his own bed, he is back in mine, saying he needs me to keep the monsters away

Finally I have had confirmation that the Mediation is going to happen, I have to wait for them to get in touch with me, I am scared now what will happen there. The boys dad is such a charmer, who knows what will happen, and why should the mediators take mine and the boys word over his, hardly anyone else has in this town. He is still running for "citizen of the year"

Why does life have to hit you harder when you are already down on the floor crawling

Today Thomas stayed with my brother as he wasn't keen to miss his local club football match, which I understand as he rarely misses a home game, but Daniel and I went to visit a friend I've only recently got to know although I have known her parents for years (and yes they stayed friends with me LOL !!!!)

We met up with her and her two boys and went to Swanage, even though it was raining We weren't sure what to do but then decided it wasn't real rain only the slight drizzle we all hate so went for a long walk along the coast, We walked over fields to Durlsdon, apparently they even got dolphins swimming off this particular piece of coastline.

It was actually really exhilerating, anyone who knows the UK countryside knows that a walk along the coastline requires lots of stamina to a) get up and down all the steep hills and b) hold onto your balance as the wind rushes past !!

When we later got back to her house, my boots were soaked as were my socks and my jeans from the knees down YUK!!! my lovely straightened hair had been blown and rained into a wave of frizz !!! and I had gorgeous mascara marks running down my face !!!!

But.............We had smiles on our faces and clean air in our lungs so it felt pretty good actually

Daniel with the Dorset coastline behind him

Daniel firmly believes all walks must include tree climbing

We worked out that with all the chaos and "rubbish" these school holidays we hadn't really done anything that exciting these holidays.

So today Mum, Dad and I took the boys and Misty (my dog) for a long drive into the New Forest, okay so the weather was pretty grim but.............I have boys and they really don't take a lot of notice of trivial things like rain  LOL

So we had a leisurely drive, admiring the New Forest ponies and beautiful countryside, eventually we stopped in a quiet area and the boys were able to play, we could see for miles so it was great that they could run around that free, Misty also had a great time chasing after them both. Dad then decided he wanted to go for a walk, as it was raining Mum and I bottled out besides we were too busy playing scrabble on my DS So the boys joined their grandad in his walk with little Misty tagging along.

Mum and Dad then decided to treat us all to a pub meal, Dad had some teasing about this as Mum and Dad are NOT the kind of people that go to the pub !!!!! But dad said he knew there was a nice pub in the area that he has sometimes had a meal at whilst travelling back from seeing various clients, so we drove on this delightful and quaint village pub, I teased him even more then as it was in Godshill, I said just because it belonged to God doesn't mean its not the same as any other pub dad !!!!!

And then it happened...............the boys saw the name of the pub...............

The Fighting Cocks !!!!!!!

Now where do you go from there ?????????

I'll tell you exactly where my boys took it

Thomas couldn't stop laughing and saying Grandad you thought it must be a Christian pub in Godshill and Daniel proudly announced

"The Fighting Cocks.......... Hey Nan I got one of those !!!!!!!!!!!!"

We were crying with laughter and I quickly rang my brother who thought it was very funny too

We had a gorgeous meal and as we were so full we decided to scrap the dessert and go back to Mums for some ice cream, Yummy

Daniel had his 6 month review for his ADHD medication today

It went REALLY well

The dr first of all noticed that Daniel went into the surgery with a big smile on his face, apparently she hadn't seen that before. !!!She also said I was looking really well. She knows the whole story anyway as Daniel doesn't ever hold back which if you ever met or meet him you know what I mean. It was great to hear from her that she thought that Daniel and I should both be proud of ourselves at how far we have come.

Anyway back to the important thing. She asked us both several questions and took lots of notes, weighed and measured Daniels height, he is in the higher centile for height and fairly average for weight. She was pleased that I feel confident enough to leave off Daniels medication when he is with me and behaving in a calm fashion, but agrees with me that as it is very clear that first thing in the morning he really needs "something" LOL we won't do anything about changing medication during school days until we are absolutely sure that he doesn't need it.

She then made an interesting observation she said that it was beginning to look like daniels ADHD was greatly intensified by his agitation and stress coming from his relationship with his father. She said it seems clear that Daniel is more in control of his own thoughts, feelings and emotions.

the only cloud on the Horizon for me is that I have noticed over the last couple of days, Daniel has become quite rude and disrespectful, I'm still trying to work out if its me the eternal pessimist, all in my mind or knock on from spending an intense day with his dad and brother. Its not only me that has noticed. Thomas has pulled him up several times and told him not to talk to me like that. Daniel then usually stomps away stamping his feet. He soon returns saying he is sorry. But after how far he has come since being on the break, I don't want to go back to those black days again.

Daniel appeared to have a lovely day with his dad and brother, he has told us he was very sad about Chris attitude to my parents. He also said his dad asked him how long he was going to keep on a break, Daniel told him it stopped today, and his dad laughed and said "Yea, until you start it up again tomorrow !!!" So I am cross about that but I will let it go ..............FOR NOW!!!!

XXX

Still trying to activate my Mums account

Been over 24 hours now and still waiting for the confimation email so she can activate it. I have clicked activate so many times now its just not funny

Just wanted to let all those who have sent my Mum a friend invite, she will get back to you as soon as she can get on properly at the moment she can log on but not actually do anything

OK so at first I was angry

then I got really upset

I dropped Daniel at his Nans in time for his dad to pick him up but then I had to go to work. Daniel was fine in fact was actually quite excited. He ws telling me in the car how the break did him such a lot of good he was going to say to his dad I want to see you every 2nd weekend again but if you can't then you don't get to see me at all. LOL I was so proud of him and his new strength.

Anyway, I was held up at work as my boss was there for a visit, that went really well so I was pleased with that, got back to the car and rang Mum to see how Daniel was when he left. Dad answered and said I had better speak to Mum, course that got me worried right away

Turns out that Daniel went out to the car, his dad had all Thomas' things together in a box (including Thomas' PSP LOL go Thomas !!!!!) Mum went out to the car in time to hear Daniel being made to promise that no one would sell any of the stuff as he bought it for them to use with him only, and it was all worth about £500

Dad went out to the car to help unload Thomas' things, and Mum and Dad both heard Daniel squeal with excitement saying "Chris is here!" (thats my oldest son to those who don't know)  Dad walked up to the car, to have the door shut as he got there, nevertheless dad opened the door and said Hello to Chris, whereby he got a sheepish "HI" My Mum says Daniels dad then got up to the car, ready to drive away, so she walked up and asked if she could speak to Chris, x put his head in the car and came back with "Chris says Hi" My Mum then said won't he even get out of the car ?? I don't even know his address, to which x told her that he didn't know it either, and hadn't even seen Chris since last April !!!!!! (More lies he told Mum at Christmas when she gave him the tin of sweets he hadn't seen Chris since August, then in January brought some things back for Thomas and Daniel after going to visit Chris) he is so thick he doesn't even remember his lies anymore !!!!!!!!!!!!

They then drove off, just like that.

My son, was too gutless to even get out of the car to acknowledge his grandparents.

At first I was really angry, my Mum has been in tears, she does not deserve that at all !!! Then I was just devastated and been in lots of tears myself, that was my son, my beautiful son, who once couldn't sleep without me stroking his cheek, who didn't care that I may have been in the house and certainly didn't care about his grandparents.

Now I am just so ashamed, how could my son do that

I am just so devastated

Well the day is almost here

Tomorrow when we wake up its the day that Daniel goes to wrestling with his dad.

Mind you, after almost 2 months of not seeing his son, Daniel did get a phonecall tonight, it lasted one whole minute and was long enough to tell Daniel he would be getting him between 1 - 1.30 tomorrow and then dropping him back late at night after the wrestling. My  parents (bless them) are going to wait up for him and let him sleep at their place for the night.

So basically after the threats of mediation and telling everyone he is missing his son, Daniel gets his attention for roughly 12 hours tomorrow !!!!!

Listen to me I am turning into a bitter twisted woman that I swore I didn't want to !!!!

I will be so glad when tomorrow is over. Daniel is excited about the wrestling and excited about seeing his older brother (my oldest son) who he hasn't seen for over a year but naturally a little anxious about seeing his dad.

Thomas on the other hand is going with his sister for lunch just because he doesn't want to see his dad, even though his dad has "promised" to bring all his things back and drop them at my parents. Hopefully he will keep his promise. Another funny thing is that when he rang here tonight, Thomas answered the phone, (yes the son who he mourns losing contact with) and all his dad said was "Can I speak to Daniel" Not even Hi how are you doing !!!!!!

Look at me moaning again

I have been entertained, there has been acting, singing, dancing.........

My daughter has been here and the three of my children here have had great fun since she got here, there has been a lot of giggling and a lot of pleasure

The most strenuous thing I have done all day was to strip the beds and turn on the washing machine LOL at that point I did run into problems as my delightful boys have been using the washing line as a volleyball net, so when I hung the sheets out to dry, I noticed that one end of the line, attached to the drainpipe had caused the drainpipe to come away from the wall !!!!! I daren't put weight on the line until its secure again so I have had all the sheets drying over the house !!!!!! Grrr I hate that, feels like I'm living in a laundry but at least the house smells lovely of fabric conditioner

Meanwhile my three darlings have learnt dance moves to various songs so they could show me, made up games where I have to guess what they are doing ie first one to speak/first one to laugh........

I have even been given a dance lesson by my daughter as I am a "wooden" dancer and she wants to teach my rhythm, I think we decided its best left alone, there is simply no hope for me.

Tonight we are having a "24" TV show marathon to see how many episodes we can get through, once Daniel is settled in bed of course !!!!

Did anyone hear us as if feels like we have been laughing since my daughter arrived

xxx

I have found the source of the riot control switch

Its in the bathroom

Not sure how to fix it 

It seems the link is that everytime I go into the bathroom and get in the bath or the shower, full scale riots between my boys break out !!!!!!

What to do???? I shower everyday so I better get someone to look at my taps, maybe its a radio signal ?????

There must be a trip switch somewhere. We can be sitting happily everyone getting along, but within seconds of stepping into the bath/shower the riots start

Anyone had a similar problem and do you know the best plumber to sort this for me. At least I have eliminated everything so we know its somewhere in the bathroom !!!!!

It went so well

Even got in a plug for Minti LOL

She was a lovely lady and the best bit for me is that she is a Christian so understood totally where I was coming from with my church issues too. It was fantastic !!!!!! We even joked about getting together for a coffee and becoming friends as we such a lot in common, she hasn't suffered with DV but has had a stalker so knows about fear etc

I am so thrilled and excited at how it went

Got a bit emotional come the end as the last question was where did I think I would be and what would I be doing without my parents support. I told her the simple truth......DEADor maybe if I was lucky I'd be in a mental institution

She thinks I have wonderful parents (SO DO I !!!) She couldn't believe some of the things I was telling her and thinks its amazing how manipulative these kind of people can be to make everyone feel sorry for them

She met the boys, then they went upstairs on the PS2 whilst we chatted. She thinks they are lovely, very well mannered and polite !!!!!! Hmmmmm must have been a good day LOL

Guess what

i am soooooo nervous

Today is the day that the radio lady is coming !!!!

I know it should be okay, cos I can control what is said and left out etc but even so !!!!!!!!

She will be here in 40 minutes so I am currently running around like a headless chicken doing hair, make up and generally tidying up

I hope she is nice, she sounded it on the phone but who knows

Don't you just love watching brothers at play !!!!

I've been doing just that today and it amazes me how many times and how quickly they can jump from being best buddies to worst enemies. !!!

The weather was lovely here today so after I went to work at the hospital, leaving the boys in the capable hands of my Mum and my daughter, we went into town for a while had lunch  on some tables outside the bakery, then decided we would go to the playpark.

Mum and I chose to watch from a safe distance whilst DD and the boys ran lose in the park, the most popular play equipment for them was a big tyre swing, the three of them played quite happily with my daughter swinging them to quite scary heights and speeds All we could hear was excited squeals from them all !!!!

They were having great fun, but before my eyes, everything changed Daniel was upset by something and ran to me shouting how he hated Thomas for spoiling his life, Thomas following him calling him a baby !!!!!! DD helping matters greatly by just cracking up with laughter at them both !!!!!!!! So after sorting things out and calming things down once again, they went back to play, laughing and joking.

We then decided we were all thirsty so as the shop was literally only a few yards away, i gave the boys some money to get some bottles of water, off they went running together..............back came Daniel cross and sulky, followed by thomas calling him a loser for making a fuss in the shop about the choice of drink !!!!!!

As there are several parks in the same area, we decided to separate the boys for a few minutes, Daniel came with me and Mum in my car, whilst Thomas rode with his sister and we proceeded to another park. Off the three of them went to play once again and everything was fine, they were all laughing and joking and then ............ Thomas and Amy decided it would be fun to run off with Daniels trainers !!!!! Can you imagine how well that went, after Daniel chased them around the park he got his shoe back and came back to me very angry !!!!!!! I then had to be peacemaker between one angry boy who I explained needs to know when fun has gone too far and one angry boy who needs to know that sometimes a joke doesn't always translate as malicious !!!!!!! oh Boy !!

The day has pretty much been like that ever since. I must admit to having several quiet chuckles to myself at the ridiculous antics of two brothers who love each other dearly, look out for each other, protect each other and stand up for each other but frequently think its ok to fight relentlessly when the mood takes them

I'm guessing today I have been more of an umpire than a mother LOL

xxx

Wow who couldn't love the new features

Just wanted to thank everyone who has worked behind the scenes upgrading and re vamping what was already a fantastic site into something even better !!!!! I didn't think that was possible

My only niggle at the moment seems to be missing the group key on the top orange bar, as I used to use that button more than anything,  now its a bit of a pain taking a detour through my homepage, especially as there are two ways of getting to my homepage at the top, either clicking my user name or clicking the little house on the orange bar, could we not lost the little house and gain the groups tab ???????? Pretty pretty please

Love all the new compliments and gifts etc, thats so lovely to be able to quickly send one of these to a friend to suit the mood or the situation. I love that idea.

not worked through the Mailbox just yet only had a quick flick through but so far I'm pretty much loving everything

BIG thankyou to everyone who works on Minti to keep this a fabulous site

xxx

Yes the title of the blog is correct

Today I went to see a real life, in the flesh friend LOL

I have known her (and her husband) for about 15 years, my daughter was actually one of their bridesmaids when she was little. the complicated bit is that she goes to the church that x went back to, but my boys trust her, they say that neither she nor her husband chatted to x when they saw them altogether. She is one of the few people I know that I have NEVER heard her say bad about anyone or anything !!!!

However although I haven't seen her for almost a year, it has been my fault and my trust issues that have been the problem. Her husband at one time was x best friend but then they worked together and the friendship was never the same and her hubby left as he didnt like x principles or morals LOL

Anyway I had a lovely day, they have 3 children who are really lovely her oldest is a boy who is the age between my two boys and they have all know each other since babies they have a lot of land with their house so my boys had an awesome time running around, climbing trees etc She made us a lovely lunch and we had a lovely long natter about our lives.

BUT !!!! the best bit was that x was barely mentioned. She asked how it was going I told her I ceased all contact with him myself as he was twisting everything and she thought it was great that I didn't have contact with him.

She thought the boys were growing up, were very relaxed and happy and she also noticed the way that the boys go off and play but still keep checking I am ok and blowing me kisses through the window once I say I am fine !!!!!

I had a really lovely time with her

So woke up early this morning (Grrr its supposed to be the holidays)

As soon as I could I sent a text to the boys counsellor asking him to call me as soon as it was convenient as I needed some advice, he called me back in seconds (told you he loves my boys !!!!) I filled him in with the letter and what x is now demanding, he used a few choice descriptive words that I don't know how to spell, let alone say LOL

Anyway he told me this could be a good move as x is making big mistakes now and being very inconsistent. He advised me to keep using the term Gillick_competent  which is apparently what the boys are. He also underlined again the fact that he is happy to back the boys up in whatever capacity necessary either mediation stage or if it goes to court.

I then rang my solicitor, we talked about the problem and I told her I was amazed at what he had said at the letter, I told her that I don't understand why he should complain about worrying he may never see Daniel again yet he is seeing Daniel on Monday (14th) She thinks he is just playing the system !!!! YOU THINK?????

Fortunately she again assured me that with everything I have logged there is nothing to worry about. For instance the email when Daniel told him he wanted a break because he was scared of him and he didn't even sign off as dad in the response!!!!  The way that he talks about just wanting to spend "treasured" time with the boys yet I have logged emails that the boys have sent him where they are angry with him for getting a babysitter whilst they were with him so he could carry on doing his voluntary work etc etc      We chatted through the options and this is what I decided

I will go through mediation, but the conditions are that it is done at separate times completely to x so there is no intimidation to me or the boys and that the boys also talk privately to the mediator, letting them have their say too. If he doesn't agree to my terms then I invite him to take me to court and get CAFCASS involved.

The solicitor asked if the boys were okay about talking to the mediator and I replied "Are you kidding, they have waited almost 2 years to finally have their say !!!!!"

So I do feel a little better today......except Daniel is so scared about seeing his dad on Monday. He thinks he is going to be in trouble for taking the break, he wants to go, he wants to see him but is quite understandably very nervous.

The ironic thing is that all the boys wanted was a father, to be that father all the x had to do was love them, nurture them, be there for them. support them, etc...... instead he intimidated them, blackmailed them and threatened them. That is no way to be a father.

I dream of peace and tranquility for everyone

I dream of no one being hurt or hurting someone else

I can't stand confrontation, derision, lack of sympathy or empathy, harsh words, distrust........

In my dream I want to live in a world where everyone can be trusted, you know who your friends are, you can believe what everyone says to you, that people all look out for everyone, that children are allowed their say in their future,

I want a world where everyone can get along, where everyone respects and is respected.

A world of fun and laughter but at no one elses expense

Someone tell me

Whats wrong with my dream ?????

To me, my true and pure love has been about my children

Chris: He was my firstborn, I had had a miscarriage very late before Chris, so from the second I knew I was pregnant he was so special. We were always so close, apart from the blip when he was aged 14 to 17 !!!!! But apart from that he was wonderful, I can still remember that right up until I last spent real time with him, he had an addiction to sucking his thumb whilst stroking his nose, even when he was 21 !!!!! We used to watch films together all the time, he would even sit with his head on my shoulder, I love him but will quickly move along as I miss those times so.

Amy: My only daughter, my constant voice of reality, my prop, my rock, my best friend. We are very close I can't see her without giving her a big hug which although she rolls her eyes over my shoulder to whoever is looking, she will instigate the hug if I'm not quick enough off the mark. I had so longed for a daughter and looked forward with relish to the days of playing dressing up, make up and dolls..........she just happened to be the biggest tomboy on the planet. She always had long blonde hair that I would always plait in ribbons that matched the colour of her dresses, only to later see her playing football in the mud or climbing a tree. Now seeing her in love and being loved is fascinating for me to watch and gives me the greatest sense of contentment for her.

Thomas: From as far back as I can remember, Thomas has always been my "magic" child, he can pick up on any mood and respond. He doesn't have to say a thing when I have low moments, but he will always be there to give a hug and say he loves you. Whilst in Iceland Daniel had one of his "moments" and later my brother came to me and said  that Thomas had gone to him fuming, when asked what the problem was, thomas told him he had had to leave the shop or he would have slapped Daniel because he is never going to let someone talk disrespecful to me ever again !!! My best moment with thomas was when recently he was reading a comment here on Minti that someone had said the boys are lucky to have you, he looked at me and said "Its not luck Mum, before I was born I said to God thats who I want for my Mum and pointed at you !!!!"

Daniel: My always well meaning but time consuming physically and mentally son !!!!! He has so much love for everyone even to the detriment of what is best for him. All he wants to do is guard me from his dad. He is very cuddly and secure about his tantrums with me. He feels calmer with me as he says he knows how much I love him. He is such a trier, he longs for everyone to love him. He and his sister can clash a lot, as she is not the most patient woman in the world LOL With Daniel patience is something you need buckets full. I have lost count of the number of times I have gone to bed to find him sound asleep in my bed, in the mornings he says its because he sleeps better knowing I am there and he likes to wake up and see me watching over him

I have been so incredibly blessed with my four children, I love them all dearly, I have always felt very loved by all of them too. It was only the end when I lost my oldest, before it all went so wrong he would have been my biggest supporter which is why losing him hit me so hard. Sadly I love him but I just don't like him anymore

Had a really low day today, which considering my daughter is here, bless her, shows I must be fed up

I have had so many people tell me that I need to let it all go now as the divorce is over and I kept saying, he won't stop, their response was he has to let it go, you aren't married to him anymore !!!!!!! Well look who was right !!!!!!!

He just isnt going to stop. I am convinced that he has people ask where the boys are and why they haven't seen him, so thats what prompted this. All I want is for the boys to have their own say and make their own choices. When is this going to happen for them

I am sooooo sick of it all. I've been lousy company all day with a throbbing headache, I'm sure I am just stressed to the max. I'm also cross that I get letters like this on a weekend so I have to sit and stew until the Monday, because I just can't forget it until Monday Grrrrrrrrr

Today I had a letter from my solicitor, it seems that x is missing his boys so now wants me to go to mediation to sort out an arrangement with him,

I'm honestly not too worried about that part, because my conscience is clear that I have never stopped the boys from seeing him so I will just be honest with the mediator and let them unravel the truth

What makes me so mad is that his solicitor goes on about how he considered the role of father to be so precious, he misses them, he has already lost his home, his business now he seems to have lost the boys too. It says that since Thomas asked for a break he has had no contact with him, hello ????? Thomas was emailing him at the weekend about his possessions and also went out to the car to see him over Christmas. Daniel asked for a break but also emailed him last weekend that he is looking forward to going to the wrestling with him next week. His dad said you better make sure your brother knows you are going ?????????

I would love him to be a proud father to the boys, love them cherish them and be a part of their life, respecting them, their rights, their wishes, their hobbies ................but I haven't seen any evidence of this.

Now at the beginning of the holidays I have two boys who saw I had a solicitor letter, of course I am not dumb they have not seen the letter itself, but there have been enough letters for them to know when its a solicitor letter, I told them its nothing fo rthem to worry about, just "daddy' misses them and wants to see them.  Thomas was in tears saying he wishes he would leave him alone and for me to stop referring him to dad, he says he has no dad and Daniel is just confused as he had already said he would see him next week

I guess until they are 18 I will always have him in the background messing things up

Does anyone know anything about mediation????? I have the rights to see the mediator separately as I wont go anywhere near x, but do the boys have their say too ?????

School Holidays kick in tomorrow, as of 3.30pm I will have the boys under my feet, arguing, fighting, winding each other and me up all day

And I can't wait !!!!!!

I just love having them home from school, because for everytime I get to yell at them we have already shared half a dozen funny moments, also there is the added bonus of not having to set an alarm every night too.

Another bonus for me is that because I work in a school I get the same holidays as the boys, I do still have to go to the hospital each day for my 1st job but thats okay too, I have trained the boys really well so that weekends and school holidays they unload the car of the stock I have brought with me whilst I am in the ward doing my job, I come back and they are done unpacking and impatiently waiting They are good boys though and I know I am very blessed.

I'm really looking forward to the next couple of weeks

xxx

My 14 year old is turning into quite a regular hormone loaded young man !!!!!!

My daughter and I found his phone and his screensave is a pretty young actress, leaning over a car bonnet wearing a gold bikini

So we thought we would have some fun, took a couple of cheesy pictures of me and daughter grinning into the camera and quickly swapped one for it to be his new wallpaper.

We then sat and waited.............and waited...............

Finally we gave in and said Thomas your phone just bleeped, he jumped up, ran to his phone, opened it and said

"What the................." fortunately he did stop after the first two words

Even more fortunately he thought it was really funny

Just wondering when I need to start checking under his bed ???????????????

Today April Fools Day is my Mums birthday !

You can imagine the tricks that have played on her over the years

Apparently once her and her friend spent hours staring out the window as they heard on the radio that there was going to be pink snow that day !!!! LOL

Anyway its a double celebration as its also my parents 47th wedding anniversary. She got married on her birthday too.

My Mum is passionate about birthdays, if you like it is her hobby and she sends out about 500 birthday cards a year to everyone she knows. Even people she has had no contact with for years, so you can imagine the teasing we give her over that. But she never forgets a birthday !!!!

Tonight the boys and I are going to tea with her and dad so that should be fun, as you can imagine the boys are very excited about sharing Nans birthday cake

She is such a lovely lady and deserves the best of birthdays

xxx