It all started out okay. I was blissfully happy to feel my waters break at 5:30 am on the 11th Jan, 2006. Contractions started shortly after so I knew this was the real thing. I wanted to waited until the contractions were by rule: 5 mins apart, 1 minute long. They were about 10 minutes apart so I knew I had plenty of time. I went back to bed but couldn't sleep I was so excited. I woke Brad then called the hospital. The doctor who answered wanted me to go in right away. they said that because my waters had broken they needed to examine me and ensure bub was okay. I thought this was a little too soon and argued a bit but ended up giving in and going up at about 10:30. I forgot to mention that my estranged dad had come up form Melbourne especially, but only, for the birth so he was there with me before I left for hospital (I love and miss my dad very much).
Once at the hospital they hooked me up to the monitors to check bub's heart beat and things were going well. I laboured well with active birthing techniques until 5:30. pm. The midwife who was observing me watched me like a hawk and I felt increasingly uncomfortable with the pressure. She offered that if I wished I could go home. She said that I was doing really well with active labour and if I stayed at the hospital the doctors would want to intervene to bring on the baby.
Brad, Jen and Hank (Brad's parents) were glad to take me home. They were tired as well. This was when things went terribly wrong. When we got downstairs at the hospital my contractions intensified so much that I was nearly passing out and gagging with pain. They were coming a minute apart and I couldn't think straight. Despite this I was taken home to my flat, screaming in pain. I didn't even consider the neighbours as I yelled, moaned, screamed and vomitted in my bed. Finally my supporters had the presence of mind to take me back to hospital. Once back at hospital I was so exhausted I couldn't bare active labour anymore. The shower was no help anymore and I screamed for the epidural. I was given gas, morphine and the epidural was inserted by 10:30. Brad's mum went home to bed, observing that I was out of my misery. But not for long.....
I woke again at 2am feeling intense pain again. It felt like I needed to push and I was feeling nauseous and threw up. I started pushing with the midwife's permission. I was pretty out of it by this stage. I remember the midwife coming to me at 5am in the morning and apologizing that she had to go. Then wonderful Margot came into the room. She checked my cervix and was surprised to find me only 8 cm dilated. She had to push my cervix back so that I could push properly. I was so out of it by this stage, Brad reckons I was passing out after every push and would only wake again when I felt a contraction. At 6 am Brad's mum comes back. Straight away she observes that I'm very busy and in no fit state to talk so she goes straight to Brad. "Oooh, you look so tired. Has she been pushing long? How are you? You need a break. Why don't you go and have a rest". Now let me tell you, while she was in that room talking to Brad like that, massaging his shoulders and telling him to TAKE A BREAK I was all alone, in my own head, screaming. Before that he was all I could focus on. He was the one getting me through this and she was taking him away from me in MY time of need. When she left (God knows how long later) I said she wasn't coming back in.... No way!!!!
Finally after pushing for what seemed like eternity Margot said "Hayley, we might have to use the vacuum". She told me she was going to give me an episiotomy in the next contraction and I screamed that I wanted a local anaesthetic. She said there wasn't time. When she cut me I felt the pain a little but it was more relief than ever to push Bubby out at the same time. His whole head burst through in that instant and i can't tell you how relieved I was. I think he was delivered in the next contraction and he was passed up to me for a cuddle. He was so beautiful. I felt like the luckiest woman in the world. We named him Nicholaus and stared at him in gobsmacked awe. I started to breastfeed him and he took it straight away. I was so proud. And then everything went hazy. I felt faint and told Brad I didn't feel good. I felt my head lolling to one side and the registrar and nurses started bustling and making heaps of fuss over me. I passed out but felt as the registrar tugged at the umbilical cord, delivering the placenta. I came to as the registrar was doing my stitches. I moaned "what are you doing? there's still placenta inside..." but she made a joke about it and told me they'd already delivered it. She took so long doing the stitches and I felt quite a few of them. It was 12:00pm on the 12th Jan.
After this, all my family came in wanting to see me and Nicholaus. They were so happy but a little horrified by the amount of blood they could see. They also said I was really puffy and bruised. The nurses reassured everyone that it was because of the saline they were using to replace some blood lost. I could still feel contractions and was very out of it. By 4:30 I still hadn't had a chance to sleep properly, just pass out here and there with the nurses still watching me closely. Finally an Obstetritian came to see me. She could see I was still having contractions and tried to massage down my stomach. I screamed out in pain it was excruciating. I said "No, if you have to do this, take me to theatre! I can't handle any more pain and I want to sleep!"
I was taken to theatre and on the way told that I would need blood transfusions. Once in theatre, I heard them discussing how many bags of saline I had been given and one of the nurses said 2 but I'm pretty sure I remember back at the delivery room someone had said 3. I'm not sure what this has to play in the way I woke up.
As I woke, I remember throwing up and one of the nurses saying something nasty about it as they removed the tube from my throat. They were yelling at me to poke out my tongue and one nurse was telling me to eat ice chips. I didn't know what was going on but I was sure that I was dying and they were telling me to fight. When I started to come out of it called to Brad and I thought he said "I'm here, darling" and I asked for my baby. I asked them "Am I dying? What's happening to me?" I was so panicked. I heard them talking about pre-eclampsia, oedema and allergic reactions and they even said something about sending me up to intensive care. Some doctors stood at the end of my bed talking for some time and I lay there wondering "What the #ell is happening to me???" It was now 5:30 pm and I was still not allowed to sleep. I watched as other mums who'd had caesarians had their babies and family brought into them. I was in pain and too scared to ask for relief thinking "my god, what could happen to my liver?" Finally at 8:30 Brad came into recovery, took one look at me and burst into tears. He told me that he'd gone home but come back thinking there was something wrong. They'd told him that they'd found a piece of placenta the size of your palm still inside an I'd needed 2 blood transfusions.
At 9:30pm they finally took me back to the delivery suite but by this time I was beyond it. I was so tired but I was so traumatised by everything. I didn't know what was happening to me and by the way "Where is my baby?????"
Nicholaus was brought to me and all I could do was cry. My family came in to see me and they all burst into tears. My sister Amelia cried into Chris's shoulder she couldn't bare to look at me. To this day I don't know what I looked like but it was pretty bad. My whole body was swollen up like a balloon and my face was purple and veiny. I only have a couple of photos taken shortly after Nicky was born and if I was worse than that.... I was too scared to look in the mirror for three days.
I physically couldn't get out of bed for three days. On the second day the doctors showed concern about this and found that I had dangerously low haemoglobin levels so gave me another 2 blood transfusions. After that I was told that I should feel better but I didn't. Things continued to get worse. And then the fact that my mother had schizophrenia came out. Now I was in a battle with them about whether the way I felt was in my head or that there was something actually really wrong with me. Mind you I still couldn't sleep.
This goes into a whole new story now about how I developed a post-partum psychosis. Which has nothing to do with what I was originally saying.

My point at the end of all this is that a Birth Plan can be quite detrimental to your emotional state after giving birth. The fact is that giving birth is one of the most stressful and painful experiences that you will ever face and no birth plan is going to stop that. Birth plans are designed to alleviate anxiety before you give birth so that you can put your thoughts in order for what you expect might happen. But birth plans do paint a pretty rosy picture. I must say I was very calm about the whole idea of giving birth given that I had it all planned out. The fact is that things don't usually go according to plan. And when this happens you might wind up feeling that you have failed yourself. If you find this, like me, you may end up with depression. It's a fact, if you don't meet your goals you tend to get depressed. After giving birth these emotions are intensified tenfold.

If you would like to write a comment please return to my article on Birth Plans. I'd really appreciate any feedback to provide other mums with info. on Birth Plans