Today has been rather lonely and difficult. My little man woke up earlier than usual considering he went to bed late last night. He bit me really bad yesterday so I've been really anxious when feeding him. It hurts so much when he bites me but I always remain calm. I put some EBM on my nipple and that has soothed the cut. Nicky has been walking alot more today, taking steps all the way from the kitchen drawers to the lounge room. I'm so proud of him. He knows he's special. When he drops to the floor he looks back at me with a gorgeous Cheshire grin smile. He's beautiful. I've been focussing on the positives today so that I won't get upset or frustrated with Nicky for biting me. I think it's working.

The reason I've been lonely today is that Brad went to Tamworth yesterday for the Country Music Festival. He won't be back until tomorrow and I don't want to be calling him continuously, spoiling his good time. I've been trying to enjoy time to myself with Nicky but it's been a bit difficult. He's still going through his independent stage where he's pretty happy playing on his own and I'm feeling a bit miserable to rouse him away from that. Which has made me feel more lonely. I don't like calling anyone anymore. Something I used to do all the time. I've gotten the message from Jen (Brad's mum) and Amelia (my sister) that they don't really want to talk to me when I'm feeling lonely like this. They do tend to treat me a little weirdly as though I'm always going to drop some kind of bomb on them. So I've chosen not to bother them anymore. (the bombs in the past were pretty shocking for them and I don't think they handled it very well - all to do with Brad and our problems surrounding his drug use/depression and effect on our relationship etc, etc.)

Anyway, I'm feeling lonely but i'm hanging in there. I just put Nicholaus to bed for the night so I can have a shower and relax with a movie. By the way I feel like a lazy slob. This is the first time I've stayed in my PJ's all day since having Nick. So I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

I am really lucky to be able to talk here. I feel like I'm being silenced in society at the moment so I feel fortunate for having Minti. Thankyou if you've read this. It's nice to share if you're feeling a bit low sometimes. I promise I won't do it all the time.

Hope things are a bit better for other Minti members but I know some would be feeling worse than me. I hope those members can, like me, focus on the positive things in there lives and try to blank out the negatives. It helps.... a little.

Hayley xx