The flood gates have opened..........I've been crying all morning. I woke up feeling so moved by everyone's stories. Last night I read Ange's wishes for support after she lost her bubby. She made me realise how wrong I've been towards my own......darling sister.

Last night I resolved to call her this morning. I know that it's Sarah's birthday anniversary coming up. I put those feelings on the shelf knowing I would deal with them when I finally got a chance to talk to her.

Before going to bed I read a beautiful story about a caring...(I just got message and thought it might be from Melanie...............................................................................) mother who's bub was born with a cleft pallet. She thought him so beautiful and precious even before his corrective surgery. And after reading her story I was touched to look at this little bubby and really consider him to beautiful too. I was horrified that people had been so cruel to her, making her feel that her baby was ugly. At those times she would bend down to her bub and whisper "I think you're beautiful" ....................... this makes my heart melt.

All babies are beautiful and we shouldn't do anyone the injustice of feeling sorry. Just because we don't think it would be nice for our baby to be like that. The truth is I would love Nicky no matter what..............I've considered this before once when I considered what it must be like for Sophie, the little girl with horrible burns. I knew back then that nothing could tarnish my love for Nicholaus. I know that I would love him and think he's beautiful no matter what....

I was considering writing an article on this but then realised I hadn't yet rung Mel. I tried to call for some time but couldn't get through to her. She's not answering either of her phones. I started to think that maybe she read what I wrote last night and doesn't want to talk to me now. I know it would be painful for her to know how I'm thinking right now...............I don't want her to think this is about my pain over not being supportive enough for her. I want to be the support now that I never was before.

After trying for some time I got hold of my sister-in-law. I asked her when Sarah's birthday is and she told me it's the 31st Jan. I had a big cry to her and told her everything and she admitted that she feels guilty now too after what I've said.

She told me that Mel's okay and she's at the Breakfast in the Park for Australia Day. Mel's having a blood drive as a special thing for Sarah. She lost a lot of blood when she had Sarah and blood transfusions saved her life. Me too................... I have to go to my sister and be with her as soon as I can. I love her and miss her so much. I've been meaning to get down to see her all of this year so far. I had a trip planned around Nicky and Justin's birthday (her son, my nephew share the same birthday so it was supposed to be a joint celebration). I couldn't afford it then. Now is the time. Nothing is going to stop me..................

you Mel, I can't wait to talk to you. And see you and your beautiful family. Before having Nicky you were all sooooooo special to me. I remember you now and you still are to me so dear.