Today would have been my niece, Sarah's 5th birthday. Five years ago my sister was pregnant with her first beloved daughter. We were all so excited. Mel already had two boys and longed for a daughter, we all looked forward to a little bubby girl.

The day Mel went into hospital, she was being induced. She had the injection and Sarah was fine. Her heartbeat was strong and everything was going well. Until the doctors decided to give Mel an injection of antibiotics, as a precaution for strep. No-one knew that Mel was allergic to penicillan. She didn't even know. She had an anaphylactic reaction and went into shock. The doctors looked at my brother in law and asked who they should save. Mel or the baby. He had to choose Mel. It was the hardest question I think anyone could ever be asked. Poor Sarah didn't make it.

The doctors continued to work on Mel for two hours before stabilising her. She had to have 16 blood transfusions- her blood was replaced more than twice over because it wasn't clotting and there was definitely something very wrong. I was told that my sister nearly died as well. 

Today is Sarah's anniversary. We all miss her very much. In every family photo is a teddy for Sarah, who couldn't be here. She has a little sister born nearly a year to the day, later on the 30th Jan. I believe that if Sarah were here today she'd look just like Georgia. I miss her. Happy Birthday Princess Sarah. You are in my thoughts and I will love you always. I took beautiful flowers to you today and your grandma gave you a little angel. We are burning a candle for you beautiful girl. We love you   

 

My beautiful family at the pool on Nicky's Birthday

It was a great day. Started out with a party in the park with friends then ended up at the pool. Nicky had an excellent first birthday. So much fun!

's Hayley

I spoke to Mel this morning and we've sorted everything out. I'm going down to see her on Monday and I'll stay for the week. There's a lot going on down there next week. It's Georgia's birthday on Tuesday and she's having a birthday party.... Yay!!! Kelly told me Sarah's anniversary is on Monday but it's actually on Wednesday. Mel's organised  a blood drive and she's arranged for everyone she knows to donate blood. Everyone is joining in. She's got the paper and news going too. I can't believe Mel's determination. Yet again she told me that she's fine. I'm not so sure......... I just really want to be there for her this year. I'm so excited to get to see them all again. I love them all so much. Mel's got a new job and she's going to be working a bit while I'm there. I'm so happy for her. She really loves working. While she's at work I'll look after all the kids. They're so much fun. Can't wait to see them!!

I can't wait to show Mel how Nicky's walking now. She's going to be ecstatic. 

Hope everyone else is having a great Australia Day too!!!
Hayley

The flood gates have opened..........I've been crying all morning. I woke up feeling so moved by everyone's stories. Last night I read Ange's wishes for support after she lost her bubby. She made me realise how wrong I've been towards my own......darling sister.

Last night I resolved to call her this morning. I know that it's Sarah's birthday anniversary coming up. I put those feelings on the shelf knowing I would deal with them when I finally got a chance to talk to her.

Before going to bed I read a beautiful story about a caring...(I just got message and thought it might be from Melanie...............................................................................) mother who's bub was born with a cleft pallet. She thought him so beautiful and precious even before his corrective surgery. And after reading her story I was touched to look at this little bubby and really consider him to beautiful too. I was horrified that people had been so cruel to her, making her feel that her baby was ugly. At those times she would bend down to her bub and whisper "I think you're beautiful" ....................... this makes my heart melt.

All babies are beautiful and we shouldn't do anyone the injustice of feeling sorry. Just because we don't think it would be nice for our baby to be like that. The truth is I would love Nicky no matter what..............I've considered this before once when I considered what it must be like for Sophie, the little girl with horrible burns. I knew back then that nothing could tarnish my love for Nicholaus. I know that I would love him and think he's beautiful no matter what....

I was considering writing an article on this but then realised I hadn't yet rung Mel. I tried to call for some time but couldn't get through to her. She's not answering either of her phones. I started to think that maybe she read what I wrote last night and doesn't want to talk to me now. I know it would be painful for her to know how I'm thinking right now...............I don't want her to think this is about my pain over not being supportive enough for her. I want to be the support now that I never was before.

After trying for some time I got hold of my sister-in-law. I asked her when Sarah's birthday is and she told me it's the 31st Jan. I had a big cry to her and told her everything and she admitted that she feels guilty now too after what I've said.

She told me that Mel's okay and she's at the Breakfast in the Park for Australia Day. Mel's having a blood drive as a special thing for Sarah. She lost a lot of blood when she had Sarah and blood transfusions saved her life. Me too................... I have to go to my sister and be with her as soon as I can. I love her and miss her so much. I've been meaning to get down to see her all of this year so far. I had a trip planned around Nicky and Justin's birthday (her son, my nephew share the same birthday so it was supposed to be a joint celebration). I couldn't afford it then. Now is the time. Nothing is going to stop me..................

you Mel, I can't wait to talk to you. And see you and your beautiful family. Before having Nicky you were all sooooooo special to me. I remember you now and you still are to me so dear.

What did I do?................. Nothing.........Why didn't I see her pain? Why didn't I see that she didn't cry?.......That she supported everyone else.... I've just read cookclans advice and I'm beside myself.

How could I be so ignorant? Mel had been looking forward to a little bubby girl for so long. everything was perfect. She had the most traumatic experience that it's not my place to even speak of it. I don't have a patch on her. some people have read the beginning of my story but it's NOTHING compared to what she went through.

She lost her beautiful little girl...........and noone was there for her. I wasn't there for her. Cookclan went through something similar and knows her pain........like only someone who's lost a child can know. She tells us what she would have liked people to do for her...... I did none of those things.

I am ashamed to call myself her sister. She is one of the most precious people in the world to me and I let her down. When I had Nicholaus I drew strength from her and completely forgot what she'd gone through. I thought what happened to me was what had happened to her.......... I thought I could have been allergic to penicillin too and that's why I nearly died too............I let her support me completely forgetting how close it was to Sarah's birthday.

I have NOTHING to complain about. She lost her beautiful, most treasured little girl...... I'm still here and I've got a beautiful healthy little boy..............I can't believe I've been so neglectful of my beautiful sister.

OMG Poor Mel..... She is the most beautiful person you could meet. I really mean that. She does anything for anyone.............She won an annual Good Neighbour award because of her services to her community. She's helped so many women in trouble or needing a hand. Cooking meals for them......buying groceries.....looking after their children........buying presents her friends couldn't afford........She has taken on so many people and now she's becoming a counselor............She is the most amazing person I know.

How could I not see? She's been in so much pain.....

Why didn't I do anything?

(Please don't judge me too harshly.........I feel like an absolute wreck now........)

It's Sarah's anniversary coming up. I'm going to be there for her this year............Too little too late.

I feel so happy tonight about Nicky. He is walking everywhere now. Today he walked into my arms, laughing. It was the most precious moment. I had to take a mental picture because Brad's taken the camera to the Big Day Out. I might try to get a photo of him or video of him doing it tomorrow.

This is such an exciting time. When he walks he giggles and grins like he hasn't done for a little while. Since he started crawling he's been so independent and I felt like I was losing him a bit. He wants to play with me a lot more again. Yay!!! I love sometimes just sitting and playing with his toys with him. I haven't been to 'parents as teachers' for a while and i've never gone to play group so i've just been playing with him in whatever way comes naturally at the time. I'd like to know what other mums do to play with their babies at this age.

I might go and post a question about it to get some more inspiration.

Hope everyone's had a good day

It all started out okay. I was blissfully happy to feel my waters break at 5:30 am on the 11th Jan, 2006. Contractions started shortly after so I knew this was the real thing. I wanted to waited until the contractions were by rule: 5 mins apart, 1 minute long. They were about 10 minutes apart so I knew I had plenty of time. I went back to bed but couldn't sleep I was so excited. I woke Brad then called the hospital. The doctor who answered wanted me to go in right away. they said that because my waters had broken they needed to examine me and ensure bub was okay. I thought this was a little too soon and argued a bit but ended up giving in and going up at about 10:30. I forgot to mention that my estranged dad had come up form Melbourne especially, but only, for the birth so he was there with me before I left for hospital (I love and miss my dad very much).
Once at the hospital they hooked me up to the monitors to check bub's heart beat and things were going well. I laboured well with active birthing techniques until 5:30. pm. The midwife who was observing me watched me like a hawk and I felt increasingly uncomfortable with the pressure. She offered that if I wished I could go home. She said that I was doing really well with active labour and if I stayed at the hospital the doctors would want to intervene to bring on the baby.
Brad, Jen and Hank (Brad's parents) were glad to take me home. They were tired as well. This was when things went terribly wrong. When we got downstairs at the hospital my contractions intensified so much that I was nearly passing out and gagging with pain. They were coming a minute apart and I couldn't think straight. Despite this I was taken home to my flat, screaming in pain. I didn't even consider the neighbours as I yelled, moaned, screamed and vomitted in my bed. Finally my supporters had the presence of mind to take me back to hospital. Once back at hospital I was so exhausted I couldn't bare active labour anymore. The shower was no help anymore and I screamed for the epidural. I was given gas, morphine and the epidural was inserted by 10:30. Brad's mum went home to bed, observing that I was out of my misery. But not for long.....
I woke again at 2am feeling intense pain again. It felt like I needed to push and I was feeling nauseous and threw up. I started pushing with the midwife's permission. I was pretty out of it by this stage. I remember the midwife coming to me at 5am in the morning and apologizing that she had to go. Then wonderful Margot came into the room. She checked my cervix and was surprised to find me only 8 cm dilated. She had to push my cervix back so that I could push properly. I was so out of it by this stage, Brad reckons I was passing out after every push and would only wake again when I felt a contraction. At 6 am Brad's mum comes back. Straight away she observes that I'm very busy and in no fit state to talk so she goes straight to Brad. "Oooh, you look so tired. Has she been pushing long? How are you? You need a break. Why don't you go and have a rest". Now let me tell you, while she was in that room talking to Brad like that, massaging his shoulders and telling him to TAKE A BREAK I was all alone, in my own head, screaming. Before that he was all I could focus on. He was the one getting me through this and she was taking him away from me in MY time of need. When she left (God knows how long later) I said she wasn't coming back in.... No way!!!!
Finally after pushing for what seemed like eternity Margot said "Hayley, we might have to use the vacuum". She told me she was going to give me an episiotomy in the next contraction and I screamed that I wanted a local anaesthetic. She said there wasn't time. When she cut me I felt the pain a little but it was more relief than ever to push Bubby out at the same time. His whole head burst through in that instant and i can't tell you how relieved I was. I think he was delivered in the next contraction and he was passed up to me for a cuddle. He was so beautiful. I felt like the luckiest woman in the world. We named him Nicholaus and stared at him in gobsmacked awe. I started to breastfeed him and he took it straight away. I was so proud. And then everything went hazy. I felt faint and told Brad I didn't feel good. I felt my head lolling to one side and the registrar and nurses started bustling and making heaps of fuss over me. I passed out but felt as the registrar tugged at the umbilical cord, delivering the placenta. I came to as the registrar was doing my stitches. I moaned "what are you doing? there's still placenta inside..." but she made a joke about it and told me they'd already delivered it. She took so long doing the stitches and I felt quite a few of them. It was 12:00pm on the 12th Jan.
After this, all my family came in wanting to see me and Nicholaus. They were so happy but a little horrified by the amount of blood they could see. They also said I was really puffy and bruised. The nurses reassured everyone that it was because of the saline they were using to replace some blood lost. I could still feel contractions and was very out of it. By 4:30 I still hadn't had a chance to sleep properly, just pass out here and there with the nurses still watching me closely. Finally an Obstetritian came to see me. She could see I was still having contractions and tried to massage down my stomach. I screamed out in pain it was excruciating. I said "No, if you have to do this, take me to theatre! I can't handle any more pain and I want to sleep!"
I was taken to theatre and on the way told that I would need blood transfusions. Once in theatre, I heard them discussing how many bags of saline I had been given and one of the nurses said 2 but I'm pretty sure I remember back at the delivery room someone had said 3. I'm not sure what this has to play in the way I woke up.
As I woke, I remember throwing up and one of the nurses saying something nasty about it as they removed the tube from my throat. They were yelling at me to poke out my tongue and one nurse was telling me to eat ice chips. I didn't know what was going on but I was sure that I was dying and they were telling me to fight. When I started to come out of it called to Brad and I thought he said "I'm here, darling" and I asked for my baby. I asked them "Am I dying? What's happening to me?" I was so panicked. I heard them talking about pre-eclampsia, oedema and allergic reactions and they even said something about sending me up to intensive care. Some doctors stood at the end of my bed talking for some time and I lay there wondering "What the #ell is happening to me???" It was now 5:30 pm and I was still not allowed to sleep. I watched as other mums who'd had caesarians had their babies and family brought into them. I was in pain and too scared to ask for relief thinking "my god, what could happen to my liver?" Finally at 8:30 Brad came into recovery, took one look at me and burst into tears. He told me that he'd gone home but come back thinking there was something wrong. They'd told him that they'd found a piece of placenta the size of your palm still inside an I'd needed 2 blood transfusions.
At 9:30pm they finally took me back to the delivery suite but by this time I was beyond it. I was so tired but I was so traumatised by everything. I didn't know what was happening to me and by the way "Where is my baby?????"
Nicholaus was brought to me and all I could do was cry. My family came in to see me and they all burst into tears. My sister Amelia cried into Chris's shoulder she couldn't bare to look at me. To this day I don't know what I looked like but it was pretty bad. My whole body was swollen up like a balloon and my face was purple and veiny. I only have a couple of photos taken shortly after Nicky was born and if I was worse than that.... I was too scared to look in the mirror for three days.
I physically couldn't get out of bed for three days. On the second day the doctors showed concern about this and found that I had dangerously low haemoglobin levels so gave me another 2 blood transfusions. After that I was told that I should feel better but I didn't. Things continued to get worse. And then the fact that my mother had schizophrenia came out. Now I was in a battle with them about whether the way I felt was in my head or that there was something actually really wrong with me. Mind you I still couldn't sleep.
This goes into a whole new story now about how I developed a post-partum psychosis. Which has nothing to do with what I was originally saying.

My point at the end of all this is that a Birth Plan can be quite detrimental to your emotional state after giving birth. The fact is that giving birth is one of the most stressful and painful experiences that you will ever face and no birth plan is going to stop that. Birth plans are designed to alleviate anxiety before you give birth so that you can put your thoughts in order for what you expect might happen. But birth plans do paint a pretty rosy picture. I must say I was very calm about the whole idea of giving birth given that I had it all planned out. The fact is that things don't usually go according to plan. And when this happens you might wind up feeling that you have failed yourself. If you find this, like me, you may end up with depression. It's a fact, if you don't meet your goals you tend to get depressed. After giving birth these emotions are intensified tenfold.

If you would like to write a comment please return to my article on Birth Plans. I'd really appreciate any feedback to provide other mums with info. on Birth Plans

I was just about to go to bed when Nicky woke up. He still isn't too happy, a bit unwell still. I had to give him a breastfeed to put him back down, and it worked. Sometimes while he's been sick I've done whatever he wants me to to help him get to sleep. I feel a bit stupid now. Given that i've gone through what I have with Nicky's sleeping problems and the success that I've had, I thought I was qualified to help others. I don't know about this anymore. In the words of Brad today (on an issue unrelated to this one) I should 'practice what I preach'. I thought this when I first joined Minti: Who am I to offer anyone advice?

Case you didn't realise I'm feeling particularly hard on myself at the moment. I've opened up and told people about what I've gone through and I feel like people are turning their backs. This is a huge problem for depression. The stigma surrounding mental illness prevents some people from sitting up and taking notice. Unfortunately some of these people might be in denial themselves.

Whoops Nicky's just woken up again. Like I said "What do I know?"

Today has been rather lonely and difficult. My little man woke up earlier than usual considering he went to bed late last night. He bit me really bad yesterday so I've been really anxious when feeding him. It hurts so much when he bites me but I always remain calm. I put some EBM on my nipple and that has soothed the cut. Nicky has been walking alot more today, taking steps all the way from the kitchen drawers to the lounge room. I'm so proud of him. He knows he's special. When he drops to the floor he looks back at me with a gorgeous Cheshire grin smile. He's beautiful. I've been focussing on the positives today so that I won't get upset or frustrated with Nicky for biting me. I think it's working.

The reason I've been lonely today is that Brad went to Tamworth yesterday for the Country Music Festival. He won't be back until tomorrow and I don't want to be calling him continuously, spoiling his good time. I've been trying to enjoy time to myself with Nicky but it's been a bit difficult. He's still going through his independent stage where he's pretty happy playing on his own and I'm feeling a bit miserable to rouse him away from that. Which has made me feel more lonely. I don't like calling anyone anymore. Something I used to do all the time. I've gotten the message from Jen (Brad's mum) and Amelia (my sister) that they don't really want to talk to me when I'm feeling lonely like this. They do tend to treat me a little weirdly as though I'm always going to drop some kind of bomb on them. So I've chosen not to bother them anymore. (the bombs in the past were pretty shocking for them and I don't think they handled it very well - all to do with Brad and our problems surrounding his drug use/depression and effect on our relationship etc, etc.)

Anyway, I'm feeling lonely but i'm hanging in there. I just put Nicholaus to bed for the night so I can have a shower and relax with a movie. By the way I feel like a lazy slob. This is the first time I've stayed in my PJ's all day since having Nick. So I shouldn't be too hard on myself.

I am really lucky to be able to talk here. I feel like I'm being silenced in society at the moment so I feel fortunate for having Minti. Thankyou if you've read this. It's nice to share if you're feeling a bit low sometimes. I promise I won't do it all the time.

Hope things are a bit better for other Minti members but I know some would be feeling worse than me. I hope those members can, like me, focus on the positive things in there lives and try to blank out the negatives. It helps.... a little.

Hayley xx

Nicky and Brad fooling around on a recent picnic. I love it when Nicky laughs with Daddy. It's the most infectious sound. They're adorable together. What do you think?

I am absolutely exhausted. I am drained, can barely type but I've got to get this out or I'm going to blow. Today has been a really, really bad day. I had to take Nicholaus to the doctor this morning. I've been worried about him after his immunisations. He's had fevers, he's got a sore throat, seemed to have an earache, his nose was running some yucky brownish green mucus etc. I had plenty of reason to take him to the doctor. So, as usual we have to wait over an hour, we both coped pretty well with this. Except on top of the 45 mins drive into town, it was much longer than I wanted to have my sick bub out of the house and in the heat. On the way home I realise that the car was overheating. I pulled over under a shady tree and luckily there was a bit of a breeze so Nicky was able to sleep in the car with all the windows down while I waited for Brad to come help me. This was a saving grace. It could have been much worse if I had've continued driving, and broke down, rather than stopping where I did (At least I can be thankfull for that). By the time Brad got there at 2:00, Nicky had woken up and was hungry but the cut fruit I had packed for him was spoiled. I hated having to get McDonald's for him, I always pack him sandwiches but was in such a hurry this morning. Nicky and I didn't get home until 4:00 and I barely sat down before getting up to make dinner. Bubby barely touched his vegies but ate his chicken (thankful for that too). Although he didn't eat much, he seemed to be feeling alot better. I started his bedtime routine at 6:30 with his usual bath, play and bedtime stories. When I put him into bed at 7:30 he started crying straight away and I immediately detected a sore throat could be the reason. I gave him some panadol and a bit of a top-up breastfeed hoping that would do the trick. Nuh!!! I didn't want him crying himself hoarse considering that was the reason he was crying (oh what to do???). I tried feeding him off to sleep, he liked this - I was his throat lozenge for half an hour. When I tried to put him back down and he swallowed, more crying (UUUGH!!! What do I do??). I was sure it was a sore throat but I'd only given him panadol an hour and a half ago so I couldn't give him any more. And the crying was making it worse. I used to always rock him to sleep so I tried that, no good either. He's so strong, he was pushing me away and he's so heavy. Finally, I rung Brad (oh forgot to mention - He's out watching his friend's band play in town). Was hoping he might be able to go to the all night pharmacy and get something for bubs to help him sleep and or ease his sore throat (I've never tried Phenergen, so thought pharmacist might suggest something like that). Meanwhile all I can do is rock Nicky. He's slowly giving in, submitting to sleep, oooh finally he's asleep. Bliss, 10:00. Quickly called Brad to tell him no worry anymore but he's already left and is on his way. Not yet at the chemist. The other reason for my being absolutely beside myself is no longer true. Brad's just walked through the door so I won't bore you with the details. Let's just say that Brad's is still clean and serene. Lucky!! I don't know if I could have handled one more thing today. I need a break!!!

Nicky had his 12 month immunisations yesterday and he's not very happy about it. They included the Measles, Mumps, Rubella (MMR), Hib and Meningiccocal. He was pretty upset at the time but mummy cuddles and a breast feed made him feel a bit better. After a nice long nap he played well until dinner. We did his usual bedtime routine and I gave him a dose of paracetamol because he was starting to feel a bit hot and he had a runny nose. When I put him down in his cot he called out to me 5 minutes later. I gave him another cuddle for a good 20 minutes but he was inconsolable. I knew that paracetamol was really the only thing for him and I'd already done that. So I gave him a top-up breastfeed. He went to sleep after that but woke again at 10:30. This time I became worried so I rung the after hours emergency GP. She suggested that the meningiccocal injection site could be pretty sore so offered that we use some ice to calm the swelling. This worked really well. He had another dose of paracetamol at 11:30 and another breastfeed. Again he went to sleep but woke again at 4:30. I gave him another breastfeed and he was fine after that. This morning he's been a little bit better but woke up teary and sounding very congested. I'm giving him more breastfeeds today and don't mind if he falls asleep at the boob. The poor little darling, I know it won't last and it's for the best, but I'm allowed to feel a bit bad for him. Truly though, the amount of suffering he's going through now would be NOTHING compared to him actually getting sick from one of those illnesses. I am so glad I chose to immunise Nicky.

Nicky has been biting me when I give him his breastfeed, the little bugger! I try not to react too much because I don't want to make him scared but I can't help it, it hurts! Ouch! I've tried a couple of things to stop him biting. First, I try to feed where it's quiet so he's not distracted. When other people are around he''ll pull off continually and then chomp on my nipple. Auugh! Second, I hold him close so he doesn't slip down the nipple and have a bit of a chomp as he comes off. Third, when he bites I detach him and put him down on the floor. The first time I did this he didn't really react. He actually started biting me as a message to me that he wanted to go down. So fourth, I started saying "No!" and putting him down. Then he got upset which is what I didn't want. So now I talk to him and watch him carefully towards the end of a feed. I say "Gentle... " and hopefully if I hold him in close he won't bite. On a brighter note, Nicky is continuing to walk with a bit more confidence especially pushing his new toy lawnmower. How cute, he can go help daddy now!

Nicky took six steps today. Of course it was to walk towards Gram holding out his birthday tongs! What a hoot. He has all these awesome toys and his favourite toy is tongs. I dunno - kids eh? He's unreal. I can't believe just a year and a day ago he was this tiny little bubby and now he's, he's walkin'. It's unbelievable how quick he's grown. Mind you I can't remember the first two months and the first four or five are very hazy. I've posted a blog about why in the breastfeeding support group. I don't want to relive it again now. I already did that a couple of days ago. Right now I just want to focus on how wonderful our little boy is. He's not that little anymore now. We spent all day playing with his new toys. I can't believe how many awesome toys he has now. He was given an unreal pirate ship. Nicky played with this the most today. He keeps pulling it apart and putting it back together. Funny, what is he thinking when he does that? "oooh, ooh pull it off! ooh, put it back on! pull it off! put it back on! .. .."

Today is Nicky's first birthday. Yippee!!!!!! We had a great day although it was very HOT!! We had a BBQ in the park with an icecream birthday cake. We went to the pool after that to cool down. Nicky loved it. The blessed little cherub is asleep now, having blissful dreams of a funfilled day. OOOh! He's a gorgeous angel.

I went to the doctor yesterday to tell her about the huge lump and pain in my groin. I'd fobbed it off as a cyst on my ovary but the devil in me was worrying about more sinister things. She suggested that it could be an inguinal hernia. For anyone who doesn't know it's where a little hole appears in the lower abdomial wall and some bowel (uugh!) pokes down though this. This is what the lump is. The lump may recede when laying down or it may be pushed back up into the abdominal cavity. It causes some pain when you cough, sneeze or lift something. In my case, my little boy who weighs in at a hefty 14 kgs (a nice weight for a not yet walking 12MO old). Anyway, it's not definate that it's a hernia. I'm going for an ultrasound next week. I'd be surprised if it is a hernia because Nicholaus had one when he was first born. They're very common in little baby boys. He was pretty uncomfortable with his. His got so big that it descended right down into his testicles and was as big as a golfball. We had to push it back continually but as soon as he cried, sneezed or coughed it would pop back out again. With the strain of crying it pushed out even further which was even more painful. So he would begin crying for any normal reason but because it hurt to cry, he couldn't stop. We had to go up to emergency three times because it was going purple, and we couldn't push it back. He also wasn't pooing for two weeks running. That it was purple and couldn't be pushed in meant it was possible that he could have had a twisted bowel, which is extremely painful and can be life threatening. After two months of waiting to see a paediatritian, but continual checkups with the GP and baby health nurse, he said that it was urgent to be operated within a week. He was only 11 weeks old when he had the operation. I was frightened for many reasons. His pain, the anaesthetic, his feeding just to name a few. I was breastfeeding so he was absolutely starving by the time we got to the hospital and the wait was horrible. I walked the floor with him and consoled him as best I could. He went to sleep in my arms and I laid him down in the hospital cot. The staff all knew about my horrific hospital experience when bub was born so were really great. They knew how extremely anxious I was so they let me go with him to theatre but I had to leave for the surgery. I was sick with worry. When he came out he was screaming. The nurses ran to get me because he was inconsolable. Once I got to him, I started crying myself and held him close. It took me about 5 minutes to get him latched on because my breasts were like rocks. I hadn't expressed some milk off as I had planned. I was also extremely tense so couldn't let down easily. I had many reasons to feel the way I did. That room was where I woke up thinking I was dying. The same nurse was there too. It was familiar yet strange because I didn't have my bearings. Anyway, Nicky went to sleep. He was exhausted and I cried with relief that he would now be okay. They showed me the incisions and I was glad that they were so neat and small. They had glued rather than stiched them so they looked even better. He was a bit sleepy for a few days and the scars healed up really well. Overnight he became a different baby. He was more relaxed, slept better, fed better, and cried less. He began pooing regularly again. Once on solids at 5 1/2 MO he pooed once a day and to this day I love changing his pooey nappies. So there's a bit of appretiation for you.

As an early party for Nicholaus, we went to the pool today. Had a great time! Dad and the family along with Chris and Amelia were there. Nicky was a little frightened of the water at first, it was colder than usual. Have taken him a couple of times before and he loved it so I was a bit surprised. Anyway, he ended up really enjoying it. We had a yummy chocolate birthday cake for him. He scoffed it down and smeared it all over his face. It was gorgeous. Funny how since I had Nicky I've been a real 'fraidy cat. Now I'm really frightened of scary movies, fast driving and anything remotely dangerous. Today Brad wanted me to go on the diving board with him but I couldn't even contemplate it. Then he wanted me to go down the waterslide and I was really afraid of that too. He talked me into it and when we walked up all the stairs to the top I could barely look down. I obviously now have a fear of heights too. Weird!! Nicholaus was so cute in the water today with his new bright orange floaties on and his adorable black swimming outfit and hat. He walked four steps today. He gets more and more confidence everyday. It's only a matter of time before he's walking. And then I won't know what's hit me!!! I said goodbye to Dad and the family tonight. They're heading back to Victoria. I miss them already. I have to make sure I keep better contact with them now that they know their beautiful Grandson and nephew.

Oh My God! What a head spin. My family are sending me slowly crazy. Brad and I have been together for 10 years now and are very close with his family. My beautiful sister and his younger brother have been going out on and off for the last year and a half. The Problem?????? Everyone is going mental! Brad's just come out to his family a month ago about his depression/drinking/smoking and marijuana use and his resolve to do something about it. They're all flipping out. His mum, dad and bro have lost it. They're calling one another talking about how bad everything is, that I'm an inch away from leaving Brad (which couldn't be further from the truth), and all kinds of melodramatic bullsh#t. I'm sick to death of them dramatising everything to one another and not calling the people involved i.e. us!! Yesterday I saw my own dad for the first time in a year. They've all got a gripe with my dad for not being there for us when things got so tough when I had my post-partum psychosis. They were expecting Brad to have a difficult time so called Chris (not Brad!!!!!!!) to see if he was okay. Meanwhile they're continuing to bitch and moan instead of getting on with things. And now I've just found out that Chris and Amelia (Brad's bro and My sis) have had a fight about it all because he defends his mum and she is defending me. From what I can tell Amelia is just as sick as me with this petty behind the back cycle of communication. I wish everyone would quit being backwards in coming forwards!!!!!

Today was wonderful. I saw my dad and step-mum for the first time since Nicky was born a year ago. They love him to bits and were playing with him as though they've been here all along. How could they not fall in love at first sight with my gorgeous little man? This afternoon we came home to see Brad's parents, Nicky's wonderful Gram and Pop. Jen played with Nicky for a good hour and Nicky giggled and grinned the whole time. He really does bring out the best in his grandparents!!!

Oh my god! Nicky was just playing with his toy of the moment - the tongs - when I heard him go all quiet. Then I heard him cough. I've run out to find him with the bin lid open scoffing into grapes I threw out an hour 1/2 ago. And he had melted cheese sandwich, half eaten and smeared all over the kitchen floor. Yuuuuuuk!

I've been at home now for three days in a row. I usually go out a lot, have meetings to go to and so on. Everything is off for the Chrissy holidays and I just don't feel like getting out. It's a beautiful day out there, sun's shining, cicadas singing. I'm all dressed up ready to go but I just can't be bothered. Of course Nicky's down for a nap so I have an excuse to just sit for a bit longer but I know that it's inevetable. I have to go out!! I feel a bit lonely at the moment. Nobody visits, nobody calls. So I might go to the shops. The family are coming tomorrow, the first time we'll have seen them in a year!! Maybe I should buy some pressies.

Phew, Nicky's down for his nap and it's my turn to have a rest. Oooh it feels so good to just sit and relax and not have to worry about anyone but me for at least an hour. I'm not ashamed to say that I like just a bit of time to myself. This is my time to refill my metaphorical cup and rejuvenate so that when Nicky wakes again I can be the best mum I can be. So let me just go to fridge and see what chocolate goodies I have. Mmmm C-ya!

Wow! How exciting! I only just found this site. I've been wanting to start a journal of the trials and tribulations of parenthood for some time now and here's my chance. Thankyou Minti!!! Nicky's first birthday is coming up and i'm a bit concerned. I'd like to celebrate his birthday in style. I only have handful of people to celebrate with. My family are coming from interstate to visit this week - the first visit since Nicky's birth in January last year. They're leaving the day before Nicky's birthday. i'm a bit disappointed but hey i have to deal with it.