This week has been really refreshing. Nick's at that wonderful age where he's exploring looking at everything. But he generally knows where everything is at home now so will, every now and again, return to me and put his head on me and try to hug me or climb on my back. I love it! I was a little upset when he started being really independent as, when I picked him up, he would push me away wanting to get down and go, go, go. He wasn't interested in me anymore and I still wanted to be able to play with him. But he's coming back to me now, wanting me again and I'm loving it.

Over the past few months, I began a search for all the different things I could do to captivate his interest and entice him to play but for the most part he would just want to be off exploring - his nickname at the moment is 'Little Explorer' or 'splorer' for short. Mind you he's had a few; 'Boss', 'Grizzle Bear' and 'Cuddle Bear' to name a few hehehe. The other day I put him on my back as I crawled around the floor pretending to be a horse. He laughed so hard and really cuddled me and squealed in my ear. It was so awesome, we had so much fun. Another game which he loves is sitting on my lap, facing me while I rock him singing 'Row, row, row your boat', 'Ride a horse to Banbury Cross' and 'Giddy up horsey'. He loves that too. Nick's becoming more interactive with me day by day and I'm really soaking it in, enjoying every minute.

I suppose this week has been especially fun filled because it's mostly been devoted to play. Monday we had a play date with Zach, who's a bit older than Nick, but they had a great time together all the same. Tuesday we went to playgroup for the first time - We're pretty new to the area and have been wanting to go for some time but I wasn't really ready to go before now. I was a little shy but watching Nick play so well with the others I came out of my shell. He even did a beautiful finger painting that's proudly on my fridge now. It's awesome!! I loved it when all the little kiddies sat down for refreshments and Nick sat down like all the bigger kids and enjoyed his sandwiches, fruit and water. I was so proud! Wednesday was another play day. We went to our weekly support group for behavioural development. We again had lots of fun, singing songs and playing with toys and the other kids. Then today we had a lovely day again, horsing around and laughing and singing.

I'm feeling more contented every day, really enjoying being a mum. It's definitely getting easier to know what Nicky wants and when. He's so easy and happy and loving and adorable. I feel I've been blessed with the cutest, most beautiful little boy I could ever have dreamed of having. He's amazing and I love him so much. Good night my beautiful little cherub!

's Nickysmummum

This morning was sooooo much fun. Nick's got a new little friend. His name's Zach and he's so cute and adorable. I've made friends with a close friend from way back and was pleasantly surprised to find she's a mum too and having another bub in April. This was their first play date this morning and already they're great friends -- so proud!!! They were walking around the house bumping into one another and playing with toys and ride-in cars and opening and closing doors, just being so cute together. So beautiful to see Nicky growing up and playing with bigger kids and really socialising. He's not quite there yet but with time and practice he'll get to the sharing stage and communicating stage as well. They mostly played alongside one another but there was a really funny time when they were both wanting to ride in the car so I tried to get Nick to play with something else and share. But then Zach wanted to play with that toy and Nick returned to the car, henceforth so did Zach. So I showed Zach how to push Nick in the car and they had a great time. It's hard to teach kids how to share and play gently but I find I'm just going to have to be constantly vigilant and ever watching and directing to make sure Nick plays nicely.

Hope anyone who has children at this age can share their experiences, be nice to hear from you!

's Hayley xxx

"I'm listening to Jazz and I've got to look the part" hehehehe



"Let me go Aunty Mia, I wanna go and play!!!"



Nicky picking flowers for mummy "Nicky, don't pick the beautiful flowers! So pretty!!!"

Now, I'm a bit of a control freak........ I think.....................

I know I'm not as bad as some but I know that when I feel I'm not in control of a situation I feel extremely anxious. Must say I'm not an overly organised person so I know I don't necessarily want to control things (I'd like to be tidier. Although I can't always keep things as neat and tidy as I like so I do feel a bit anxious about that). I think my need for control is really to do with people, namely myself and those I hold near and dear. Last night I realised something that's going to make me pretty anxious in the future............ the loss of control of my little 1YO boy. I know that when he reaches 2 years of age (or for him perhaps a little earlier) he's going to start the 'Terrible 2's' where he starts fighting for his own autonomy, control and power. I started considering this whilst watching Nick on the kitchen floor, on his belly with arms and legs everywhere smearing water from his sippy cup all over the floor.

I wasn't particularly frustrated but I got concerned about this loss of power over him - here's my little boy having fun and who am I to tell him "That's naughty"?. Well it's not really naughty. He's just a baby. If he were a bit older I'm sure I would be able to explain not to make a mess and why etc. But I also have to allow him to have fun and not control him (too much). I know I'm going to find it really frustrating when he starts challenging me. I don't want to be a dictator and say thou shalt do this and not do that. I'd like to be able to teach him why he should or shouldn't behave in such a way and therefore teach him self-discipline. I know that this won't work until he's a bit older but "how do you reason with a two-year-old?". I think in that case distraction might be in order.

I'm feeling a little better about this but I know I'll just have to cross this bridge when we come to it. I've laid some foundations to make it a little easier though. I have already been ensuring that he knows the meaning of "no". I'm teaching him the difference between good and bad attention, offering him lots of praise and attention when he's playing with his toys, walking, putting shapes in his shape sorter, sharing, playing gently with other children and animals etc, etc. I ensure that I say no in a firm 'no means no' voice and display the action that I want him to do - e.g. going near the power point or generally doing something that he may hurt himself doing, I'll steer him in the opposite direction.

Hopefully, when the time comes I'll be prepared for this challenge. Rather than getting frustrated I'd like to be able to embrace it as a sign of him expressing his individuality and becoming an autonomous little person in his own right, having a degree of power and assertion. What my challenge should be is 'how to teach him self control' and self discipline. A challenge which I believe is going to take many, many years. Knowing this I think I'm up for it !!

's Hayley xxx

I'm amazed with myself. I've always fought the Monday blues - I wonder if anyone else can relate - and today for the first time I am happy and uplifted. Thankyou Minti and all my wonderful friends. You've played a big part. The in-laws came home for the weekend and I put on my smiles and focussed on just being my own happy self. I followed Raine's advice and put the gag on so to speak. I stopped interrupting and just listened to my MIL. I know that it really made her happier because she showed more confidence talking to me than she has in a long time - I never realised I was affecting her and making her just a little bit nasty and rude herself.

Anyway yesterday we went for a picnic in the park and, lucky us, there was a brass band so we listened to jazz music all afternoon. It was wonderful. We ate prawns and chips and played around with Nicky.

Today was nice and relaxing. It was raining and I felt like just staying at home with Nicky and enjoyed playing and laughing with him. He's at such a fun age. He even went to bed at his old bedtime tonight so I've had a little more time to relax with Minti. What an adorable little man. I have an awesome photo to put up of Nicky for foto Friday. I've missed the last few and this one's going to take the cake. I wonder how many saw the video clip with Nicky in it. It's awesome!! He makes me so proud!

I'd like to read some more advice so I must dash, hope everyone's having a great night!

's Hayley xxx

Whoever knows the meaning of the song 'Auld Lang Syne'? Should old acquaintance be forgot? I don't think so.

As of last year, it's 10 years since I finished high school and I miss my school friends constantly. To cut a long story short, I experienced depression in year 12, living on my own without family. My father was posted at the beginning of the year and they all moved seven hours away. We rarely talked. I was miserable when all my friends focussed on their exams and saw less of me. Till then they were my lifeline. I was sooooo alone. I only just opened up to my psychiatrist about this the other day and it's brought some emotions closer to the surface. Over the years I've repressed a lot.

My best friend throughout high school was J. We were inseparable and shared all of our most intimate secrets. We were the best of friends. At the end of year 12 we had a falling out and, in my depressed state I let her take over all of our friends. They all stayed in contact despite themselves all moving away. I was blown to the wind. I saw J shopping with her mum, as she'd come home for Easter five years ago. She didn't even stop to talk to me. I saw her say to her mum "There's HH" and she just kept walking and didn't glance back. I was mortified. I've never in the last 11 years had my family live close by and am still trying to reconcile a relationship with my dad, rarely get to speak to my mum because of her mental illness so basically am pretty lonely. Friends always meant the world to me but after high school....... I just felt so betrayed.

i find it difficult to make and keep friends now. After all if you can't have a good relationship with your own parents how can you nurture friendships. (I know because of my insecure attachments with my own parents, I have an affinity to not develop attachments or develop insecure attachments with others - It' a flaw that I can't help, it comes from my heritage. I can only try).

At Christmas I started to feel more lonely than I have in a long time. I realised that I don't have many friends and began yearning for that closeness again. So i rang a friend who had also fallen out with everyone, R. She's since become friends with J again and told me J was to come home for Christamas and was leaving for Ireland on New Years Eve. I plucked up the courage to call her but there was no answer. I tried until New Years and then gave up. I'd missed my chance. It was too late. And so on New Years Eve, I decided Auld Lang Syne. She's gone, it's time to give up the ghost.

A couple of days after New Years I bumped into two guys from school. One of which is the hubby of another very close friend from school, T. i was extremely lucky to get her number and e-dress. I've been writing to her and am soooooo glad for my luck in relocating her and our reconciliation. I feel like it's the beginning of 10 years of hurt and betrayal lifting from my back. I'm really looking forward to her returning from Paris so we can continue to rebuild our friendship.

Today by another stroke of luck I ran into another school friend who knew that K, my third and most treasured friend was home for Christmas/New Years. He told me that she's leaving tomorrow so I had to get in quick. I rung her tonight. Again I felt that wash of reminiscence, and felt the pain subsiding once again. We're going to get together when she comes back home for Easter and I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!! I'm really excited. To finally after all these years reconcile with two of my most dearest friends, I am in heaven! It's so important to me. I've been alone in the darkness for so long and now I can see the light again.

Unfortunately I may never reconcile with J but it's taken me all this time to realise that she was a fair weather friend. When she saw that things were getting tough for me, she ran a mile. She never understood why my family didn't support me, even though I came so close to her. i lived with her in the beginning and she could never understand why my dad never sent any money and resented me for her wealthy parents supporting me. Realising this I left and payed S+M back for all their kindness. They really were beautiful people to me and J was very lucky to have them as her parents. I know that S knew how much I appreciated their generosity and why I needed to leave. I hoped it might save our friendship. It did........... for a while. So Auld Lang Syne, should old acquaintance be forgot? Yes, fair weather friends and acquaintances too.

's Hayley
  

I've had the most fulfilling day in a long time. I felt almost normal again. I was up bright and early with Nick and had him breakfasted and dressed and myself all ready and out the door within an hour - mind you Brad had a nice sleep in and just came out to say goodbye (no worries, it didn't even phase me as it would usually). i went to my support group today for the first time since before Xmas. Nicky's graduated to the next class and I was a little apprehensive to be with the new mums but I'd already met them before so my anxiety was unnecessary. They ended up being a really nice bunch of ladies, albeit with a few problems, and I really look forward to seeing them again next week.

Nick was so good in the group. C and R (the counselors) were so impressed to see him walking, last time they saw him he was still crawling. He played so well with the other kiddies, he made me swell with pride. I felt really good too because I'd taken in some of Nick's toys and all the kids loved them. Nicky shared beautifully. What a good little boy!!! I was really impressed with the way he played with little boy C. They were sharing a shape sorting toy and taking turns to put the shapes in. He was so patient waiting and I was amazed that he put the right shape in first go every time. I haven't seen him do this before. His shape sorter is a v-tech car and he loves just putting the shapes in and put of the boot- he would try to put them in the holes but would need a bit of help. Wow, pretty impressed!!  At the end we sung songs and Nicky grinned and giggled the whole time. it was adorable. My heart was melting. I think I fell in love with him all over again.

Afterward, I was in a mood to shop. Can I tell you...... I haven't been shopping since Xmas (oops I lie I bought some presents for my niece and nephews but that's it. I haven't splurged on Nick or I and it was well overdue.) I bought some great outfits. I was pretty prud of myself too. They were real bargains and absolutely schmicko. I can't wait to put him in them. So cool!!

This afternoon I took Nick to the pool and we had a beaut time. He loves the water and crawled all over the place - with me following him a little anxiously and playing and splashing. I took him for a swim in the deeper water and he did a bit of a kick and paddle keeping his head up and arms out. He looked so cute. I haven't taken him to swimming lessons yet. i think I might wait a bit. He's pretty happy for the moment just going paddling around with me. And I like getting in the water anyway. So it suits me fine.

When we got home I think I might have been expecting too much for Brad to have cooked our dinner. I'd rung and asked him to take out some chicken breasts out of the freezer. Brad's such a good cook so it was natural for me to assume that he might have gotten stuck into. When I got home I found the chicken on the sink still defrosting and he was in asleep. Not to worry! I got straight to it and cooked up a pretty slap bang meal in pretty good timing.

Dishes done, Nicky was off to the bath, then it was milk time, a little play, a story and then bed. He nearly got the better of me but I gave him a nice rub on the tummy for half a minute, I said 'night beautiful', walked out and didn't hear a peep. Silence is golden... that was the first time he's gone down to sleep without a hitch in at least two months. I felt sooooooo good. What a beautiful little boy. Must say he has had sore gums and a bit of a tummy ache at bed time lately so I've been a bit lenient. Bedtime was pushing back later and later and I thought we'd never get back on track. Fingers crossed we can stay this way.

Well, I'm feeling exceedingly happy tonight and about to take a look at some new advice. I just read a really uplifting piece about family love by Nell and that gave me fresh motivation and inspiration to be a little kinder to Brad but also expect a little more respect in return. Hmmmmm  we'll get there... Anyway must dash. Want to spend my Minti time a little more wisely than this (Shush Puddha -my cat keeps on meowing, I've fed him some nice skinless sausages that I cooked on the BBQ just before (spoilt!!). He ate them and he's still meowing..... what is his problem?? I think I should take him to the vet)

Really must go
yas
's Hayley xxx

Anyone who'd like to take a look is welcome to go to my partner's website on myspace. Brad's a singer/songwriter, guitarist and  audio engineer. I'm so proud of what he's done!!! Nicky is sooooo cute! The clip is 1,2 and I'm proud to say Brad wrote and recorded it himself. There's another song there too, that he also recorded. He blows me away sometimes with his talent and creativity. I hope one day he gets the success and recognition I think he deserves.

Hope you all like.......

Click here

's Hayley xxx

I've taken the time again to really appreciate being a mum. I pinch myself every now and again to remind myself that I'm living out my dreams. Nicky is such a happy little boy, so playful and at that adorable 'just started walking age' where he walks around with his arms up like a monkey. He's beautiful! What can I say? We spent a great deal of time today just playing and clowning around. It could have been the worst day considering that I only got 4 hours sleep last night. I chose not to let this stop me. I had a nap while Nicky slept today - something I rarely do. It helped me get through the day.

I felt pretty good today. I'm choosing to really appreciate life and what I do have. I'm living in a beautiful house - mind you, it's the in-laws but they're only here on weekends. I feel grateful for this home today. I don't mind cleaning it either. It makes me feel good. Considering this, we are going to have to do something about the flat. We're never there anymore so we've absolutely got to move out. We're wasting so much money there - it makes me cringe. So on to that..... ASAP

Tonight, I didn't even mind that when I put Nicky down to bed at what in the past was his usual bedtime, 7:30, he didn't go to sleep. I just got him back up and enjoyed a nice cuddle with him. He had a bit of a tummy ache that seemed to ease up when he did a decent burp. Poor little guy. I read him some more stories and he went down to sleep like a perfect little cherub. Oh!!!!

Now I've had some time to relax and I think I might go now and help myself to some chocolate. Yummm!!

Hope everyone else is having a nice night!
's Hayley xxx