Thank you so much everyone who posted happy mothers day messages in my lounge. That was lovely. here in the UK Mothers Day was on 18th March so apologises for not logging on for a few days and realising you were all about to enjoy cold eggs, too much chocolate etc etc. If like me you spent most of the weekend thinking about little Maddie and praying her birthday wishes come true and she is safe and will be reunited with her parents. It is just heartbreaking for all. My weekend apart from that was spent snot filled but amused by the UK's eurovision song contest entry. We really did manage to bomb out there in the campist manner possible. UUgghhh.....

On a different note Felix is crawling at speed and trying to climb the stairs, still no teeth but doing great. Pippa asked this morning if I would still be alive when she was a teenager. I answered "yes". "Great" she said "then I can go to the diner with Aiden on a date". Wow. We do not EVER use the phrase diner. Cafe, resturant,not diner. Very American. She must have got that from Bratz on CITV. So funny. alexander came out in a german measle rash but without the german measle part of it. So day off school for the Dr to confirm he is okay to go to school. In the middle of dreadful STATS so he has gone in today. Hope he will be okay. Its alot of pressure for one so young covered in a rash...

Okay. I feel sick, weepy and worse than before I started to take the tablets. I know they are supposed to have ide effects but I cannot stop crying. Everytime someone is kind to me I blubber. Even at the school gate this morning. Poor children they are so far okay and not taking much notice of mum being sad. I have to meet my mother this afternoon with the children. Not a positive relationship, and she doesnot know I have PND. I really don't want her to see any cracks, so I am now feeling anxious about how to keep it together. In someways now I have confessed to all that I have PND it is a weight lifted but it is also harder to pretend that you are okay. I hope the side effects wear off quickly. Feel dreadful, and look terrible. Still in the fog, but more lost than ever.

Well here we are 1st May. My big boy passed his first karate grading at the weekend. He was so pleased with himself. Normally that would have been one of those proud as can be mum momemts. But it was the final indication that things really aren't as they should be following the birth of my third child. After awful extended family estrangement, a very complicated pregnancy and increasing work levels I am not only finding things a struggle I am sinking fast.

Why are we so hard on ourselves? Make life simpler. How can I make my life simpler? Anyway my lovely timelord dr has presribed me tablets - Sertraline, so they had better be a fantastic happy pill cure, that gives me beautiful skin, makes me thin and whisks me back to thirty-something. There, reasonable expectations......

It really is like being in a fog. i know I should be feeling this  but normal routine filled with anxiety over running the school gate mafia, bumbing into happy mothers who want to talk to you. Yickes.....

I think I must have post natal depression not only am I trying to be anice mum to the older two I am trying to do things that are doomed to fail. Recently I have started to iron. I never iron, it suddenly seems important that my children have ironed underwear. A sure sign I am not coping at home very well but the kids look better than ever when out and about. I hsve also made asparagus stock for Gods sake. It is in season here so I bought lots fromthe farm shop and have been making industrial quantities to freeze in order to have asparagus risotto. This is today, at leastit is an improvement from crying for no good reason but domestic goddess I am not. Husband will think I have been taken over by an alien if this continues.

More importantly, Felix has cut himself on a tommee tippee cup whilst playing on the floor. Sorry little chap it really pumps blood from just across the eyebrow. You never know how deep these cuts are but I cleaned it and put a cold pack on it and it seems like its closed up nicely. Made me very cross though. surely this should not happen. babies loose their balance and fall onto cups. They shouldnot be able to damage a child like that. Anyway i have popped a warning in advice for other parents so look at the photo of the cup there and if you have one be careful.