The last 2 days have been so much better.  I feel like I am coming out of a fog and now I can see better. Work was so much easier and it felt like I could concentrate again. Not sure if it is the drug working so quickly or if it is the huge weight that has been lifted off my shoulders. Admitting I can't do it on my own any more is sooooo liberating!!

I have been reflecting on my childhood a lot. And thinking about how I am raising my own daughter. I really want to make sure that I teach her healthy coping skills. My mom coped and still copes with alcohol. So guess how I coped for til' 4 years ago? Now that I don't turn to it , I have to face my realities.

So I thought I would reflect a little on my past to sort things out. Not sure yet if I am ready to go there though and really? where do I begin.... My alcoholic mother? My "sperm donor" father that chooses to not want anything to do with me? The  5 years I spent with a verbal abusive guy? All the reckless drinking years that I should be dead? The debt I have from 6 years ago that leaves me with no choice but bankruptcy?

The past is the past but I can't help feeling like I really fucked up? I am a better person now and I know that I am making  better choices. And all of those shitty roads I traveled lead me to here and my husband. And I do beleive everything happens for a reason and believe me I have learned soooooo much.

I guess I just need to remind myself of the present. Which is where I want to be. Present in the moment with my marriage, my daughter, my job, family and friends. And that I need to keep moving forward. So is it helpful to reflect on the past? Yeah I think it just reminds me what a beautiful person I have become and that I will break that god aweful  curse that my family has carried on. And my soul-searching hard work will pay off, right?

So because this is a parenting web site I want to stress the point that you have the future in your hands with our precious children. We can't stop everything  from happening but we can teach them how to make healthy decisions and be honest people. We can give them so much support that they will know that we are always here for them. We can forget  everything else and be silly and read stories. Most of all we can tell them everyday, several times a day how much we love them and kiss and hug them a lot.

I am not sure where this blog will take me or what will come out of this. I have a 18 month old that is very busy so this journal is going to be cut short and inconsitsent sometimes. And I will apologize now for all the mis spellings and raw text but I want to keep this in my own words. Hang on for the ride, I am 

Well, here I sit waiting for the drug to work.... Believe me I honestly tried to go the natural route with excersise, St. Johns wort, and a balanced diet. And if anything my depression got worse than ever.  But at first it worked remarkably for about 2 months. Then out of no where last week I couldn't stop the thoughts in my head. Constently telling myself that I am not good enough and doubting everything I do. Work was miserable because I would go home thinking I have hurt or killed one of our patients by what I told them or a simple blood draw.  And then I would believe that everyone was talking about me and I was no good to be working there.

I woke up at 4am thinking about a patient that I did a blood draw on. And the day before when I drew his blood the needle bounced out ( how I have no idea)  No big deal it happens to most people in the course of drawing to blood...But he bled a lot. So woke thinking somehow he was going to die from that. And I was going to go back to work  and everyone would think I was such a failure and I would loose my job.

Very unrealistic and everthing is just fine...

The hardest thing that started happening to me was that I couldn't seem to have fun with my daughter. This is the saddest feeling ever. It was like all the sudden I didn't know what to do with my girl and this went on for days... I have had to make a huge effort to play with her. This broke my heart and made this downward spiral spin even faster.

The good news is that I haven't turned to alcohol. I haven't had even a desire. It runs in my family and I have worked really hard in the past 4 years to be the one in control of it. And god how good it feels to be the one with the power!!! 

So I layed in bed with my husband and told him everthing about how I had been feeling for the last two weeks.I also talked to him about getting on an antidepressant.  He cried and held me. He told me that he wanted me to be happy and he felt so sad that I hurt so much. He said he wanted me to do what was going to make me happy.

So I did. I went to my Doc. She explained to me what was going on was chemical in my brain. And that we should try an anti-depressant for 6 months and then go from there. So here is my journey..... With many thoughts to be me again....