It was a difficult for my son last night, he shared with me that he has been very sad.  I had him sit with me on the sofa, as I wraped my hands around him.  He told me that he was scared about the future, lonely, and scared.   I explained to him that it was normal to have these concerns, and he was feeling overwhelmed was part of his illness.  He replied he understood that, but that he felt very sad.  I explained to him that may be in a manic state, and that his feelings seemed extremly stressful.  I said a prayer with him, while he cried, he told me he wasn't sure there was a god because he has not helped him. He was concerned about his illness because he revealed that it was getting worse.  He is continuing to see things that are not there, hearing voices, and experiences high anxiety attacks. 

I told him what he was feeling was normal, we all experience doubt when it came to his existence.  But I explained that God understand's his situation, and that he wasn't ever going to leave him despite his feelings.  I continued by assuring him that the bible says if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you were saved.  He asked God to forgive him for doubting him, I told him God understands. 

We sat there for at least 30 minutes holding on to one another.  Finally, he told me he was doing a little better, I told him he was having a bad day and that he would feel better tomorrow.  I thanked him for telling me how he was feeling. 

Sharing my thoughts:

I wish he wasn't sick, I wish he was happy, I wish he wasn't lonely, I wish he didn't see things, I wish he didn't hear things, I wish he was calm..............

My son has had to change his medication to deal with his manic moods.  He is taking ability and pristq wherein before he was taking depakote which made him really sick.  He has his ups and downs when he gets really depressed.  The good thing is that he comes and tells me when his on the verge of suicidal thoughts which we talk through theraputic techniques his counselor taught us to do.  It has helped in dealing with his mood swings.  I sometimes do feel scared to get up one morning and find him hanging.  I have to overcome that fear to move on.