My son is an animal masher. You see, he’s very enthusiastic about animals, cats in particular. If he sees one I will hear “MEOW! Mama,” for the next hour or so. He may even have a full blown tantrum when the cat runs away. Lucky cat, I have to stick around and I have front row seats.

We currently do not have a cat nor do I want one. We already have an old bitey dog that I’m not that good with. She doesn’t really like me. In fact, she doesn’t like anyone but my husband. I thought I was an animal person. Turns out, not so much. I don’t need a cat that scratches or bites me too. Now, all you cat ladies out there, calm down. I’m not going to go out and kick a cat or anything, I’m just better with people and even that is questionable at times. Hell, I married a vegan and my son is vegetarian. We don’t even buy Procter & Gamble products because of the animal testing. See, I’d like to be an animal person, in theory, but I find them delicious and they don’t like me. This could be related. Still, I stand firm, no way are we getting a @#$%! cat.

Another bout of the ear piecing “Meow, mama!” as my son finally catches up with one of the braver, friendlier cats in the neighborhood (and there are a lot of them). The look on his face as he squats down is over the moon adoration. The joy in his piercing squeals (about an inch from the cat’s face) is so obvious I can’t help but smile. I smile, but deep down I’m thinking “(Insert swear of choice)! We have to get a cat and a litter box!” and my smile tightens around the edges. I fight to keep smiling, for Dorian and to calm down the cat that now understands just how scary a gigantic over excited toddler can be. I wrestle the cat free from his iron grasp (before it is hugged to death) and it bolts away.

If I ever do break down and get him a cat, I’ll have to get it from the pound. I’m just going to walk in there, slap down some cash and say, “Today I’m the kitty governor and I’m here to grant a pardon. I want to take home the next cat about to be put down.” It’s the only way I can really justify handing a cat over to my Lenny-Tell-Me-About-The-Rabbits boy. He cries when animals get hurt, bawls his eyes out when they eat each other on animal planet. Yet he feels just fine smack/petting grandpa’s cat while explaining (in his very best and loudest outdoor voice) how much he loves it though. Endearing, amusing, and disturbing all at once, like a lot of moments in parenting, I’m finding.

So, for now we are cat free. I let Dorian chase the cats around the park and around the complex as much as they’ll let him. Sometimes he catches them. Sometimes I bring the torture indoors. I put the dog outside (probably happy for the toddler break) and let these two very persistent cats in our neighborhood in to explore and dart away from Dorian’s merry abuse. I pay them for their services in a bit of tuna or milk. They eat and wander until Dori tires of chasing them then I sneak ‘em back out when he isn’t looking. They get a good and easy meal and a little rough lovin, my son gets his cat fix, and I’ve solved the problem without adding more poop to my life. Any parent will tell you, that is a good day.

Living with my 18 month old son is like living with a frat boy. Imagine a love child between Will Ferrell, John Belushi, and Chris Farley. That’s my boy. He staggers around naked yelling words I can’t understand, laughing and dancing and throwing and breaking things. His things are everywhere and he never helps clean up. He wakes me up screaming or ready to party at 2 in the morning, then he passes out and I have to carry him back to bed. He strip down naked and then finds it necessary to bend over in my face every ten seconds. That’s just lovely, by the way. He shoves his hand in his pants or his fingers in his nose, releases gas with great gusto and glee, and every now and then he throws up or pees in the corner. Those of you living with more than one child must feel like you have a whole frat house.

Go Deltas!

 

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What color is your bra?
As a new mother (is 16 months still new? It sure feels like it) I am pretty much lucky to have enough time to put one on. I can’t stop to look at the color.

Do you straighten your hair everyday?
Remember that friends where Monica goes to the bahamas and looks like Diana Ross on a bender? That’s what I looked like on my honeymoon. Ugliest newlywed EVER.

Do you worry about the size of your boobs?
No, I worry about the location.

Whats your favorite girly magazine?
Bust- Feminism, recipes and just enough F U.

Would you kill for chocolate?
I’d kill for sleep and hot food. Wouldn’t any mother

Jeans or skirts?
I gotta say that I love my jeans. Usually because I have a nasty habit of tucking my skirt into my undies. Lately I’m just happy not to have vomit or peanut butter and jelly on my clothing.

Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that's uncomfortable?
I’m female. Do they make any other kind for me?

Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy?
I’ve spent the last 31 years getting pretty for a guy. And I got knocked up for my efforts. It isn’t worth it ladies. Keep your unibrow and sleep in!

Did you ever cry during a romantic movie?
Since the baby, I cry at flipping dog food commercials.

Would you leave the house without makeup on?
This is weird but I sleep in makeup in case of a fire. I know, I said it was weird. I try to always have my makeup on. Trying to keep the romance alive, ya know. My sister called and asked what I was doing one day. When I told her I was putting on my makeup she asked where I was going. I said, “Nowhere, just trying to keep the romance alive.” It was right then that my husband chose to yell loudly, “Thanks for flushing!” Seems I went pee and forgot. So much for keeping the romance alive. It’s easier to just be ugly.

Do you consider making out "unladylike"?
No way. Unless you’re making out at the table I’m sitting at. That’s a little awkward.

On the scale of 1-10 how fun is shopping?
Depends on what you’re buying. Somehow, I don’t think shopping for a casket has that shopper’s high feeling with it.

Are you spoiled?
I am. My husband and son are very good to me. Of course, I bake for those monkeys so they better be good to me.

Do you think lipgloss is the best?:
No, I think coffee and eyeliner are way better. Two things I’m taking with me to the grave. I’ve asked my best friend to sprinkle some of my ashes on holy ground, the very first Starbucks. He promised to put me into a venti cup (making sure to note I’d gained weight) and scatter me about.

Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show?
I’m a mom. My television viewing is limited to Blue’s Clues (how hot is Steve, by the way), Sesame Street and Teletubbies. What the f**k are those things? I can’t look away.

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
An hour. I’m counting the time it takes to find BOTH of his shoes and the inevitable return for some forgotten item.

Do you wear sweatpants/pajama pants to school?
It’s been a long time since I had to worry about school clothes. God, I am so not looking forward to doing the whole school years with the kiddo. There is just so much crap you have to deal with. At least it starts out with finger painting and paste eating before it all goes to hell.

Accessories make the outfit: true or false:
True. As a new mother, I never go anywhere without food in my hair and maybe some vomit on my jacket.

Do you like to hang out or go to special occasions?
Please, I am the queen bee of the bitchy brunch. Me and my boys shut the place down.

Do you like skater guys?
Do you remember when life was that simple? Do you like skater guys? Now I tackle questions like: How do I save enough for his college? Am I giving him all the love and attention he needs? If Blue can talk now, why doesn’t she just tell us what she wants? Why in the hell are we still searching for clues?

Is pink truly the best color in the entire universe?
Only black is slimming.

Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy?
As a female I’m gonna have to say yes.

Do you often wish there was something you could change?
The amount of my rent would be nice.

Gold or silver?
Gold will pay for my son’s college faster but I prefer silver. Community college it is!

Do you dress up too much for holidays?
I don’t get to dress up anymore. I’m too busy chasing the kiddo down and getting him ready.

Do you like to wear dresses?
No sir, I do not. I did love my wedding dress though and wore it around the house when my husband wasn’t home for like a month after the wedding. It makes cleaning a lot more fun. Just imagine the looks you’ll get doing laundry in your wedding dress. Of course, mostly because they think you waited too long.

Do you write a lot of mushy love poems?
No and I hate, hate, HATE when people think you care about reading theirs.

On a scale of 1-10 how much do guys confuse you?
10. Now gay guys this hag knows. Straight men, not a clue. No wonder so many of my boyfriends turned out gay.

In the past 24 hours have you hung out with a guy?
Yep. In fact, I spend nearly every minute of those 24 hours with a wee little man I adore. Lucky me! Unless he’s teething.

Dorian spotted the pincher bug on the dining room floor before I could get Jeff to relocate it. His mouth gaped open in a wide grin and he dropped to all fours and crawled up to it. What is it about boys and bugs? We had to keep pulling him back so he didn't get pinched (uh, do they even really do that? I need to look that up) and so he wouldn't smash the poor guy. This is odd behavior for me. Had I been alone I would have screamed like a teenage girl in a slasher flick and scrambled away to find something to bludgeon the thing to death with. Dorian followed close behind the pincher bug all the way into the kitchen. He was pretty much free to go. Once Dorian spotted it Jeff couldn't really touch the pincher bug without Dorian wanting to. Jeff said, "Bye-bye bug" as it made a hasty retreat from Dori under the cabinets. When it disappeared Dorian let out a howl and started to cry. He covered his face and put his head on the ground crying a pretty good sounding "bug" over and over again. It was fantastic. When the brave little pincher bug darted out from the safety toward the dog bowl Dorian was on him and happy again. Well, until he went under the dishwasher. Then we went back to inconsolable sobbing. It really was one of those adorable moments that help you through the teething.Still, as cute as it was, I couldn't help wondering where that pincher bug was all night long. I am so not looking forward to the coming years of boyhood. He'll be excitedly bringing me bugs any day now. And I will have to try and stay calm as he handles the spider he found. If you don't know me, I am terrified of spiders, big and small. Hell, I freak out when a lady bug lands on me and lingers too long. I'm very much so the wait in the car kinda gal when it comes to nature. Even more so when it comes to creepy crawly stuff. Seriously, I freeze when I see a spider. Unless I see it on me and then I go into what looks like dancing, running and a seizure until I'm sure it's off me. Then I twitch and jump for about two hours afterward.