I've learned some lessons these last (age omitted) years.

A GOOD BURN

can make any unfortunate happening funny and provide years of ammo for your friends. BABIES will crap the moment you put on a fresh diaper and with great gusto if you're running late. CHEERIOS fit in the crack of a baby's butt. They also hurt when you step on them and make you frown when you wonder if the cheerio now lodged between your toes was once in said baby's butt crack. DEATH When you lose a loved one, you will always have regrets and they will eat you alive if you let them. All you can do is try not to repeat them with those you have now. It's a thin window of time we have here, try to use it for all it's worth. E.P.T (Error Proof test) No matter how error proof the pregnancy test, if it's positive, you WILL take every test in the box and then make a mad dash to the store to get a different brand and try again...just in case.... FUCK is one of the greatest words I know. Cunt is fantastic and does bring the show to a halt when you don't have time to mess around, but Fuck really is all purpose. GROWING OLD sucks. Everyone loves to be carded when they are 21. You think, Aha! In your face. I really AM old enough to buy this...this time. Getting carded at 29 makes you grateful, until they tell you they have to card everyone that looks younger than 35. Gee, thanks, at least I don't look 35, today.... HOF'S HUT will always be one of my favorite hang outs. No matter how old I get. ICE apparently does not exist in the mass quantities America has it in Europe. Nothing says tasty delicious like warm soda. JEFF really is the man of my dreams. Sometimes I forget this while I mutter and curse him while doing laundry, cleaning up poop and puke and wishing I had more than one set of hands. K words have not taught me as much as I once suspected. Although I have learned that Kangaroos are pretty dangerous and videos of them attacking are hilarious LAUGHTER, especially at the expense of others, is wonderful. MOTHERHOOD is harder than it looks and feels better than I ever could have imagined...even if he did just gobble up the suspected butt crack cheerio from the floor. NOTHING HURTS LIKE A BURN Childbirth sucked and so did the c-section but that time I dropped a curling iron in my naked lap was a unique pain. They liken kidney stones to labor pain. No one ever says it felt like dropping a curling iron in my lap. It's not like the curling iron smiled up at me later and had my eyes. There was no pay off for the pain. I did learn to wear pants when curling my hair though. OLD FRIENDS are the best friends. No one kicks you when you're down, has a laugh and helps you back up quite like an old friend. They take all the evil and ugly shit about you and accept it, and sometimes even encourage it...JD POTATOES when fried or baked hold heat like molten lava. I say I've learned this but I dig in every time and my poor tongue suffers for it. QUEENS make the best friends. Not to say that I don't like women (I just don't like MOST women) but the fags do it for this hag. Nothing is better than sipping coffee and trash talking with my fag. RELIGIOUS people scare me. I'm not talking about the people that believe in God and are willing to let other people believe in their God too. I'm talking about the freakos that bomb abortion clinics or strap bombs to themselves and take out a whole block. Or picket Matthew Sheppard's funeral with signs that say god hates faggots. These people really fucking scare me. SHANNAN is fucked six ways to Sunday. She's been in the emergency room more times than everyone I know combined, and I'm including myself here. She's had her appendix burst, her gallbladder removed, kidney stones, gall stones and so many cases of food poisoning she should work for the Health Department (even if she does insist on eating at Norms). TIME is valuable. Nothing is more important than how you spend your time. Like I said, getting old sucks and you only have a few moments here. Spend your time wisely. I say this as I waste my time on this site. UNDERNEATH THE BED still scares me at night. I can joke about it during the day time but at night that shit isn't funny anymore. I'm tucking my toes under the covers. VAMPIRE PORN (Laurell K. Hamilton).....Thanks Shan.... takes the edge off a long day. WOMEN'S RIGHTS seem to be disappearing more and more every day. X-RAY VISION would really assist in finding my keys and checking out dirty diapers. YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN.... not that I ever had some place that was ever permanent to feel like home as a kid. But the first house I bought...felt like home. Zzzzz  Sleep before you have kids.