My partners 10 yr old son was just over from New Zealand and on two occasions i caught him breathing fumes in once from a metholayted spirits bottle and once from a spray paint can, he says he wasnt and i spoke to my partner and he says i must have made a mistake, does anyone here know anything about this, as im very concerned as his son was with us for around 8 days and i also have a daughter who is just about to turn 10 who was with him for this time, i fear that my daughter may have been shown as she was with him when i caught him, i did ask her but she said she doesnt know what he was doing... i am also concerned for this young boys health and future.

If anyone know anything about this please i would love to know..

Thank you in advance

Skylee

Is no one interested this time... minti is really starting to change....

once i left i went and lived with L, A, RJ (step dad) and J.it was ok but it did get hard , RJ started telling me what to do all the time , and after being out of home for so long it became really difficult to take orders like that again, and hey i just got away from X ,  i wanted to do what i wanted for a change, it was so good, the feeling of freedom, no fighting, i cant describe the feeling!!! X continued to harrass me at my sisters he overdosed 10 days after i left on tranzuillizers and panadene forte and conviniatly it was to the day that my father passed away only 8 years later, i had his family abuse me and my sister L, i had just had enough of the whole lot of them , they meant nothing to me, in any way. X's sister P continuously kept telling me that my baby was going to be retarded, because her first child was and so was X's mothers first child, P was hoping sharni would be retarded , but i knew in my heart and soul she would be perfect and i was right , they may be sharni’s family, but if i have to protect her from hurt i will and if that means keeping them away from sharni , i will. sharni doesn’t need people like that in her life , they will only do more harm than good .when she is old enough to understand and she requests to see her family , i will not stand in her way, DJ, X's little brother is the only decent one in the family, sharni adores him. but due to all the tension they have no contact which is a shame really. one day maybe things will change, who knows.   sharni is now eight months old and i have met a wonderful guy , DS .i have known and fancied him for about 2 years but i was with X, we get along great , but one problem ( ha ha knew there had to be something wrong) he drinks excessive amouts of alcohol , and quiet frequently , he has definatly got a drinking problem . i stay away when he drinks, he usually just hangs out at the colonial hotel with all his footy mates and the locals..who knows maybe it’s a phase!!!. we are now quiet close , have been together for about 4 weeks, we have heaps of fun together, we talk and joke, well he is one of the best joksters i have ever met in my life , he is a clown , sharni and DS get along well, we all go for walks together , its nice …   X is still carrying on just as bad , more suicide atempts , a few brick walls punched, he has lost all his power now i am gone , he must feel helpless , well let him see how it feels for a change , might do him some good, i doubt it though, he will probably just switch to self distruct mode and feel sorry for himself…a few weeks later i met a friend through a friend his name is  NM , pretty cool bloke he is , when talking we found out that he was looking for a flat mate and i was looking for somewhere to live , so i ended up moving in a few weeks later, it was great somewhere to call home again. DS seemed to slowly fall in a hole constantly drinking day and night he was always drunk, he just didn’t seem to be his usual self, he was withdrawn, he was also unemployed which made the drinking easier , we talked a lot and he just seemed to be depressed about the loss of his father.    when he was 7 or 8 his father commited suicide and DS found him , that had affected his whole life , sometimes he would be drunk and say things like im gonna kill myself and go and be with my dad again , i never knew wheather to take it seriously or not because he was so drunk at the times he would say it ..i offered him phone numbers of people he could talk to but he really wasn’t interested , One night i layed there with him hugging and kissing him and tried to reassure him that things would get better, that was the last hug and kiss we shared , he was put into rehab by his mother and step father and while in there he hung himself, he was only 21, he had so much going for him we was loved and respected by all, he was playing football , and was going somewhere with that, he had a great family who loved him that much its not funny, but he just could not hold on any longer , i think he could not live with what happened to his father any longer so he decided to join him. i will always have a special place in my heart for DS he was the one true love in my life. he was a very special person to me , i will always love him . after all these tragitys , i really thought i was going to go mad, so many special beautiful people around me dying, i just wasn’t coping well, me and B , DS's sister became really good friends, and i have gotten to know his mother quiet well too. such a beautiful family.   been about six months since i lost DS now, and i have now decided to do a seminar called insight the awakening heart , its held in crows nest and it goes for seven days , it might help me to find myself again , all this pain and sorrow around me , has made me feel blind folded to myself , well august 19th 1998 , date the course starts has arrived and i am feeling very anxious about the whole thing. 60 people in a room , all strangers to each other , all about to over the next 7 days share some of our deepest thoughts and feelings with each other , i am a very nervous person when it comes to meeting new people , all new faces smiling at me with polite greetings , oooh , i might go hide in the corner…..i became relaxed by day three , got to know some people , heard some stories, seen emotions flying through the room, by day four, it was great , i felt more confident to speak to others about my self and i even got up in front of the whole group and spoke, made lots of new friends. by day five i could feel changes in my self already , i had opened up my heart , i awakened my heart . the last day was really sad, to see all the people who had just helped you through some tough things go and to know you may never see them again . as we all said our good byes i was also asking if there was anyone interested in going out afterwards as it was my last night in the city , but everyone said no , they either had to work the next day or were to tired, then this ladie called J said me and G are going back to my place for a few drinks you are welcome to come , so i agreeed, as we were leaving J said you go in G car his is nicer than mine, i had only had a very breif chat with G during the whole seven days, but he was nice , and all his talks infront of the group really caught my heart, even bringing me to tears once. so we left crows nest and just before we were near the city i asked G if he could just drop me off as i relized by the time i got back to CB place i would be running late so i decided to get dropped off, i said to G that i really didn’t feel like going back to her place , and he said i don’t really either, so he signaled J to stop and said were goona find somewhere to have a drink wanna join us , but she said she would just head home , so then me and my new friend G went looking for somewhere to get a drink and we ended up at the bourborne and beefsteak in kings cross, we talk for hours , i really liked this guy streight away. about 4 in the morning we ended up heading off to bondibeach to watch the sun rise, we sat there on a blanket it was so beautiful..we were talking and he interupted and said you know what i feel like doing?what i said? i feel like kissing you. and that’s just what he did, it was so beautiful the way he made me feel that morning, there was definatly something there between us , i felt it that morning , some sort of connection,,,,afterwards we went back to the cross and found a nice little café and had breakfast together, it was lovely, after that he dropped me off at CB place ..what a morning,,,i was on cloud nine ,,well until i relized that i was running late , i had to get a train back to KW to collect my darling daughter sharni who i missed so much. 7 days is a long time to be away from your child . she stayed with X , i knew she would be fine with him and she was . But as soon as i arrived to get her X had started asking for money and i refused as i needed every cent i had , and boy did he go off, out on the street , mind you on the great western highway , he stood there and started threatening to kill my family if i didn’t give him the money and i still refused and walked away, that got him real mad , he looked like he was going to kill me there and then , but he knew in the end that i was not going to give him a cent and finally he gave up and stormed off yelling abuse at me at the top of his lungs.   once i got settled back in at home people started saying that i thought i was good because i done a course in the city and now was speaking to people who lived down that way , i just shrugged it off , as far as i was concerned it wasn’t me who had the problem it was them because they didn’t like the fact that i was going out doing things to better myself and they were doing nothing but accepting that where they were was as good as it gets , but i knew there was more to life than living in KW and being on the dole .all i knew was that i wanted to go somewhere in my life , and that was what i intended to do .    a few weeks after returning things turned sour with me and NM he had lost his job and was going out partying and spending all our rent money including the money i gave him , i found letters from the real estate saying we were about 4 weeks behind . i was furious he wasn’t only gonna get himself kicked out, but me and sharni aswell. me and G had continued seeing each other after the course finished and we were becoming pretty close , G could see the hassles i was having with NM and ask if i would like to come and stay at his place for a while, and i accepted the offer , me and G ended up living together as a couple . it was good but there were a few problems , we both wernt ready for something that full on and it ended up falling apart about three months later, i ended up moving in with my aunty for a little while then i found my own place in blacktown , a two bedroom half house it wasn’t to bad , small , but big enough for me and sharni..about two months after i moved in there X asked if he could crash on my lounge for two weeks as he had no where to go , i agreed as he was being pretty good and hadnt harassed me for a while , that was the biggest mistake . X came and stayed and started to try and run the place he was not listening to any of my rules and he would never leave he would say i am going in a week but no it never happened , i was so furious , i had put myself back where i started, he started doing the same things again , he would cut his arms to pieces or wrap wire cord around his throat that tight he would turn blue, he ended up getting his compensation claim whilst staying with me and he really blew that fast, he did buy me a car for $1500.00 and spent about $1000.00 on sharni but the rest went on gambling and drugs , he really stuffed up big time , at the worse stage he was sitting behind the wheels of my car and stopping me from taking sharni out of the house , me and G ended up getting back together, he took me to the hunter valley , just as friends, but we came home just l little bit more (if you know what i mean) and things were great , we spent so much time together and we really enjoyed each others company, we where ready for a relationship this time we had the time to heal , things where feeling right this time. as before we were not ready for that full on thing. this time i knew i really wanted to be with him and i wanted to share my life with him. things went well , but X being in my house really made it hard for us , as G wouldn’t come here and X wouldn’t let me take sharni there. so i was stuck in the middle and when i say X wouldn’t let me take sharni i mean it , he would go as far as slashing my tyres, and sitting behind the wheels of my car, or even getting physical with me. he made it really hard and if i went to call the police he would go and smash my phone , i was getting sick of having the police around at my house , and the neighbors were looking at me badly and i had just had enough of it all . one day with the help of a good friend i decided to get the hell out of there i knew i would be losing my home but at least i would have my life back again and the proper rights to my daughter, i came home one day and told X that i was going to a friends house for the day and it was a hot day so i took a few pieces of clothing with me , i was really going to a refuge in BW , it was the best thing i could have done for me and sharni , X was forever calling my mobile phone and harassing me but i didn’t care as i knew i was safe from him now he didn’t have a clue where i was and i had my little princess with me , i was regaining my life once again , X ended up having the sherriff kick him out of my house and then he was homeless all he had was a car and a dooner he had stolen from my bed . i felt really bad for a while but then i thouht how could i feel bad when he took my home and my daughter from me , he may not have taken her from the premises but he turned her against me. he chose the life he is living and now he has to deal with it , with his compensation money he ended up becoming an addict to anphetamines (speed) he really stuffed his life up the moment he started taking it . i started to feel safe again for the first time in ages at the refuge , i had good people around me , people who could understand my situation as they had been through it themselves. i ended up meeting this ladie called QM, we became really good friends , she had three children , E 4, J, 3 and N , nearly one , we got along so well that i thought that i had found my long time friend. some one who would be there for a long time to come .i will tell that story soon. i had such great support from the workers there and sharni really started to shine when we got there, things were great , even to the point where my nails grew that long it wasn’t funny , it was all a matter of lack of stress . i had finally gotten rid of X. he was gone , i knew from that moment on he would never put me through all that again.     Little did i know….  

Hi All,

i havent been on here for some time now, hope everyone is well ..

Well my other half is in New Zealand at the moment staying with his X wife and son... and you know what i cou;dnt really care less, in fact i have had a bit of fun making him feel insecure, i was invited to a work party on friday night... and he thought i would not go beacause he wasnt here but i went and had a great time and made sure he knew about it.. you know what its true when you stop showing interest they start showing it.. just ashame it cant be done at the same time huh??

take care everyone..

Skylee

Will be ready very very soon.

Skylee

My partner is going to New Zealand, next month to see his nine yr old son, the problem i have is that he will be staying at his X wifes house. he does this twice a yr and then once thay come here (only he stays with us) each time i know that they are talking over dates for each trip , i start to get very tense and anxious. he says there is nothing to worry about, and im sure there isnt but, what i want to know is ..is this right?? should he be doing this to me?? i know he wants to see his son, and i want him to see his son, but the amout of s*&^t i go through, (around 3 months of these feelings each yr total) (a couple of weeks prior, then the 10 days he's gone, then a couple of weeks after)  also the first time he went, he came back wearing his wedding ring , he said she gave it back to him and he only had it on so he didnt lose it, but i notice in his holiday photo's he was wearing it while over there.. they seperated because she cheated on him... so he was the one left behind... she went over seas.. and stayed overseas... i am worried that old feelings may arise ...

Please if anyone has any advise i would love it, going out of my mind... next trip April..aaaAAAGGGHHH!!

Thanks in advance..

Skylee

 i was just wondering if there are any people out there that would be interested in joining a small group i am getting started called *W*O*M*A*N* which stands for:

                                                 " WITH OUT MUMS AND NANS"

 its for woman and mums whom have lost there mums and/or nans and are looking for that lttle extra support  that you could normally get from your mum or nan maybe there are some older women who could not have their own kids and have some spare time to help others or even other people in my own situation joining together and being a support network for one another if your interested please go here to join this Minti Group... WOMAN

I lost my dad when i was 10 and my mum when i was 17 (and nine months pregnant) and have a nine year old daughter and its a real struggle sometimes not having that support/ backup there, well i suppose i dont really know any different, but i am sure it would be a struggle to have your mum/nan  there and then to lose her/them.. hope to hear from you soon...

CONTINUED ..PART 2 I started putting weight on again , my hair started to look good again, I even had energy, I really blossomed. X still stressed me out majourly but I was to busy thinking about my new baby boy or girl, ever spare cent I had I would buy little nick knacks for my baby things I would one day need . there were a few people who said I was to young to having a baby , but I didn’t care all I knew was that it was growing inside of me and I was going to love this child more than life its self. after all this child was the miracle that saved my life. mum wasn’t to happy about the whole idea , but she grew to accept that I wanted to have this baby more than ever and she came around. things at home didn’t get much better X still gambled as much and the fighting was still constant. but I myself was starting to feel whole again. a feeling that I thought was something of the past. I started eating normal again within about 6-8 weeks and boy did I eat, I was putting on weight quicker than you can say the word!!! but I was happy, when I hit three and a half months pregnant, we ended up getting evicted from this place, so instead of renting in the entrance again we decided to go back to Sydney, back where my family where …   we really didn’t have any where to go so we had to move in with X mother B (STANDS FOR B___CH)  and boy was that hell!!!!she nagged about bloody everything and she was never wrong!!!

if you look up the word b__ch in the dictionary directly underneath you would see a picture of her. and what an ugly one at that! we didn’t end up staying there for long , about three weeks , you when we moved in she asked if there was anything I don’t eat so she would know not to cook it for me and I told her I don’t like kidneys, liver , hearts and all that sort of stuff, so one night what do you think she cooked steak and kidney, I politely asked if I could make something else for dinner as I couldn’t eat it and that was it she went off big time saying she shouldn’t have to cook separate meals for everyone and just to suit me , she was hysterical. by the end of her stress attack she demanded that we leave the next morning, so we did ,all over that how pathetic……..I cant stand the site of her. I have seen better heads on bull dogs, no joke. she spends a fortune on wrinkle cream , I don’t just understand why she doesn’t just have a face lift , saves time!! I don’t like speaking about people like that but if you’ve met her you’ll agree.    

after we left there we went to ladies called KB’s  house where she lived with her three children. we stayed there for a few weeks, it was really cramped and sleeping on the floor 4 months pregnant really isn’t what id call comfortable, while we were there we went to housing commission to see if we could get a house a.s.a.p and it turned out that X was on the top of the list for a place as he put his name down about 5 years before, when it came time to look at our new place we were pleasantly surprised to get a two stories town house all new carpet and freshly painted walls it was rather nice close to shops and doctors…….but!!!!! it was in bidwill one of the worse suburbs you could possibly get. but we accepted it anyway as we really needed somewhere to live-in was roughly four and a half months pregnant when we moved in, just the fact that I could finally rest and not have to sleep on the floor more exited me more than anything. me and X were still always at it , fighting all the time, he made quiet a few more suicide attempts things stayed the same only I was fatter.  

family started visiting regularly , it was really a good time for me . I was starting to cope better with X’s nonsense , inside all I did was laugh at him , we started setting up the baby’s room not long after we moved in and every chance I got I was buying nice new things , clothes, bibs, toys, things for the room it was all so exiting for me , its a shame X didn’t share that joy , its something no one should miss out on . X continued to gamble, now I was in mount Druitt I would sit on the chair out front of that tab for ages. he always believed he was going to win big , but in the end we would only end up broke, things were tough but we got by,   mum used to come and stay at my house every so often I remember once they (mum and AH) (AH STANDS FOR A__HOLE)(or prig) bought an old Gemini and when they would come and stay they would park it in my garage and then insist on sleeping in it , even though we had a spare room with a bed, weird couple them two. I never fancied AH, he was a very violent man when mixed with alcohol , but my mother put up with it because she said she loved him. whether that’s true , I don’t know .   mum was a pretty amazing woman, she had a very hard upbringing, her father was and alcoholic and her mother died when she was just ten years old ., there’s a lot I don’t know about her childhood, but I know she’s a strong and beautiful woman, she had her problems but I guess we grow up the way we are brought up, L and J my two sisters are extraordinary, L has one child named A .     and J my little sis 7 yrs younger than me she is a sweet angel. she have has come along way in her short life, back in 1990 we (me ,L, J, mum, and R,) ( J’s dad  ) lived at glebe and then in April my father passed away from a drug and alcohol overdose, I loved that man more than life its self. when he died me, mum, L and J moved to Melbourne leaving R (J’s dad) behind we went and stayed with friends down there , after a while J was going back to Sydney to be with her dad and aunty, that was the last time we were all together as a family. J grew up living with her aunty C and R , she was taken away from her mum and sisters.

one thing I can say is she is a very beautiful young lady who has so much going for her, she is going to someday be in a great position in life because she has the brains and determination to succeed in all she does. she is one strong remarkable young lady whom i love to pieces .L my older sister is equally remarkable, we have all been through quiet a bit , but we have seemed to have made it passes the fog.   L had it hard being the eldest, she had a lot of responsibility handed to her at such a young age, but she always managed I don’t know how , but she did. she was one of the people who helped raise me, she was always there for me no matter what, when ever I needed her she was there , she has a very strong and unique character , always was the strong one. a sledge hammer couldn’t knock her down.,but that’s a special quality she has. mum was a cool chick, she was loving but I think she could only show so much feeling to us because of the way she grew up, she had so many unhealed wounds from her past which kept her from showing and expressing her absolute deepest emotions, all she done was what she was shown, we cant learn things if we aren’t taught and shown , human beings aren’t programmed at birth we need to be taught.     my mother taught me a lot , I don’t know of she realizes it or not but , by giving us more responsibility at a young age makes us more responsible when where older, I'm shore me and my sisters know how do to more than most people our age … now that I am older I have learnt to appreciate what our mother taught us **independence** the one major thing you need before you can live a full and happy life…. mum and AH would come and stay now and then and there behind them would be there dog boof…I didn’t like AH very much but I guess I put up with him to have mum come over and stay. 

 the 28th week  crept up , I was getting fatter, X was stressing me to the max , fatigue had become my shadow, and the baby was moving heaps now. hands and feet kicking from all directions , heartburn becomes a real nuisance , sitting at home one night and I start getting pains in my lower stomach, sides and back , they continued for another hour or so then it got so bad an ambulance has to be called , turned out I was going in to premature labor …luckily the doctors where quick enough to stop it,,,, ah my baby was fine..   stayed in hospital for 2 days then X demanded that I stop putting it on and get home , mum was at the hospital the morning after I arrived there she was so great I loved having her around me during my pregnancy it was very comforting to know she was there .   when the ninth month showed its face tragedy struck our lives , mum passed away from a drug and alcohol overdose , she was only 38 and had so much life ahead of her she should not have gone when she did , I believe AH played a role in her death. I know I will never find out but I don’t think my mother (no matter how messed up her life was ) would have taken her own life especially when I was nine months pregnant., my mother died from and overdose of drinking morphine mixed with alcohol, what made it even worse was the fact that AH had stolen the morphine from my house as X’s sister lived down the road and she was very sick with all kinds of problems and also needed a hip replacement and she  lived about 200 meters down the road and we lived in front of the shopping complex so she had to walk there on a daily basis so she had left a bottle at out place, just incase she needed it, and the night before my mum died, mum and AH stayed at my place, (and they even slept in the spare room as they no longer had there Gemini) we had a great night me and mum talked about how she was going to come and stay with me for the last two weeks of my pregnancy as she missed the birth of my sisters baby and she didn’t want to risk missing mine. When they left the next day AH must have spotted the bottle and bagged it , that was the last time I saw my mummy, I am just glad we had a good time together.  

 when I went to the hospital a couple of days later to see AH as he survived (somehow he died just as the ambulance came even though mum had been dead for at least 8 hrs)  I was screamed at and called a murderer by AH’s family and told that I will pay for what I did to him, even though my mum was the dead one and AH , sure he was in a pretty bad way , but at least he was alive.. that was hard having people say those things to me.. in last month of my pregnancy it was absolute hell I lost my mum, got blamed for it, had to bury her deal with X’ bullshit, it even got to the point where I was in an interview room at the police station being questioned over the death of my mother, they really pushed me hard and they didn’t seem to care that I was just about to give birth… it was an absolute shock to everyone us three girls stuck together through it all we were all we had ,,,, each other   It was very hard for me and L as we had to find the funding to lay our mother to rest, I was nine months pregnant and L’s daughter A was roughly 14 months old . the grief was bad enough let alone this…we were strong and stuck by each other all the way, we succeeded in finding the funds, a lot of help was from charity , and the salvos done the service for us (GOD LOVE THE SALVO’S) . a very sad time in all our lives. she will always be remembered as the beautiful lady she was our mummy! I hope one day we will all meet up again , and I prey to god where ever she is right now ,I hope she is happy,   well finally the big day had finally arrived the 19th October 1997, arrived at Nepean hospital at 7:30am to have the drip put in and to start the induced labor of by beautiful new baby boy or girl .

labor was painful and very emotional , as mum was meant to be there beside me , L was there for me all the way , she was great, I screamed and screamed (ask L) the pain was so intense its hard to explain, but finally my new baby daughter had arrived into the world, she was so beautiful, so precious, it was very , very emotional, the most special time of my life. everything went well no problems at all she was just fine and so was I   …I was just so happy to have finally met the little miracle I had growing in me for so many weeks .all went well on the first night, she slept next to me all night, it was only the beginning of a wonderful life together. I decided to call her Sharni Lee  beautiful name for a beautiful girl… I know deep down in my heart that both mum and dad where there in the delivery room all the way (probably making jokes and sneaking the laughing gas) Sharni grew beautifully, she drank milk from the breast really well, she slept well, she was everything I wished for. she started taking solids at 2 and a half months and started moving more and observing every move made , she was very observant she grew more beautifully than I ever had dreamt   

 tension at home was still high always fighting and lack of sleep didn’t help plus I was trying to lose weight and being called a whale all the time didn’t help but hey I guess I did put on 28 kilo’s , but I think I done pretty well , going from 34 to 62kgs   once I had my daughter I knew I could never have a reason to do what I done back then I now have a dam good reason to live X adores his little girl so much , she is daddy little angel they have a special closeness between them that is very sweet to see I just thought she would open his eyes up to his habits if that didn’t work then nothing ever will , it’s a shame to see him throw a good life away all it takes is effort and the want to change…   when Sharni was six months old I felt that I was strong enough to finally walk away from X he was obviously not going to change and Sharni could sense the tension in the house, it wasn’t just me anymore I had to look out for her now too. and that’s what pushed me to leave, I was so dam scared, my sister L helped me to leave. she lent me $20 for X and she said there was only one condition and that was , if I went out with her one night , we didn’t have to pay her the money back so I did , and one night turned out to be forever. I left in a cab on the 1st of April 1998. (he was probably waiting for me to say “APRIL FOOLS” ) and that was the end of that chapter in my life….   TO BE CONTINUED…

me and A___(my X) (lets just call him  X on here) where together for three and a half years, this all began back in 1994 when I was just 15 years old, when me and X where together he used to blackmail me constantly, the only reason we stayed together longer than 5 weeks was because he would threaten to kill himself. first attempt was about 5 weeks into the relationship, I was on the phone and I refused to say that I loved him, as I didn’t , and he knew very well I wasn’t interested in him all that much. so once I hung up the phone he went and cut 5 big slashes into the top of his forearm , and he said to me ‘’see I cant bare to lose you ‘’ I felt sorry for him and from that day it never stopped. he had slashed his wrists many times, poisoned himself, bashed him self ,smashed his head into brick walls , punched brick walls , stabbed himself with scissors, glass and any sharp object near by at the time, he has overdosed and 90% of the time I have been there , he wanted me to watch him do it .

it was his way of telling me I was basically his prisoner. three and a half years of torment, verbal abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse , and on very few occasions physical abuse. I know I bit back and may have provoked some of these out breaks but he would not understand that I wanted out and that was that  .in the end I was feeling so stuck and scared to scared to tell anyone, I was afraid someone would get really hurt. but what I was blind to at the time was that I was getting hurt. eventually I had, had enough and I thought this was the best I was going to get so I decided to stop eating, in the end I was eating about 2-3 bites of food per day and weighing only 34 kilograms and my average weight was about 53 kilograms . I was near death . my family were all worried , but because I lived in the central coast ,along way from them they could not see half the stuff going on , that was it I wanted to die … I didn’t want to slit my wrists or hang my self like most people do , I just slowly day by day went to nothing, I was hoping in the end I would just disappear . no more X , no more tears , no more misery , no more sky. things were getting quiet bad , and the doctors couldn’t understand why I was so sick and skinny and couldn’t eat.

I made them believe I had really bad stomach pains and food made them worse , but all along I knew what it was , I just wanted to die. one day I went to see the doctor and he said ‘’ if you don’t eat soon you will be admitted to hospital and fed by a drip’’ ‘sure doc’’ I wouldn’t have went if they paid me .everyday was a nightmare. I was always working long hours getting very little wages, no energy but I still had to work . weeks ,months passed I got sicker and sicker ,thinner and thinner , but to me it wasn’t happening fast enough, I just wished I could fall asleep and that would be it, but no.! I must admit , my body must be pretty strong , to actually be able to stand up let alone walk, after having such little food (and I mean very little food sometimes none for days ) for so long this went on, maybe nearly a year. one day I went walking while X was in the tab and I decided to go and see the doctor, once I got there that was it , I broke down, for the first time in front of someone else , besides X, he was good , I didn’t tell him I was starving myself I still kept up with the stomach pains story , but I just told him how depressed and miserable I was, he decided I should see a counselor once a week to try and see if it would help at all and then maybe put me on a coarse of anti-depressants , but that never eventuated , none of it as I had to tell X about it , other wise how could I explain where I was once a week . gee X didn’t like that idea one bit , only because he knew if I was to see a counselor the truth about him being my major problem would have been raised, so each week he would make me call up and say I was sick, and also he didn’t like the fact that the counselor was male… he would not stand for that ..that was that back to square one once again. then all I could believe was that this was going to be the way my life would be forever, endless days, boredom, loneliness, misery, coldness, all the heart ache, this was my fate.

might as well keep starving myself, my body would have to eventually give in . so that’s just what I did , food was a thing of the past to me , at this stage I was lucky to have even one bite of food , but soon I became used to not having food, the hunger pains even went away, the only thing I could feel was my small frail body getting weaker and colder and sometimes I think that being weak and cold was worse than the pains. I was getting sick quiet often with the flu and bugs going around, and at one stage I was told that I had ulcers in my stomach that were bleeding and that if something wasn’t done soon I could possibly bleed to death..’’ah just what I wanted to hear’’ was all I could think when I heard those words.

I took Zantacs and some other medicine for about a week , but that was just prolonging the problem …….my life…things didn’t improve at all from that day, I had become that skinny that I had no clothes that fit me, which only made my misery worse. I was crying all the time , I just couldn’t stop , but the good thing was , after a good cry I was always sure to fall asleep , crying sure takes a lot out of you , especially when there’s really nothing there to take. one day my neighbor expressed her concerns to me and I was able to speak to her about it all ,well I thought I could until the conversation had finished , I became all anxious and scared and guilty, that she would say something to her partner to he would say something to X, I was close to having a panic attack, I was finding it hard to breath properly for about 15 minutes , luckily M___  kept her word, but the way she acted around him changed quiet a bit I am amazed he never caught on, thank god. right when I was entering my worse stage of dying I started to get really sick, I was throwing up a lot ( which was weird as I very rarely threw up and especially when there was nothing to throw up but water) and I was getting that tired I would be back in bed asleep 3 hours after getting up .

then weird things started happening , I actually thought my body was calling quits and shutting down , my breast where sore to touch  it was all to much so I went to the doctor and I told him everything that was happening and he said to me ‘’ could you be pregnant?’’   ‘’oh no , me and X don’t even sleep together at all’’ I said. but then I thought ‘’oh no new years eve !!!! I had a little to much champagne and I guess you could say I got desperate ( I mean really desperate!!!!) and me and X slept together (I cant even remember most of it thank god) he said well just to sure I will do a quick test to see… he then said ‘’you do have all the symptoms of being pregnant you know?’ my stomach dropped.., so off he went to do the test. as I sat there so nervous and totally freaked out a nurse who was helping the doctor sat down and talked to me while I was waiting. she started asking me questions like ‘’so have you ever thought about having children?’’ and ‘’do you know what you are going to do if you happen to be pregnant?’’

I think I was totally freaked out enough by the whole thing having her in my ear didn’t make it any easier. a minute later the doctor walked in and announced ‘’the test its positive’’ it took me about 15-20 seconds before I actually realized what he had just said……oh my god was all I could say….the confusion that went through my mind that day…….wow , I didn’t know what to do….I was scared shocked,happy,exited,nervous,overjoyed all in the space of a second. what a day. I knew from that moment I had to get strong and healthy, I had to eat again, build up my strength and to start supplying my new baby with healthy food, I did not smoke another cigarette after the doc told me…

it took a while for my body to start accepting food again , but from then on , oh I knew I had a dam good reason to live , this was it , the start of my life all over again, and I always thought to myself that the only way I would ever be happy again would be if I had a true miracle, and there you have it, I got my miracle, I was meant to conceive this child, I wasn’t meant to die ..   P.S I left him when my daughter was six months old , but I will leave that for next time…TO BE CONTINUED…

PART 2 IS DOWN BELOW

this is my cockatiel named chicken what a cutie hey??

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAG2y4T7jxM