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 Member » skylee » Blog » MY little miracle part 3 (FINA...
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once i left i went and lived with L, A, RJ (step dad) and J.it was ok but it did get hard , RJ started telling me what to do all the time , and after being out of home for so long it became really difficult to take orders like that again, and hey i just got away from X , i wanted to do what i wanted for a change, it was so good, the feeling of freedom, no fighting, i cant describe the feeling!!! X continued to harrass me at my sisters he overdosed 10 days after i left on tranzuillizers and panadene forte and conviniatly it was to the day that my father passed away only 8 years later, i had his family abuse me and my sister L, i had just had enough of the whole lot of them , they meant nothing to me, in any way. X's sister P continuously kept telling me that my baby was going to be retarded, because her first child was and so was X's mothers first child, P was hoping sharni would be retarded , but i knew in my heart and soul she would be perfect and i was right , they may be sharni’s family, but if i have to protect her from hurt i will and if that means keeping them away from sharni , i will. sharni doesn’t need people like that in her life , they will only do more harm than good .when she is old enough to understand and she requests to see her family , i will not stand in her way, DJ, X's little brother is the only decent one in the family, sharni adores him. but due to all the tension they have no contact which is a shame really. one day maybe things will change, who knows.
sharni is now eight months old and i have met a wonderful guy , DS .i have known and fancied him for about 2 years but i was with X, we get along great , but one problem ( ha ha knew there had to be something wrong) he drinks excessive amouts of alcohol , and quiet frequently , he has definatly got a drinking problem . i stay away when he drinks, he usually just hangs out at the colonial hotel with all his footy mates and the locals..who knows maybe it’s a phase!!!.
we are now quiet close , have been together for about 4 weeks, we have heaps of fun together, we talk and joke, well he is one of the best joksters i have ever met in my life , he is a clown , sharni and DS get along well, we all go for walks together , its nice …
X is still carrying on just as bad , more suicide atempts , a few brick walls punched, he has lost all his power now i am gone , he must feel helpless , well let him see how it feels for a change , might do him some good, i doubt it though, he will probably just switch to self distruct mode and feel sorry for himself…a few weeks later i met a friend through a friend his name is NM , pretty cool bloke he is , when talking we found out that he was looking for a flat mate and i was looking for somewhere to live , so i ended up moving in a few weeks later, it was great somewhere to call home again. DS seemed to slowly fall in a hole constantly drinking day and night he was always drunk, he just didn’t seem to be his usual self, he was withdrawn, he was also unemployed which made the drinking easier , we talked a lot and he just seemed to be depressed about the loss of his father. when he was 7 or 8 his father commited suicide and DS found him , that had affected his whole life , sometimes he would be drunk and say things like im gonna kill myself and go and be with my dad again , i never knew wheather to take it seriously or not because he was so drunk at the times he would say it ..i offered him phone numbers of people he could talk to but he really wasn’t interested , One night i layed there with him hugging and kissing him and tried to reassure him that things would get better, that was the last hug and kiss we shared , he was put into rehab by his mother and step father and while in there he hung himself, he was only 21, he had so much going for him we was loved and respected by all, he was playing football , and was going somewhere with that, he had a great family who loved him that much its not funny, but he just could not hold on any longer , i think he could not live with what happened to his father any longer so he decided to join him. i will always have a special place in my heart for DS he was the one true love in my life. he was a very special person to me , i will always love him .
after all these tragitys , i really thought i was going to go mad, so many special beautiful people around me dying, i just wasn’t coping well, me and B , DS's sister became really good friends, and i have gotten to know his mother quiet well too. such a beautiful family.
been about six months since i lost DS now, and i have now decided to do a seminar called insight the awakening heart , its held in crows nest and it goes for seven days , it might help me to find myself again , all this pain and sorrow around me , has made me feel blind folded to myself , well august 19th 1998 , date the course starts has arrived and i am feeling very anxious about the whole thing.
60 people in a room , all strangers to each other , all about to over the next 7 days share some of our deepest thoughts and feelings with each other , i am a very nervous person when it comes to meeting new people , all new faces smiling at me with polite greetings , oooh , i might go hide in the corner…..i became relaxed by day three , got to know some people , heard some stories, seen emotions flying through the room, by day four, it was great , i felt more confident to speak to others about my self and i even got up in front of the whole group and spoke, made lots of new friends. by day five i could feel changes in my self already , i had opened up my heart , i awakened my heart . the last day was really sad, to see all the people who had just helped you through some tough things go and to know you may never see them again . as we all said our good byes i was also asking if there was anyone interested in going out afterwards as it was my last night in the city , but everyone said no , they either had to work the next day or were to tired, then this ladie called J said me and G are going back to my place for a few drinks you are welcome to come , so i agreeed, as we were leaving J said you go in G car his is nicer than mine, i had only had a very breif chat with G during the whole seven days, but he was nice , and all his talks infront of the group really caught my heart, even bringing me to tears once. so we left crows nest and just before we were near the city i asked G if he could just drop me off as i relized by the time i got back to CB place i would be running late so i decided to get dropped off, i said to G that i really didn’t feel like going back to her place , and he said i don’t really either, so he signaled J to stop and said were goona find somewhere to have a drink wanna join us , but she said she would just head home , so then me and my new friend G went looking for somewhere to get a drink and we ended up at the bourborne and beefsteak in kings cross, we talk for hours , i really liked this guy streight away. about 4 in the morning we ended up heading off to bondibeach to watch the sun rise, we sat there on a blanket it was so beautiful..we were talking and he interupted and said you know what i feel like doing?what i said? i feel like kissing you. and that’s just what he did, it was so beautiful the way he made me feel that morning, there was definatly something there between us , i felt it that morning , some sort of connection,,,,afterwards we went back to the cross and found a nice little café and had breakfast together, it was lovely, after that he dropped me off at CB place ..what a morning,,,i was on cloud nine ,,well until i relized that i was running late , i had to get a train back to KW to collect my darling daughter sharni who i missed so much. 7 days is a long time to be away from your child . she stayed with X , i knew she would be fine with him and she was . But as soon as i arrived to get her X had started asking for money and i refused as i needed every cent i had , and boy did he go off, out on the street , mind you on the great western highway , he stood there and started threatening to kill my family if i didn’t give him the money and i still refused and walked away, that got him real mad , he looked like he was going to kill me there and then , but he knew in the end that i was not going to give him a cent and finally he gave up and stormed off yelling abuse at me at the top of his lungs.
once i got settled back in at home people started saying that i thought i was good because i done a course in the city and now was speaking to people who lived down that way , i just shrugged it off , as far as i was concerned it wasn’t me who had the problem it was them because they didn’t like the fact that i was going out doing things to better myself and they were doing nothing but accepting that where they were was as good as it gets , but i knew there was more to life than living in KW and being on the dole .all i knew was that i wanted to go somewhere in my life , and that was what i intended to do .
a few weeks after returning things turned sour with me and NM he had lost his job and was going out partying and spending all our rent money including the money i gave him , i found letters from the real estate saying we were about 4 weeks behind . i was furious he wasn’t only gonna get himself kicked out, but me and sharni aswell. me and G had continued seeing each other after the course finished and we were becoming pretty close , G could see the hassles i was having with NM and ask if i would like to come and stay at his place for a while, and i accepted the offer , me and G ended up living together as a couple . it was good but there were a few problems , we both wernt ready for something that full on and it ended up falling apart about three months later, i ended up moving in with my aunty for a little while then i found my own place in blacktown , a two bedroom half house it wasn’t to bad , small , but big enough for me and sharni..about two months after i moved in there X asked if he could crash on my lounge for two weeks as he had no where to go , i agreed as he was being pretty good and hadnt harassed me for a while , that was the biggest mistake . X came and stayed and started to try and run the place he was not listening to any of my rules and he would never leave he would say i am going in a week but no it never happened , i was so furious , i had put myself back where i started, he started doing the same things again , he would cut his arms to pieces or wrap wire cord around his throat that tight he would turn blue, he ended up getting his compensation claim whilst staying with me and he really blew that fast, he did buy me a car for $1500.00 and spent about $1000.00 on sharni but the rest went on gambling and drugs , he really stuffed up big time , at the worse stage he was sitting behind the wheels of my car and stopping me from taking sharni out of the house , me and G ended up getting back together, he took me to the hunter valley , just as friends, but we came home just l little bit more (if you know what i mean) and things were great , we spent so much time together and we really enjoyed each others company, we where ready for a relationship this time we had the time to heal , things where feeling right this time.
as before we were not ready for that full on thing. this time i knew i really wanted to be with him and i wanted to share my life with him. things went well , but X being in my house really made it hard for us , as G wouldn’t come here and X wouldn’t let me take sharni there. so i was stuck in the middle and when i say X wouldn’t let me take sharni i mean it , he would go as far as slashing my tyres, and sitting behind the wheels of my car, or even getting physical with me. he made it really hard and if i went to call the police he would go and smash my phone , i was getting sick of having the police around at my house , and the neighbors were looking at me badly and i had just had enough of it all . one day with the help of a good friend i decided to get the hell out of there i knew i would be losing my home but at least i would have my life back again and the proper rights to my daughter, i came home one day and told X that i was going to a friends house for the day and it was a hot day so i took a few pieces of clothing with me , i was really going to a refuge in BW , it was the best thing i could have done for me and sharni , X was forever calling my mobile phone and harassing me but i didn’t care as i knew i was safe from him now he didn’t have a clue where i was and i had my little princess with me , i was regaining my life once again , X ended up having the sherriff kick him out of my house and then he was homeless all he had was a car and a dooner he had stolen from my bed . i felt really bad for a while but then i thouht how could i feel bad when he took my home and my daughter from me , he may not have taken her from the premises but he turned her against me. he chose the life he is living and now he has to deal with it , with his compensation money he ended up becoming an addict to anphetamines (speed) he really stuffed his life up the moment he started taking it . i started to feel safe again for the first time in ages at the refuge , i had good people around me , people who could understand my situation as they had been through it themselves. i ended up meeting this ladie called QM, we became really good friends , she had three children , E 4, J, 3 and N , nearly one , we got along so well that i thought that i had found my long time friend. some one who would be there for a long time to come .i will tell that story soon. i had such great support from the workers there and sharni really started to shine when we got there, things were great , even to the point where my nails grew that long it wasn’t funny , it was all a matter of lack of stress .
i had finally gotten rid of X. he was gone , i knew from that moment on he would never put me through all that again.
Little did i know….
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