... about having a baby. Not the pregnancy itself but the complications that occur, and that are seriously increased if I don't lose weight. I am freeaking out big time here. The whole time I'm like... if I could just get pregnant, then I would be ok. But I  am shit scared of being pregnant right now, or even in the next year while I am this size.

I was doing some research, although in all seriousness I already know all the risks invovled with obesity and pregnancy and childbirth. But as I was reading I started feeling really sick. Truly nauseous. I can't even describe how ill I felt just before.

So, as a consequence, I went to the kitchen and threw out any junk food that I could  find in the house - or anything the I can potential create as junk food. I feel so motivated right now. I want to dance and just go for a walk and do sit ups and drink water and eat salads... weird feeling for me actually.

The only thing I hate is the tomorrow, this motivation may be gone. I hate how split personality I can be about this stuff. I need to keep reminding myself about how badly I want this and just keep telling myself it over and over. And the good thing is that I have 6 whole weeks to focus on it to give me a head start.  

So this blog is gonna be a big whinge, so avert your eyes if you wish....

Dammit! What is it with me and food. I just can't stop eating! And I hate it I really do. I am like, totally addicted to food. It totally rules my life and it is all I can ever think about. And it is slowly killing me and ruins my life day by day. I wish I knew how it got to this way and how to stop it. And I ask for help but it does no good... not because people don't help me, but because I can't seem to help myself. Even right now, I feel sooooo full and yukky from eating every junk food I could find in the house, and yet I am still shovelling Burger Rings into my mouth as I type! And I don't even want it, so why on earth am i still eating!?!?!?!

I have been a bit emotional the last few days... my bday party sucked, my so called best friend promised to come then didn't AGAIN and I am eating all the wrong foods which means no weight loss which means no baby.

I will never have a baby if i keep going like this. I will die before I even get the chance. I am sooooo down right now and I totally hate it. I feel so helpless, yet don't want to reach out and ask for help because a) nobody gives a stuff anyways, and b) nobody can really help me but me.

I've just spent the last 15 mins just crying and going round in circles in my head all the things I already know what to do to fix it. I know what to do and how to do it... so why can't I just DO IT.

So, I was shopping at Big W the other day with Asha and i saw this Mem Fox, Possum Magic Baby Book. I said to Asha, "when we have a baby you HAVE to buy us that!!!".

Today I got my book club order back... and I had TOTALLY forgotten that I had ordered it through Book Club!!! AND it came with this gorgeous number 1-10 Possum Magic wall frieze. It is sooooooo gorgeous! So, it has taken its place in the junk room/future baby's room. It is yet another incentive to keep losing weight so we can have this precious baby we desperately long for.

Here's a pic of the book http://exquisitechildrencomau.melbourneitwebsites.com/cat/index.cgi/shopfront/view_product_details?category_id=3754&product_id=120387 

I am going to try and have an 'Aussie' themed bedroom for the baby. With a wall mural (will try to get Tim to do it, or I will use the overhead projector from work.) I have a cool pic in mind that I desperately hope we can do.

I can't wait :)

Ahh crap. 2 weeks I've been off my diet.... 2 WEEKS!!! What on EARTH am I THINKING!?!?!?!

I've fallen into the old 'i'll start a fresh tomorrow' trap... and the old eating habits have returned. I've eaten sooooo much shit the last few days I am surprised my body is even funtioning!

Dammit.... and i've gained back 2.5 kgs. I had forced myself to weigh in even though I wasn't losinkg weight. I guess to try and kick start me back on the straight and narrow. I've even started my own support group for trying to help me lose weight. Will try sooooooo much harder from now on. I can't keep making excuses.