We are almost ready to wrap up our discussion on assertiveness.  We have already discussed the passive type and the aggressive type.  Now it is time to discuss how to meet in the middle of these two extremes of the assertiveness continuum, or in other words, being assertive.

Assertive individuals express their feelings and thoughts in a manner which do not infringe on the rights of others.  You've met people like this -- they are respectful, say what they are thinking but always take into account the feelings and impact of their statements on others.  They come across as strong and confident but yet approachable.  They have good eye contact, are good listeners and appear physically relaxed while conversing with others.  Assertive individuals stand up for their personal rights but also respect the opinions of others.

Assertive individuals are much more likely to be successful in relationships, work, and life in general because they understand that the only thing they have control over is themselves.  They get respect because they give respect.  They are not afraid to say to somebody "I want you to know that your comment hurt my feelings."  Will it change what the person said?  No.  Will it change the way that individual interacts with them in the future?  Possibly.  Will the person who expressed their feelings be walking around sulking or being angry wishing they had stood up for themselves?  Absolutely not. 

When discussing assertiveness, I like to use the example of going to the grocery store and having someone cut in front of them in the checkout lane.  We've all had that happen at least once in our lives.  But what do you do?  Do you ignore the cut?  Do you berate the person for being rude>  Or do you say politely but firmly, "Excuse me, but I am next in line.  The end of the line is back there."  Of course, how you respond may depend on your mood that day or how much time you have to shop.  The way to know for sure if you should have said something is if you are still stewing about it when you get out to the parking lot. 

Being assertive doesn't change the situation, but it allows you to rid yourself of unnecessary emotional baggage, i.e., stewing about the person who cut in front of you or about the way your co-worker addressed you in a meeting, etc.   Assertive individuals don't  waste their energy in this way.  I guess an easier way to describe it is that assertive individuals have very good boundaries.

So, back to why I am writing about assertiveness on a parenting blog.  As I discussed in my initial post, our kids learn more from what they see us do than what we tell them.  As parents, we have to be what we want our kids to be.  We want to model healthy boundaries so our kids will be able to navigate the myriad of relationships and situations they will encounter in the grown up world.  This includes modeling good assertive communication with our spouse/significant other, relatives, friends and co-workers. 

And what to do if we slip to either end of the spectrum in front of our kids?  Use it as a learning opportunity.  Explain how you should have handled the situation and why.  It's important for kids to know that we too make mistakes and that rather than beating ourselves up, we use them as ways to learn. 

Next time, I'll share some assertiveness techniques and tips.

Okay, so far in our discussion of assertiveness, we have discussed basic assertive rights as well as the passive end of the assertiveness continuum.  Today, we are going to discuss the other end -- aggressiveness.

Many think of aggressiveness as being a physical thing, e.g., hitting, etc.  While this is sometimes true, aggressiveness can best be described as the infringement on others basic assertive rights.  Here are some characteristics of aggressive individuals:

• low tolerance for frustration
• use of intimidating body language
• talk in a loud or demanding voice
• blame others or point out the fault in others
• be poor listeners, i.e., interrupt, jump to conclusions, etc.
• talk over others

Aggressive communicators often come across as being very angry.  One thing I learned working in the prison with VERY angry individuals is that anger is usually a mask for fear.  It may be a fear of being victimized, taken advantage of or being powerless.  Whatever the case, given the choice between the emotions of fear or anger, many pick anger because it makes them feel less vulnerable at the moment.  So, what are some of the implications of acting with aggressive tendencies:

• people come to fear them
• others try to avoid them
• they use their aggressiveness to avoid others
• they have an external locus of control, e.g., they blame the world for their woes rather than recognizing and accepting responsibility for their actions

My experience has been that aggressive communicators are often very sad and lonely people.  It's as if they recognize that they do not have the quality relationships with others, which just to be clear, they do want.  Despite this, however, their fear of being vulnerable and leaves them feeling that they have not other option but to act in a manner that they feel allows them to regain control.  Using the analogy of a toolbox, aggressive communicators lack to the tools to engage with others in a way where they are still in control, but are also respecting the rights of others.  In other words, they have not learned how to be assertive.  More on that next time...

Do you know someone who is an aggressive communicator?  Do you see any of these tendencies in yourself or perhaps your spouse or child?  Post your comments!

Okay, continuing our discussion on assertiveness, I would like to talk to day about the passive end of the assertiveness continuum.  The picture to the left is a clue as to what those with passive tendencies end up being -- doormats. 

Know before I get a bunch of nasty comments/e-mails, let me be clear that I don't mean to sound harsh.  I understand how difficult it can be for people who tend to live at this end of the spectrum as, believe it or not, I used to spend much of my time there.  Passive individuals often feel powerless, unheard and unimportant. 

Having said that, my goal in discussing assertiveness is to help you the reader recognize where you are at on the continuum.  As Dr. Phil would say:  1) we can't change what we don't acknowledge; and 2) we teach people how to treat us.  Just something to consider.

Getting back to the topic, here are some characteristics of passive individuals:

• they often avoid conflict
• they have difficulty expressing their feelings, thoughts or opinions
• they allow others to infringe on their personal rights
• often apologize when they don't need to
• display passive body language

Don't discount that last part.  Did you know that only about 10% of communication is our words?  The majority of communication has to do with body language, tone of voice and so on.  Having worked in a prison for several years, I would often ask those who committed random crimes against others how they picked their victims.  They often replied that that there was 'just something about the way they carried themselves.'  Upon further inquiry, this often meant crossed arms, head down, slumped shoulders, etc.   Just something to ponder...

So, what are the implications for passive individuals?  As I said earlier, these individuals often feel powerless, unheard and unimportant.  They also are more likely to feel anxious and even depressed.    Looking at the list of Basic of Assertive Rights discussed last time, passive individuals struggle with:

• Don't stand up for themselves
• Accept being treated in a disrespectful manner
• Very rarely say 'no'
• Do not express their thoughts and feelings
• Have difficulty asking for what they want
• Have difficulty asking for more information or explanation
• Become anxious if they make mistakes
• Often do not feel good about themselves

Keep in mind that for some, passive tendencies may be situational, e.g., they may be passive with certain friends or with the in-laws or in new situations or the like. 

So in summary, passive individuals have a difficult time standing up for themselves thus allowing others to walk on their individuals rights.  This definitely comes at a personal expense.  Do you struggle with being passive?  Is it situational for you?  Share your thoughts and comments!  We will continue our discussion next time...

Continuing our discussion on assertiveness from my previous post, I would like to talk about your rights.  I'm talking about your rights when interacting with others.  The following is from the book The Assertive Option:

1. You have the right to act in a manner that promotes your dignity and self-respect, as long as you do not violate the rights of others with your behavior.
2. You have the right to be treated with respect.
3. You have the right to say "no" without feeling guilty.
4. You have the right to feel and express your feelings.
5. You have the right to take the necessary time to calm down and think.
6. You have the right to change your mind.
7. You have the right to ask for whatever you wish.
8. You have the right to do less than what you would if you were using all your reserves.
9. You have the right to ask for information.
10. You have the right to make mistakes.
11. You have the right to feel good about yourself.

Okay, now the million dollar question:  How many of these rights to you live? 

These rights might sound very basic, but it can be a challenge for even the most assertive person to be consistent.  This brings up a point that needs to be mentioned:  most of us will move around on this continuum.  We might tend to lean towards one side or the other, but we may fluctuate  a bit depending on the situation, our mood, our energy level, etc.  The goal, of course, is to try to stay as close to the middle as possible as this is the communication pattern that is most likely to be leave us feeling at peace. 

So, which of these rights do you struggle the most with?  Post your responses!  And stay tuned -- we will continue our discussion on this topic in the next post.