My gosh! I just looked at the date of my last blog and it was last December! Time does fly when your having fun OR if you are going through the process of getting one autistic child settled into school while also then having another one being assessed for autism too. Add on top of that your eldest had been hospitalised with burst appendix and you have a recipe for a long stretch away from the computer!

As I mentioned, I have had my second son assessed for autism and it looks pretty certain that he will be given that diagnosis. I cried all day after the first assessment because I truley didn't know how the hell I was going to find the energy and resources to even begin to deal with two autistic kids. After the initial shock and tears wore off I slowly began to realise that I was ALREADY dealing with this situation and it was a case of being more upset about having to let go of the hope that I might be wrong about what I had feared all along, and that it was now undeniably true. That one hurt like a bugger let me tell you!

Then I grieved over losing my life. I felt as though I was always going to be giving and giving to my family with little chance to have anything left for myself ( see anniebabe's last advice). It didn't help matters that my father came to stay for a while and he began to worry for me, to the point of saying that I couldn't keep this up on my own without more support  - would I consider a  move to be closer to the rest of my family? Well, I already knew that my Tassie partner wouldn't move even if you put a fire cracker under him! No matter how I felt about it. And I would never move his children so far away from him. There was nothing else to say.

What do you do when you feel like your relationship is becoming one of convenience rather than love? I don't know. All I do know is that I need to get myself into a supportive environment so I can give my kids the love and attention that thay need without losing myself.

How I will manage that is yet to be seen. But by doing the best for myself will be ensuring my kids have a mum that can be everything they need me to be. Maybe thats all we mum's can do.

Yesterday afternoon my beloved friend and companion, Gussy, died while looking at the the beautiful view of the Derwent Valley.

My boy was 12 years old and I was so sad to watch him go but I know that he is now going on to the place of endless romping and adventure - where there is plenty of love and pats, a never ending supply of his favorite foods and maybe a possum or two to chase. I know that he is never far away from me and I need only to whistle and he will come running to fill me with his memories and love.

We buried him today in our land. But the best place that you can bury your dog is deep with-in your heart, for then they will always be with you. You only have to whistle.....

Vale my dearest Boy

My sweet Gus.

xxxxxx

My beautiful niece, Kat (21), has just flown home to Sydney after staying with us for a week and it was so great to have family around ! My kids don't get to see cousins very often as they are interstate or overseas, but Kat sure made a big impression on my kids!

Needless to say I was able to have some much desired down time when Kat took over playing and helping the kids!

Thank you also to my minti friends that left amessage to cheer me up - very much appreciated!

Wishing all a Very Merry Christmas and a Fantastic New Year!

Hi all,

I am really down at the moment as my second son is being referred to be screened for autism. I don't think that I will ever leave my house again unless for appointments! I don't feel as though my partner really understands how hard it is for me, with no immediate family to help me! He always tries to be supportive and do what he can but I find that he just feels uncomfortable if I tell him how I am really coping! It is so exhausting to provide a solid family life for an autistic child, I don't know if I have the stamina to keep that up for two!

I am so torn between wanting the best for my kids and trying to find time to be me - at the moment I don't seem to have that time at all! And if my partner looks after them for a short while it is great until I come home as I am then left to deal with them on my own again because he feels that he has done enough. Or at least thats what I think he feels when he turns off to looking after the boys.

I will stop moaning 'cause I didn't want to be so damned depressing during such a happy time!

Wishing every one a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!