My gosh! I just looked at the date of my last blog and it was last December! Time does fly when your having fun OR if you are going through the process of getting one autistic child settled into school while also then having another one being assessed for autism too. Add on top of that your eldest had been hospitalised with burst appendix and you have a recipe for a long stretch away from the computer!

As I mentioned, I have had my second son assessed for autism and it looks pretty certain that he will be given that diagnosis. I cried all day after the first assessment because I truley didn't know how the hell I was going to find the energy and resources to even begin to deal with two autistic kids. After the initial shock and tears wore off I slowly began to realise that I was ALREADY dealing with this situation and it was a case of being more upset about having to let go of the hope that I might be wrong about what I had feared all along, and that it was now undeniably true. That one hurt like a bugger let me tell you!

Then I grieved over losing my life. I felt as though I was always going to be giving and giving to my family with little chance to have anything left for myself ( see anniebabe's last advice). It didn't help matters that my father came to stay for a while and he began to worry for me, to the point of saying that I couldn't keep this up on my own without more support  - would I consider a  move to be closer to the rest of my family? Well, I already knew that my Tassie partner wouldn't move even if you put a fire cracker under him! No matter how I felt about it. And I would never move his children so far away from him. There was nothing else to say.

What do you do when you feel like your relationship is becoming one of convenience rather than love? I don't know. All I do know is that I need to get myself into a supportive environment so I can give my kids the love and attention that thay need without losing myself.

How I will manage that is yet to be seen. But by doing the best for myself will be ensuring my kids have a mum that can be everything they need me to be. Maybe thats all we mum's can do.