well havent posted any pics of the kiddies for a bit so i thought id chuck a few down here that ive messed around with slightly haha

chloe posing for emo album cover haha

nah shes too sweet! this is her getting ready for school by the way haha

and heres my lil grinner bubba boy

hope u like the pics! we are enjoying the school holidays to the max! even tho im not well i love having chloe home with me and "helping" haha

xxxnat

thing are pretty good on the home front.

N is spendin alot of time with tobi and hes doing sooo well it surprised me! hes going to canada this year so hes tryin to be with tobi as much as he can, he just broke his arm so hes got out of nappy duty....for now! haha

we argue about alot of crap but thats nothing new we always have! haah

he told his parents and they took it pretty well apparently i havent spoken to him much about it, im leaving him to make whatever choice hes going to.

YAY im going on holiday next week! im so excited! chloe and i have matching pink suitcases haah!

i went to the docs today about my face and i have staph and a blood infection! arrrgh! so gross!

im taking antiboitics and using a prescribed antibiotic for now, my antibodies protected tobi untill JUST now! he has one mark on his chest which is healing well so the doc said he might be sick for a few days but he will be fine. PHEW!

my face is a mass of scabs and scar tissue and its really depessing! but at least i know it will go away now, the doc was surprised it had cleared up as much as it did, i spose its because i went TOTALLY overboard with the teatree morning noon and night!

so right now my entire body is covered under the skin with bumps and it itches like hell! even my scalp itches!

i apparently got it from a boil i had soon after i had tobi. it was really big and turned black and only last week did it start to heal.the staph was prob in that infection and i scratched it and got a pimple on my face and scratched that and it spread from there! ive never had pimples b4 and i suddenly have acne!

other than that im good!

xxxnat

well things are going well i think. ive been horrid moody and tobi has been a bit of a naana but i know why now! ive been PMT!

spose it must have been bought in by all the stress recently and tobi prob doesnt like the taste of my milk atm.

my face looks like crap! ive never had pimples and i got kinda like acne, weeping pimples that crusted over and one side of my face looks horrendous! ive had to go get breastfeeding suppliments, lucky chloes grandmas a midwife and asked if i have any cuts and i said yes and she said what are they like, i can get a paper cut and it will start off tiny then turn BLACK and the scab will stick around for 3 weeks! she suggested im low in magnesium calcium and zinc. so off i toodled to the chemist to have them looked at. im using tea tree on them so they have dried out and are healing but it still looks bad and it STINGS like a u know what!

my mate and i are talking about things. for starters he explained to me he only wants the FIRST visit to be without me with his parents, its really complicated but they are a family who dont talk about their private lives so i told him i didnt like it but i understood but that hes NOT taking tobi for a few more months, he has to learn to be a parent first.

so hes been coming over every night and has taken over the bedtime routine with tobi and hes doing really well. its hard for me because im not used to it, im used to doing everything by myself and i kinda felt to start with that i was "training" him so he can start pushing e out of my babies life. i had thoughts of sabotage and showing him how much tobi needs me to be around,( that its easier when its at my house with me wandering around) by going outside and not speaking for 20 mins lol but i didnt do it. im pleased that he cares and that hes trying so hard and that he wants to be involved , i just dont want him taking him away

but tonight i actually managed to explain how i feel about it all and how hard its been for me to think of being seperated from tobi seeing as tho ive never had anyone help me for a break except once to go out and he was asleep the whole time. i explained i really dont yet "feel" like we are seperate ppl even though he sees us as that, i threat myself the same way i did while i was pregnant and i dont take breaks from parenting its a 24 hour thing for me so hes  aprt of me. thats how i feel anyway.

hes been great about that and said i shoudl have explained it that way b4 hahah

chloes really happy about everything, i thought it would be hard on her too coz she thinks of tobi as "our" baby and has never had to share him b4, my mate was worried about how she woudl react and what coudl he do to make it better for her and i decided on just saying it was so she coudl spend more time with my without me having to jump to tobi and for him to learn so could she please help him learn about tobias and what eh likes?

shes taken to those ideas like a duck! shes very good with tobi so she likes to explain to N what he likes and how to play with him and do thinsg for him and shes really really enjoying me being able to play games and read to her without tobi plonked on my lap being cuddled b4 bed. tonight N played games with her while i fed tobi too so she lapped that up and had an argument with him over the footy! haha

so for now things are pretty good. he wasnt going to tell his parents about tobi for a few more months utill he can take him for a half hour on his own but hes been thinking about telling them this weekend and maybe taking me or just telling them he needs time to learn if they want to meet him on his own. i think eitehr way it will be difficult but id MUCH rather they were distracted by tobi the first time rather than it being me in the limelight! and i wouldnt feel good about tobi just being taken when he shoudl be with me.

so its eitehr they meet him in a few months for a half hour OR they meet him soon with me

wish me luck!

xxxnat

sorry i didnt update sooner ive been pretty confused and a bit down, thankyou all for your support!

ok time for update

im sooo tired and drained! i got the results at around 11 last nite and my mate is tobis dad after all....

i didnt really ahve much to say i was kinda shocked so he left for awhile and came back later so he could be with tobi this morning.

im not sure how i feel really, im happy for tobi he has a dad now but its alot to take in and adjust to . i feel like writing a very strongly worded letter to my doc!

so now i know that tobis twin prob died because i took the morning after pill, my mum thinks i may need sum councilling to deal with it all.

all in all its good tho, im just not used to asking anyones opinion when it comes to tobias hes always just been MY baby.

xxx nat

well!

the email ahs thus far sat in my email box since 3 30 this afternoon unopened! im still waiting for my mate to get off his butt and get here!

he said around 10 tonight so another hour maybe!

i dont think he is the father judging by the ph call with the company....

i called them and the lady said i can give u the results now and i said no sorry i cant i ahve to open it with the person involved and seh goes ohhhhhh are u sure? i can tell u right now?

hmmm says to me maybe its negative! well if it is its only what i have thought all along anyway going by the docs.....

thanks to everyone for being so supportive! its kept me sane (ish) this week!

luv nat xxx

well coz of damn aus post and their damn holidays i wont get the results till tomorow nite now!

thanks for everyones well wishes! LUV U GUYS!

xxxnat

well the email to tell me about tobias will be here tonight, so its time for me to find out the truth!

whatever it is il deal with it, if my ex really is the father well nothing has changed and if its my mate well.... we will deal with that!

im really nervous!

ive sent a sms to tell my mate the email will be here tonight, he hasnt written back but he said the other day he wants to find out the same time as me, i just hope he doesnt try not turning up to force me into waiting for the letter coz that wont work, il just open the email alone.... i need to do this now for myself and the kids im just not coping well not knowing the truth.

xxxnat

well my title pretty much says it all....

life has shown me a few big surprises of late that have put me in a bit of a tailspin! i wont go into great detail because im not really ready to do that but i feel that writing about this will make me feel a bit better...

those who know my story over the last year know its been a rollercoaster and it seems i havent got off this ride yet!

when i found out i was pregnant it was april last year i thought the baby was a product of a  rebound fling i had with my best friend after my break up with the asshole bf.

when i went to the docs they sent me on a date finder scan because they thought i was a bit further along and told me i was 9 weeks 4 days which meant i fell preg 12 to 14 feb, the 12th i had my implanon taken out! they also told me the reason why the morning after pill i used with my friend didnt work because i must have already been pregnant.

this meant my ex was tobias' father, not my friend so i dealt with that and moved forward, i suffered alot telling my ex bf and spent alot of last year worrying that he woudl folow thru with his threats when tobi was born, i knew he would have nothing to do with tobi and frankly thats a good thing for both myself and tobi.

tobi was born a week late and was brought on my breaking my waters his head wasnt engaged yet.

well! when tobi was born he looked nothing like my ex! ive wondered for awhile but dismissed it staying with the facts my doc gave me, yes tobi does look a bit like my friend but i thought that was more to do with the fact they are around each other alot, i heard that adopted kids often have the same facial expressions as their parents.

i was still in a bit of doubt so i used a conception calculator put in both my due date and tobis birth date and they BOTH said that i fell preg in march! i have no idea HOW the docs gave me the dates they did and i was really confused! i spoke to my mumm and she said she has known a long time that tobi wasnt my exs baby, that things just didnt add up (why do ppl not tell ME these things!)

i spoke to my mate and he said that he wasnt retarted that he thought there was a big chance tobi was his too and he wanted to take a test if it was ok with me, i said yes.

we have taken the test and now im waiting for the results to come back...

im so upset! i feel like an idiot! im so angry at myself for everything! im so ashamed!

and yet im happy i had tobi and regardless of the results hes still my adorable baby boy we have done it alone so far so well but if i had of known that the dates might ahve been wrong life last year wouldve been alot easier! i just NEED to know!

so now we wait

xxxnat