well i woke up this morning and for the first time in a long time i suddenly thought wtf have i been crying about? my life ROCKS!

im healthy, i have great kids that im doing a bloody good job of raising even though i have some hard times, all my clothes fit or are too big now haha and i tried on a dress i bought years ago that i LOVE and it was too big haha

i get sad sometimes coz im a bit isolated, alot of my friends are interstate and then my mates here work full time so i only see them weekends and alot of my other mates are still in party mode so we dont see each other alot now due to me being with tobias. but u know what? i have awsome mates! im so lucky!

my children make me smile and learn new things everyday that im lucky enough to be able to be a part of who cares who they DONT see?

so what if im single! ive had alot of offers i just dont think im suited to the men that are interested right now i counted up and its over 15 in five months that have pursued me lol so that was a boost to my self esteem! when i find someone that i think is right i will know i didnt lower my standards and that they are the right guy for myself and the kids, i wont end up stuck unhappy again.

my boobs shrank thank god! ive been an f cup for awhile now and actual REAL tops fit me properly now and im sure i could mange to buy a bra that isnt part parachute and isnt covered in a mountain of lace (hate lace!)

i have an excellent family that piss me off weekly but that love me beyond imagination lol

im not in debt , not sick, my kids are happy and i look awsum haha

yeah things have been hard but i am going to brush myself off count it all as a learning experience and get on with my life that will be better than i ever wouldve dreamed if i was still with a person who only thinks of himself.

il b angry awhile longer but i know my life is good and il just listen to alanis if i get pissed off hah!

second DNA  test next week i think i know the results lol i have a feeling they will be the same as last time dont you? when thats done and dusted i will smile walking away knowing my life is going forward to new places with my adorable kids ....

thanks to my online mates for being there

xxxnat

well my quitting smoking hasnt QUITE worked out! im still trying and ive cut down from 30 plus ciggies a day to under 10.

i did do great the first day absolutly no probs! i was feeling very positive about it all and thinking this was IT no more and feeling really good about it.

THEN i found out that tobias's dad is getting married in december to his 20 yo gf of 5 months! im serious they met and started dating ONE day after we broke it off and he hasnt come to see tobias since! we have been talking lately so i was feeling really positive that eventually he will ditch her and start coming to see tobias again and he COULDVE told me seeing as though we have been talking reguarly on msn but noooooo i found out on the bloody net that they are engaged! on a bloody myspace of all things! so yes i went and bought a packet i just couldnt cope without them!

then i came home and had one and put them away...... ring ring! the phone rings and its my lawyer he says N hasnt replyed to any of the mail thats been sent and its time to go to court to demand a DNA test to prove tobias is his! i said "oh no you must be mistaken! we have been talking and he asked for my correct address (ok hes been coming to my house for almost 5 years and cant remember my address!) and said his lawyer was onto it " um NOPE he hadnt responded at all nor had his lawyer grrrrrrr, so i tried to call him at my lawyers request maybe it was a mixup? il never know for sure coz he never answered a single one of my calls! i then left him a msg on MSN asking that he contact me about it... NOPE!

so now we have to go to court to have a court ordered DNA test because no1 wiitnessed the first one other than N, me and tobias and he wont say he did it! he wont admit tobias is his!

so yes im smoking again, ive cut down an awful lot and im really hoping that i can quit but dont think its much of a possibility while all this is going on.

im so upset and defeated that i couldnt manage to kick the habit! i feel like ive let myself and the kids down :(

i did it!

i made it an entire day haha arent u proud? im proud lol

it wasnt toooooo bad really considering HOW bad it could feel lol

i got a few bad cravings but dealt with them ok with my herbal tea at my side lol, i had a water bottle filled at all times.

i discovered something about myself.... i really ahte sittying down without a ciggie! so i stood up pretty much all day, for awhile i typed to toosh and stood! i cleaned all day to keep myself occupied and to divert my addiction to something more positive to become addicted to lol (HOPEFULLY!)

i had no idea how filthy my house was! im not by any stretch of the word a tidy person, i clean everyday but i do the "compulsory" jobs as i like to call them and put my " non compulsory" jobs to the side waaaaay to much! so i wiped walls, cleaned windows, skirting boards, wiped doors, doorframes, cleaned the oven, cleaned all the floors in bathroon toilet and kitchen, scrubbed bathroom and toilet, dusted, cleaned the heaters, cleaned all my nick nacks, ceiling fans, fridge.  THEN i did all the normal house cleaning and made homemade creamy zucchini soup for dinner, it was YUUUUM and even tobi liked it i just gave him a bowl before reheating with cream, mmmmmmmm

so all in all VERY PRODUCTIVE to quit smoking haha, il work on getting outside if the weather is good tomoz and picking up all my ciggie buts bleh

i didnt really have an easy day, tobi winged all day and it became a case of hold him or listen to him cry and seeing as though he wouldnt really sleep he ended up being taken around the house with me sooking at me half the day haha, he tends to like being in different rooms to the lounge though so it kept him a BIT happier than he would normally be.

hes teething again quite badly, if i look in his mouth i can see his gums have gone all whiteish and swollen almost all the way to th top in two places so hopefully these dratted teeth will pop their way thru in the next couple of days and be done with the bloody dramatics!

chloe was very helpful and seemed to be in a really good mood. she went back to school today and i think shes happy to be back with her friends, HEY she even invited a friend to have a sleepover with her here and asked THEIR mum lol. only prob is i think she is covering up a tummy bug so she can go to school, hmmm il have to keep an eye on her shes quite deceptive when shes sick coz she doesnt seem sick EVER.

well better go, DAY 2 tomorow!

thankyou all for your support, i came in countless times today to look at my blog and it made me feel so much better and made it ever so much easier for me to cope:)

xxxnat

i am attempting to quit smoking tomorow!

i want to quit and i think tomorow is the way to go to give it a try. im finishing off my smoking tonight and when i go to bed the end of the packet is going in the garbage which will be picked up at 5 in the morn so its no going back!

i want to quit smoking for several reasons

1. i want to be a good role model for my kids

2. i want to be ALIVE to see them grow

3. i want to move house back to MY neighbourhood and its alot more expensive but il cope if i dont have the expense of ciggies

4. the price went up this week

5. i stink lol

6. i dont have time! seriously!

7. i get stressed out and upset when i dont have time SERIOUSLY! lol

8. i want more energy

9. i dont want to be classed a SMOKER anymore i just want to be me

10. i want my health, my sanity without chemical influence to help and to be proud of myself for not giving in!

i wrote this so i can look back when i ahve craving and see WHY when i feel liek giving in.

any help or advice on how best to kick the habit will be MUCH appreciated!

xxxnat

ok i havent written for awhile so while i should be gettin dinner ready il show you all what a great parent i am and sit at the computer instead hahah, its ok guys the kids wont starve i just wont make soup from scratch......

i didnt dye the dog green and put a minti face on his back.... YET and the cat isnt sporting a minti onesy around the hood eithe,r sorry ive been slack!

everything seems to be gettin better for me, N and i are talking again slowly taking small steps at this time to see if we can repair our friendship that was once important to the two of us..... he still hasnt seen tobi and hasnt asked to. he came here to see me once so incidentaly saw tobias and gave him a hug so thats once since april haha. do i sound bitter? yes i know i do so im trying to work on that!

we have all been sick with a cold and tobi has had it the longest now, around two weeks!  hes dealing with it well and for some reason its actually made him sleep better haha!

chloes just being chloe driving me nuts right now! shes off school and keeps raiding all my food and eating everything in one go! i swear i let her have a yoghurt  when i was on the ph to toosh the other day and when i checked she had eaten 6! she ate a BAG of manderins in one day and when i went to open a punnet of strawberries from the fridge lo and behold there was an empty punnet!

in all this imense hunger MY food will most often bring a scowl to her face! whenever i say oh im about to make **** for dinner, whatever the ***** is will be the ONE thing she really really doesnt want! if i ask her what she wants she will reply hotdogs or soemthing else that we dont have in the house! GRRRRRRRRR

well i can hear tobi starting to have a winge now so i better go and get dinner ready! why wory bout making soup from scratch it would be YUCKY anyway!

xxxnat