Re: abusive relationships in the past
Asked by panda23

Question:

I'm in a relationship that is fairly new but we are moving very fast. I stay at his house (he still lives at home, but is planning on moving out within the next

few months) every night. Over 5 years ago he had a serious relationship with a girl that went to my high school so of course I hear more stories now that people are finding out that we are together. One of the stories I recently heard was that he had beat her. I don't know the extent of it, but of course it doesn't nessicarily matter. He hasn't done anything at all to make me think that he would hit me, but I also know that most people have no idea when its coming. And it happeneds when you least expect it.

I just need some advice. I dont know if the story is even true. Do i ask him? do i leave it alone? He really is a great guy and treats me amazingly....i just dont want to get caught (as in an abusive relationship). I don't know what to do . Any advice would help. thanks!

My Advice:

I am not saying don’t trust this man because, chances are, he could be a genuinely loving and sweet man.  I do wonder how old he is and why he is still living at home though?

this is a bit long, but please take the time to read what I am writing to you.....

Speaking from experience, his true nature may not become apparent to you until you have been together for some time.  There are many personality disorders that cause all kinds of abuse - and it comes in many forms, from emotional to physical to sexual.  Abusers don't always show their true colours in a short time.  Some abusers are cunning and can keep up a facade for a very long time, even years as mine did.  The longer you stay with an abuser the harder it is to break free - emotionally and financially - and regain your confidence and control over your own life and destiny.

Many women don't realise that a pattern is slowly occurring and nor to many abusers.  They do one thing and get away with it, they do another and get away with it, and it can snowball from there.  Some abusers can't hide it, but many can, and it can even take years before you get a hint of it.  Some will lash out on a regular basis, and some will maintain control and only lose it once every few years.

My partner  was the man of my dreams when I met him almost 18 years ago (I was a very naive 23 year old) and I would have laughed in the face of anyone who suggested he had any kind of issues.  He was the consummate gentleman - opened doors, bought flowers and gifts, took me out for dinner, cooked me romantic candle lit dinners at home, was attentive, gentle, kind, loving, didn't pressure me for sex until I was ready (which took a few months), professed undying love early on, made me feel like the only woman he had ever loved...  I realised years later that most of this was B***Sh*t just to get me to go out with him.  Sadly by the time I realised most of this was an illusion, we had a mortgage we couldn't afford to get out of, he was controlling all the money, we had a child and his two girls from his first marriage were like my own kids, and leaving was virtually impossible.

When I met him he told me he had been arrested for assault, but gave me his version of events (of course making himself out to be wrongfully accused, especially since he was not subsequently charged, and I wholeheartedly believed all this or I wouldn't have stayed with him).

Some years into our relationship he got angry when I wouldn't give him the phone one night while we were sharing a conversation with friends overseas, so he poured beer on me - that IS abuse.  I got up to walk into the bedroom and he grabbed me to say sorry, then as I tried to pull away telling him I  was upset and angry, he kicked my feet causing me to fall onto a tiled floor and cut my head open.  I was knocked out for a few minutes so he called an ambulance.  The next day he apologised profusely, saying he didn't mean to hurt me but he was angry that I was upset with him.  I let myself believe that he was sorry and didn't mean it.  That was abuse but I didn’t know it at the time and just thought it was part of our argument.  I thought abuse was only physical and constant, not sporadic.

When I talked about leaving him he either threatened to suicide or that he would have "you and the baby chained, concreted and dumped in the deepest part of Sydney harbour" and so on.  Of course he would always apologise and make me feel guilty for being angry with him, and feel stupid for thinking he would ever do those things - "It's just me blowing off steam; of course I don't mean it - I love you with all my heart darling".  Naively, I believed him and although I forgave him, a little love died each time something like this occurred.

Between that point and now he has done things like hide car keys after we have argued, hidden or refused to give me money, belittled me, withdrawn affection if I don't do what he wants, threatened to kill the childrens' pets, has been rude and insolent when we have had guests at my request and he hasn’t wanted them there..... it goes on.  All of this behaviour is ABUSE.  People who become nasty or sulk when things don't go their way are exercising emotional abuse.  They either consciously or unconsciously think if they make you unhappy when they don't get their way that you will eventually be molded so you will stop doing things they don't like to avoid the consequences of their treatment of you.

A year ago he beat me up one night when he was drunk and I had a black eye and bruised face for almost a month.  Again, he was sorry.  It happened again on September 20 this year and it was almost 5 weeks before the last bruises weren't visible - but this time my children witnessed it.  The worst abusers will only lash out once in a while - not regularly, and will always beg for forgiveness.  Many abusers are highly proficient manipulators and will make you feel guilt for doubting them or wanting to "give up" and leave.

I have done a lot of research into abuse, psychology and personality disorders over the years to try and understand and help him change this behaviour (because he says he wants to) - and also because for a long time I started to believe it was MY fault.  My research made me realise it was NOT my fault.  He knows I have done this, and he has read some of what I have discussed with him from my findings.

I recently found detailed information on narcissism and it was as though it was written with him as the subject of the behaviour.  Scary but true.  Scarier is that I am now living with him in a foreign country and I have no access to money of my own without his permission, I have no family for support and my family in Australia do not have the means to bring me and my children home to start our lives over.  And with the economy nose diving as it is presently and no formal education, I wonder if I would be able to get a job and know that whatever work I got would not be enough to support my kids without their fathers' financial assistance.  He knows that whilst he is working overseas the Australian government has no jurisdiction over him and cannot force him to pay to help me with the kids.

He has told me if I don't like it here I can "pack up and f**k off anytime you want but don't expect any help from me once you do".  I have previously left him a couple of times, and he has managed to convince me to take him back (the last time he showed a side of himself for almost 6 months that I hadn't seen since the very early days - the side that was how he treated me when we met and what I bonged for all these years) and STUPIDLY, STUPIDLY I let him come back.  Part of the reason was because I loved him and part of it was financial - I was paying huge rent for a house that the kids and I moved into in Sydney, and was exhausted from being a single Mum working 6-7 days a week to keep us going (even with his generous child support payments) and he was using credit cards to keep himself afloat, so with his good behaviour it seemed like it was the best choice for the four of us to be a family again.  I STILL kick myself for being so stupid and gullible!!

What I have said here is only my experience with an abuser, and there are many different kinds.  My advice to you is being VERY careful and take your time.  If at ANY time you have doubts, LISTEN TO YOUR WOMENS' INTUITION and cool things off a bit.  Don't end up like me and so many other women who become trapped and unhappy years later, and in part blame yourself for not listening to your instincts.

Good luck and I am sorry this was so long winded but I wanted to illustrate how things can go from bad to worse, to hideous with time and that abuse is not always obvious in the early days.