“My 14 year old daughter is a texting addict! She will even sit and text when our family is at a restaurant. It drives me nuts. If I tell her to stop, she just does it under the table. It’s like this little secret that we can’t

Teens and pre-teens have the mindset that their friends are the only ones who understand them. Many kids feel much more whole as a person when they’re with their peers. So basically, like the parent describes above, they will probably text as much as they can. Think of it from their perspective: it’s fun, it’s immediate gratification—which kids love—so it’s also self-reinforcing. That means that when they text, our kids get a reward right away in the form of a response from their friends, and so it encourages them to do it again right away, and get another reward.

So how do you curtail your child's texting habit and make sure they’re participating in your family’s activities? And how do you keep them from using texting as another way to be rude? I recommend that you have times in your family when there is no text messaging. For example, you can say that from 6~7 p.m. at night, there is no texting allowed. Don’t let your child have his or her cell phone on them at all times. Say things like, “If we go out to the movies, you have to leave the phone at home.” Set strict guidelines around texting—and stick with them. Don’t over-explain your reasons, just say, “You are a member of this family and you have to participate during these times when we’re all together. No questions.”

Know ahead of time that kids overreact to things being taken away from them. Parents, in turn, are often afraid of getting into a power struggle with their children. The bottom line is that many kids will react negatively when you start to set limits on their texting or cell phone activities, but if you stick with the plan, they will eventually respond and comply with your family’s rules.

Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and parenting blog published by Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. The views expressed in the articles on Empowering Parents represent the opinions of the authors and the experts quoted therein. Unfortunately, it’s not possible for us to respond to every question posted after an article on our website. Empowering Parents encourages its readers to participate by weighing in with suggestions and advice.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.