When you have more than one child, from time to time they might ask you if you love one sibling more. This is not unusual, and sometimes children will put the question to you in an offhand way, pretending that the answer isn’t really that important. But the answer

is important. And the best answer you can give is, “I love you as much as a mother could love a son. I’ll never love you any less.” And then your child will say, “But what about Jessie?” And you can say, “I love Jessie too, but I want you to know that I love you. Never worry about that.” Kids will sense that you love them, but there will be times when they crave affirmation, and it’s important to give it to them.

On the other end, during an argument or power struggle kids will often say, “He always gets his way,” or “You love him more than you love me!” When they do this, they’re either trying to manipulate the situation, or distract you as a parent. This has nothing to do with love. It’s important not to get pulled into that fight, and to redirect them to the task at hand. Say to them very clearly, “This is not about who I love more, this is about you having to go finish your homework now.”

Your child: “You love him more than you love me! He always gets his way.”

Translation: “He’s more loveable than I am, so you let him have his way.”

Ineffective: “I love you too, but it’s easier to love him, because he doesn’t argue with me all the time. You’d get your way sometimes too if you’d just stop being such a brat.”

Effective: “This is not about who I love more. This is about you finishing your chores.” Or, “This is not about who gets his or her way. This is about the fact that it’s Jack’s turn to be on the computer for an hour. You already had your turn.”

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published by Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. The views expressed in the articles on Empowering Parents represent the opinions of the authors and the experts quoted therein. Unfortunately, it’s not possible for us to respond to every question posted after an article on our website. Empowering Parents encourages its readers to participate by weighing in with suggestions and advice.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.