I am constantly learning about my use of language.  The way we refer to people and things can often be an integral part of how we see those things.  I have written another article about labelling our kids and how our use of terms to classify them can actually

affect our attitude to them.  I have learnt this particularly where my son is concerned.  But today I want to share some thoughts on a similar subject.

I have noticed some disturbing use of words from some Minti members to attack one another - I don't mean using swearwords as that has recently been addressed, but I am talking about language that attacks people and puts them on the defensive.  Not only is this a way to cause conflict with other adults, but it is a way that we can antagonise our children and give them messages quite different from what we think we are saying.

I give you one example I saw in a friend of mine last week.  She is a lovely mum of two kids who does her very best to do the right thing by her kids.  As we were cleaning up after playing I heard her say "I love you kids when you help me clean up".  She was trying to offer them encouragement - but the message I heard was that her kids have to do the right things for mummy to love them.  I am sure that is not what she meant, but this is a classic example of mixing up the action and the person.

I am very aware of saying to my kids "I love you  no matter what".  When they do something hurtful or wrong, I address the action - not the child.  I then say "I love you no matter what you do, but I do not like that behaviour".  Or on the opposite end of the spectrum, when they do something great - I say "thanks for doing <that action>, I really appreciate it when you are helpful.  I am so proud of your behaviour."  Perhaps the mum above could have said "I love it when you help pack up" or "seeing you being so helpful really makes me happy".  Do you see the difference?  One addresses the action and one the child - the key word above was "you".

Another example I have seen among adults is when a discussion arises and one person disagrees with the other.  They may say "you are stupid", when what they really mean is "your idea is stupid" (though stupid is not a word I would use anyway).  The 2 statements, though very similar, mean very different things - one is a response to the person, the other a response to the action.  Saying "you are stupid" attacks the person - it attacks their intellect and their world view - which is very threatening.  You can say "i don't agree with your idea", or "that statement is ridiculous", which address the person's theory - not their person. 

In a similar way, if you don't agree with a decision, you can say "I don't agree with that decision" or even question the decision, without attacking the person who made it.  I know you feel frustrated and you may feel at that point in time that they are stupid, but you are merely escalating the argument worse than it needs to be and putting them offside from hearing anything else you have to say.  It also makes you look bad to others as you are not showing another person respect and respecting another person is so important and is a value we want our children to share.

I see this response used with children too - and this leaves children feeling worthless, unloved and stupid.  If a child does something stupid, don't say "You're stupid", say "that was a very silly thing you did".  That gives them a very clear guideline as to their behaviour, but doesn't attack them or make them think you don't love them or value them.  Children mimic what we do and the child who is told by your poor choice of words that you don't respect them or appreciate them is going to show the same response to the people in their lives - to you and other family members, to their friends and in their future relationships.  We need to encourage them to treat people in a way that will give them lasting and meaningful relationships. 

I hope I am making the difference a bit clearer.

One last tip on this subject is addressing the feelings someone causes you to feel.  The first point is to recognise that your response to any event/action is up to you.  The way we respond to anything that happens to us and what we say to ourselves about it can often influence heavily the way the action pans out.  You have that control and need to recognise that - and don't give that control to someone else or blame them for it. 

For example, when your 2 year old pulls all the books off the bookshelf just after you've tidied up their bedroom.  I know it is frustrating and it makes me angry - especially when I am tired and frustrated at not getting anywhere with the housework.  That doesn't mean she makes me angry - she has done the action that caused my anger, but my anger is up to me.  I could respond differently if I chose to and if there weren't other things going on, I probably would.

This recognition affects how you respond.  If I am talking to my husband about something he has done to upset me, I can say "you made me angry", but that is not quite true and is liable to put him off listening to anything else I have to say.  Instead I can say "when you did <action>, then I felt angry".  The message to him is very different - I am not attacking him, but rather something he did.  The response to the situation is mine, I am sharing it so we can move on, but I am also taking responsibility for my response.  The action may not have been intended to cause that response and perhaps in a different situation or with a different person would not have caused that response.  I recognise it as mine and move on.

I hope this helps, but feel free to email me or leave a message below if you want me to clarify something or if you have a question - also if you have a suggestion or an example to add.  Thanks!