It’s no mystery: children who say “It’s your fault” to their parents when confronted with a task they haven’t completed are trying to avoid taking responsibility for something.

Here’s the important thing to remember: don’t talk “fault”—talk “responsibility.” Often kids

will try to lay blame when a responsibility has not been met. So respond with, “It’s not my fault, it’s your responsibility.” The reason why finding fault is not effective is because looking at the past will not solve your problems. But reminding your child whose responsibility it is keeps the issue right here in the present. And that’s where you want it to be, because the present is where problem-solving starts.

You: Why isn’t your homework done?

Your child: “It’s your fault I didn’t get my homework done because we went to the movies.”

Translation: “I’m not going to take responsibility for not getting my homework done—I’m going to make it your fault.”

Ineffective: “You’re right, I’ll write you a note, don’t worry about it.”

Effective: “Wait a minute. It’s your responsibility to tell me that you had homework to get done. Next time, tell me what you have to do before we go to the movies.”

  Empowering Parents is a weekly newsletter, online magazine and parenting blog published by Legacy Publishing Company. Our goal is to empower people who parent by providing useful problem-solving techniques to parents and children. The views expressed in the articles on Empowering Parents represent the opinions of the authors and the experts quoted therein. Unfortunately, it’s not possible for us to respond to every question posted after an article on our website. Empowering Parents encourages its readers to participate by weighing in with suggestions and advice.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled teens and children for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University.